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Relationships

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Original poster

Can we talk about name-calling and/or put-downs please? Is it ever acceptable?

33 replies

CherryChoc · 11/04/2009 01:58

OK, third attempt at writing this post and I will try to keep it simple.

Is it ever acceptable for a person to call their partner names or put them down? e.g. In an argument, or when they are angry/frustrated/stressed generally?

I know it isn't right when it happens all the time, and I am worried about my relationship with DP. I think making it more difficult for me to judge is that my mum used to object if me and my sister called each other "stupid" yet his family are really different and always seem to be arguing and putting each other down.

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 11/04/2009 02:27

My 'partner' often calls me names. I have heard slapper, fat, cow, bad mother, lazy, cunt etc etc from him. Usually in temper.

I find it pretty hard to believe that he loves me. More like he loves not being single.

I have lost all my confidence, balloned in weight hardly ever see my friends and family and have just been put on anti depressants.

My family always argue too. My sister and I often call each other both in jest and quite seriously. But at the end of the day we know as angry as the other is, we don't mean what we are saying.

It's different when it's your partner, who you live with, who should love and support you no matter what and view you as an equal.

Unless you want to end up like me. I'd get out now. No one has the right to call you stupid and if you hear it often enough you will start to believe it.

foxytocin · 11/04/2009 04:40

i saw your post and just want to let you know that i read it.

fwiw. i don't think it is ever acceptable to name call and put anyone down in an argument. i understand that people do it in the situations you describe but surely when stress anger and frustration makes a grown up behave like that, it is time to disengage, withdraw, reevaluate and regain composure and hopefully apologize for behaving like a twunt.

both dh and i try not to get that far and we have been together for over 11 yrs.

AlistairSimnelcake · 11/04/2009 07:16

I don't know.

All I can tell you is that my personal experience is NO, it's not ok.

I have been with DP for 5 years and he has never made a personal attack on me. He has never put me down or made me feel bad about myself.
He loves me and even when we argue, I KNOW that he loves me.

warthog · 11/04/2009 07:35

no, i don't think it is. but we're not all perfect and things can be said in the heat of the moment that we later regret. if it's a recurring thing though, it would upset me greatly.

Kally · 11/04/2009 08:02

No, it's not acceptable. The insults get worse until you get to the point of no return and anything goes.

I never insult my children/partner (we can good humourdly jest with one another about our weaknesses) but never intentionally in anger.

Once my ex called me a 'fat ugly midget' and I think that was the breaking point for me. Even when I write it now my stomach sinks, after all these years. (I am not a midget or fat but I am a lot shorter than his 6ft 2...)

I sometimes hear people/parents getting angry with their young children in public and call them 'you stupid little idiot etc', or stuff like that and I cringe... it's so hurtful and if their parents do it then why shouldn't they. Their pain gauge must end up being be so indifferent eventually. It is so not on.

justaboutback · 11/04/2009 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 11/04/2009 08:29

I find it unacceptable. If anyone did it to me I would be unable to forget it.
With children, I tell them in no uncertain terms if I don't like the behaviour, but I would never do a personal attack and I expect the same from a partner-even in anger.
If a partner called me a bitch-or similar- it would sour the whole relationship.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 11/04/2009 14:40

I don't think it's ever acceptable. I think the most I could personally put up with is a partner saying I'm 'acting bitchy' (which I do from time to time).

I see so many posts on here from women who are being called names, which is very sad. Even in an argument, even when he is stressed/frustrated/angry, my husband would NEVER call me names. Maybe this is just how he was raised, I don't know. I've read him some of those posts and he is just as shocked as I am.

piscesmoon · 11/04/2009 14:46

How can you be loving to a partner who called you a bitch the week before or told you to f off? I would find it impossible.

Bucharest · 11/04/2009 14:47

It is fairly irrelevant whether it's acceptable or not to other people....it's clearly not acceptable to you is it?

It may well be normal behaviour for your partner because of the family he came from. That doesn't make it right.

fourkids · 11/04/2009 16:02

I think maybe telling someone to f off in the heat of a row is different to calling them a bitch? One is telling them you are very very cross/upset and you wish them to go away in the most certain terms, while the other is a personal attack on them/their personality?

fwiw though, I don't really feel that being cross/upset is an excuse for being horrible - in an ideal world I think we'd all (we are grown-ups after all) be in control of what comes out of our mouths all the time. but it isn't an ideal world...

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 11/04/2009 16:05

My x used to do this. He called me a twat, a midget, a bitch, a loser, an imbecile....

It didn't hurt me, but it made me hate him. By the time I left him, I literally hated him. I had tried in vain to explain to him about insults being like nails, and even if you pull out the nail (by saying sorry) there's still a hole in the fence. eventually so many holes in the fence that the fecne fell down (I left).

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 11/04/2009 16:08

Ps, it's often 'partners' not husbands who behave in this way. Because they can't be divorced. they are proteced by the fact that we have given up our jobs/salaries/savings and so we are literally up against the wall with nowhere to go. It's walk away with jack shit and the clothes on your back, or stay and endure it.

Luckily I did decide to walk away. ShesellsSeaShells, it's never to late to say "enough" and get out.

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 11/04/2009 16:14

Sorry ps again, the only insult that really used to get to me was that I was "mentally ill" and it "ran in my family".

I was on anti-depressants (unsurprisingly, because he treated me like filth) and my dad had years ago been in a pscychiatric hospital (but had since totally recovered). I used to get that insult thrown regularly in my face "you're sick in the head, your father was in the nut house and you'll end up there too"

Whenever I tried to reason with him, he'd sneer "did you read that in a magazine?".

Springfleurs · 11/04/2009 20:32

I think that quite often name calling is part and parcel of an argument, eg you are such a btch, ase, d*ckhead etc. Sometimes you just cannot help it when feelings are running high. It is not right but I could get over it.

However it becomes unhealthy when your partner takes something that is personal and painful to you, that you may have confided in them and uses it in the argument.

eg I was on antidepressants when I met my xh and he often told me I was "mental" and would "twist" my dc and make them "mental".

Also I was physically abused by Mum when growing up and he regularly said that he understood why because I was so stupid etc etc.

That sort of stuff to me is unforgiveable.

TheYearOfTheCat · 12/04/2009 18:05

My H has just 5 minutes ago screamed at me that I am a f*ing c**t 3 times because I asked him if he could put the bottle lids on the bottles.

It is unacceptable.

Tummytuckrequired · 16/04/2009 17:24

It is totally unforgivable.

My husband treats me like he is the paretn and I am the child even though my parents never have spoken to me in that way.

DH won't swear at me as such but is constantly saying I am "mental" /"mad" to stop giving him "back chat". Okay not the same as Fing C*t but it is still the same about making someone feel shit about themselves.

Korinabywayer · 13/10/2021 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SleepingBunnies21 · 13/10/2021 10:37

No, it's not acceptable.

And ime it doesn't stop.

SleepingBunnies21 · 13/10/2021 10:38

@Korinabywayer

My husband is always putting me down he calls me names like I’m fat ugly slag He tells my kids that I take black dick and I have been with everyone we know It has been happening for about 7 months now all day long He doesn’t let me go out He spits in my face With my kids in the room What should I do?

Work out your finances and leave (or get him out of where you live).

Citizens advice abd women's aid could help.

TheFoundations · 13/10/2021 14:59

Who do you think makes the rules about what is acceptable for you, @CherryChoc?

And do you think that what is acceptable to you is the same as what is acceptable for everyone else?

You are looking for external evaluation of your circumstances, but all that matters is how you feel. Neither you or your partner needs to be assigned to right or wrong, but what you are looking at is incompatible behaviours.

How do you feel when he does it? And is that a feeling you're ok to accept in your relationship? If not, how does he take it when you tell him you want him to stop doing it?

EarthSight · 13/10/2021 19:11

@Tummytuckrequired

It is totally unforgivable.

My husband treats me like he is the paretn and I am the child even though my parents never have spoken to me in that way.

'Back chat'????? What the fuck?? He might as well tell you to 'BE OBEDIANT WOMAN'. The whole 'mental' 'mad' thing is so typical of abusive men. @Tummytuckrequired

Dianthus · 13/10/2021 19:14

First time poster.

No don’t think it’s acceptable.

layladomino · 13/10/2021 19:21

No it isn't acceptable.

Would he / you call your boss or work colleague any of those names? And if not, why not? Because it isn't acceptable. It isn't respectful. Well, it's the exact opposite of respectful.

So why would you call the person you're meant to love most in the world names like that?

I have honestly never called a loved one a name, even when pushed to my most angry limits, and I haven't been called any names either.

If someone calls you those names, they can't hide behind being angry. Because those ideas were in their head, it's just that they're angry so have chosen to let them out.

You deserve better.

Cherryana · 13/10/2021 19:29

I really don't think its acceptable and I would never want it to be normal.
I think you can express you don't like something someone has done without identifying the whole of them with that - if you see what I mean.

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