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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you ever stop contact with your mum forever?

101 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 20:21

Following on from this thread
mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/724947-I-39-m-beginning-to-hate-my-mother-ev en-more

Tonight I went to see to my dog who is living with my mum. I went in and said hello and she barely spoke a word, really solemn so I asked what was wrong and she pointed to a payment request from the visa for £450 to be paid by mid April. She hasn't said anything yet but I know it's going to be another going on at me to get this loan. If I don't do this, I don't have a clue what she will do. This is so difficult I want to cry but fear i'll never stop. Life would be so much easier and carefree without her in my life. Would I be stupid to pick up my lovely dog, take him to my home and to never see her again?

OP posts:

clam · 22/03/2009 12:48

If you can't sever connections with her, you're just going to have to do the old 'stuck record' routine. That is, just repeat, mantra-like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm afraid I am unable to get a loan on your behalf."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm afraid I am unable to get a loan on your behalf."

And yes, she MIGHT have to sell the house. But it is only bricks and mortar. Your gran and your dog are not there, but they are in your heart. Your mum is the one choosing to sell it to bail out her husband. It's not your job to do it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 13:23

Your Toxic Mother is quite the emotional drama queen when she gets going and is not at all averse to using emotional blackmail on you. She is also in denial re her relationship with her feckless money sponging H but that is not your problem to deal with.

The house is bricks and mortar at the end of the day; they cannot take the memories of your Nan and dog away.

And if your toxic Mother does sell the house all that money made will be gone on her DH probably within the space of a year or two. Then she'll be banging on your door again asking for a loan.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 13:24

The house is bricks and mortar at the end of the day; they cannot take the memories of your Nan and dog away.

And if your toxic Mother does sell the house all that money made will be gone on her DH probably within the space of a year or two. Then she'll be banging on your door again asking for a loan.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 13:36

Thanks ladies I'm going to get the bitch barred from calling me (her number barred) and going to get one of those little peepie-holes drilled into my door so no more calling around unexpected. This is it now, my easy, mother-free life begins from here.

OP posts:

clam · 22/03/2009 13:38

Good luck, lola. Be prepared for her not to give up without a battle, but stay strong.

bellavita · 22/03/2009 13:38

Well done Lola - your shoulders will hopefully feel a lot lighter now

BitOfFun · 22/03/2009 13:43

Good for you

If you are finding it hard-going getting your head around it all, have a look at the Stately Homes thread which offers great support and is very welcoming to new posters dealing with the fallout of toxic parents. Atilla will be able to link it, I can't remember which bit of the board it's on!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 13:51

Well done Lola, start as you mean to go on!!.

At BitOfFun's behest this is the link to the current Stately Homes thread (now on Part 5):-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/709665-Our-5th-visit-to-the-Stately-Home

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 13:55

Thanks attila. Looks like theres lots of good support on there

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 22/03/2009 14:03

I stopped contact with my mother 8 years ago. She was poison. I don't think I realised how toxic she was until I was actually free of her, probably because I spent all my time and energy trying to please her.

It was hard at first because she is my mother, because of that I felt obliged to her IYSWIM. Now though I don't give it a second thought. I am much happier for being free of her, I am a different person.

So, well done you for taking this step. You won't regret it

dittany · 22/03/2009 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolyGuacamole · 22/03/2009 14:29

What a cheek coming round asking you for the loan

I hope her DH heard everything you said! You need a bit of distance here. Your mother is putting her DH before you in every way. He sounds like a right loser. I don't think your mother will ever listen to you or take heed of anything you are saying. It is her mess and she has to deal with it. She hasn't even tried to find solutions thru calling Visa or the CAB and she is blackmailing you with losing the house Next it will be her health and how this is all stressing her out and causing all sorts of ailments.

I hope you get a few days of peace and quiet Lola, so much for trying to make a nice mothers day. You should batten down the hatches, grab yourself a bottle of wine and some munchies and have a nice night to yourself. You deserve it

Kimi · 22/03/2009 14:45

Lola, I am going to be blunt here.

I take it your gran left the house to your mother, do you think you will get the house at some point?
I think you can kiss that goodbye as you mother (as you have started to see) is married to one of these nasty foreign men who use sad lonely women for money, I do not think he loves your mother she is his meal ticket and you will be too if you take out this loan. I take it there is no health reason your mother cant work, I guess she just finds it easier to let someone else pick up the tab.
She is becoming a scrounger like her huisband and his family.
Walk away, let her sell the bloody house, it will never be yours as you can bet it is left to him and he will move his family in as soon as anything happens to your mum.

If you take out the loan then you are stupid and will regret it.

Tell her NO mean it and stick to it, if she ask again tell her she has a choise of having a daughter and no loan or no daughter and no loan.

Kimi · 22/03/2009 14:48

Another thought I bet if you take out the £10,000 loan her hubby and the money will be gone before you can say mug

dittany · 22/03/2009 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 22/03/2009 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 15:17

Hello, my nan, before she died said that the house was for my mum and then to be passed onto me but my mum insists that husband doesn't want it. Anytime i've asked for her to make a will out putting it to my name, she's always told me not to be so silly, but without a will it will automatically fall into her bastard f*cked up, moneygrabbing, lazy, poisonous twunt of a husband.

OP posts:

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 15:19

I emailed my lovely auntie (mums sister) who unfortunately lives hundreds of miles away to ask the same question i've been asking you ladies (if i'm unreasonable to turn her down) and even she, who has so much sisterly love for my mum, told me to turn her down.

OP posts:

dittany · 22/03/2009 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kimi · 22/03/2009 15:25

Lola how many times do you need to ask the question? We are going to give you the same answer DO NOT DO IT.

The fact your mother will not make a will to leave the house to you speaks volumes.

psychomum5 · 22/03/2009 15:27

run away.

run far far away

seriously. If yoou have the ways and means, get away now!!!

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/03/2009 15:37

I've tried to tell her so many times, it's unbelievable dittany but each time she's just screamed at me to 'get out of her sight' and sometimes even gone to hurt me.

He's 38. In his country the women (and men) are drop-dead gorgeous. Really modelesque with perfect figures, and the majority are very respectable people. The women keep their homes very tidy and do everything for their man. You get no (or very few) girls who sleep around like here or ladettes. Girls like that are verrrry looked down on by society. So here he is, with millions of women like that to choose from and he's with my mother. A 50-year-old, overweight (I know that doesn't equal ugly BTW...i'm even bigger than she is) woman who looks decidely average and dresses frumpy.

It doesn't take a degree to figure this out, does it? I never believed the phrase 'blind in love' could ever be applied to anyone in real life, but now I know it does, complete with eyes poked out and a touch of deafness also, it seems. The woman is a fool.

OP posts:

Portofino · 22/03/2009 16:24

Well done Lola for standing up to her. I don't think you have to explain your reasons why you don;t "want" to take out the loan. A nice firm, "I cannot borrow that money so there is no use in asking" should be sufficient.

Kimi · 22/03/2009 16:31

As I said on your other thread she can sell her story to take a brake along with all the other sad lonely, chubby, plane, older women who can't work out why the 30 year old sexy toyboy of their dreams does a runner when he has a passport, work visa and their cash.

dittany · 22/03/2009 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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