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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone please help me - I don't know what to do anymore

110 replies

sososad · 05/04/2009 17:16

DP and I have been together for 13 years since we were 18. The man I met was sweet, gentle and loving but over the years has turned into an angry Jekyll and Hyde character. We have a 7 year old DS and he sees nothing wrong in calling me a "fking idio" "Stupid cnt" etc in front of him. I have tried talking to him about the effect he is bound to be having on DS but he can't see he is doing any wrong. He is constantly in a bad mood and has even decided that I shouldn't talk to him in the mornings as it makes him angry as he is in a bad mood.

I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and only started talking about it about three years ago. I don't see my family and we communicate rarely via email. I have never had it out with them and feel guilty about severing contact all together even though I don't really understand why. Anyway, DP took it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him and says my family are weirdos and he thinks I am strange for staying in touch with them even though I have tried to explain how I feel about it all.

We moved to a new area a few years ago and he was lucky enough to make a couple of mates quickly. It took me ages to settle in and life has only been better over the past year because I started uni and also have got to know some of the mums on my street a bit better and we occasionally socialise.

Fast forward to today. I always take Ds out at the weekends so we can spend quality time together. DP has a leg injury which happenned back in July and never comes with us, though in all fairness he never did before the injury either. Today I thought it would be nice to go out as a family so we all went to a castle. On the way back DP started the name calling again because I don't like Ds having boiled weets or chewing gum which he thinks it stupid. I explained that I am actually quite relaxed and this is the only thing I insist on. He then said that he thinks I am too affectionate with DS and kiss him too much. He had a look about him when he said this so I asked what that was supposed to mean. With that he literally went ballistic. He screeched the car to a halt by an embankment, went round to the passenger side, dragged me out and threw me into down the embankment into a field full of nettles. He then went back to his side to try to drive off so luckily I was able to get DS out of the car before he drove off like a maniac. DS and I had to walk home which was luckily only 2 miles, only interrupted my my crying (I know I should have held it together in front of DS but I couldn't) and the phone ringing with DP telling me first not to come home because if I did "Wait and see what I do" then finally him saying he was going out otherwise he would hurt me if he was there when I got back. He also screamed at me that it is over.

I just feel so distressd right now. DS has a mate over now and they playing but god knows what damage that incident did to him. I also don't know what I am going to do now. I am scared I will have to leave uni and if I don;t I will almost certainly have to move closer to uni which means in the holidays when my friends go home I will be on my own. Can anyone give me any advice please because I am so scared. Thanks for reading this

OP posts:
CrushWithEyeliner · 05/04/2009 18:19

Oh God SS how were you antagonising him exactly? By breathing the same air?

You need to get out before your son is seriously damaged by this. He has grown up thinking this is how Men treat Women

mrsboogie · 05/04/2009 18:19

"As long as I don't antagonise him further when he gets back I will be fine"

please tell me that you know it is unacceptable for you to live like this? if he comes back and lifts a finger to you please please call the police.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 05/04/2009 18:21

Call the local police station and ask to speak to a domestic violence worker. Report the incident. They may be able to send someone round to speak to this man when he gets home, and if he kicks off again they will remove him from the house and lock him up overnight - and it may be possible to get a court order to keep him out of the house, even if he owns it (because it's the family home which means that you and the DC are entitled to live there without a violent man hurting and intimidating you so he is the one who has to leave because it's HIS fault.
You are not 'antagonizing' him SSS. He has decided that he is entitled to beat you up whenever he feels like it because you are a 'woman' not a human being, and it's about time he got it demonstrated to him that this is not acceptable and he won't be permitted to continue doing it.

Wilts · 05/04/2009 18:22

I am sorry that you are going through this and I also know how hard it is to try and work out how on earth you will ever leave.

I went through a catalogue of physical and emotional abuse with my ex until one day enough was enough.

I am not very good with practical advise so just echo what the others say about womans aid/refuge.

Please don't worry about leaving with nothing a refuge will help you with clothing/money etc.

girlylala0807 · 05/04/2009 18:22

bump

Wilts · 05/04/2009 18:23

Advice, sorry.

Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 18:25

Sososad, if it has been going on this long the last thing he will expect you to do is call the police. It will be so bloody hard but do it! Once that is done the ball will be rolling and you can get out of this awful situation. Solidgolds advice is the best way if you possibly can.

If you don't feel ready for that then tell him that you have rung your local police station and logged a complaint, better still actually do it. You can do this. You log a complaint but ask for no further action to be taken. It will be kept on file and taken into account if and when he starts again.

Original poster
sososad · 05/04/2009 18:28

I know I need to do this. I have stared keeping a diary again after a decade and remember writing a few weeks ago that I am a different person at uni to who I am at home. I laugh all the time at uni but at home I can feel the atmosphere is heavy and I never laugh unless I am with Ds. I know he is entirely in the wrong (even though he can't see it) but if I can I want to leave with all my things too. Would Womens Aid still help me with this if I want to look for a new place in the next few days rather than immediately?

And re DS, you are all right and this is something I worry about every minute of every day. He is laughing and playing silly buggers with his mate at the moment but I know he won't see the severity of this until he is older. Ironically DP often talks to DS about the importance of treating women right so why can't he follow his own example?

OP posts:
Original poster
sososad · 05/04/2009 18:29

Oh, am near Sheffield btw

OP posts:
Original poster
sososad · 05/04/2009 18:30

PS - I can't call the police. If I did that my life would not be worth living. He would things so much worse. I am hoping we can just decide to separate and go our separate ways without the police having to be involved. If I got him arrested or had someone in to talk to him he would be beyond livid

OP posts:
Original poster
sososad · 05/04/2009 18:31

PPS - Wilts - how did you escape in the end?

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 05/04/2009 18:34

Women's Aid will not insist you leave immediately. They are there to support you whatever you decide to do. They will also help you with regard to packing your stuff if necessary. If your plan is to placate this awful man tonight so you can pack your things and go tomorrow then that's not a bad plan as long as you are sure you can stay calm... remember if he comes home and is violent again call the police and they will literally come and take him away from the house and lock him up for the night.

lizandlulu · 05/04/2009 18:34

wow, i really hope you find some help and advice without angering him any more (not that its you, i just mean without making the situation any worse)

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 05/04/2009 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 18:37

Yes he would be livid but if he is anything like my ex - also a horrible bully, he will be a bit scared too. Might help him to think twice before he starts dragging people out of cars.

How about just logging the complaint then? Might make you feel a bit safer.

Yurtgirl · 05/04/2009 18:39

sososad - It is terrible that he is behaving like this towards you

I hope you find the strength and support to get away from him for your sake and your sons

You deserve better

prettyfly1 · 05/04/2009 18:41

ok. Practicalities. As a single parent at uni you will get full grants, full benefits and full access to childcare. Forget worrying about that - you wont have to leave and you will probably do better without this awfulness distracting you.

Secondly, can you go and stay somewhere else - have you seen your gp for councelling and have you called the police. This was an assault and you need to report it. It will only get far worse from here. Who have you got supporting you - are there mnetters in your area who know of support services for women suffering dv.

So sorry that you are going through this - massive hugs.

Original poster
sososad · 05/04/2009 18:42

If I log a complaint would DP ever find out about it and would the police have to visit? I would need a cast iron gurantee that he would never find out.

I know DS is a victim in this too. Right now he seems to take everything at face value and adores his dad but this is going to come back at him in the future. I am incredibly angry at my parents because my father abused me and my mother knew and never left. I will not be that women, never. I just wish I felt stronger about it. I am terrified of being lonely forever even though I am lonely now

OP posts:
Wilts · 05/04/2009 18:45

Sososad- I didn't leave, I was never strong enough ( I had been made to believe over the years how worthless etc I was) I went to a refuge and still came home.

As well as all the abuse that was going on he was also a serial cheater and as luck would have it I suppose, he got someone pregnant- that was the final straw and I had the strength to chuck him out( luckily he went)

My son still remembers the police being at my house after one incident ( he was 3 at the time)

I think you can present yourself at the local council as homeless, they have a duty to give you some sort of accommodation. That may give you time to get all your things together etc.

KimiWantsAnEasterEgg · 05/04/2009 18:47

Oh sweetheart, Please please pick up the phone, What he did today was assault.

Is there anyone at all you can stay with tonight?

mrsboogie · 05/04/2009 18:49

Being alone is nothing compared to living with a monster. Look at your DP now and that will be your son in 20 years time. He will never be happy or have a decent relationship with a woman because all this shit is being imprinted on his brain now.

You won't be alone for ever. You are young - you have all the time in the world to meet a decent man who treats you and your son the way you should be treated.

The bit where you just get up and leave is the hard bit - it will all be easier after that.

You have a choice, leave now and take the chance of escape or leave later when you are older, you're tired and battered and your son is fucked up. Or wait till he kills you.
It happens every day.

prettyfly1 · 05/04/2009 18:49

If you log a complaint I dont think he can. Your best advice is to call womens refuge and they can advice you fully - there is a woman on here who works for one - she posted yday about fundraising for her shelter - does anyone have cat details for her - she might be very helpful for you.

Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 18:51

My ex found out I had logged complaints because I told him, otherwise I don't think he would have done.

WA can help you everything you will need, applying for benefits, rehousing etc. They have seen this a million times before.

You say that you will never be that woman but at the moment through no fault of your own you ARE that woman. It is NOT your fault. Your P has chosen to behave this way, he sounds like the biggest, bullying toad I have ever heard of.

At the moment you are lonely AND scared. At least you will only be lonely once you leave and whose to say you will be lonely for ever. Many abused women go on to make successful relationships because of their previous experiences. They know exactly what they are looking for.

Wilts · 05/04/2009 18:53

Please please don't be worried about being lonely forever.

I was a person who had every part of my personalty taken away from me by that numpty and I thought putting up with what I did was better that being alone.

But you have your son and he will keep you strong, you have your degree to focus on.

It may just feel like at the moment you will be lonely but you truly won't.

Scootergrrrl · 05/04/2009 19:10

The emergency number for Sheffield Womens Aid is on their website here

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