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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop this bothering me?

84 replies

NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:31

DH and I have been together a while.

He said we would do oral sex once we were married. I accepted that. He doesn't want it himself and would rather not give it I know.

Has done it twice since we have been married.

I have done the different positions he has wanted but felt a but hookerish as it was a case of you do this and I will do that.

It was okay but not great as I knew he didn't really want to do it.

Does it make a difference as he just wants sex in a different position whereas I want oral sex?

I haven't really wanted to do it with my exes and it is ironic I want to do it for him and he doens't want it but I do, and he won't.

Makes me feel sad, rejected, and rubbish as it makes me think of my ex who would do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:58

He had had a couple of blind dates but he didn't fancy them.

I asked him if he was gay and I know he isn't

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:58

We were 23 when we met.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:59

HOW OLD WAS HE WHEN YOU MET- YOU ARE BEING EVASIVE!!!!

PlumBumMum · 09/04/2009 19:59

So your dh knowws you've been in contact with this other guy, he might feel inadequate

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:01

I am not, I said we were both 23.

No contact with anyone else for ages now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:02

PBM - it has been like this for years so nothing to do with anything else. Right from the start to be honest.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 20:03

Sorry- x-d posts!

How do you know he is not gay? Just because he denies it?

Look at the facts..

*only 2 dates at 23 - not usual by anyone's standards
*Doesn't appear to enjoy sex
*Doesn't like oral sex
*Wanted to avoid sex until you were married ( so you were committed to him.
*Considers sex a pressure.

If these facts do not make you think, then I don't know what will!

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:04

He does enjoy sex

He just doesn't want to do oral sex and he can't be the only man in the world who doesn't.

If I mentioned if he was gay now he would probably loose patience with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:05

He didn't want to avoid sex until I was committed to him at all. Strange thought tbh.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 20:10

But you said he considered sex a pressure? You want it more than he does.

I am sorry, but I just think there is a bigger problem here than either of you are admitting.

It is very unusual for a man these days not to have had a few girlfriends by the time they marry in their 20s, and to be a virgin, and to want to wait until they are married(assuming there are not religious reasons.)

You seem to be contradicitng yourself- you posted a couple of posts back that it had been like this for ages- since the start ( I assume you mean his lack of interest, not his dislike of oral), but then you say he likes sex....then you say he considers it a pressure.

Saying he would ose patience if you mentioned it is not a good reaction either- it could show you had hit a nerve!

Can you stand back from this, keep your emotions out of it, and look at what you are saying- and how you would advise a friend who had the same problem?

It is not JUST about oral sex.

Have no more advice- but I think you need to see a sexual therapist/counsellor who can talk it through with you from a professional point of view.

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 20:12

He wanted to wait until we were married before we had sex but we slept together after about 3 months.

Didn't do it very often, and it always seemed to be me suggesting it, but it was okay.

THIS is what you said earlier.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:14

Not to put too finer point on it he wasn't the best looking guy which is why he hadn't had a girlfriend. We had written letters and had phone calls before we actually met so had built a friendship. I didn't fancy him at first but that soon changed..
He has always enjoyed sex when we had it, he just didn't want it as much as me.

He has told me he doesn't like oral and I said he has only done it twice so I am guessing it is the thought and the reality of it.

No problem having sex when I have my period but we don't often (I am happy with that.)

I honestly don't think he is gay.

I think he is tired, stressed and has a lower sex drive than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:16

If it was a friend I would say there is more to life and everything else is great. It has become more important since I have got older (wanting it more) and since I have had chats with my ex and got horny on the phone with him. That was months ago but clearly I still think about him occasionally but it is my husband I want to do.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 09/04/2009 20:17

In that case back of from initiating sex with him and start working on getting back the hugs and kisses without it leading anywhere to take the pressure off him.

Kally · 09/04/2009 20:17

Sounds like the whole intimacy thing has never been addressed.

Being familiar and intimate with someone you're close to happens because it happens naturally, drawing two people closer together so that they are almost so close they are 'one'. I know that sounds a bit cliche, but thats the end product of two people in a good relationship. You get very close and that leads to successfully handling any issues be it sex, fears, money, kids... Perhaps you never got that far and yet got on with the family thing, marriage, kids... How did that happen if you don't mind me asking...

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:18

That is my plan but he is so damn hot these days!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:19

For instance, when we had our first snog he didn't do anything other than kiss me. I would have exoected hands down the pants to be honest and I definitely didn't feel I could do it to him.

God, this sounds so shallow and disloyal.

We got married after being together for 3 1/2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:20

We were always so close. Completely solid.

OP posts:
Alambil · 09/04/2009 20:30

is he or has he had a religious input in his life ever?

mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 20:39

OP all through your posts you keep saying 'Help me stop making this into a problem' 'Help me stop making this a big deal'' 'I want it to stop bugging me' It's like you want to put your head in the sand.

You either have to come to peace with the fact that your sex life is not as satisfactory as you would like but make the best of it...OR you address head on the issues you and your partner have with intimacy, which would mean talking to someone outside your marriage.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:44

His mother is religious but it isn't that tbh.

I don't want to bury my head in the sand but I don't want to feel resentful either.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:45

I honestly don't feel we have any intimacy problems.

he eenjoys sex when we have it. I just want it more.

I want oral, he doesn't.

Oh crap

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 20:47

some good points here

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 20:48

I feel like there is an atmosphere between us now.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 20:52

you do- otherwise why post here so much?

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