My ex-p has moved to New Zealand and gave me and the kids 2 hours notice.....

[curvychick]

This is the 1st time i have started my own thread on here, so please be gentle. I'm not really too sure why i am posting this other than i feel so confused and upset for my boys i thought that putting it down i writing might help me to unmuddle my thoughts.....

Well i guess the title says it all really. My ex arrived here at 3 o clock yesterday to tell me and our youngest son (who's 3), that he was leaving to catch a plane to New Zealand at 5 o clock. No forewarning nothing. He said its my fault for pursueing a claim through the csa......My 3 year old didnt really understand and thinks his daddy has gone to Marks and Spencer on a plane! DS1 who is 6 is totally distraught though. He had dyspraxia with some Aspergers personality traits and doesnt take suprises, good or bad ones, very well at all. He just sat there crying quietly to himself when i had to go and get him from school and tell him what was happening. They both had a cuddle with their dad at home, before he unloaded all of the toys they kept at his house from the car, and he sloped off quietly while they were playing with all if their toys.... Ds1 cried himself to sleep because he wanted to give his daddy a cuddle. I didnt know what to say as i dont know if/when he is coming back and even if he is where he says he is.....

He has always been a selfish selfish man and has let me and the kids down countless times, but this is spectactular even for him. I ahte him so much for what he has done to the boys and for leaving me to deal with the tears and heartache while he is off living the life of riley halfway around the world, and i hate him for being such a weak and pathetic coward for leaving it to the last minute, to spare his own feelings and making it much worse for everyone else.

All of his family and friends knew he was going and not one person thought to let us know. I feel so gutteed for my little boys. I know that probably in the long run him going is for the best as he wont be able to hurt them or let them down anymore. I feel like a terrible mother for making bad decisions and letting him behave so badly for so long, when i should have told him to get stuffed years ago when the boys were younger and too little to understand. I just couldnt bare to give him the green light to walk away without a backwards glance, when really it was probably the best thing i could have done. I thought, that any kind of functinal relationship with their dad would be better than none at all.

My new dp is great with the boys, but he doesnt understand why i am so upset when all ex-p ever brought us was grief and tears. I cant help but feel so sad for the kids and so bitterly hurt and disappointed by my ex-p and the way he has gone about all of this.

I'm sorry for the spelling mistakes and if it doesnt make much sense. I just needed to vent.

Thanks for reading.

the man is a prize fuckwit. you and your boys are far better off without him.

What a bastard. Your poor boys.

We will find him. The Power of MN!

ditto slug, we live in NZ and pay child support for a ss who no longer lives here, NZ does have a reciprocal arrangement with many countries, including the UK I believe.

As has already been said there are very few Uni's and doing a doctorate it will be easy to track him down via their websites (I contract for one and students are usually listed on their website under speciality) alternatively he seems a bit arrogant so he'll probably list in the phone directory here

yellow.co.nz/whitepages/

For what it's worth I would also send a very civil but to the point email to his mother. She is bound to repeat it if not forward it. He needs to know the effect it has had on his children. At the end of the day though they are (hard as it is for them now) better off without him.

Good luck. I don't normally post on child support threads but somebody who does this to their children is a complete a* hole!

There is a gang of us MNers here in NZ. Anything we can do to help then please ask. There is usually a thread going in the 'living overseas' topic so just gatecrash and say if there's anything we can do to help!

MumsNetters of the world unite and all that.

Good luck.

I am in NZ AND I am a musician
so if you need my help, let me know. I am in Christchurch; Vic is the most likely but he could also be here. he will def be googleable if it's all true

The sneaky, lying, spineless TWAT

Sorry no advice at all but how horrible Your new dp sounds great and hopefully with time it will get easier for the boys.

Ladies, i am overwhelmed by the support and encouragment you have offered, thank you

DS1 has awoken this morning with a bit of a temp and generally under the weather, so we've decided to have a 'duvet day' Off to the shops in a bit for Calpol, some fizzy drinks, chocs and dvd's and then home to the sofa and copious amounts of tlc to be prescribed!

StewieGriffinsmum, thank you for your advice, and i will certainly track down the details of my local mp (have no idea who it is at the moment ) The guy i spoke to yesterday at the CSA was absolutely appalled when i explained to him what had happened, has sent me a load of info in the post and given me his direct line number so i have a point of contact there, very kind, and very organised (quite unlike the csa in general tbh!)

Jenbot, i like your idea of finding the uni and emailing his head of department.....i'm not sure if i am brave enough to do it though. I know he has been a total and utter disgrace and would love nothing more than to hurt him and ruin his new life, but, it is a very low thing to do and i am not sure i want to stoop to his level.....watch this space though, i may decide i dont give a frig lol

Notplayinanyumore, I have decided that i will have no personal contact with him. He set the boys up with an email account though and i dont feel that i can stop them checking in there and keeping in touch if that is what they want. I feel fairly confident that the novelty will wear off fairly shorly, for both the boys and the ex-p, so while i wont discourage contact, i wont be encouraging it either. I am hoping that he will just drift from their memories over time, which would be good as he wont be able to hurt or let them down then. He told ds1 that he would be back in September for a visit [hmmm] and if he lets them down then, i will be in contact with him to tell him to stay away from us for good. I dont know, maybe i should tell him to get stuffed now, but ds1 keeps saying about when Dad comes to visit, and i dont want to be the bad guy in all this. I also hope that ex-p will prove my gut instincts wrong, but i know really that that is just wishful thinking There will be lots going on for the boys between now and then though, a new baby sister, summer holidays and starting at new schools so with all the other excitement happening maybe i can try to detract from the daddy visit, just in case he doesnt keep to his word.......

Brokenflipflop, my dp is great but he does struggle to understand why i have shed so many tears over this.....and to be honest i have suprised myself with how much i have cried too! The pregnancy hormones certainly dont help thats for sure, but it the childrens pain that is what is upsetting me the most. I'm sure i'm not alone in saying this, but when someone hurts your child, it hurts so much more than if it was your own pain, and for that pain to have been inflicted by someone who is supposed to love them more than anyone elase in the world, well it is just heartbreakingly terrible.....especially when you know that there is absolutely nothing thatyou can do to ease that pain.......have actually put that quite concisely, so will refer dp to it later as a summary of my recent tear splattered rambleings lol

Thank you for the offers of trying to track him down all of you lovely NZ mumsnetters, i will leave him a couple of weeks to start his papertrail and then, let the hunt commence!

I thank you all again for you kindness and support, Mumsnet is FAB

curvychick, I read all your thread but not posted as I have no particular advice.

BUT, my sister had problems with her ex p, and he was always late with his payments. Then he just stopped, pretty much out of malice, and he moved to a different part of the country teaching biology at a secondary school. My sister knew what school, told the csa ( I am overseas) what school he worked at.

Here the CSA has power to conctact employers in circumstances such as this, and deduct owed maintenance STRAIGHT from salary. My ex bil had not anticipated that his employer would be involved and was really embarrased. Management at the school DID talk, and word DID get around to the other teachers, who in turn shunned him. He left that job because he felt like an outcast, and lost the friends he had made.

I think my sister did the rigth thing. How can a person behave so abominably, and get away with it. I would involve the departmenthead, somehow. evil and good luck

Do you know what - out of such a terrible story, this thread has actually made me really happy that I almost just cried reading your last post curvychick. Isn't it lovely that such a large amount of people that you don't know come together and offer such lovely support. Would be lovely if more people out there were like this. I agree mumsnet IS fab .

curvy - I should probably have said you ought to rise above it and get your revenge by living a happy life , but I'm evidently not grown up enough.

Good luck with your pregnancy by the way

Curvy - I had a feeling when I wrote that post that I shouldn't be premature in wishing you congratulations that you've been set free because often, the worst is yet to come.
How could you ever turn out to be the bad guy after what he's done?
Don't buy into his shit!

Personally, if my XP told my DS, rather than myself, that he'd be back in September to visit, just expecting you all you to drop everything at the beginning of the school year, to feel excited and honoured (in the case of the DCs) or obliged and grateful (in your case) that he'd come all that way, my blood would be boiling

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see why you should immediately give him a another chance to let you down all again, nor do I see why you should have to worry for the next 6 months about whether he's going to turn up at all and then also deal with the fall out if he doesn't. I do understand your reasoning, but only because he's got you exactly where he wants you.
I'd be telling him to apply for access and just weather it with the DCs because he obviously doesn't think twice about letting them down, but the consequences of letting a court down are quite different.

The e-mail contact with them is a good idea but also that, at their ages - or rather, with his broken promises - it needs to be well supervised. Be wary of XP contacting you through them instead and using them as piggy in the middle.

Sorry if this post seems harsh but the anger in it isn't directed at you - I'm just still absolutely fuming for you as I think we all are!
I do hope that, what with the amount of events happening in the meantime, any stress of a visit or a cancellation, as the case may be, will pale into significance...

Jenbot, i didnt mean my last post to come across as being rude or condescending, apologies if that was how it sounded. Have been mulling things over today and think that i probably will email the university dean and his department head when i know that i have his contact details and the ball is already rolling in the maintenence side of things, dont want the bugger to have any kind of warning and move houses etc etc I think if i dont do it, my Dad will do it anyway He is hopping mad to say the least!

Notplayinganymore, you have given me some food for thought there, and you are very right that the next 6 months will be spent with me fretting about if he will turn up and if he does, the dealing with the fallout when he goes again. I think, well hope, that in 6 months time, things will be alot more settled and Daddy being gone, will be normality for them. Ex-p drastically cut contact with the kids when i met my new partner, and for the last year, has only seen them 1 weekend a month....he never even bothered to ring between visits....The boys were upset at first but it became normal for them in the end, and ironically ds1 spent the end of last year hating his visits to dads, it has only been the last couple that he has enjoyed. Possibly because ex-p knew he was off and was making a bit more of an effort to ease his guilt I will speak to dp and see what he thinks about the visit too, but i must say that with the upheaval of starting a new school (ds1 doeasnt handle changes too well due to the aspergers traits), it could just be too much for his little head to take in....god knows i cant fathom his father so i dread to think what must go around in his head

And with the emails, i need to log in so will always be seeing any mail before the kids do and will screen as i see necessary! Am wise to him using the kids as piggy in the middle as he has been utterly shamless in that regard before SUPRISE SUPRISE!

And lastly, there is absolutely no need to apologise at all! One of the things i love about mumsnet so much is the honesty that being annonymous allows you, and like i said before, you have raised some very valid points and have given me food for thought

SGmom, i hope i have found a diamond in the rough at the csa too...and if not, i have his direct line now so he wont be able to escape me lol

Oh no I didn't take it that way! Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as annoyed with you if I did. Darn internet, easy to say things in the wrong way!

I knew my suggestion was a bit mean and petty, but I think he deserves it anyway (waves flaming torch and pitchfork)! Upsetting his own boys like that, and you when you're pregnant.

Hi all, thought i'd come back on and update you and also ask for some more good old straight talking mumsnet advice

Well since i last posted on Friday, the boys paternal grandfather contacted me by text to ask if he could still see the boys....i ahve to say that he recieved a rather curt reply, in which i told him that he and his son had abused the love and trust that my sons had for them and that being a grandfather/father was a privilege and not a right, a privilege that they had both abused...... I thought that that might have been enough to make him back off but he came back to me saying how he didnt make decisions for ex-p, as my parents didnt make my decisions for me, and that the boys and i had his heartfelt thoughts at this difficult time......[angy] I left it until the next day to reply to be sure i wasnt going to say anything in haste that i regretted, at which time my reply read
"To be honest, i am pregnant and have 3 young children to take care of and cant really be bothered to enter into a discussion about all of this....No matter how you try to justify yours and ex-p's behaviour, neither of you can say that you have acted with the childrens best interests at heart. With regard to parents making decisions for thier children, you are right, mine dont make mine for me, as i wont make the boys for them when they are older. However, my parents bought me up in such a way, that abandoning my children and walking away from my responsibilities would not even be an option. At this time while we are dealing with the fallout, i ffl that the boys need continuity and stability, and as they have never had frequent contact with you, i dont feel that they will be missing out if i tell you that i think it is best if you stay away for now and give us some space to come to terms with these life changing events that have been forced upon us. If the boys should decide they want to contact you, i will not stop them doing so" He hasnt replied has has obviously got the message!

Also it transpires after the lady at the csa let slip this morning, the ex-toad, isn't in NZ...she wouldnt tell me where he was or the address, but she said it is abroad, so i am putting money on the fact that he ahs slinked off to spain to be with Mummy out there. I am just livid at the sheer volume of BS he has fed the boys and me, and have an appointment to see a solicitor on Monday to discuss everything. I have decided that it will be best for the boys to have no more contact with their dad, as the constant let downs, lies and tears are just heartbreaking, for them and for me.....I am just terrified about whether it is the right thing to do though, if any of you have decided to stop contact with your childrens dad, hoew did you go about it? What did you say to the kids, and most importantly, do the kids resent you for saying enough is enough? I know only i can make the decision, but how do you know when to draw the line and decide that this IS going to be the last time that he can hurt and upset us again.......

I'm sorryt his is so epicly long

Consistency is really important for children, and I think it's reasonable for your ex to either have regular contact or no contact - and that he can't chop and change between the two. I think you need to offer your ex reasonable access which he needs to agree to, with the proviso that if he doesn't stick to it, then you will withdraw access.

Re your DSs' grandfather - without knowing the history, it sounds a bit harsh that you're not willing to give him contact. I think contact with grandparents is really important for children, and more so if they are not going to get good access with their father. It will give your sons someone they can talk about their father with, and help them with their identity and who they are. Is there no way you could accommodate that - grandparents can be great at taking DCs out and giving you a bit of a break!

HI cosette, i should probably have put that ds's grandfather lives a 3 hour drive away and has only ever really seen them around Xmas and maybe one or two other times a year. He is very emotionally manipulative too, and if my ex hadnt been the one involved with maintaining contact between him and ds's i certainly wouldn't have been pushing for it. He is very sarcastic and mean tbh and tries to joke it off as humour, but i find him rude and offensive and ds1, due to the aspergers, just doesnt understand him........

My ex-p, has had every opportunity to step up to the mark and have contact with the kids, in fact i even saw a solicitor a couple of years ago to try and set down some ground rules, but he just does what he wants when he wants to do it unfortunately. He set the boys up with an email address, which my son has emailed him on every day, and he has replied once....he also promised to call them, and he hasnt done that either. I am so fed up of him letting the kids down and me having to pick up the pieces again and again and again. The fact that he concocted this massive cock and bull story to tell them too, just makes me despise him....all because he wanted to avoid £260 per month maintenance through the csa. You'd think thta to spend £260 per month to have a decent relationship with your kids would be money well spent?

yes you would, and it sounds like you've done all you can, in which case I think it would be reasonable to say no contact, and then if he's concerned he can try through the courts - but it doesn't sound like he will.

From the DC's perspective I think it's important that you are happy in your own mind that you weren't obstructive, and that you gave him every opportunity to have regular access. They will ask you in the future, and you will need to be consistent and fair in how you respond. I think you're doing the right thing - it's not fair on them to be constantly disappointed.

Re the grandparent - doesn't sound promising either!

You ahve done the right thing.. your children are lucky to have you. Big hug xxx

I've said this on threads before, but you can find out the sender's IP address on most email programmes (on Hotmail just right-click the message and select 'view source' - the sender IP is on the 5th line following 'Received:"). Once you've got this number, just Google 'IP trace' and you can find out the city and country it was sent from. Really handy for stuff like this.

Good luck with everything, your ex sounds like a prize twat.

thank you for the reassurances, the reason i have let him repeatedly beat me with the olive branch (so to speak), on so many occassions is because i wanted to be the bigger person in this whole mess and try to do right by the kids, but i have had it with the tears and upset and enough is enough now. Since making the decision, i feel like the weight of the world has lifted from my shoulders and knowing that the only future contact will be via a solicitor, well, pure relief tbh

Off to google his IP address now, thank you so much gagamama, will report back on the toads location in due course!

Ok am thoroughly confused now....the only ip address i can see is indeed five lines down but cant see anything that says recieved on that line or anywhere tbh amongst the gobbledegook on there! It is a message via hotmail but it has located the ip address to Norwalk, Conneticut in the US, so is that actually where the email has been sent from or just where it has gone back through via hotmail or am i looking at the wrong thing altogether.....not too good at this computer stuff if you hadnt guessed lol

Hmm, right, ok. Hang on. (I'm not an IT person either so let me check with an email in my inbox from someone I know the location of!)

Right, so, you will see the following 'headers' with loads of gobbledeegook after them. I was wrong about the 'received' thing, that just gives you Hotmail's IP. Doh!

X-Message-Delivery:
X-Message-Status:
X-SID-PRA:
X-SID-Result:
X-Message-Info:
Received:
Received:
X-Originating-IP:

You want the aptly named X-Originating-IP. It should be 10 lines down.

Try that one! Sorry for getting your hopes up before.

Ok, got dp to do the honours as i am totally useless at that kind of thing....what i couldnt do in 2 hours he did in about 30 seconds! Well, thanks to gagamamas ingenious idea, i have tracked him down...not in NZ, not in spain but in Australia at the University of Sydney........Thinking he is so clever and a string of little numbers have outed him-HA!

Ah, well done to your DP!

As for your ex.... words fail me. I'm glad you could get to the bottom of his whereabouts though. Good luck x