Can someone please help me - I don't know what to do anymore

[sososad]

DP and I have been together for 13 years since we were 18. The man I met was sweet, gentle and loving but over the years has turned into an angry Jekyll and Hyde character. We have a 7 year old DS and he sees nothing wrong in calling me a "fking idio" "Stupid cnt" etc in front of him. I have tried talking to him about the effect he is bound to be having on DS but he can't see he is doing any wrong. He is constantly in a bad mood and has even decided that I shouldn't talk to him in the mornings as it makes him angry as he is in a bad mood.

I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and only started talking about it about three years ago. I don't see my family and we communicate rarely via email. I have never had it out with them and feel guilty about severing contact all together even though I don't really understand why. Anyway, DP took it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him and says my family are weirdos and he thinks I am strange for staying in touch with them even though I have tried to explain how I feel about it all.

We moved to a new area a few years ago and he was lucky enough to make a couple of mates quickly. It took me ages to settle in and life has only been better over the past year because I started uni and also have got to know some of the mums on my street a bit better and we occasionally socialise.

Fast forward to today. I always take Ds out at the weekends so we can spend quality time together. DP has a leg injury which happenned back in July and never comes with us, though in all fairness he never did before the injury either. Today I thought it would be nice to go out as a family so we all went to a castle. On the way back DP started the name calling again because I don't like Ds having boiled weets or chewing gum which he thinks it stupid. I explained that I am actually quite relaxed and this is the only thing I insist on. He then said that he thinks I am too affectionate with DS and kiss him too much. He had a look about him when he said this so I asked what that was supposed to mean. With that he literally went ballistic. He screeched the car to a halt by an embankment, went round to the passenger side, dragged me out and threw me into down the embankment into a field full of nettles. He then went back to his side to try to drive off so luckily I was able to get DS out of the car before he drove off like a maniac. DS and I had to walk home which was luckily only 2 miles, only interrupted my my crying (I know I should have held it together in front of DS but I couldn't) and the phone ringing with DP telling me first not to come home because if I did "Wait and see what I do" then finally him saying he was going out otherwise he would hurt me if he was there when I got back. He also screamed at me that it is over.

I just feel so distressd right now. DS has a mate over now and they playing but god knows what damage that incident did to him. I also don't know what I am going to do now. I am scared I will have to leave uni and if I don;t I will almost certainly have to move closer to uni which means in the holidays when my friends go home I will be on my own. Can anyone give me any advice please because I am so scared. Thanks for reading this

Very moving posts, aren't they. I don't really want to write about what it was like for me (and it was nearly 6 years ago now) but not too dissimilar and in front of the 5 children which is even worse in some ways.

"Xenia and Debra - again you both seem so strong. Did you both have good support networks when you finally decided enough was enough?"

I earn a lot of money and I work full time which helped. But it was very very hard to take the decision to break up the marriage. No one on either side of the family had ever divorced which is very unusual these days. It was older 3 teenagers who really helped me take the decision. I didn't have quite the violence described above but exactly the anger from him and the not knowing what kind of mood he was in etc etc

It's been much much better after even if I were never to find anyone else. It's so peaceful at home. So happy.

sososad - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any experience of it (thank the stars) but I do work in a university. When you get a chance, call both the union students welfare AND the university student support services. They may (and I don't know this for sure) be able to help with some accommodation - some univs have family flats, etc - although it's not the perfect point in the year, it's definitely worth a try. They may also have hardship funds you could access, so it's important you make contact with them asap - they will want to help.

OP find the emotional abuse thread HERE

I think it might help you as will watching This very sad and thought provoking.

I sent it to my DP

From reading this thread and the other one, this is more common than I first thought It is so true - you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have 2 friends I know about who have been through similar in the past and there may even be others. I am now no longer speaking to a mutual friend of both mine and DP who has said that me wanting to leave is an over reaction on my part. This comes from another woman too. Truly shocking.

I took DS to a friends house yesterday and we stayed out all day. I don't see this friends very often as we are both usually so busy, but we did, by co-incidence (as we live so far away from where we grew up) go to school together and a move closer to uni will also mean being closer to her too.

Digitalis - your poor poor DS and poor you too. I hope together you get through this.

Xenia - I have read some of your posts under my usual MN name and you come across as a woman who really has her life together. Thank you so much for posting on here, your messages have been very reassuring to me and I an glad you have found happiness away from your DH

Stercus - thanks for sharing your story too, It is so similar to mine. The youtube link has so many truths on it and the other link is too. There are so many of us.

Habbibu - I will speak to uni after the holidays and see what they say. I don't think they have family flats but they may still be able to help with accommodation hopefully. Thank you.

Farmgirls - I hope you are ok in what you are about to do. Please post back to let us know you are safe once you have done it, or before if you need a friendly ear.

And everyone else, Springfleurs, Majenta, Longtalljosie and everyone who has taken time to talk to me. Thank you so much. I am going to have to sit the holidays out until uni and schools are back and I hope I will be strong enough then when the initial anger / devestation has subsided. Just over a week to go.

And to everyone else, Springfleurs,

don't let that anger/devastation subside! then the doubts will set in. When you read threads like this you see that's when women decide they are "overreacting" and end up staying - only for them and their kids to suffer it all over again and again. Stay outraged as you have every right to be sss. If anyone but your DP had treated you so badly you wouldn't get over it in a hurry - as you shouldn't with him.

I am so glad to see that you are still planning your escape. Be strong.

OMG yes stay angry until you are rid.

I got angry reading the messages from OW PLURAL when i was pg with DS and i was so upset i threw up. I am pretty laid back and have been since i had nervous breakdown, my emotions shut off before they get too hurtful.. I also find it hard to get angry, upset, or hold a grudge, and this is where i make my mistakes, i have forgiven DP for things by simply brushing them aside which is not good, then they crop up again and again to cause more pain.

Get angry, stay angry, leave him, then breathe and allow yourself to grieve because even though he was a cunt you will miss him, have wobbles, worry about breaking up your family.

Ultimately no one, however, can tell you to leave or stay. They don't live your life. If you choose to stay, despite everyone's advice to the contrary, so be it, they won't think any less of you, i know this from personal experience.

Your anger may take you down the path of staying with him but not putting up with his shit any more.

Only you can choose your path in life, take advice or leave it.
Just remember you have a lot of support here whether you go or stay.

I agree but it has to be your own decision to leave. At various times earlier I just wasn 't ready or it wasn't bad enough.
(soso, thanks - I certainly show how you can get out of these things and do okay after)

Just. Please. Leave. Protect your child. This will not stop. Please take all the advice on here - it will work out you know. I am thinking about you xx

I can only concur with the advice on here.

In my experience, men like this don't change. They just go on and on, and keep getting worse.

I was with a man like this for too long. When I eventually told him it was over, calmly and politely, he was contrite. For the first 30 seconds. Then he accused me of having someone else. I told him (truthfully at the time) there was no-one else, but I couldnt stand another minute of being treated like shit and spoken to like it as well, not to mention the physical violence as well, although after about the 3rd time the police came round, he stopped trying to physically hurt me. He didnt stop calling me a fat ugly cunt though, and telling me how disgusting i was and how no-one else would want me.

He then refused to move out, so I had to suffer the next few months with him, despising him every day, and mostly wishing he would disappear, so I didnt have the hassle of trying to get him to leave.

I eventually found somewhere to live, and a new man, and moved out. I was in love, and actually happy for the first time I could remember. That wasnt the end of it of course, because the man was married so my ex (who doesnt have a moral bone in his body so had no motivation other than spite) thought he should (a) contact his wife and family and then (b) cause hell for him at work. As well of course as reminding me that I was a fat ugly cunt who no-one would want, and to remember no man would ever leave his wife for me, because I was nothing.

So that fucked up not only that relationship, but the lives of an entire family he'd never met. but thats the kind of lovely guy he is.

And it hasnt stopped there. Last week he called my eldest DC a stupid fat fucker. and today I'm missing my younger DC party because said DC doesnt want me there, no doubt on daddys suggestion. I thought it would all stop once I left, then i hoped it would once all the other stuff happened, but now im starting to wonder if it ever will, or whether now he doesn't have me to treat like shit he is starting on the kids.

my fault i guess for letting it all go on so long. you have to do whats right for you, but i would hate for anyone else to end up as i am, especially as half my friends now dont speak to me because they consider I over-reacted by leaving him, and wonder why we couldnt have worked out our problems

What a sad and horrible story, I hope you find a happy and stable solution for you and your DS soon.

I also work in a university and I second what Habbibu said about student advice services/hardship funds etc. Also, if you have a tutor or lecturer that you feel you can confide in, please do. In many cases it is possible to make allowances for students who are going through difficult times, such as permitting a student to sit re-sits instead of the main set of exams if that is going to pile on the stress for them. Don't feel bashful, in my experience we have had students with all sorts of worries/life situations, and we have never taken them anything but seriously and considerately. The last thing you need right now is worrying about uni, but please don't let this man ruin your education - you are worth it and you can get help from your uni to get through this tough time. As well as all the other emotional and practical support mentioned on this thread.

Good luck.