Can someone please help me - I don't know what to do anymore

[sososad]

DP and I have been together for 13 years since we were 18. The man I met was sweet, gentle and loving but over the years has turned into an angry Jekyll and Hyde character. We have a 7 year old DS and he sees nothing wrong in calling me a "fking idio" "Stupid cnt" etc in front of him. I have tried talking to him about the effect he is bound to be having on DS but he can't see he is doing any wrong. He is constantly in a bad mood and has even decided that I shouldn't talk to him in the mornings as it makes him angry as he is in a bad mood.

I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and only started talking about it about three years ago. I don't see my family and we communicate rarely via email. I have never had it out with them and feel guilty about severing contact all together even though I don't really understand why. Anyway, DP took it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him and says my family are weirdos and he thinks I am strange for staying in touch with them even though I have tried to explain how I feel about it all.

We moved to a new area a few years ago and he was lucky enough to make a couple of mates quickly. It took me ages to settle in and life has only been better over the past year because I started uni and also have got to know some of the mums on my street a bit better and we occasionally socialise.

Fast forward to today. I always take Ds out at the weekends so we can spend quality time together. DP has a leg injury which happenned back in July and never comes with us, though in all fairness he never did before the injury either. Today I thought it would be nice to go out as a family so we all went to a castle. On the way back DP started the name calling again because I don't like Ds having boiled weets or chewing gum which he thinks it stupid. I explained that I am actually quite relaxed and this is the only thing I insist on. He then said that he thinks I am too affectionate with DS and kiss him too much. He had a look about him when he said this so I asked what that was supposed to mean. With that he literally went ballistic. He screeched the car to a halt by an embankment, went round to the passenger side, dragged me out and threw me into down the embankment into a field full of nettles. He then went back to his side to try to drive off so luckily I was able to get DS out of the car before he drove off like a maniac. DS and I had to walk home which was luckily only 2 miles, only interrupted my my crying (I know I should have held it together in front of DS but I couldn't) and the phone ringing with DP telling me first not to come home because if I did "Wait and see what I do" then finally him saying he was going out otherwise he would hurt me if he was there when I got back. He also screamed at me that it is over.

I just feel so distressd right now. DS has a mate over now and they playing but god knows what damage that incident did to him. I also don't know what I am going to do now. I am scared I will have to leave uni and if I don;t I will almost certainly have to move closer to uni which means in the holidays when my friends go home I will be on my own. Can anyone give me any advice please because I am so scared. Thanks for reading this

I never had such bad abuse as on here but I stayed (I was married almost 20 years) perhaps longer than I should. Plenty of women abuse men too so let's not be sexist about it and even physically abuse men.

What turned things around for me was (a) he was getting worse (b) realising how I was living was not normal and (c) the older 3 children byt then teenagers each coming to me saying to get rid of him or even have him killed. When I was staying together for the sake of teh chilren and they wanted us not to be together that was the tipping point plus the youngets children being old enough so I thougth I could manage without his help (I've always worked full time).

There are so many wise women on here and sadly so many women who are going through / have been through the same thing.

Re an emergency bag, I don't know where I would go. All my uni friends are home now and I don't know my neighbour friends well enough to land them with something like this just yet. DP would have to go.

I called WA today and spoke to a counsellor there. She said if I am at uni a refuge would be no good as it would be too hard trying to study and live with Ds in one room, though if I did get desparate this could be a temporary option and they could help me with storage for my things (as in find a cheap one, not pay for it). She said if I contact my LA the fact that I am studying in the area will give me extra points or they may be able to help me with a deposit for a private rental. She also agreed that this is not something that Ds should be told is a secret but if he talks about it at school then SS would probably become involved.

Xenia - it never even crossed my mind that I wouldn't get DS. When DS was a baby DP stayed at home with him for the first 3 years of his life. I worked full time because DP didn't earn enough to support all of us while I did. I also did 95% of all the housework too during this time. When DS was first born I felt as if I wasn't going to cope and once, just once, said I wish I hadn't had him when I couldn't settle him and felt useless as a mother. This is something DP has thrown in my face so many times in the last 7 years and would probably use it to get custody of DS. I guess I could use his cannabis habit against him but it might be my work against his and what if custody is awarded to him. I would rather stay put if that is the case. After DS was 3 we both worked for a while and there were a couple of years where I worked pt and he worked ft. During that time he constantly reminded me who earnt the money in the house.

Farmgirls - your story sounds just like mine. You have a lovely family by the sounds of it and they will support you in getting away from this man. Perhaps we could help each other emotionally, we are not too far away from each other as I am in S Yorks. Where do your family live? Would you like to CAT me or we could find a way to talk via email. I understand if you can't or don't want to but if it would help then please do so.

Oh and we have hardly spoken to each other today except for the fact that he says he will not apologise until I do first.

There a quite a few rental properties I could potentially go for but I need to ensure the local schools have space for DS as I don't drive and would need to juggle uni and DS's schooling

They always say they will go for custody, they always say you are a bad mother, I can't tell you how many times I heard that. If I forgot the dummy for the baby, I was a bad mother, if I cooked on the front ring of the gas cooker because all the other rings were full, even though the baby gate was shut and dc couldn't get in to the kitchen, I was a bad mother, in fact I was disgusting because I didn't care about my dc getting burned, when I went to college for 6 weeks, I was deficient in maternal instinct. He could never leave me because I couldnt "live without a man and would allow my children to be abused just so I could have a man round the place". I could go on and on for ever. He once said in front of my two year old daughter that you can't be nice to women because "they walk all over you if you are".

It is all part of the abuse and said to frighten and control you. This is why it might be an idea to log this incident with the local police if you think there is any chance at all of him going down that road.

Your P is a bloody star and fantastic parent though isn't he for dragging you down an embankment because you kiss you ds too much? Allowing you and your ds to walk home afterwards and every single other abusive thing that has gone on.

"Once Respect has gone, it will never return, even counselling doesn't work with these men." So so true farmgirls.

sososad, at least you are thinking about things now and moving on in tiny steps. It all gets you somewhere in the end.

Xenia - I have been thinking an awful lot today about your quote from Quantum of Solace. It is very helpful for me to read that because it almost a factual and scientifc way of looking at the end of a relationship, actually being able to measure at what point a relationship ends.

Thanks, when my quantum of solace reached zero then I left but it took a long time (and I never had particularly bad physical abuse so not as bad as on here).

On the residence of children mostly women get it which is very very unfair on men of course. I am very infavour of father's rights or at least a 50/50 split. My children's father spent a bit more time with them than me but my lawyer said as the oklder 3 were teneagers and wer old enough to choose and would choose me the courts would not split the younger ones from the older. Only when I was sure of that did I go ahead. I do remember a dreadful thread on another place on line of a lady with a very bossy headmaster husband, who abused her and he managed to get the daughter, he managed to argue she was unfit - paid for psychologist reports, excluded her even frmo the child's school. It was dreadful. It's risk you run when you leave. It's even more of a risk for men who leave and plenty of fathers put up with dreadful treatment at home and wives' affairs soluely because they nkow if they leave they may never see their children again.

Butin reality mostly women do get the children obviously ensure the other parent has contact

Oh flower. Are you my twin?
I know how frightening and upsetting and how ANGRY it makes you to be dumped in the middle of nowhere with a DC..and have no money, no phone, and no way of getting home other than walking.

Allow me to explain. When my DS (now 11 weeks) was 3 weeks old, i went to a local shopping centre with my DP, walking around, he began to snipe about a joking comment i had made the night before about not having been given an xmas present (because DP was broke, so fair enough).. he had said to a friend that he wasn't going to get me anything for valentines day, i had replied 'well no worries i'm saving them up, i didn't get a pressie for xmas either'

So, as i say, walking round this shopping centre, he commented that 'I won't ever live that down, will i? Not getting you an xmas present'

Annoyed at his nitpicking, i responded.."no, not when you brought things for your car and an xbox game for your nephew after you told me you were broke, and i brought your kids pyjamas because they needed them and you said you had no money."
"If you don't shut your fucking mouth i will smack it up for you" he said. "I'll knock you the fuck out. Find your own way home"
And walked off. It had been snowing quite heavily, i had made the mistake of not bringing any money or a credit card because i wasn't intending to buy anything, to me, it was just time out of the house. He had left me to walk home from the same place when i was 5 months pg, and again when i was 8 1/2 months...so i guess leaving me and a 3 week old baby to walk back in the wind and the snow, with no way of getting home, contacting anyone to give me a lift, i guess it came as second nature to him. The baby was like a bit of ice by the time i got back. He was in a pushchair with no raincover, only a cozytoes, and i took him out to put him under my coat, and pushed the buggy the 8 miles back home in about an hour because i was so stressed and worried...I tried to flag down buses but was told if i had no money they couldn't let me on And no, he didn't apologise, any of those three times.
I felt sick, and so angry, and i thought i was having something similar to an asthma attack i was so close to crying my throat closed up and i couldn't breathe.

I didn't leave him.
He was on his xbox totally unconcerned when we walked in, and didn't even ask if DS was ok. IMO..what he did is assault and child abuse.
And i allowed it to happen by manner of omission.

Not long after, we were (stupidly) at the same place, when we had a disagreement over size of clothes for his DD, my DSD. I was buying them so expected to have a little input. Anyway, long story short, he walzed off after giving me a mouthful in the shop, calling me a cunt and telling me to fuck off.
I walked outside after buying the clothes anyway (i wasn't going to run after him to cling onto his leg) and he was sat outside with a face like archie's at the wedding in eastenders lol.
So i walked right past him. I went outside for a cigarette, at which point he walked up to me and began .. "I don't know whats wrong with you, really i don't"
As if I'D done something wrong cheeky fucker!! So i lost my rag. The red mist decended. And i flew into a verbal torrent of ..truth. Nothing better.
"You did this to me before, you left me here with a three week old baby to walk home in the snow, eight miles. You knew i had no money..the little cogs must have been clicking round in your head..'Oh she's got no money, how can i fuck her up? I'll leave her and a newborn baby to walk 8 miles home'..AND you threatened to knock me the fuck out in front of our new baby, AND you did it in front of the DSC's"
Well his mouth opened and closed like a goldfish.
"Well, this time i HAVE money, so if you're going to go, just fucking GO"
By this time we had a bit of a crowd. I felt so embarrassed, i apologised to the nearest ones for rowing in public and scuttled off with DP following looking like a smacked puppy.

Fast forward. His job involves being called out quite long distances.
So, to not waste the day, saturday he had a callout, so we went in the car, me, the baby, and DP. We went to gloucester, easily an hours drive away from home. Now, i am a smoker, and he isn't, and with the baby in the car also, i won't smoke. So, having been in the car for around an hour and 1/2, i said i would like to go get something to eat, and go to the loo..then i could have a cigarette.

Well i didn't know the area very well so just went the way i knew. Which, apparently, was a longer way then a way HE knew but hadn't told me. So, me being a mindreader idiot..he decided it was a crime worth calling me a cunt and yelling at me about wasting fuel.

So i was, angry, and upset, so pulled over immediately and got out and lit up a fag. As i was puffing away, fuming, he climbed into the drivers' seat, and drove off.

Now, all kinds of thoughts went through my head. I had a small amount of money, no phone, no card, and i was an hours drive from home. And someone had driven off with my BF baby. Someone i didn't know would be sensible enough to come back. I calculated that it wouldn't be an hour before DS started wailing to be fed. I had a panic stricken thought that DP would try and give DS formula milk, which he wouldn't take, he won't take a bottle. Then i started to panic. I waited for 20 minutes..hoping..and then the need for the loo, and thoughts of phoning the police, came into my mind. Not because i thought DP would EVER intentionally harm DS, but because he was BF, and with no way of feeding him, what would DP do? If i stayed in the same place, waiting, he might not come back, as he left me in places before..and never came back. So i assumed he was gone-gone, and went to find a loo, some food and drink, and a phone. I didn't know anyone's number that could come and pick me up
I was going to go to the train station, hoping to throw myself on their mercy, and get as close to home as i could with the little money i had. So it then came down to a choice between food, (i was CLAMMED) and a train ticket home.
I went to the loo in tesco's, and came out to make my way to the train station. Then i saw DP in his car. He pulled up, got out, and instead of apologising (he looked totally panic stricken btw) he started yelling at me to get in the car. I just got in the back, grabbed DS, and walked away. DP jumped in the car and drove away. Then, he swung the car round in the middle of the road, mounting the path very fast, and stopped inches from me, where i had literally kicked DS's car seat to the side of the road between me and the guard railings for a crossing, because i thought DP was going to hit me in the car. He jumped out of the car, and stood in front of me threatening to smash my face in. So i stood my ground and waited for him to do it. He grabbed DS off me, said "If you don't get in the car NOW you will never see him again."
I replied.."We'll see when i phone the police, tell them you abducted my son, left his mum in the middle of nowhere, and took him knowing you couldn't feed him. All because i didn't know my way around and wanted a cigarette."
He got DS in the car while i walked away. Then he came running after me. He was very upset, and his face had completely lost what i call his 'war face' (from full metal jacket lol) and started saying, please get in the car, please. I don't want to leave you here. I'll take you home, then i'll leave, i promise. I just want to get you and DS safely home."

I said to him.."I have had enough of you, threatening me, shouting at me, i have put up with you cheating on me from day one i have been with you. You cheated on me twice while i was PG. I have had enough of you. Absolutely enough. I can't cope with you. I don't want to be with you, any more. Take me home, then leave. I have had enough - NUFF."

So i got in the car. We got just before the slip road for the motorway when i blurted out what i had long held in. All the hurt and upset about the cheating, lying, leaving me, instigating stupid arguments so he could leave and cheat on me..the emotional abuse, being put down, sworn at, shouted at, the fear, the pain..i told him the lot. And i know he was shocked, to hear it all, in one go, and from someone he obv. thought was over it. When i had finished i felt so emotionally drained, i burst into tears. Hot salty tears and big hiccupping breaths PROPER SOBBING..which i have NEVER done in front of anyone before. I was just so frustrated, so angry.

And part of it was for the fact that i knew he had irreparably damaged my love and trust for him. What kind of man does the things he has done to me?

He winds me up something rotten and when i finally snap and have a go back, he turns round and says 'You're always shouting/nagging'....and then i feel guilty.
The things i found endearing about him or forgiveable before i had DS are suddenly his WORST faults.

Oh, and two days later the SS turned up at my door to close the case for my youngest DS as they had 'no concerns'.... if only they knew. I was shitting myself as i thought maybe someone had reported what had happened to the police, and DP's car registration.

I thought she had come to take my baby

So, why am i writing this to you?
What advice would YOU give ME if i was your friend?

Because this will worsen flower and it will get to the point where you are left in the middle of the back of beyond with your DS and no money no phone..then you will need to maybe contact, say, the police, so you can get home, they will tell the social services.....and it will go belly up from there, trust me.
On the 'lighter' side, you will be frightened to go anywhere with him, frightened of saying the wrong thing. Somewhere along the line, the balance of power has shifted in your relationship, as it has in mine, first of all they are nice, then they do something a little shitty, to test, you don't respond, so they do shittier and shittier things... you know the cycle, and where i am going with this.

Get the balance back before he hurts you badly, or loses you your DS to a foster family, or both, or leave. Those are the only options. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

Jesus stercus

Hi HG

Yeah 'tis me with my nightmare DP again

Only difference is now we have gone n split ... he had helped me with the ironing (coming from someone who 'doesnt DO 'womens' work)
Been better with DS.
Realised he is a prick.
Shown more emotions.
Realised he has to OWN it (his shitty behaviour) and turn it around..
And..

Realised that its HIS behaviour over the years that has caused him so many problems, and its HIS job to put it right.

Still not allowed back yet though

I'm enjoying seeing if its an act and how long he can keep it up for.
I feel so so sorry for the OP and farmgirls how terrible, then remember they have suffered what i have....girls, we are not victims ok we are inspirational and all the more for putting up with, but then getting rid of xx

Stercus, reading that has actually made me cry, and I'm usually a cold hearted bitch.

Though am very pleased to hear that you've got him on a leash now

I hope it works out for you.

sososad I'm always happy to talk - what does CAT mean? I'm not actually from Yorks, I moved up here 7 years ago to be with him, actually it wasn't to 'be with him', we were talking online and he found out my address somehow (he's a computer whizz)then turned up on my doorstep one day, having driven the 300 miles(I lived in Wiltshire).

I don't know if I'm at the right stage for offering advice really, as I'm still embroiled in this myself. I should know better, I'm over 40! But I'm right at the last hurdle, I want to make it this last furlong otherwise I'll end up on the six o clock news for the wrong reasons

Hi

Namechanger. I spent 12 years with a "man" like that. The screeching verbal attacks in public, the vile behaviour that he never apologised for, drunkenness, cheating, occasional violence, gambling all his money, the ugly, ugly vicious look on his face when he was spitting venom at me because he had taken something innocent the wrong way, the way he would make a bad situation worse and enjoy it - pushing me and sneering when he had succeeded in upsetting me. A horrible, weak, spiteful, vicious, lowlife thug. Everything was always my fault because he was just too inadequate to deal with life.

And I wasted 12 years with him because, well I don't now why the fuck I did it. Lack of self esteem, not wanting to be alone, stubbornness, thinking that some miracle was going to happen that would make him see the error of his ways.

Of course he never did. We'd break up and get back together and next thing he'd be snarling at me for no reason and I am ashamed to admit that my child saw this. In the end he attacked me one night - serious violence and that was it. I called the police and he left. Even then I didn't stop seeing him - kept sleeping with him because I was scared of him and thought he might break into my house. I carried on until I could get out of that city and move to another. I never saw him again.

But my child is ruined, totally fucked up. And I bitterly, bitterly regret staying and staying and staying when I should have gone. I should have left him the first time he did something that was unacceptable to me.

The only good thing to have come out of it is that now I know I would never allow myself to be treated badly again and I truly appreciate the decent gentle kind man that I am with now.

Kindness is so fucking important. These pathetic bastards are just not capable of it. They never change, they were probably fucked up by their own parents.

I have never heard of one of these men seeing the error of his ways and turning into a decent human being. It just ain't gonna happen.

Yes...that ugly look...the one that chills you to the bone or stops you in your tracks, or mid sentence.

What i call DP's 'war face'

Which i now laugh at, and i have told him so, cos he looks like a cats arsehole.

I'm not scared of him any more.
He desperately wants to live with me, and our baby, so he has to live by the rules and not be an arse.
Knows where the door is if he don't like it.

I begged for advice on here. And i got it, some i didn't like cos it wasn't what i wanted to hear, but i read it and took it all the same. And bloody glad i did.
I got so much support it overwhelmed me.
Glad to see the OP is getting the same.

Should have said: wasn't what i wanted to hear
but what i NEEDED to hear

wow Stercus that is a stirring story! you're one brave lady, not sure I woulda dared get back int car with him but then I think my ex just had a thing for in-car punch-ups. Doesn't it feel so much better once you let all that hurt out! I couldn't do it to my ex, he was too much of a 'victim' of his own personal tragedies (and me of course) to have listened, but eeking out the whole long history of mistreatment, between various friends (I still don't want to lump it All onto just one poor other person), and on here, has really helped me get over it and start looking forward and outward (which is what abuse stops you from doing). As for OP, I am shocked and appalled by what has happened to you, and shocked and really worried that you seem fairly normalised about what has happened and by your attitude about letting things lie to keep the peace, although I do understand- I was also scared about friends, family finding out for a long time. But even if you are embarassed and it feels wrong ie with neighbours you hardly know, it is good that others know, so that you can get all the support and understanding you need, now or whenever you're ready for it. I involved the police and that did alert SS, but all they wanted to know was that I wasn't going to go back to him. Good luck.

Stercus . You are right, we could both be the same person.

"If you don't shut your fucking mouth i will smack it up for you" he said. "I'll knock you the fuck out. Find your own way home"

Word for word this is something I so often hear. And yes, apparently I too nag too much which "makes him angry" You have been so amazingly brave in getting him out of your home. Your last few paragraphs are not easy to hear but nevertheless are the truth and I am grateful to you for that. I need to leave this house rather than make him leave because I simply can't afford this house on my own and need to be closer to uni, so it will take a bit longer than overnight but I hope and pray I am strong enough to do this. Reading your post reminds me of another time that he did something like this too. We had just moved house and he would not allow me to clean the previous house properly as he wanted to leave as soon as the furniture was gone. On the journey to the new house I was talking about the fact that I don't like leaving houses not clean and what would the new people think of us. I am a bit anal about cleanliness and always think you should leave places the way you would want to find them. Again I was "doing his head in" and it resulted in him doing the same thing and slinging me out of the car and screaming at me by the side of the road while I sobbed and sobbed at how nasty he was being. All he could say was "stop f&cking grizzling" and never apologised then either. Worse of all his brother was in the car and did nothing. His brother now has a lovely gf and from talking to her, bil has exactly the same problem and treats her the same way. Luckily they don't have kids. So Majentas point about people being f*cked up by their own parents is probably true. How can two brothers be the same unless genes or upbringing have something to do with it? Oh and if I cry it makes DP more angry, like I am doing it on purpose to annoy him. I feel sick at the amount of times Ds has brought me a tissue and on the way home on Sunday my lovely DS was telling me jokes to try to cheer me up. I am crying again now at the thought of DS seeing all this and how lovely he is, he doesn't deserve this at all.

Majenta I am so glad you have found happiness now with someone else but I am so so sorry your child has been so affected. How old are they now? I hope its not too late for DS and I worry about this all day every day.

Farmgirls - I am not from Yorks either and am also from down that way. It isolates you being away from home doesn't it? CAT means contact another talker so you can talk offline via email. I know I am not one for doling out advice seeing as I am involved with someone like this, but please get the police round when you are moving his stuff and going home. You can do this and then you can make your way without the threat of him harming you. Would you be going back to the same address in Wilts?

Xenia and Debra - again you both seem so strong. Did you both have good support networks when you finally decided enough was enough? I beleive if I had lots of people around me then I would find this a lot easier. Thinking about it my neighbour probably does know. There is usually little physical stuff but the verbal abuse if almost every day. Funnily enough I am always asking DP to keep it down so the neighbours don't hear and he always says he doesn't give a f*ck if they hear or not. This may be his downfall if they can be counted as witnesses in a custody battle. It was only the other day the DW next dor said that she slept on the sofa the night before so we wouldn't be kept awake by her coughing in the room next door (our beds are on the same wall). If she thinks the walls are so thin that we can hear her coughing then she literally must have heard everything over the past couple of years. I do feel very embarrassed if she has because the scenes between DP and I are so ugly and I am actually someone who likes a quiet life. I don't want to be someone elses nightmare noisy neighbour but thanks to DP we probably are.

So today is another day. DP is again asleep on the sofa. He cooked dinner last night and we barely spoke. I am simmering with resentment and anger for the way he has treated me. I can't do anything until after the hols because of the school situation for DS so I am going to spend as much time out of the house as possible. DS had friends over to play again yesterday and rather than asking DP to take them home I walked them home then came back via the playground - anything to stay out as long as possible. The atmosphere here is tense and cold and I still feel numb and worn down by everything.

Sorry if this has been garbled. I have been typing quickly to make sure DP doesn't catch me typing this. Thanks you all for all your words of support. Some of the advice has been hard to stomach but I know what you are all saying is true and I need to hear it so tthank you

I think your neighbour is offering support in a roundabout way.

She has made it clear (whilst trying not to offend you) that if you can hear her then she can hear you and knows your situation.

That is exactly what I would have done, and perhaps she wants to help....??

Thanks. He had to listen, he was 'trapped' in the car lol.

He honestly did not know what to do at that point. He just quietly put his hand on my leg. And looked VERY sorry. Pointless really, after you have pissed off the most patient person in the world and frightened her for her baby..half to death.

After that was when i decided to call it a day.
He asked for it to be a break so he could prove he was able to change. The next day he did come and cuddle me and say he was sorry for everything and that he didn't want to be seperate from me and the baby. To this day i still have his car, which he fuels up so i can use it, ironed, cooked, we had DSC's over and he did EVERYTHING for them, after i told him i was angry at him for washing DSD's hair in cold water.
Of course he looks longingly at the xbox but there's a hammer in the toolbox in the kitchen and i'm willing to use it

I hoped the OP would read mine and farmgirls stories and also some of the others, and then she can decide what she wants to do..its not easy, and i wouldn't sit there going 'leave him' which of course is THE best option, these pricks don't accept their behaviour is wrong until no one puts up with it any more and THEN they find the willing from somewhere to change.
Surprising, that.

It is possible for them to change i suppose, but for it to be permanent, it has to be something life-changing.

I vote getting them all, and giving them major frights.. to within an inch of their lives, so they realise what their bad behaviour gets them.

Until then, it takes one very brave, or saft, or a bit of both, woman who decides they have had enough and bites back.

Whatever the OP decides i wish her the best of luck.
She's going to need it.

It obv a power thing then, chucking you out of the car and leaving you to walk home. Ususally when you have no money.. i have to admit even now i am frightened to go anywhere with DP in case he does it again, i wouldn't show that i was afraid..it makes me angry though, as pissed off as i could get i would NEVER drive off and leave him with no money or phone, worried about how to get home.
Maybe i should

Only, .... i couldn't even consider bringing myself to do such a thing ....

And yes, their parents DO fuck them up.

DP's dad is coming tonight, is the first time he has come to mine to visit, and DP is fussing about the house being clean

IMO..if they don't like it, they can help, or leave.
You don't visit to inspect and report back to various relatives on the state of someones home, you go to visit THEM.

His mother used to be impatient and critical. His dad is a snidey criticiser..he moans about you to other people.
I can't fucking stand people like that.
My mum comes here and moans about everything. Surprised she don't get the white gloves out ffs.
I just roll my eyes and tell her she can always wipe her feet on the way out.

I know what it is to have a critical and emotionally unavailable parent. I know what it feels like to feel unloved and unvalued by a parent/s...so i think this is the only reason i have stuck him out. Because, he is ME until i had my kids and needed to grow up fast to prevent making the same mistakes.

In the end though, for both you and me, there is an important decision to be made. Our kids didn't choose their fathers. We did. And we are responsible for taking care of them and making sure they are safe and happy.
If this means making the difficult decision to cut loose an abusive P, to ensure the long term wellbeing of us and our DC's, even if the DC's will be upset as a result, maybe missing their father being there all the time, ect, then it is what has to be done.
Its a shame your P cannot see this, i am hoping beyond all hope that my DP has realised it. He's been told often enough.

If it becomes obvious he hasn't, he's gone, because i intend to bring up my DS to love and respect his woman and his children and his extended family. That i cannot achieve with a rotten role model.
No one can.

Right up till we split I would never leave the house without my own set of keys, bank card and cash if I was going anywhere with ex. Couldn't trust him not to start a fight and then walk off leaving me stranded. I hadn't really thought about how odd that is until reading these posts. What a fundamental lack of trust in the person who is supposed to be your partner in life.

Even though we have split though, I am not really free of him and probably never will be. He refuses to accept that it is really over. Has given up drinking - can't give up the snidey comments though. The hardest thing is emotionally disengaging, only when that has happened is it possible to move on properly even when you are still have to see them because of dc etc.

its horrible isn't it? the way people change - and not always for the better! after 13yrs - and a child, and he's turned into a monster. seriously though, he is assaulting you physically and emotionally. that is not something to be put up with. it is hard to walk away, it may even seem dangerous to do, but think about your son. he will grow into that if he stays around it, however much influence you have. go to your LA or CAB and talk to someone especially re: separation, housing, finances etc. as he has assaulted, and your child has witnesses this, it is doubtful that any family judge hearing that would give him full custody. he may try and charm them, but if you have told the authorities of his violence (am thinking police, and know that that might seem drastic) then he won't have a leg to stand on. this is only going to get worse physically for you. you have been through a lot, and it has taken courage to talk about the sexual abuse and now its going to take courage to face the physical abuse you are experiencing. you are a fighter, not only for yourself but for your son. if he isn't beating you - it might be your child, or it might be the next girlfriend he has, he deserves to be brought to justice.

keep strong.xx

My H was controlling, jealous and possessive with me for a long time. But of course in between times he was very charming and that's what kept me there.

I am sad to say that when our DS was about 14, H started to bully him too. Nothing DS did was good enough. If he got some Grade A's in his school report and some B's and C's that wasn't enough - it should have been straight A's throughout.

His friends weren't suitble, his behaviour was terrible (normal for ateenager in my opinion) he was a manipulative, drug-abusing little fuck molly coddled by his mother acoording to H.

One day over Christmas 2007, I got up in the morning to get DS up for his part-time job. He was 16 and I found him collapsed on the floor surrounded by packets of H's prescription drugs. Can you imagine how I felt? My baby potentially dead on the floor of an overdose.

Luckily he had vomitted most of it and I sepent 3 days and nights with him in the hospital. He was seen by mental health team and from that day hs never said what was the cause. There was no girl on the scene, he had reasonable prospects.

Could it have been due to never being able to do enough to win H's approval and also failing to reach his very high standards no matter how he tried?

I'll never know. DS will rarely talk about H but on a few occasions says he feels bullied. H has also threatened to punch him on several occasions.

Luckily I have left now in the last couple of weeks, but only time will tell what impact the four years of me sitting by and watching H bully my child will have on him.

Don't let this happen to you and your lovely 7 year old Sososad. Good luck.

god stercus and others, I am shattered by your posts.

And I so, so admire you for turning this around.

You are fantastic women and ssd, you will get there in the end too.