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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What can I say to best friend...

29 replies

robin3 · 25/04/2005 14:07

Had a bit of a wierd weekend.

My BF was in pieces and says she and DH haven't had sex since the birth of their 2 year old baby and previous to that it was very very infrequent. Apparently he just isn't up for it...sorry for pun.

She's been to counselling on her own but he wasn't interested and he seems to refuse to accept that there is a problem. He has assured her he isn't gay and says he thinks about initiating it a few times but hasn't. Says he loves her but so far hasn't offered any other explanation.

Anyway....after enduring this for years she obviously decided she'd had enough and had to tell someone...wants to know what to do given the fact that she doesn't want to part her baby from his dad.

Am at a total loss to know what to advise...never heard of such a situation before. Advice please mnetters.

OP posts:

colditz · 25/04/2005 14:19

Oh God you're talking about me. I hasve no advice to give, am still in this situation myself.

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 14:22

Crickey...why? No explanation? Are you still friends....from what she's said I think she's struggling to like him now because she feels he's duped her.
Maybe it is quite common.

OP posts:

QueenEagle · 25/04/2005 14:27

You could be talking about my situation with ex-dh a few years ago.

With the benefit of several years' hindsight I have a theory that a) he was gay or b) he was abused by his father as a child, or c) he just didn't fancy me.

Your friend needs to decide whether she can live the rest of her married life with him in this way, with no intimacy, affection or physical relationship.

I personally couldn't and am glad to be out of it, even though it meant being on my own with 3 kids under 4.

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 14:32

Think those are exactly the three conclusions she has come to but if it was as a result of abuse would he know...could it just be a very low libido or a medical problem. If he didn't fancy her why would he have been with her for 5 years before they had the baby....wouldn't he have moved on?

OP posts:

pepsi · 25/04/2005 14:47

Do they spend any time alone together, like nice meals, out to the cinema. perhaps they could have some quality time together, cuddles on sofa, holding hands and then progress from there. It doesnt have to be full blown sex. What about a bit of foreplay but dont actually have sex just to get him aroused. I expect all this has been tried. Its a shame to split up a family. I wonder if he has a problem down there and is embarrassed.

TheVillageIdiot · 25/04/2005 14:51

Hmmm is he physically incapable - does he want to but can't? or does he just not want to?

ggglimpopo · 25/04/2005 14:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 14:57

Not physically incapable....hence baby.

She reckons that he doesn't have the psychological trigger that turns a hug on the sofa (which they still have) in to anything more. He's youngish, healthy, not depressed...I can't get my head around it really that's why I'm not sure what to say. Can't bear the thought of them splitting.

OP posts:

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 14:57

Hugs and nothing else.

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 25/04/2005 14:58

Those aren't the only 3 explanations.

Loss of libido can be caused by a number of things - tiredness is one (surely you lot know that, or is it just me??). Might be worth him visiting the docs?

SenoraPostrophe · 25/04/2005 15:02

also is it possible that he is depressed but otherwise hiding it well?

Tinker · 25/04/2005 15:02

Is he having an affair?

Cranberry · 25/04/2005 15:04

Tinker- exactly what I was about to post.

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 15:04

I asked that and i think she wants that to be the case but seems the problems existed before the baby and 5 years seems a long time to be suffering from this situation.
Perhaps I could suggest she pushes him again to see a counsellor.

OP posts:

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 15:08

Bless her...she's accused him of this but reckons he isn't interested in anything vaguely sexual....she actually said she'd be relieved if he was having an affair because maybe then they could fix it. Nearly cried for her at that point.

OP posts:

Cranberry · 25/04/2005 15:11

Were things ok before the baby?

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 15:17

No...just the same. Think the baby then turned their attention away from the problem but of course it's come back to haunt them.

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 25/04/2005 15:19

that's a bit different then.

I was reading an article recently about "the third sex" (or something like that) - about people with libido so low it's more or less non-existent. Probably wouldn't help your friend though.

TheVillageIdiot · 25/04/2005 15:20

Could she try opening a bottle of wine, putting a porn film on and then sitting on the settee for a cuddle?

ggglimpopo · 25/04/2005 15:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 15:23

What really seemed to bug her and she kept coming back to, is the fact that he doesn't recognise her sacrifice and carries on as if everything is quite normal. Every so often she's reached boiling point and he makes out she's a bit crazy.

OP posts:

Cranberry · 25/04/2005 15:24

What happens when she instigates it?

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 15:25

I asked her that and she said that everything was ok at the very start but he was never the initiator but at the time he was under pressure at work and she thought it was a blip.

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TheVillageIdiot · 25/04/2005 15:25

If it were me in her shoes - I would ask if her would prefer me to get it somewhere else. At least then I'd know whether he cared or not and something provocative like that might bring it all to a head. Make or break so to speak. IMVHO it is better to be on your own with a chance of finding someone that makes you happy than to be in an unhappy/unloving relationship for the sake of your children.

Original poster

robin3 · 25/04/2005 15:27

I suggested the initiate/porn thing but she's tried that and been rejected. Since the baby I think she's given up and feels even if he did try it would be charity and not genuine.

OP posts:

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