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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you ever stop contact with your mum forever?

101 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 20:21

Following on from this thread
mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/724947-I-39-m-beginning-to-hate-my-mother-ev en-more

Tonight I went to see to my dog who is living with my mum. I went in and said hello and she barely spoke a word, really solemn so I asked what was wrong and she pointed to a payment request from the visa for £450 to be paid by mid April. She hasn't said anything yet but I know it's going to be another going on at me to get this loan. If I don't do this, I don't have a clue what she will do. This is so difficult I want to cry but fear i'll never stop. Life would be so much easier and carefree without her in my life. Would I be stupid to pick up my lovely dog, take him to my home and to never see her again?

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/03/2009 13:08

for God's SAKE Lola! ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH Sometimes I could shake you till your teeth rattle.

Don't give her your money! That's all you are to her - a cash cow. They will bleed you dry.

You do NOT owe her! For fucks sake it is a parent's JOB to support their child. She thinks you owe her for that? Bollocks do you! If you bring a child into the world - that is YOUR choice and YOUR responsibility, they owe you NOTHING - they are little more than the innocent victims of your decision to inflict this shitty world on them. If anything, you owe your kids for doing that to them!

Please Lola, strap on a pair.

BitOfFun · 21/03/2009 13:15

Watch the blood pressure Hecate!

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 13:25

Will you all ask your DP's if I can borrow their bollocks for the next few weeks? :D

Hecate, I won't give her any money. I feel stupid that I did offer to give her my savings now because the bitch doesn't deserve any help. I'm just going to avoid her calls.

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/03/2009 13:26

Good.

You can have my husband's hairy pair. I ripped them off him years ago and they're just gathering dust in my trophy case.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 13:32

Hahaha, can you wax them first please?

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/03/2009 13:34

screw 'em

BitOfFun · 21/03/2009 13:41

Custardo, yep

Btw, I would be interested to hear your take on this thread if you get a chance?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2009 14:37

Her H is using her and by turn she your Mum is using you.

You were daft actually to offer her the £150 you had going spare. If the positions were reversed would she help you?. NO!!!.

Never ever let your Mother know you have any spare cash. You owe this toxic woman for a mother NOTHING!.

blinks · 21/03/2009 14:49

sounds like a majorly unhealthy set-up.

forgodsake don't pick up their tab.

why are you scared to say no? does she have tantrums or is it emotional blackmail?

thegreatescape · 21/03/2009 15:58

totally agree with HG. You will be reliant on the ddh to pay you monthly. By the sound of it, you will be on a hiding to nothing. It sounds very much like what is yours/your mum's is his and what's his is his. I also have a suspicion if there's no more cash he will do one which is also, maybe, what your mum thinks. Think of the loan actually being to him and consider whether you want to do it.

PlumBumMum · 21/03/2009 16:01

Lola heres a thread that might help
here

Horton · 21/03/2009 16:43

I've lurked on some of your threads, too, Lola, and please don't do it. It all sounds really dodgy and I cannot believe your mum has the cheek to even ask you. You sound like you are doing just fine without her so maybe it's time to cut contact for a bit and see if that helps. You don't have to tell her you're doing it, just don't call or go over for a while (and get your dog back first). Sorry if I've missed anything, but why don't you have your dog at yours?

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 11:25

Arrrrrghhhh, I am so fcking angry. I went over to my mums this morning to give her mothers day card and present and after she'd open them first thing she says 'Now Lola, I don't want you to get angry or go off in a huff but I really want you to have a think about this. If you get the loan for me, DH will be able to take it off your hands completely at the start of next year, when he's been here long enough by getting another loan to pay off that one and she asked me if I would think about it. I just walked off. I want an easy life, not one with this bitch in it.

I just want to scream 'leave me alone you fecking bitch who doesn't even deserve mothers day'.

OP posts:

clam · 22/03/2009 11:45

Have you actually said to her yet, "Mum, sorry, but NO." And if so, WHY is she still going on about it? Which part of NO is she not understanding? You cannot do this for her, even if you wanted to. You simply would not get the loan.
And even if you could, please listen to all the advice you have had on here and RUN FOR THE HILLS. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO IT. You would be saddling yourself with a debt of 10 grand for what? Bankrolling your DH who you detest, and his family who you've never met. Your mum might be prepared to do that, but you shouldn't be. You would be writing that money off because there's no way you'd ever get it back. You know that.
So where's the dilemma? OK, she'd be "off" with you, but by the sounds of it, she is anyway. Where's the loss?

clam · 22/03/2009 11:46

Sorry, her DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 11:53

Lola,

You went over to give this toxic woman a card and present?. Why?. She does not deserve these things from you.

She's still on about the loan!!. What part of no does she not understand. I would not believe anything she utters. Her idea of her H getting another loan to pay off this one is particularly bonkers.

You did very well to move away from her but you need to make a complete break from her. What is stopping you from doing this?. My guess is that it is "FOG" - fear, obligation, guilt on your part (any guilt you have is misplaced honestly). She will have a malign hold over you for the rest of your days otherwise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 11:54

If you want an easier life as you say you will need to unlearn the damaging lessons you've been taught. You need to stop allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated by this woman.

Lemontart · 22/03/2009 11:56

Lola - good for you for walking off and staying angry. You should be angry and have every right to feel the way you do.
I too have followed the other threads and not commented as so many other people have given you such great advice. This has gone on for such a while now and you are still allowing her to screw with your head. You are an adult and need to take control of this once and for all.
I would write her a letter (easier than her arguing in a face to face discussion) and tell her that you have made your feelings very clear about lending money (you don?t have) and are upset and frustrated that she is not respecting you enough to stop hounding you at every opportunity. As she seems to refuse to listen, that you are taking a break and would appreciate it if she no longer contacts you or your family as it is causing you too much heartache and upset. You do not have the money to lend her and it is not negotiable. Then I would go round, pick up your dog and drop off the letter. No chatter, no discussion, just as business like as you can.

The sooner you make the break and step away from this toxic relationship, the sooner you will move on. You might also be doing her a favour and make her consider other financial options and take responsibility instead of deflecting all this on hopes of you taking out a loan. Please, please, please end this soon xx

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 12:15

omg, i am shaking with anger and crying now. she just came over with her DH (i live next door to the supermarket she was going to) and asked if I was going to reconsider. We went into the kitchen with her DH in another room but I guess that he oculd hear what was being said. I told her all the reasons that I feel are against me getting her this loan:

They used the visa to get another car just because he WANTED one.

She used to send his family £100 per week from the visa when she knew damn well how much debt she was getting into.

He used the visa to get another internet dongle because the modem broke and he couldn't wait a matter of days til the new modem came so now we have 2 broadband connections - pointless.

That she has paid for all of his many flights back home. He has repaid zero.

She was really pissed off at me telling me to shut up, so then I really shouted at her that her husband doesn't love her, he's here for his job (which he could never get in his country) so he can send money over home. I also ranted that how whenever his family are in trouble, off he rushes to help them, but when she (my mother) is in trouble, he doesn't want to know but she was shouting 'don't be so fucking stupid. Shut up'.

Then she went on about how she's going to have to sell the house because i'm not going to help her. The house was my beloved late grandmothers (who was more like a mother and best friend to me). She scrimped and saved to buy this house just before her death so it has great sentimental value. We also buried my lovely dog in the garden at the house last week and in the heat my mother shouted at me 'So are you going to dig up Belle (the dogs name) then?' when we have to move.

I hate the bitch so much.

OP posts:

bellavita · 22/03/2009 12:17

Lola - this is emotional blackmail which deep down I think you know this.

Stick to your guns and be strong.

Please, please do not give into her whiney demands.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 12:23

Thanks Bella, do you think she really will sell the house or is it just blackmail?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 22/03/2009 12:25

It is blackmail. And try to remember that your lovely gran is in your heart forever, not in that house.

Why don't you do the letter idea? That sounded good.

bellavita · 22/03/2009 12:27

It is blackmail Lola. She won't sell the house, she is just too bloody childlike to stand on her own too feet - well why would she when she has you to bail her out?

tammybear · 22/03/2009 12:40

Hi Lola, I've kept an eye on your threads as I really feel for you.

The stuff your mum has said is emotional blackmail. This sort of thing happens a lot within my family.

My sister recently has done the same to my mum except for my mum falls for it everytime, as my sister uses the "well if you won't help me out, you'll never see grandchild ever again". It's just upsetting to see (which really angers me) but upsets me and angers me more that my mum falls for it when she blatantly knows it's blackmail. She constantly says she won't be put in that position again, but my sister keeps draining money out of her. She's not £9000 in debt at least just because of my sister, and she's not going to see that money ever again.

I have a crap relationship with my mum, and tbh have considered so many times to just cut communications (the only problem is I live literally a 5min walk from her house). She often blackmails me and twists and tries to control things so things always goes her way. I've spent my life being subjected to this, and I'm finally learning (though still finding it hard) to stand up for myself.

You telling your mum what you thought is a great step. I'm so glad you're sticking to your guns and not caving in. She will throw whatever she can at you, like bellavita said, in a childlike manner, throwing all her toys out the pram til she gets what she wants. She'll eventually stop, just stay strong. And hopefully it'll be a wake up call for her to realise what a mess she's in, and that her DH isn't supporting her like he should, rather than relying on you!

bellavita · 22/03/2009 12:47

should say two feet and not too.

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