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Original poster

My ex-p has moved to New Zealand and gave me and the kids 2 hours notice.....

104 replies

curvychick · 26/03/2009 10:50

This is the 1st time i have started my own thread on here, so please be gentle. I'm not really too sure why i am posting this other than i feel so confused and upset for my boys i thought that putting it down i writing might help me to unmuddle my thoughts.....

Well i guess the title says it all really. My ex arrived here at 3 o clock yesterday to tell me and our youngest son (who's 3), that he was leaving to catch a plane to New Zealand at 5 o clock. No forewarning nothing. He said its my fault for pursueing a claim through the csa......My 3 year old didnt really understand and thinks his daddy has gone to Marks and Spencer on a plane! DS1 who is 6 is totally distraught though. He had dyspraxia with some Aspergers personality traits and doesnt take suprises, good or bad ones, very well at all. He just sat there crying quietly to himself when i had to go and get him from school and tell him what was happening. They both had a cuddle with their dad at home, before he unloaded all of the toys they kept at his house from the car, and he sloped off quietly while they were playing with all if their toys.... Ds1 cried himself to sleep because he wanted to give his daddy a cuddle. I didnt know what to say as i dont know if/when he is coming back and even if he is where he says he is.....

He has always been a selfish selfish man and has let me and the kids down countless times, but this is spectactular even for him. I ahte him so much for what he has done to the boys and for leaving me to deal with the tears and heartache while he is off living the life of riley halfway around the world, and i hate him for being such a weak and pathetic coward for leaving it to the last minute, to spare his own feelings and making it much worse for everyone else.

All of his family and friends knew he was going and not one person thought to let us know. I feel so gutteed for my little boys. I know that probably in the long run him going is for the best as he wont be able to hurt them or let them down anymore. I feel like a terrible mother for making bad decisions and letting him behave so badly for so long, when i should have told him to get stuffed years ago when the boys were younger and too little to understand. I just couldnt bare to give him the green light to walk away without a backwards glance, when really it was probably the best thing i could have done. I thought, that any kind of functinal relationship with their dad would be better than none at all.

My new dp is great with the boys, but he doesnt understand why i am so upset when all ex-p ever brought us was grief and tears. I cant help but feel so sad for the kids and so bitterly hurt and disappointed by my ex-p and the way he has gone about all of this.

I'm sorry for the spelling mistakes and if it doesnt make much sense. I just needed to vent.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2009 10:55

Oh you poor love...what a hideously selfish man. I hope you and your family will be better off eventually, I'm so sorry that he has put your little boys through this

Twat of the week on MN, definitely.

paranoidmother · 26/03/2009 10:56

Sending big hugs to you.

I can see where you are coming from with being upset it's more for your kids than yourself. I imagine you thought he couldn't be any more selfish and then he's done this. It does sound as if you are better off without him.

Has he left any contact details? Perhaps you could tell the kids he has gone away like on a long holiday and they could send him postcards to say what they are doing. Ease the seperation for a while. Good luck

WowOoo · 26/03/2009 10:57

Oh! How horrible. What a twat he is.

ggglimpopo · 26/03/2009 10:58

My exh moved to Portugal and has not seen his children in coming up to 9 years;

I don't know if it will help, but I explained it to my younger son as this.....

'Imagine if someone had a puppy and they played with the puppy all the time and bought the puppy games and lots of lovely food. Then one day they started playing less with the puppy and they bought less food, and then less and less, until they stopped coming to play with the puppy or buying food. The puppy was very sad and someone who loved the puppy saw that the puppy was sad and said 'I am going to look after the puppy and play with the puppy and buy lovely food and never stop doing that because I think that when you have a puppy you should always look after it". And so they did and the puppy always had people who looked after him and loved him and played with him and he grew up to be a lovely dog and very happy.

It is very simplistic but it worked - we had a talk whether it was the "fault" of the puppy that the person had stopped coming and we decided that no, it was the person who was responsible, not the puppy.

Focussing on someone or something else and explaining behaviour and talking about feelings like this, did help to work it through.

They are fucking selfish sods, are they not?

TheOldestCat · 26/03/2009 10:58

Good lord. That beggars belief. You poor thing; I'm not surprised you feel so upset for your boys. Rest assured, you are NOT a bad mother - you've tried your best and your ex has acted like a prize selfish idiot.

I second BoF's twat of the week award.

Niftyblue · 26/03/2009 10:59

(((((hugs))))))
What a wanker

Is it for good thats hes going?
Can you not contact his parents and ask what the hell is going on
And tell them about the DC and how they have reacted

Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:06

Thank you so much for your kind words, i am sat here in tears, which i am trying to stop, but they just keep coming. (I doesnt help that i am 5 months pregnant either i guess )

He left without leaving any contact details other than that he would be in New Zealand, no phone number nothing. I feel like ringing or emailing his horrible mother and father and telling them exactly what i think of them and their delightful son, and how much better off my lovely boys will be without him or them in thier lives.....

I know why he wouldnt leave his contact details....so he wouldnt have to pay maintenance. Spoke to the csa this morning though, as they were previously taking the childsupport directly from his wages, and they said we could hunt him down through the international courts which i am more than tempted to do, but dont know whether to just forget it and move on and concentrate on our existing lovely family and forget the selfish ex twat all together.

OP posts:
megcleary · 26/03/2009 11:09

New Zeland not that easy to get into i think is he reallythere or just being and even bigger lying bastard

Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:14

Megcleary, thats what i thought too...apparently he won a scholarship to do his doctorate out there, so i thought with it being astudent visa he might have bypassed the usual rules. His horrible mother lives in Spain though so i wouldnt be suprised he he has done a runner back to mummy.

GGG, that is a great way of trying to explain things, and think i might use that scenario to open up a discussion about things, when i can hold it togther for long enough to be the sesible grown up in the conversation

OP posts:
Thefearlessfreak · 26/03/2009 11:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:38

He does have cousins and his brother in NZ, but the last i knew his moher was still in Spain, although she has only ever seen her grandkids once in their whole lives......I hope the radio show host told this bloke what a spinless pathetic excuse for a human being he was being........ Wouldnt be suprised if he had rung a radio show, would be justy his style for the whole of the uk to know before he has the decency to let me or his kids know.....

sorry for the rant....

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2009 11:39

That would make him even more of an arsehole

I am making Twat Of The Week an official award, with it's own thread and everything...curvy, your ex is a shoe-in for this week!

Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:43

Well he would definately get my vote that's for sure. Its beyond belief that someone could treat their own children with such disregard......

Do any of you think it would be inappropriate for me to contact his parents and let them know how he has trated his sons, or should i just leave it and move on?

OP posts:
megcleary · 26/03/2009 11:46

tell em whos's it going to hurt rubs their face in what a moron they have raised

Thefearlessfreak · 26/03/2009 11:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

MoanyLisa · 26/03/2009 11:47

I have only just seen this after BOF linked to it- I have voted for him! I'm so sorry, but you will be better off without him, he really sounds like a scummy human being. I would ignore his patents though- by the sound of it they already know, and he must have learned his attitude from somewhere

Lizzylou · 26/03/2009 11:50

Curvychick, he certainly gets my vote for twat of the year tbh.

Your poor boys , I love GGG's Puppy story to help them understand. That must have been heartbreaking for you to see.

Thank goodness they have you, what a pathetic spineless shit he is.

I would (personally) pursue him through the international courts, not let him run off and do what he likes, just to make him feel unsettled and disrupt him.

Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:50

Moany, yes he learnt from 2 of the best unfortunatly

OP posts:
Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:53

Lizzylou, this is what i am feeling inclined to do, but just don't know if i have the'fight' in me. I guess when the sadness fades the anger will kick in though so i should probably put it to good use and ensure he supports the kids financially at the very least.

OP posts:
edam · 26/03/2009 11:56

Shit, what a terrible thing to do to your own children. Poor you.

I do like GGG's story.

In the long run, you are all probably better off without him, but it must be agony right now.

In your shoes, I wouldn't be able to resist contacting his family and telling them, coldly, that he turned up with no notice to announce to the children that he was fucking off within two hours and would never see them again, and that the boys are distraught.

edam · 26/03/2009 11:56

(Oh, and if you do pursue him, make sure the CSA have his mother's details...)

Lizzylou · 26/03/2009 11:57

Gosh yes, you should, hunt the bastard down.

I would send an email to his parents, not phone, just calmly letting them know how their son has hurt his sons.

I am really angry about this and not even involved, as a Mother of two boys if either of my sons ever acted this way I would be mortified, likewise if someone hurt them like this I would want to rip their head off.

Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 11:58

BoF, where about can i find this thread for twat of the week? would love to have a look and if he wins, i'd take great delight in sending him the link

OP posts:
Original poster
curvychick · 26/03/2009 12:03

I feel that because he told me when ds2 was around i had to keep it as calm as possible and not cause him anymore upset that necessary, but it has made me so mad, because i feel that the ex twat has robbed me of my chance to tell him why i am so hurt, angry and disgusted with his behaviour.

When i have had a chance to calm down and the pain isn't so raw for the kids, i'm sure the relief that has is finally out of our lilves will take over. Who know's, maybe him buggering off will be the most decent thing he has ever done for his sons.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2009 12:04

It should be in Active Convos under "other subjects"- it takes an age for me to type links on my phone as I can't cut and paste, but you should see it...link it from here if you can, and we'll get him the lovely prize! Some people think the thread's a bad idea because of stalkers, but we don't have to worry about that in this case, so let's get some votes on there even if we have to discontinue it as a weekly thing. Come on folks, let's give him a virtual kick in the balls!