Can someone please help me - I don't know what to do anymore

[sososad]

DP and I have been together for 13 years since we were 18. The man I met was sweet, gentle and loving but over the years has turned into an angry Jekyll and Hyde character. We have a 7 year old DS and he sees nothing wrong in calling me a "fking idio" "Stupid cnt" etc in front of him. I have tried talking to him about the effect he is bound to be having on DS but he can't see he is doing any wrong. He is constantly in a bad mood and has even decided that I shouldn't talk to him in the mornings as it makes him angry as he is in a bad mood.

I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and only started talking about it about three years ago. I don't see my family and we communicate rarely via email. I have never had it out with them and feel guilty about severing contact all together even though I don't really understand why. Anyway, DP took it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him and says my family are weirdos and he thinks I am strange for staying in touch with them even though I have tried to explain how I feel about it all.

We moved to a new area a few years ago and he was lucky enough to make a couple of mates quickly. It took me ages to settle in and life has only been better over the past year because I started uni and also have got to know some of the mums on my street a bit better and we occasionally socialise.

Fast forward to today. I always take Ds out at the weekends so we can spend quality time together. DP has a leg injury which happenned back in July and never comes with us, though in all fairness he never did before the injury either. Today I thought it would be nice to go out as a family so we all went to a castle. On the way back DP started the name calling again because I don't like Ds having boiled weets or chewing gum which he thinks it stupid. I explained that I am actually quite relaxed and this is the only thing I insist on. He then said that he thinks I am too affectionate with DS and kiss him too much. He had a look about him when he said this so I asked what that was supposed to mean. With that he literally went ballistic. He screeched the car to a halt by an embankment, went round to the passenger side, dragged me out and threw me into down the embankment into a field full of nettles. He then went back to his side to try to drive off so luckily I was able to get DS out of the car before he drove off like a maniac. DS and I had to walk home which was luckily only 2 miles, only interrupted my my crying (I know I should have held it together in front of DS but I couldn't) and the phone ringing with DP telling me first not to come home because if I did "Wait and see what I do" then finally him saying he was going out otherwise he would hurt me if he was there when I got back. He also screamed at me that it is over.

I just feel so distressd right now. DS has a mate over now and they playing but god knows what damage that incident did to him. I also don't know what I am going to do now. I am scared I will have to leave uni and if I don;t I will almost certainly have to move closer to uni which means in the holidays when my friends go home I will be on my own. Can anyone give me any advice please because I am so scared. Thanks for reading this

OMG! Absolutely shocking behaviour from this so called man!

You know you need to get away from him as quickly as is humanly possible. The hairs on my arms rose when I read your op, he is one scary b*stard! He needs locking up! Not only has he physically abused you (as if that is not bad enough), he done it on front of your child. Am so angry that people think it is ok to treat other people like this, never mind people who they are supposed to love!

This is NOT your fault! He controls his reactions, not you. You are not responsible in any way for the utterly disgraceful actions of this man.

Take all the help, advice and support that is available to you and run away as fast as you can. Don't let anyone or anything stop you!

Good luck sososad and do keep posting.

OK - he has threatened you and told you that you are not safe. You need to listen to him, he knows what he's talking about.

Have you phoned Woman's Aid or Refuge, yet?

You need to stay safe, and keep your son safe. Will he have calmed down by the time he comes back? What will you do if he is still wound up? Are you able to keep out of his way, placate him until you can get out of there, even if only temporarily?

He threw down an embankment - he THREW you down an embankment and made you walk home.
If you are afraid of him to the point where you feel you can't phone the police because of what he will do, phone WA.

Phone them and get help - they will be able to advise you. Take some control back, take it back right now. You don't deserve to be treated like this. It's not right and you know it. Find a way to get out for your sake and for the sake of your son.

Sending you strength.

Sorry for the delay. Was sorting (a late) tea out for DS and his friend.

You are all so kind. Thank you for all your messages. I have a couple of non local friends I can talk to about this, the rest don't have a clue. They see the "public me" the laughing happy smiley one. They don't know the sad scared me who feels alone most of the time. A couple in their late twenties live next door to us and the wife has recently made a lot of effort to invite me out and include me in her plans. The walls are so thin in this house I guess maybe she knows but I don't know her well enough to talk to her about it.

DP still hasn't come home. DS was talking about the incident to his mate and has now gone round to their house which is round the corner so now doubt he has told the parents too. DS is being brought back home at 8pm so I will try womens aid after Ds has gone to bed providing DP isn't home again.

I remember saying to one of my mates a while ago that it is worse to be lonlier in a relationship than to be lonely on your own and this is something I will try to take with me when I am feeling weak in the next few days

sososad, it is very good that your son is talking about it. Might be an idea to let you P now that when he gets home. These types thrive on secrecy. My x used to go mad when I spoke to other people about what was going on, do you know why? Because deep down they know what they are doing is so, so wrong but even though they know that they still don't want to stop doing it, so lets all keep it a secret and then I don' have to face up to what a sh*thead I am, I might even have to stop bullying my partner if other people know about it and that would never do.

This is the hardest thing you will ever do but is it any harder than being dragged out of a car because you said something he didn't like, is it harder than desperately trying to get your ds out of the car and those few seconds when I bet you thought you would not be able to get to him? Whatever you decide or do just keep posting. I got so much strength from MN when things were bad for me. I would even go so far as to say that it changed me as a person because I knew for a fact that if 100 women on here were telling me that my ex was a wanker then he was indeed a wanker and it wasn't in my head and it wasn't my fault.

Applauds springfleurs!

It took me a long while to leave a fairly abusive husband. I don't think the physical violence was the worst thing and not as bad as you describe but the rest of it, the loss of temper, criticism etc was pretty and yet sometimes when you're in those relationships you almost can't see how bad it is. It's been so much better since we divorced but it was the hardest thing I ever did.

Don't rush or panic,. I think it's probably more likely he'll be sorry but at the very least you need to be saying things to him like you want to split up unless he agrees to go to anger management counselling and various other conditions. You also shoudl consider staying put and if you do want him out getting a court order to exclude him as legally it's not always wise to make yourself homeless. If staying means you'll be seriously hurt of course go. If not then you'd be better getting a lawyer to get a fairly immediate court order against him to leave on the grounds of the violence, see the GP for evidence tomorrow so at least the rash is examined and recorded and ensure you have knowledge of and access to what bank accounts he has, marriage certificate, pass port etc.

I have never felt so lonely as in my marriage and certainly not being single afterwards.

God cant believe so many of us live like this and feel we are to blame, I feel for you and know only too well the feeling of not wanting to antagonise

I applaud all those who have been where I am and come through the other side. I hope I can be as strong as you are.

DP is on a waiting list for anger management though grudgingly as "I don't need it and will probably end up punching the smug counsellors lights out" He used to be lovely then he was less lovely and now he is downright horrible. Sometimes he will cook me a lovely meal and say he would be lost without me but mainly its abuse and I can't live like this anymore.

Realistically if I want to continue my degree I would need to move closer to uni or at least to somewhere cheaper and smaller. Thank god we are not married. DS is still up but when he has gone to bed I will try to make the call to Womens Aid again.

Do make that call. It's such a relief to now you are not alone.

Report the incident to the police too. It is possible to log it without any action, it then puts you in the system, so the if you have to call them in the future you will be flagged, and so be a higher priority. he won't know unless you tell him. I had to do one a week ago, and he only knows because ds told him about 'the eddie truck he saw as we came out of the police station'

Please, also, make yourself an escape plan, and try to have essential stuff, paperwork etc, all together in case you and ds do have to go.

xx

sss,

I don't have words to express my horror at the abuse that your P is inflicting on your 7 yr old thru his abuse of you.

Please fight back. (No point in fighting with him though, and possibly dangerous) Photograph your scratches/nettle-rash. Log the complaint with the police. Save P's threatening messages or record calls if you can. Keep trying WA. See your GP. Then get away from this dangerous criminal.

Hi sososad, I am totally gobsmacked at the way your partner treated you earlier today. I really echo the advice you've already received on here that you need to get out. ASAP

He assaulted you in front of your son, in a public place. He was so out of control that he didn't even stop to consider who might be witnessing his attack. This makes even more dangerous in my eyes, if he doesn't care who sees in public, what would he be capable of in private?

Is there one person from your uni life, that you could confide in? Someone you can trust, just to talk to? I think women's aid is definately the way to go for you, you need the protection they can offer and the advice on practicalities but I think it would be much easier if you had someone in RL to 'hold your hand' as it were. You will receive great support on here, mn is fabulous in times of need, but RL support is important too.

I will be thinking about you.x

If you do get a non molestation order and exclude him from the home then he gets a criminal record which not everyone wants for their partner. If you're not married your financial position in respect of him is completly different as you have no entitled to maintenacne (except for the child) so it isn't usualyl a good thing not to be married. Do you or you and he own the place you live in? Presumably he earns more than you do if you're a student.

Ian Fleming wrote a short story called the Quantum of Solace. He said when the solace/comfort/pleasure you get from a marriage/relationship reaches zero then you leave. That's what happend to me . The abuse, violence, atmosphere at home just got so bad I was getting nothing out of the relationship at all. The chidlren even have benefited in our case from the spilt as he was so awful.

(good idea about the escape plan - know where your important documents are like NI number, passports of you and child, birth certs etc)

This is truly horrendous , appalling behaviour.

These are the actions of a very dangerous person.

I am sorry this has happened to you , and your son.

I've suddenly thought - you're at university. Your students' union will have a welfare officer. S/he may even be able to sort you out with accommodation for you and DS. S/he can certainly liaise with the university officials on your behalf...

How are you today sss? How did it go last night? Hope you are ok.

Hello again. Well DP came home before DS went to bed so didn't get a chance to call WA back. He has not apologised, all he said was he knows its not right to do what he did but I shouldn't have said what I did. I walked out of the room, had my tea then went to bed. He is asleep on the sofa now which is where the phone is. Feel numb today and just want to get into bed, pull the covers over my head and have it all go away. . Am going to look for rental places now on the web as.

LTJ - I won't be able to call uni until after the Easter holidays. Luckily I am only in 2 days a week afterwards until the summer holidays so I will get a bit of breathing space for this too.

I don't understand - why are you not telling this dangerous man to leave? You'd be given help to pay for the property and would be given help with travel to/from uni, etc. Why should you and your son leave? I'd kick him out, and get an injunction against him if he causes you problems. I've known men to be thrown out with no notice for a lot less!
I wish you luck sorting out your situation. You'll find there's a lot of support out there for you. It's just you don't realise at first.
My kids witnessed things like this, and remember it well. But, they seem OK as we talked about it rather than pretend it didn't happen, and they're now in a happy environment. I'm still in contact with my exH and actually on good terms. The kids know that behaviour could not be condoned (we immediately separated, then divorced), but they also see that we've moved on from it.

Sort out a plan. Put all your important documents (passports, birth certs etc) in a bag and leave them accessible so you can grab them if you need to.
Please please please PLEASE don't let him carry on treating you like this. I echo everything said on here - go to the docs, go to the police, call Women's Aid. Please don't continue to be a vicyim and keep posting on here.
Sending you lots of support and power.

I know it is all too easy for strangers on the internet to tell you to leave. In reality it is so much harder. I'd ask any woman on here who has been in similar circumstances, do you wish you had left earlier? With hindsight, how would you have done it?

Right now SSS you need a lot of support and positive stories of women who have left and importantly, how they found the courage to leave.

Stay strong SSS, make that call as soon as you get the chance. Don't allow this to be one of the many future occasions that he will be violent to you.

I told my DH your story last night and he couldn't believe it. Honestly, he was shocked and said even without the violence and even without the abuse, how could any man have left you 2 miles from home with your child to walk home. It is not right and it is not your fault. The violent and abusive aspect makes it a million times worse.

Is there anyone you could leave an 'emergency' bag with - some clothing, items for your child, anything of sentimental value - and also your documents, so that they are safe away from the house, and one less thing for you to think about if you have to leave quickly?

Nothing at all that you could have said would ever have justified that reaction from him. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and really hope that you can escape safely as soon as possible.

It sounds to me as though your neighbour might well suspect what's going on and may turn out to be a really good ally for you - I'd talk to her if you get chance, she seems to be encouraging it. I confided in someone I don't know that well last week and she was amazingly supportive. Possibly you could even leave your escape bag next door so you can get out quickly if it comes to it.

I wish I was near you so I could come and help. Might be worth making sure you delete your internet records if you're looking for rental places so he doesn't catch on to what you're doing..

sososad - I'll keep this short as you've already had lots of good advice from others on here. Echo the idea of keeping an "emergency bag" ready - if nothing else by the simple act of packing it you're signalling to your subconscious that you're prepared to leave when you decide the line has been crossed.

Also, not sure which area of Sheffield you're in but this is the webpage for the local policing team where the University is.

neighbourhood.southyorks.police.uk/sheffield/hillsborough/team3

If you're not comfortable about telephoning them, they also have an email address:
[email protected]

They should be able to forward your message to a domestic abuse officer who can give you solid, practical advice and put you in touch with the organisations that can help you out once you're away.

Yes it's very hard to know when to leave. I don't think I should have broken up my marriage earlier. It was only when I really thought it was intolerable that I left.

It sounded like you want to be nearer the university anyway, that you're not married ( so would not get any spousal maintenance from him) and that probably you would get the child - but do not assume women always do adn that's an issue if you split up. I certainly made it the first thing I took legal advice on - would I lose the children if we divorced.

I'm at the last hurdle of what you're going through. My partner also calls me those names in front of our 2 year old, has also dragged me out of the car leaving me to get home, 7 months preg, with no purse or mobile on me, once or twice, second time in a different town 10 miles from home.

I live in West Yorks and my family and friends are 200 miles away. I have no support to help deal with his behaviour.

Over the years, I keep posting on forums for views, but keep getting the same response ; leave him, it will only get worse. I don't know why I keep posting just to keep raeding the same response, think it's to help buffer me up ready for what has to be done. It's taken nearly 7 years now...

Family and friends are exasperated, "WHY do you still stay with him?" the answer is, the memory of Love, that I once loved him, before he turned Jekyll and Hyde, combined with his cleverness at making me think it's all my fault, stalled me so long.

Now I wonder if women don't get away until they realise they no longer have feelings of love for him, or until he hurts their children...beware your innocent Health Visitor, visits to A&E and even your Doctor - they log anything you say or insinuate and any injuries, they all communicate with eachother, your children can be flagged up for monitoring if there's Domestic Violence in the home. Who knows where that can lead.

My final hurdle is to remove his belongings into storage. I'm expecting his child in 9 weeks. I hope to move back to my family before then. By removing his stuff into storage, I risk being killed by him, he's said so, he's capable of it. Murder isn't always planned, it can be accidental, an angry Jekyll & Hyde man pushed too far, (as removing his belongings will do).

I'm still gobsmacked so many women live with this. I thought it only happened to people on those 'Shameless' type estates, to weak-minded and gullible women. It's a cliche you'll hear lots, but 'it will only get worse'.

Once Respect has gone, it will never return, even counselling doesn't work with these men. Your child deserves a better life, even if you think you don't.