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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you ever stop contact with your mum forever?

101 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 20:21

Following on from this thread
mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/724947-I-39-m-beginning-to-hate-my-mother-ev en-more

Tonight I went to see to my dog who is living with my mum. I went in and said hello and she barely spoke a word, really solemn so I asked what was wrong and she pointed to a payment request from the visa for £450 to be paid by mid April. She hasn't said anything yet but I know it's going to be another going on at me to get this loan. If I don't do this, I don't have a clue what she will do. This is so difficult I want to cry but fear i'll never stop. Life would be so much easier and carefree without her in my life. Would I be stupid to pick up my lovely dog, take him to my home and to never see her again?

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 20/03/2009 20:24

no you would not.

and do NOT take out a loan for her!!

Get away! Run as fast as you can!

(- you've finally moved out then? Bloody well done!)

CarGirl · 20/03/2009 20:26

Lola I have very little contact with my parents as I can't cope with seeing them.

Go collect your dog and let your Mum grow up & be responsible for her own life & decisions.

DO NOT take out that loan, your Mum's dh will bleed you dry.

ilovetochat · 20/03/2009 20:27

dont get the loan, dont go and see her is she asks for money.
dps parents used to always borrow of us after spending stuff on luxuries that we werent having ourselves. when we told them we were having dd and wouldnt be bailing them out again, we said we would see less of them as the requests put us off going, they have stopped asking.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 20/03/2009 20:28

lola I lurked on your other thread> I have to agree with the others when they say your mum is blackmailing you. You do not have to get her this loan. Pick up your dog, take him home and maybe think about contact with your mum after the April date has been and gone.

She got herself in this mess, she can get herself out of it. Her husband should help her pay for it or she should get a job to pay it off.

oliviasmama · 20/03/2009 20:29

At least for the moment collect your dog and take it home with you. That'll stop the contact you have to have with her and give you time to think and have no contact with her if that's what you decide.

I could never ever have had no contact with my Mum but then she was the perfect mum.

themoon66 · 20/03/2009 20:29

Go get your dog. Leave your mother and her crazy DH. Don't look back.

(I've been reading your threads on and off for a long time, but never posted before)

Oh.. and well done for moving out.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 20/03/2009 20:37

Of course she hasn't said anything about it yet because by pointing at the bill, it sounds as if she's trying the passive aggressive route now. If you'd shown reluctance, her reply would be that no-one asked you to do it

She got herself into this mess so she'll have to get herself out of it.
Get your dog back before she sells it!!! and don't have contact with her until she drops the subject.

Portofino · 20/03/2009 20:43

Just tell her that you CANNOT borrow the money. That the bank will not let you. And then leave. This is not normal parent behaviour.

JazzHands · 20/03/2009 20:46

Lola I was lurking on other threads too.

Do not get the loan. Just don't do it. It is all wrong.

whoingodsnameami · 20/03/2009 20:51

Its emotional blackmail, and the solemn look no doubt was staged, she does not need someone elses money to help her out of a mess she got herself into, there are always ways of dealing with debt, it is the CAB she needs to turn to for advice, not you for money.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 11:54

Thanks for all of your replies. I've just offered to call the visa people on behalf of my mum to talk through negotiations and she repeatedly declined all my offers. It seems nothing other than the loan will do or make her happy now.

OP posts:
Portofino · 21/03/2009 12:05

Well you know what to do then don't you! DO NOT GIVE IN. If she is prepared to fall out with over this, then she frankly not worth worrying about.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2009 12:06

You would not be at all stupid to collect your dog and have nothing to do with your malign and toxic mother ever again.

Your Mother will just have to stay unhappy because you will end up in debt yourself if you were foolish enough to take out a loan for her. You are not responsible for your Mum's series of poor choices and debt; she is.

Do not get yourself into debt for her. If your Mum wants to act like the passive aggressive martyr and toxic parent that she is then fine. Do not though let this evil woman drag you down with her because this is what she is trying to do.

Lola - you've lived in this woman's shadow for too long. You made a break by moving out (thank goodness because her H is also toxic as well), you must continue to break away from their malign influences.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 12:13

Thanks ladies

She got a bill for the visa - £400 - yesterday so I offered to give her the £150 I have got running spare (my only savings so I can buy my own house instead of rent!) and suggested that if her BH (Bastard Husband) could perhaps miss a week sending money to his family, and she said "and what are they supposed to do?". I put down the phone and screamed "survive on the bits they've got in the cupboards for A, ONE bloody week...they don't have £10,000 in f*ing debt do they?!"

OP posts:
thegreatescape · 21/03/2009 12:15

Lola, I haven't seen any of your other threads but thought I would post anyway.

My ex-h was an alcoholic who didn't work. I worked 2 jobs but it was never enough. We literally did not have enough food sometimes and didn't have enough to pay rent. I would always have to ask my parents for hand outs (he would never ask his).I hated doing it. One day my dad said it couldn't lend us any money. It actually did me a favour as I had to sort out the cause of the problems (mostly ex-h spending all money on beer).

I have a great relationship with my dps. I know your situation is probably different but don't think you should feel guilty about saying no. Sometimes its for the best.

SkintColditz · 21/03/2009 12:16

I KNEW this would be you, Lola.

I couldn't stop contact with my mum ... but I could with yours!

Take your dog, enjoy your life, and stop letting her leech off you. She has a partner to leech off.

SkintColditz · 21/03/2009 12:19

DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY

SMILE BEAUTIFICALLY AND SAY YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY

TELL LIES TO HER

DO NOT FEED HER BELIEF THAT YOU ARE HER COMMODITY

Haribosmummy · 21/03/2009 12:20

By Portofino on Sat 21-Mar-09 12:05:01

Well you know what to do then don't you! DO NOT GIVE IN. If she is prepared to fall out with over this, then she frankly not worth worrying about.

Absolutely sums it up perfectly IMHO.

It was said on the other thread, but worth pointing out that if her husband will not forfeit one weeks worth of money being sent to his family, then he is not going to agree to repay you back over time, is he?

You already know the answer here, and hopefully you have enough replies from MNers to know that you have the RIGHT answer.

BitOfFun · 21/03/2009 12:24

Its all been said- I lurked too! God no, and keep your money- you need it.

HolyGuacamole · 21/03/2009 12:29

Wow Lola, I kept up with your other threads too.

My view is that her DHs family simply canot do without him sending over money, whilst you are expected to do. Not exactly fair is it. Goose, gander etc. Don't give her your savings! Why should you save up to improve your own future just to have someone else blow it on frigging £10,000 debt THEY accrued on a credit card? I take it the DH benefited from the debts on this card?

I know you want to help, it is only natural. However, this passive aggressive behaviour is again, not fair on you. Why should you subsidise HIS family which is essentially what you would be doing if you pay give over your savings or take a loan. It's a bloody cheek if you ask me!!

I think you done as much as you could by very kindly offering to call Visa for her, but no, that still wasn't enough. Only hard cash will do, then what happens in May and June and so on? It won't stop after one payment. If she actually got off her arse and called them and explained the situation, they would have to come to some sort of agreement, after all, they can't get blood out of a stone.

This DH of hers has a lot to answer for and so does she for guilting you into this position .

Sorry for being harsh in my post, it is wholly directed towards your mother and her DH. I feel really bad for you that you are in this position Just out of interest what kinds of things did she buy with the Visa?

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 12:40

Thanks all x

HolyGuacamole, your name is great!

She bought;

*Many flights at £400 a time for her husband to visit his home. He has been back about 5 times and has only been here less than 2
years!

*Another car for her husband even though he had one that worked perfectly. The other one was bought because he liked it and WANTED it.

*She used to send sums of £100 got out of the visa weekly to his family until he got his job.

*They got a dongle for broadband connection because our old modem broke and he couldn't wait a few days til the new modem arrived. SO that's £15 per month contracted for 18 months, as well as the contract we still have with our usual broadband.

I told them to get rid of the car as that costs LOOOOADS in fuel, insurance, tax etc (just had £1,000 bill for something to do with the car) and his work is within a 15 minute walk and she doesn't work but they refuse to.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 12:44

My mother always goes on about how she's supported me financially for 25 years but as soon as I started college at 16, I worked after my classes til 10pm at night and then an hour and half commute home and both Sat and Sun in work and have either worked since then or been for very short periods on job seekers, so barely ever had hand-outs from my mother. Isn't it a mothers job that shouldn't be expected in return to financially (as well as emotionally and securely of course) support their children. or am I missing something?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 21/03/2009 12:44

They could help themselves then: they just choose not to, because they think they can guilt you into subbing them. Enough. You would be doing them no favours, just enabling them to live irresponsibly. It's like an alcoholic whose wife covers for him by ringing in sick to his boss etc- what incentive is there to stop? Cutting all contact for a few months sounds like an excellent idea to me.

HolyGuacamole · 21/03/2009 12:55

I knew it!

She obviously has some sort of imbalance in her marriage to this man and he is a selfish git with no idea of consequence (ie, spend more than you have - voila - debt). However, that is her problem. I have a feeling your mum is worried about losing this man if she can't keep the cash/cars/flights coming or if she insists on him paying his fair share of the debt? Maybe I am completely out of order in saying this but I think he is using her for money, and in turn, using you. Does he have no sense of pride? His pride is directed to make sure his family at home have an ok life subsidised by him but what about your mum? She is his family now and she is THE person he should be looking after.

The thing is, when we have debts, we have to compromise on lifestyle. We can't have it all ways. What a mess your mum has gotten herself into. Money doesn't buy love and her mistake has been pouring cash into this man and she'd rather turn to you than ask the DH who benefited to cough up

Only she can fix this. If you pay this debt, the lesson learned will be that they can spend and you will run along and save them. Don't do it Lola.

Winetimeisfinetime · 21/03/2009 12:58

Lola there is complete agreement from everyone posting on this thread that you should not give your mother any more money.

I don't know all of the history of your relationship but have seen enough of your previous threads to know that the advice you are being given here is right.

You are obviously a good, caring daughter but this situation will never end if you keep bailing your mother out. You need to stop doing it for both of your sakes. Your mother and her dh need to reach a point where they are forced to face up to their financial problems and sort them out and start to live within their means and that won't happen whilst you are helping to prop them up.

Get your dog and leave your mother and her dh to sort their own issues out and don't feel bad about it as you are doing the right thing for both of you.