My ex-p has moved to New Zealand and gave me and the kids 2 hours notice.....

[curvychick]

This is the 1st time i have started my own thread on here, so please be gentle. I'm not really too sure why i am posting this other than i feel so confused and upset for my boys i thought that putting it down i writing might help me to unmuddle my thoughts.....

Well i guess the title says it all really. My ex arrived here at 3 o clock yesterday to tell me and our youngest son (who's 3), that he was leaving to catch a plane to New Zealand at 5 o clock. No forewarning nothing. He said its my fault for pursueing a claim through the csa......My 3 year old didnt really understand and thinks his daddy has gone to Marks and Spencer on a plane! DS1 who is 6 is totally distraught though. He had dyspraxia with some Aspergers personality traits and doesnt take suprises, good or bad ones, very well at all. He just sat there crying quietly to himself when i had to go and get him from school and tell him what was happening. They both had a cuddle with their dad at home, before he unloaded all of the toys they kept at his house from the car, and he sloped off quietly while they were playing with all if their toys.... Ds1 cried himself to sleep because he wanted to give his daddy a cuddle. I didnt know what to say as i dont know if/when he is coming back and even if he is where he says he is.....

He has always been a selfish selfish man and has let me and the kids down countless times, but this is spectactular even for him. I ahte him so much for what he has done to the boys and for leaving me to deal with the tears and heartache while he is off living the life of riley halfway around the world, and i hate him for being such a weak and pathetic coward for leaving it to the last minute, to spare his own feelings and making it much worse for everyone else.

All of his family and friends knew he was going and not one person thought to let us know. I feel so gutteed for my little boys. I know that probably in the long run him going is for the best as he wont be able to hurt them or let them down anymore. I feel like a terrible mother for making bad decisions and letting him behave so badly for so long, when i should have told him to get stuffed years ago when the boys were younger and too little to understand. I just couldnt bare to give him the green light to walk away without a backwards glance, when really it was probably the best thing i could have done. I thought, that any kind of functinal relationship with their dad would be better than none at all.

My new dp is great with the boys, but he doesnt understand why i am so upset when all ex-p ever brought us was grief and tears. I cant help but feel so sad for the kids and so bitterly hurt and disappointed by my ex-p and the way he has gone about all of this.

I'm sorry for the spelling mistakes and if it doesnt make much sense. I just needed to vent.

Thanks for reading.

Your poor boys.

I think that I would be inclined to move on and make life good for my boys without him letting them down and disappointing them.

Can you manage financially without the maintenence?

Hi Curvy... what a knacker! I too am tearful at your story.... give your lovelies tons of cuddles and show them how safe and secure they are with you... be strong. My soon to be ex tosser wanky fuck face of a husband waited for his financial divorce form to say him and his partner would no longer be cohabiting as she and her two children "may" be moving to Aus. He doesn't want to pay CSA maintenance (has managed to get £5 min wage declaration even tho he is Co Director) or spousal mainteannce and says we should move house.... He has also said I am conhabiting which I am not but says he has evidence... what a complete tosser.... you would think he would be pleased but he just sees it as a way of paying even less. I wonder if he will F off to Aus... it would probably be for the best as my DDs are just little. Best wishes and chin up. xx

The maintenence was the 'treat' money really, for after school activities, pizza's out cinema trips etc just fun stuff for the kids. He only ever paid £127 per month for the boys and when my dp gotr made redundant twice last year and we had no money for christmas, i asked ex-p if he'd help out with a little extra financial support. He said no, which was when i asked the csa to re-assess him. They reassessed (sp) him to pay £267 mper month, so still by no means a fortune, but a bit extra to spoil the boys with....The csa dragged their heels and we were due the 1st £267 payment anyday now, but it looks like it hasnt gone through according to the fella i spoke to there this morning.....we will manage as my lovely partner works hard to provide for us all, and i guess you cant miss what you've never had, but that money would have been a real help thats for sure

Hi curvychick, I have just read your post and it has made me feel really mad - once again the woman is left holding everything together while the man swans off - ggrrrr.

Anyway I am from New Zealand (and I think there are a few others on here too), and I really would like to do something to help you track him down if and when you want to. I have a relative involved in the justice system who is really good at finding people (and seeing if they have criminal records i.e. boyfriends, tenants etc ) and of course if he is starting a Ph.D. he will be enrolled at a university - I can give you all the names of them (there are only 5 anyway). Let me know if you want me to do something. New Zealand is a small place (only 4 million people), we could definitely find the bugger!

Hi Looney mum, there really are some grade A tools out there aren't there? As far as i am aware Aus has very strict rules regarding emmigration (my best friend very nearly stayed out there after a working visa holiday) and i *think, although not for sure, that a non resident parent cant get a visa if his/her children live in another country......it always amazes me what lenghths these bastards will go to, to avoid paying for their own fleash and blood. Makes me so so sad and cross for our lovely children

Get Louiestrumpet on the case, he shouldn't feel all smug shirking his responsibilities and trying to escape paying for his own DC.

Wow. That just takes the biscuit. What a craven, selfish douchebag your ex is, I really feel for your boys

Don't let the bugger escape his financial responsibilities. Pursue him through the international courts. You may have to wait a long time for your money to come through, but you cannot let him squirm out of this. It doesn't have to be a fight, you can just drip, drip, drip pursue him. He wont be able to settle and frankly, that's the least he deserves!

My MIL did this with her ex. My DH's dad buggered off permanently when he was 10 and MIL struggled to make ends meet, but never pursued he child support because it was too much of a fight for her at the time.

Come DH's 18th birthday and MIL wanted to help him get a car as a rite of passage to adulthood thingie (DH is American, independence = car in the USA). She realised she couldn't afford it, and started thinking about all the stuff DH had done without because his a**hole father had reneged on his responsibilities.

So she filed for back child support. $80,000 worth. It took a while, but MIL now receives a monthly payment, garnished from her ex's pension! She will be paid in full, deservedly so. You and your boys deserve child support too.

What a highly unpleasant person. But you can find him I'm sure as the list of the universities in NZ ishere and as you can see it isn't long. I'd give it a few weeks then have a look on their websites or call around - presumably you know what area he will be in?

Louie, thank you so very much for your kind kind offer. I think when the tears have dried and i am feeling strong, i may just take you up on your offer. If he thinks he can hide from me on the other side of the world, he will have another thing coming

I'm so glad i posted earlier this moning, thank you all so much for you support and kind words x

What a ratfink!

Please do try for the maintenance, as 1) it is money that your sons deserve to have - even if you don't "need" it right now, it can go into savings for their future (studies, weddings, first homes...). 2) If he gets away with this he will just feel rewarded for his behaviour and that he was right to do this selfish thing, and 3) it sets a bad example, I can just imagine him boasting about this and would hate to think it gives any other fathers the idea of b*ggering off too!

Sorry by area I mean subject area eg physics or business studies

No problem curvychick, just let me know when you feel strong enough.

Axis, i know nothing more than that he is in NZ, but as there are only 5 uni's and he is doing his doctorate is a specialised field, it really shouldnt be too hard to track the bugger down!

NZ Universities

Auckland
Waikato
Massey
Lincoln
Canterbury
Otago.

I have contacts in many of them

curvychick - I know it is tempting to let this go but I would really go after him. If not for the money to make clear to him (and your children) than you can't just cut and run from your responsibilities. Please use the offers of support/contact networks from here - if I had contacts there I would be very keen to use them to help you out.

what a complete cunt

Curvy,

I just wanted to add to everyone else's comments - he is a total loser.

I'd just say one thing (and you sound so nice that I'm sure this doesn't need to be said). Don't ever badmouth him in front of your kids. My Dad left me when i was small, I remember crying about it although i was tiny, but my Mum always said fairly neutral things about him which has frankly made me admire her all the more and has made us very close. She tells me now that every time she felt mad she'd write him a letter that she never sent and that made it all better. My Dad's actually now dead (i only found out when I got a few hundred pounds inheritance!) but I wouldn't have had my childhood any other way. take care, and just give those kids lots of love and it will all be fine xx

I am left breathless by this. I can never understand how fathers can behave in this way. He sounds the sort of gloating dickhead who will surface on Facebook or some such shortly boasting about his wonderful new lifestyle so I doubt whether it will be hard to track him down - but maybe you should let him "get away" with not paying maintenance and having no contact with his sons nor any love or respect from them. It is a tough decision - when you have got over the shock, you might decide just to cut your losses.

Good luck with the pregnancy and new baby.

Ah Ha!! Found it! New Zealand has a recriprocal agreement with the UK with regards to child maintenance. Look here

Do not let him get away with it.

sorry, i'm not from the uk so i just have to ask, what is csa? i'm assuming it is something to do with alamony (child support). if it is, what a BASTARD. You and your boys are better off without someone who would go half way around the world to avoid his RESPONSIBILITIES. On the other hand, your current partner sounds like a nice guy and hopefully with be the positive 'father figure/male rolemodel' in your little boys' lives that is needed. Good luck to you and please don't blame your self for this at all, you sound like a wonderful loving mother and if that is right, your little ones will be just fine.

I've not had a chance to read all the posts on here so excuse me if I'm repeating what someone else has said.
I just wanted to say, don't feel like a "terrible mother". What this cock has done is not in any way your fault -you sound like a fantastic mother with a lovely stable environment for your boys and your new baby. It defied belief what some me will do.
My father moved 300 miles away from us when we were younger because my mum had an affair, because she didn't love my dad anymore and he was emotionally abusive. It hurt me for years that he inflicted this on us because in his words, he "couldn't deal with things". I still saw him, but even now things are sometimes strained between us and I don't feel like I "know" him very well.
On the other hand, my dh has been treated like shit by his ex since the day they split up, but he has still remained very close in proximity to where she lives so he can enjoy seeing his daughter often, even though he can't stand the mother.
But it does sound like you are better off with the wanker out of the country.

I had a similar experience with my ex. At the time I was living abroad in his country with our 3 children. I'd lived there most of my life, my children were all born there. We split up and he became a complete arsehole. Didn't pay me any child maintenance etc and at the time all three of them were at home. I have big age gaps between the children - two older ones - and youngest was then 5. One day he came and said he was going to get a job in a different town and wouldn't be over to see kids as often. He was doing a moonlight flit to Canada. Next we heard is that he'd gone to sisters over there, everyone in his family knew. They knew also that I was struggling financially trying to keep things going.
A few days later he called to tell my youngest of his arrival to Canada (I don't get the call)and she was fuddled to say the least.
I hung in for as long as I could, saw that my two older children were independant and safe with work and place to live and left to return to UK with my youngest one. But it split us all up.
I have family here that helped me get on my feet but I know the discust you must feel. How low can they go? How neglectful and selfcentered they become.
We got a divorced long distance, I had to go thru the state and their lawyers while he had money from his parents to appoint a good divorce/maintenance lawyer to barter in the courts for the lowest assistance possible. He was scott free.
Really bad behaviour for a Father... and the kids know it. Especially the older ones who were smart enough to see what was going on. The little one just says 'he was a bad Dad, he abandoned me'...
Now, 5 years on... I am happy, independant, back amongst people who care and help and my children are with me all the way.
Him? he's just a looser. He eventually went back to his homeland once he realised I had gone home to UK and contact with little one is minimal... almost non existant. No biggie, she's better off really.
It's hard and its shocking, but I got through it and safe to say that today I am happy, settled and recovered. It just makes you wary of men in general and so untrusting. That 'trust' is forever spoilt.

Again, thank you all for your supportive words and for sharing your stories. Kally, i am so sorry for what you and your family had to go through, especially being away from all of your family support too. I am very very grateful for the fact that we are supported by my wonderful new partner and have my family and his family around for support. I know what you mean about the trust being forever spoilt, it took me a very long time to trust my new partner after the torment and upset my ex had put us through. In bed last night i just lay there crying while he held onto me and told me he could never ever treat me and the kids so badly, and deep down i know he never would, but when you have been shat on so many times, and hurt and let down so badly, it is so very hard to let your guard down and 'enjoy' your happyness because you cant quite believe that it will last....not sure if that makes sense....I hate my ex so much for the way he has and still continues to so negatively influence even the happiest parts of my life. I am now starting to realise that the children will be ALOT better of without their fathers input, because if my boys grew up to be Men like their Father, i cant think of anything that would dissapoint and ashame me more.

Littleonemum, just wanted to reassure you, that despite thinking ex-p is a grade a tosser, i would never let the boys know that. If they grow up none the wiser as to how much i hate him, i will know i have done the best thing for them. They will be able to piece the facts together when they are old enough and will inevitably draw their own conclusions as to what kind of a man he is........

Also have had a look through the University listings and the likely one that he is at is Victoria University of Wellington.....i have spoken to my partner and my mum this lunchtime and have decided i will be hunting him down and pursueing him for maintenence as why should he be able to get away with shirking all of his responsibilities? My partner and parents will happily provide for the boys financially (i am a sahm) but why should they have to step into that role when their father is more than capable, and is just too bloody selfish to do the right thing. He will get such a damned shock when the court letter plops through his letter box, the look on his face would be beyond priceless!

Good for you, my love

OMG, this gets my twat of the week nomination that's for sure! Loser with a capital 'L'!!!!!

Well done curvychick, don't let him away with it, go girl!!