Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you ever stop contact with your mum forever?

101 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 20:21

Following on from this thread
mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/724947-I-39-m-beginning-to-hate-my-mother-ev en-more

Tonight I went to see to my dog who is living with my mum. I went in and said hello and she barely spoke a word, really solemn so I asked what was wrong and she pointed to a payment request from the visa for £450 to be paid by mid April. She hasn't said anything yet but I know it's going to be another going on at me to get this loan. If I don't do this, I don't have a clue what she will do. This is so difficult I want to cry but fear i'll never stop. Life would be so much easier and carefree without her in my life. Would I be stupid to pick up my lovely dog, take him to my home and to never see her again?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 22/03/2009 16:47

No lola, it wouldn't. I would do just that. She is leeching off you financially and emotionally. If you were hugely well-off and offered the money that would be a different matter. But you aren't and you didn't. She is quite out of order.

MadamDeathstare · 22/03/2009 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 22/03/2009 16:56

Difficult for you. Say no to the loan, absolutely. It's one thing to pay off someone's debts if you've got money in the bank (and that's a big ask IMO) but it's quite another to expect people to go into debt to bail them out of their own overspending.

ChairmumMiaow · 22/03/2009 17:08

I haven't spoken to my mother (apart from about 3 "hello"s at rare family gatherings) in about 8 years. She's a destructive person for very different reasons, and although I worried initially that I would miss having a mother, I've generally felt much freer and have been a happier, more balanced person without her. Even when my DS arrived, nothing would make me want to reconcile with her.

So yes, I could and have, and it was the best thing I ever did even though through it all the rest of my family has rejected me. It was worth it.

Peachy · 22/03/2009 17:19

Dh's Mum has asked us for money in the past (TBE she asked for repayment of a loan... the loan apaprenlty was the receipt for a contriution to our wedding that she gave us as a present ).It had to be a no, dh feared her controlling su and was right- when MIL and FIL split at that time BIL did get involved with ehr finances and basically she controls everythng he does. He owns half her house as she couldnt afford it, and she even bans him having GF's in as she wants to keep him for herself (he is 35, same age as me).

It gets far too complex.

DH now ahs no communication with his Mum; we send gifts but tahats it, may as well post them into the ether but fdont want to punish BIL by giving her another thing to complain to him about. We tried a reunionalst year when ds4 was born, massive mistake. She ended up telling dh she never wants to see him again and trust me, she won't need to worry!

In the past she has caused him so much paina nd was happy to do so even when he ahd life threatening depression.

We have this idea of motherhood and this time of year magnifies it with World Best Mum etc etc. Well the truth is not all of us have great mums and for a few people they are downright poisonous. my sisters marriage is at risk from one of these and its so sad. we have to learn to protct ourselves

Peachy · 22/03/2009 17:24

BTW if you find it hard to say no place the bklame elsewhere
DH told MIL he heard a rumour he would be made redundant and so the bank had said no to the loan.

Hence redirecting anger at someone she couldnt hurt,nameless facels manager f a bank 60 miles away

CarGirl · 22/03/2009 19:28

You will always have very happy memories of your Gran & the house whatever the future holds.

Stop letting your Mum ruin your life, be strong.

pingviner · 23/03/2009 12:30

lola, you are doing the right thing by saying no, and also by giving her some home truths about her relationship. you have obviously tried to help her- its sad that she wont listen and make a payment plan etc but you have at least led the horse to water...

her dh must know about the debt but prefers to see you as the solution. Neither of them seem willing to change their monetary arrangements to deal with it so you have to take out a loan? I think they dont see you as a person in this, just a cash cow. She shows no care to her own grandchildren if shes asking you to take on such a risk...

take your dog and cut contact for a while at least. Family, freinds and complete strangers are saying the same thing - dont do it!

Portofino · 23/03/2009 12:43

Am I right in understanding that the dog is buried in the garden?

CharleeInSpring · 23/03/2009 12:48

Lola, first off well done for moving out.

My DP chose to cut all contacts with his mother after years of abuse, it is hard and sepecially days like mothersday make him blue but on the whole life has been easier without her constant emotinal blackmail and various other crap.

WHatever you do, do ont give her any money and definatley don't get a loan for her or her BH. They are adults its time they stopped treating you like the parent and stopped acting like the children.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 23/03/2009 14:32

Hi thanks for your help ladies. Yes the dog is buried in the garden, Portofino.

OP posts:
Portofino · 23/03/2009 18:46

Sorry - sounded a bit insensitive, but i understand that gives you another emotional link to the house.

themoon66 · 23/03/2009 19:13

So when you say you are going to pick the dog up from your mum, do you mean you have another dog?

2rebecca · 23/03/2009 19:29

In what way is your dog yours if it lives with your mother? That sounds strange.

Portofino · 23/03/2009 19:59

Um, I think the dog, much beloved to Lola, died very recently and has been buried in the garden. That and the fact the house belonged to Lola's GM who had to sacrifice a lot to buy it before she died, and is now at risk because of the bitch mother's current situation. So the house has a lot of sentimental value to Lola....hopefully i have understood this all correctly?

2rebecca · 23/03/2009 22:12

So she is seriously thinking of exhuming the dog? Bizarre.
I've never felt that where someone is buried is that important. I don't feel my mum is where her ashes are and haven't so far visited the place where they are scattered. I can think of her anywhere.

themoon66 · 23/03/2009 22:34

I think we are mixing dogs up here

In the OP she refers to her dog as 'him' (male dog). But the dog that is buried in the garden was called 'Belle' (female name).

Clearly there have been two dogs.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 24/03/2009 21:23

Hi thanks for all your replies.

I had two dogs - girl and boy. Girl died, boy is still alive.

I went to see the dog today and noticed when I was looking for some of my paperwork that my mother has now recieved a reminder for the £450 she has to pay immediately and it says that if it's not paid, legal action may be sought. Does this mean baliffs? I am so worried, I feel sick constantly.

OP posts:
clam · 24/03/2009 21:30

It's not your problem. If the bill needs paying, her DH can deal with it. He's working, after all.
And has it crossed your mind that she might have left it out deliberately so that you could see it?

pingviner · 24/03/2009 22:42

Grr, getting really incensed here on your behalf - I agree with clam that there may be an element of manipulation involved but stay strong!

Even if legal action is threatened or carried out against your mother it is still not your fault! She has plenty of options to sort out this visa bill- (firstly stop spending! try and arrange money from her working husband, get a job, remortgage the house, CAB, payment plans etc - none of these may be easy or palatable options for her but SHE needs to take responsibility for the debt, not you!

Most early demands for payment can be sorted out by calling the company, being honest and trying to work out a means of repayment. But the longer she leaves it the worse it will get, and the more difficult negociations to pay might be. She can still sort this, you are not her last resort and you have to keep telling her this like a broken record. If you can, offer her help to sort it out herself eg calls, letters etc but please dont accept responsibility for her debts!

(And just to help you stay adamant imagine how even more sick you would feel if it was a demand for payment of a loan in your name, coming to your home, because she and her 'husband' dont keep to their side of this dubious arrangement they are suggesting)

HolyGuacamole · 24/03/2009 23:26

pingviner is right! Your mum just has to call and make arrangements with them. If they won't make an affordable arrangement, she should go to CAB.

The majority of creditors will accept a temporary arrangement for say 3 or 6 months to allow the person to get back on their feet and meet repayments. It is cheaper for them to do this rather than take legal action but if your mother ignores the letters, they will take action, although I don't know exactly what that entails? I used to work in this area many moons ago but things/laws are different now so I wouldn't feel comfortable advising on the legal part.

dittany · 24/03/2009 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 24/03/2009 23:38

Thanks for your replies again ladies. The support and advice is very much appreciated.

The dog is 16 yrs old and is blind and deaf so i've always thought it was best to leave him in the home he's always known and that it would be cruel to have him get used to somewhere new but I really miss the little lad.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2009 06:55

Lola,

Re your comment:-

"I went to see the dog today and noticed when I was looking for some of my paperwork that my mother has now recieved a reminder for the £450 she has to pay immediately and it says that if it's not paid, legal action may be sought. Does this mean baliffs? I am so worried, I feel sick constantly".

Your Mother may have left this deliberately lying around for you to come across.

It may mean the baliffs coming to visit, she will have certainly received phone calls and letters from the visa people or the debt collection agencies by now.

Its NOT your problem re her debt, stop worrying about her and her bloody credit card bill!!!. If the positions were reversed would she worry about you - I think you know the answer to that one (i.e NO). This woman has never cared about you one jot and has failed you completely as a Mother. She gave birth to you, yes, but that's all she really did. She gave up all responsibility for you after that. She really does not deserve any of your consideration; she manipulates you and plays on your heart strings. You have allowed yourself in the past to be in her control.

DutchOma · 25/03/2009 07:46

So are there two dogs for you to wory about?
One who died recently and is buried in the garden and the other one who is very old?
I've been reading your posts with concern because in spite of the fact that there isn't one Mumsnetter who says you really should help your mother out (and I don't either) you still seem to think that there is some reason for you to worry about your mother and her financial circumstances.
There really isn't and although it is very hard to do, you need to find strategies to untangle the apron strings and move on into your own adult life.
Best of luck