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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop this bothering me?

84 replies

NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 18:31

DH and I have been together a while.

He said we would do oral sex once we were married. I accepted that. He doesn't want it himself and would rather not give it I know.

Has done it twice since we have been married.

I have done the different positions he has wanted but felt a but hookerish as it was a case of you do this and I will do that.

It was okay but not great as I knew he didn't really want to do it.

Does it make a difference as he just wants sex in a different position whereas I want oral sex?

I haven't really wanted to do it with my exes and it is ironic I want to do it for him and he doens't want it but I do, and he won't.

Makes me feel sad, rejected, and rubbish as it makes me think of my ex who would do it.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:15

He says he lives in a stressful house and sex is another pressure.

Alarm bells are ringing for me.

Honestly, how was sex before you got married? How long were you together before you got married and were things the same then? Has he had many other partners? If so, did he end those relationships or did they? Was sex an issue?

I just can't help thinking that sex for him is an issue in some way. Saying it is a pressure ( when some people would say it is fun and a pleasant distraction from stress) seems a cop-out. It's a way to avoid sex by giving an "excuse" that in some way lets him off the hook.

If I i were to give any advice, it would be to book yourself, or both of you together preferably, in for some sessions with a counsellor/psychotherapist who deals with sexual issues- this sounds a lot more to me than just " he doesn'tlike oral sex."

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:17

I don't do it to him as he won't let me.

I really don't want to try and get him to do it as it just isn't the same. Feel I have to hassle him for sex most of the time. He feels hurt now and I feel crap.

I just want to make love with my husband.

I have decided not to suggest we have sex anymore and see what happens.

As it is usually me, it feels like if I didn't we would rarely do it.

Never did it the whole time I was pregnant. That was a mutual thing though so no problem but as I have got older I find I feel horny more and want sex more.

Why do I feel bad about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:19

I have slept other men, he has only slept with me. I am his only girlfriend.

He wanted to wait until we were married before we had sex but we slept together after about 3 months.

Didn't do it very often, and it always seemed to be me suggesting it, but it was okay.

Everything else was perfect and I wanted to be with him regardless. TBH it wasn't that important.

Maybe it is my age, as now it is!

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 19:20

Think about how you would feel if roles were reversed. He loves oral sex. You hate it. he wants you to do it as part of a loving experience, you find it repulsive. What's the answer? I think its compromise, exploring things you do both like, so neither partner feels let down.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:21

I have done it for exes even when I would rather not.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:22

{sad} for you.

I think you feel bad because it appears that this is the tip of a bigger iceberg than you are both letting on.

I do not know your DH at all, but it would appear that he doesn't have a high sex drive, or possibly has shameful feelings about sex.

I am going to suggest something that might shock you- but is there any chance he could be gay and has hidden it? It is not as uncommon as you might assume, for men to marry and have kids but be closet gays.

Only you know how enthusiastic he is over sex, and how much he would want it if you didn't- but if he regards it as a pressure, that is worrying.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:24

Because we have had problems for a few months, this seems a bigger deal than it has before.

I have asked him if he is gay and I am certain he isn't, he just says he doesn't have a high sex drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:25

I think he finds it a pressure as he knows I want it more than I do and it is one more thing.

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 09/04/2009 19:26

I'm with howtotellmum I think there is more to this than oral sex, sex shouldn't be another pressure in his life

I think if you suggest no more sex, you might end up feeling very bitter as he might settle for this and its not really what you want

Are you a very tactile couple besides having sex?

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:32

I once had a very difficult long relationship that ended because of sex issues. The man I knew was a virgin in his mid 30s. I was his 1st. Sex was a disaster and he used the excuse of "pressure of work" and being under pressure from me to "perform." Rubbish! I was so miserable, as we had sex maybe 6 times then he withdrew- sorry about the pun!

He was not gay, but I went for counselling myself to see what I should do to help him.and that was the first thing they suggested. he wasn't, but he could have been by his behaviour.
he was not at ease with any bodily functions.

Basically, he was repressed. He had waited too long for sex and felt guilt and all sorts of conflicting emotions. After several years of a sex-free relationship we split up.

I think however painful it is, you have tobebrutally honest with yourself and your DH- and ask if he could be gay, bi, or just unsure of where he stands. Get some professional help.

ByTheSea · 09/04/2009 19:36

I think you need to bathe together and wash each other's bodies and then try it. Make sure you have some wine or other bevvie of choice as well.

Kally · 09/04/2009 19:39

Good Idea bythesea...

PlumBumMum · 09/04/2009 19:42

Was going to suggest something like that Bythesea, but even just bathe together abit of massage without it leading to anything, are you tactile like this normally?

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:43

I don't want to try and persuade him to do it.

He just doesn't want too.

I just want to stop it getting to big a problem for me.

I asked him if he would be happier if we didn't do it and he said no.

We used to always be hugging and kissing before the kids came along.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:46

don't know if I asked this before- but why did he want to wait til you were married, and why had his hormones not got the better of him when he was a teenager?

I hate to say this, and I know you must be really miserable, but did you bury your head in the sand about sex before you married him- did you feel things were just not right, but didn't want to ask/ rock the boat?

Is this issue of oral sex and how often just bringing to a head an issue that has always been there?

Kally · 09/04/2009 19:46

And why don't you hug and kiss now?

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:48

I asked him if he would be happier if we didn't do it and he said no.

Did you honestly think he would have said "yes"? That would only mean he had admitted to having a problem- and he has, but won't talk about it.

You too seem to be in denial- I have asked lots of very probing questions, but you have not come back with answers.

Kally · 09/04/2009 19:49

I think some couples can fall into Mummy and Daddy fuddy duddy non sexual roles once they have kids. Perhaps you don't have enough intimate time to yourselves.

Seems you are not very 'in-tune' and close with one another.

Has the humour also disappeared along with the hugs and kisses?

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:52

He had never had a girlfriend and no opportunity to have sex before me. He masturbated though.

I just thought it was me being too demanding. I believed him about doing it after we were married.

It wasn't important. We were so great together and I always said I would want to be with him even if his willy feel off.

That was before we had problems with me talking to an ex. We aren't talking anymore but with this issue with hubby it does make me think about this other guy. I want my husband, no one else, but I am worried it will become too much to deal with if I get resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:53

We do kiss and cuddle but I don't feel as close with him as usual and it is because my head is all over the place tbh.

OP posts:
Kally · 09/04/2009 19:53

Perhaps start the ball rolling with a suggestive text during the day. Single him out and get intimate, you have to perhaps rouse him a bit and start the wheel in motion. Maybe relight the fires and perhaps with more frequent sex he'll get more used to it being an important part of your routine. Bring the humour, hugs and kisses back. Then perhaps once the sex is more relaxed and familiar he'll be open to what you desire?

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:55

When we have sex it is great. Makes me want it more and feels sad we don't. He would be happy with once a week. I sometimes wonder if it is psychological as he wouldn't do it three nights running for example, and not twice in a few hours. Also no chance when he has had a couple of drinks.

OP posts:
Kally · 09/04/2009 19:55

Oh... didn't realise there was another guy floating around in your head. Not good.

Original poster
NotGettingWhatIWouldLike · 09/04/2009 19:57

It is all in my head. Nothing real is happening.

Just makes me feel vunerable as our marriage has had probs and now this makes it worse as I could get what I want from this other guy if we were together, which we won't be.

I am not going to leave my marriage over this. I just want to find a way to stop it being an issue.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:57

He had never had a girlfriend and no opportunity to have sex before me.

Why? why did he not have a girlfriend before you?

seriously, that is one big statement and i think you need to look as to the reasons why.

How old was he when he met you?

I do not want tosound unkind, but if someone had suggested to me the possibility that my DH might be gay, I would have responded- either yes, no, def. not.

You have not metnioned it at all. Are you ignoring soemthing that is a possibility?

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