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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop this bothering me?

84 replies

NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:31

DH and I have been together a while.

He said we would do oral sex once we were married. I accepted that. He doesn't want it himself and would rather not give it I know.

Has done it twice since we have been married.

I have done the different positions he has wanted but felt a but hookerish as it was a case of you do this and I will do that.

It was okay but not great as I knew he didn't really want to do it.

Does it make a difference as he just wants sex in a different position whereas I want oral sex?

I haven't really wanted to do it with my exes and it is ironic I want to do it for him and he doens't want it but I do, and he won't.

Makes me feel sad, rejected, and rubbish as it makes me think of my ex who would do it.

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 18:34

'We would do oral sex once we were married?' What a strange thing to say, and agree to. Did alarm bells not ring for you then?

No one should do something they do not like sexually, but there has to be some give and take (is that a pun?)

BecauseImWoeufit · 09/04/2009 18:35

I can't see how you can make him, to be honest, if it's something he doesn't want to do.

I suppose you could try asking him why he doesn't want to do it and see if there are any solutions to his issues.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:37

Alarm bells didn't ring because of the type of guy he was. He hadn't want to sleep with me before marriage (we did though) and this seemed more intimate so I accepted it.

I am not trying to make him. He knows how I feel. I just want to stop it bugging me tbh.

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 09/04/2009 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:38

He has said one thing that could be resolved but bottom line he just doesn't want to do it and I have to accept it.

though.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:39

Marla - I am not making him. I am not like that. If you read the thread title I am asking how to not let it become an issue for me.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 18:40

no-one should do anything they are not happy with- you included.

When you say you felt "hookerish" did you feel degraded?

You should tell him if you are not happy with any positions he wants you in- it is not right that he denies you something you like doing nad want toreceive, but then he makes (??) you have sex in a way that you find distasteful.

Is he very selfish in bed?

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:42

I just felt shy tbh, doing the position her wanted.

I felt hookerish as I did it for him hoping he would do what I wanted.

He is fab in bed, not selfish at all. Needs reminding about me sometimes but that is okay. Wouldn't mind doing it more though.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 09/04/2009 18:44

Is he generally respectful of your feelings and nice to be around? Or does he consider himself to be the important one in the relationship ie your boss/owner?
If he is a nice chap but simply doesn't like oral sex, you could get yourself one of these - they are really quite a lot like the real thing sensation-wise (and don't moan that they are getting jaw-ache, either).

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 18:47

Maybe he feels shy about oral?

Have you asked him why?

Is it the taste, smell, sexual hang ups? Bad previous experience?

Must admit the " do it when we are married" is a cop out- then he doesn't- why did he not just tell you then he didn't like it?

I think it is actually quite a big issue...if it matters enough to you for you topost on MN it bothers you a lot- does he know that? Can you talk to him about it? If I liked something sexual and my DH or DP was dead against it, and I knew I wouldn't get it for life, I'd be really upset. I suppose it's because with this, it's not something really degrading, or S&M, or anythinglike that, it is pretty normal behaviour for most people ( so I understand!)

Can you talk to him about it?

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:47

He is truly lovely.

He considers that we both work, he just happens to do it outside the home and get a wage and I work in the home and he shares the money he has earned. He knows totally how hard it is at home with young children.

Going to click on your loink now, sgsb. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:49

He would be mortified to think I have posted on here about this.

I don't want to make him do it, I want him to want too but that isn't going to happen.

It has caused upset as it has made me want someone else but that isn't going to happen. My hubby is perfect for me in every other way and this does seem very shallow.

OP posts:
Simplysally · 09/04/2009 18:51

This was a bug-bear of mine in my last relationship which was to do with a lack of knowledge about female genitalia and the thought (as he put it) that "You wee from near there,".

You might find that he's more comfortable trying it with the lights off so he can't see what he's looking at?

If not, it's probably not everyone's cup of tea. Just don't do it to him.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:52

Simplysally - did you sort things out?

sgsb - that site is American. Is there someone in the UK and how do I decide which is the right one for me?

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 09/04/2009 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:55

oral sex, marla

OP posts:
Simplysally · 09/04/2009 18:58

It's hard to say now - there were a few strops/sulks over it then I decided it wasn't important so I didn't go down on him.

XP surprised me by suddenly deciding to go for it - once I'd bathed - on holiday. Like I say, he had the lights off though.

he is quite squeamish though - he loathes bodily fluids of any type on him and always runs to clean himself up seconds after orgasm so it sort of made sense he felt hesitant about touching a woman in her genitalia as obviously there'll be excretions happening. is he generally open sexually or is it just the thought of oral sex?

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:09

Some honest talking is needed....

but shame this didn't happen before the wedding.

Ask him what it is he doesn't like about it.

I know thismight seem tobe going too far- adn I do stick with my previous comment about no-one should do anything they don't like- but is he repressed sexually? Is he comfortable being naked with you and vice versa, can he talk openly about sex. were youhis 1st? ( you said he didn't want sex before you weremarried.)

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:09

We have talked after I showed him this thread.

He doesn't like it.

He says he lives in a stressful house and sex is another pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:10

he is fine with everything except this

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:10

sorry about typos- got interrupted and no time to change!

mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 19:12

Sex should not be a pressure. It should be a release.

I think you may need to go and talk to a proffessional about the disparity in your attitudes to what constitutes a sexual relationship.

mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 19:12

Sex should not be a pressure. It should be a release.

I think you may need to go and talk to a proffessional about the disparity in your attitudes to what constitutes a sexual relationship.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:13

That is what I think. If you are stressed it seems a good thing to do to release it but not when you have nothing to work with.

OP posts:
Kally · 09/04/2009 19:13

Isn't oral something you just bumble into and enjoy as it happens rather than something planned?

Some guys like it, the smell the look and the taste, some guys don't. Making love is just that, making love. Loving to do the things you do to each other. If I knew my partner wasn't wholly into it, I would just accept it as him being that way. Or find a way of introducing him.

Just the same as some guys don't mind having sex when you are menstruating whereas others are squeamish(?) and wouldn't. It's about feeling comfortable and the ability to handle that situation.

No point pushing for it if he doesn't feel good about it. You'd feel far worse if he suddenly started to cough and gag because his reflexes got the better of him.

You say you do it to him, but you don't mind. Perhaps you're a more earthy character and enjoy it, have less hangups etc.
Perhaps allow him to get really familiar with that part of your body so it's less of a dark taboo area. Show him everything about it in a sexy way, what feels good and how things work down there. This is going to feel outrageous as I write it, but lick you hand and go down there yourself while he's watching and repeat it (A sort of.. 'look I didn't die from tasting it') A lot of men are quite in the dark about it... you never know once he gets closely aquainted and understands a bit better about that whole bit of anatomy he might feel more like going for it (and even like it)