Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a control freak or is this a perfectly list of things dh could do to help me out perfectly reasonable?

93 replies

MinkyBorage · 19/03/2009 09:08

1)Clean the sink after your morning shave using the cleaning spray and cloth under the sink and ensuring that you have rinsed off all the cleaner and turned the spray nozzle to OFF afterwards
2)Wipe any spills off the toilet seat after use
3) Put the bread away after having breakfast and wipe and put away the chopping board
4) Leave used mugs and cups in the kitchen
5) Ensure that you bike is never left in the hall during the day
6) Tell me what time you need to leave home in the morning half an hour before leaving
7) Ensure that the non slip mat is removed from the bath before you shower
8) Give the bath a quick rinse out after you shower
9) Put your laundry in to the correct laundry basket
10) Empty the bin when it is full, put the full bag in to the wheelie bin and put a clean bag back in the bin
11) Empty the recycling bin when it is full and put the contents directly in to a green bin outside, not the wheelie bin.
12) If there are items on the floor next to the recycle bin, please could you put them outide in the green bins, not the wheelie bin
13) If your orange trug (clean laundry basket) is left on the stairs with your clean clothes in it, please could you take it upstairs and empty it as soon as possible, and leave the empty trug under our bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
MinkyBorage · 19/03/2009 09:09

sorry for thread title, sleep deprivation!

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 09:11

Sorry MB, but that is a bit too muc IMO! Most of the things on it are pretty reasonable, it is just the "having a list" thing that would bother me

Does your dh need a list?

(Also why is he not allowed to use the mat in the shower? I thought they were to stop people falling over in the shower?)

geordieminx · 19/03/2009 09:11

Did you write the list out for him like that?

If so.. sorry control freak - its the sort of list you would write for a 12 year old - not your dh.

staryeyed · 19/03/2009 09:14

It is a bit patronising to have a list of things for him to do. Perhaps write a list of things that you do and ask him what he can help you with.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 19/03/2009 09:14

...... and what's wrong with being a controlfreak exactly??

GrinnyPig · 19/03/2009 09:18

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do most of the things on the list but if I was given a list and point 1 included turning the nozzle on the spray cleaner to OFF after use it would wind me up, sorry.

KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 09:19

nothing....

AlysGriffin · 19/03/2009 09:20

but the point is presumably that if he is NOT doing all these things anyway, he is behaving just like a 12 year old? because these are things that any normal adult would just do without thinking (except maybe the nonslip mat, I don't understand that either!). an adult man not wiping his own piss off the toilet seat? gross, and pathetic.

I wouldn't give him a list though, not likely to get a good response! you need to talk to him. good luck, you've obviously got an uphill task on your hands...

flimflammum · 19/03/2009 09:20

LOL at 'the correct laundry basket'. My DH doesn't know what a laundry basket is.

They are all reasonable requests (except maybe cleaning the bath out every time), but the list comes across as very dictatorial. If you want him to comply, perhaps try friendly jokey sticky notes in the bathroom/kitchen/bin etc?

Good luck!

Original poster
MinkyBorage · 19/03/2009 09:23

I don't know if he needs a list, but he doesn't do any of the above without a list so thought it was worth a try.

Hmm, wondered about the mat in the shower thing, but it's only really for the dc and if dh has a shower without removing it first millions of his chest hairs thread themselves through the little holes in it and it's a pita to clean. My fault for not remembering to remove it the night before I guess. Perhaps I'll take that off.

Staryeyed, I do EVERYTHING, and he works long hours. His only actual job is the bins, so rather than finding other responsibilities which he won't have time or inclination to do properly, I though that it might make life easier if he could clean up after hi9mself a bit more.

contorlfreaky

OP posts:
specialmagiclady · 19/03/2009 09:23

I agree - YANBU to expect him to do those things, but if he really is that much of a slob then you need to think about introducing these tasks one at a time. He simply won't take it all in.

Start with the bins (already Man's Work IYSWIM). Blame it on the council or something - we just got a flyer round about sorting the rubbish. Here's what I do - is that the same as you? Okay, let's do it my way then as that's what the council want.... etc. Oh and by the way, the job's not really done until the clean bag's in the bin.

Then once he's got the hang of that one, get the next one sorted. Etc etc. He was obviously not trained by his mother so I'm afraid you need to do it. But as with children poco a poco.

BTW - the thing with the off switch - YABU. If it's a "the kids will get it and squirt everywhere thing" keep it somewhere else that they can't get to it ie. up high.

TheCrackFox · 19/03/2009 09:24

It is the sort of list a mother would write for her son.

You might have to accept you have married a man who doesn't have an eye for detail and lower your standards.

Original poster
MinkyBorage · 19/03/2009 09:25

Oh OK, is it too much to give the bath a quick rinse? I do it myself automatically, but I've never asked him to do it, and if it#'s not reasonable then really, I guess the less things on this list the better

OP posts:
giantkatestacks · 19/03/2009 09:27

Agree with TheCrackFox - surely you knew what he was like before you married him?

He could clean the toilet though and the sink after he has shaved though - thats fair enough.

morningpaper · 19/03/2009 09:28

I'm a bit

giantkatestacks · 19/03/2009 09:28

Oh and you could frame it that he needs to be seen to be doing stuff like that round the house so that men doing household chores is modelled for the dcs - otherwise they are going to turn out like him...

Original poster
MinkyBorage · 19/03/2009 09:29

specialmagiclady, the bins is his only job, and this has been the case for 3 years, and no amount of talking about it or explaining things works. He put all the recycling in the wheelie bin on Monday, and could live with cardboard and bottles around the inside recyclimg bin indefinitely.
Nowhere else to put the squirty spray. Damn. Wanted that one at least to be reasonable.
Oh bolleaux.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 19/03/2009 09:29

has he never lived on his own?

Beantin · 19/03/2009 09:30

HHhhmmmm.....not unreasonable to expect these things to happen - except perhaps the nozzle thing. However, IME, you have your work cut out with a man to remember to do them all the time without prompting. They are wired so differently

A friend of mine reckoned it is about the way you say it - think she'd read a book about this sort of thing after pulling her hair out wiht hubby. Didn't share it with him, but apparently got results....

When women ask, we tend to say things like 'could you please do xxx' or 'when you have a minute it would be great if you could do xxx'.

Men allegedly respond to more commanding language so her advice was to say things like 'put the bin out' perhaps adding a 'please'? It's something to do with verbs....we say 'could you', they think 'yes, i could'. We say 'put' or 'do' and they think 'ah...do, put, etc'.

Works for me when I remember!

giantkatestacks · 19/03/2009 09:30

minky - sorry to get right down to detail but cant he just clean the sink with a wet wipe? why does he need to faff around with a cloth and some spray?

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 19/03/2009 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 19/03/2009 09:31

he might be soon mp!

KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 09:31

Almost nothing on that list is "too much" Minkey, it is the fact i tis a list that is the problem!

It is perfectly reasonable to rinse the bath but, I would guess, he wasn't ecpected to do it at home and didn't pick up the habit along the way so it doesn't occur to him to do it now.

My suggestion is to sit down with him and ecplain how you ar feeling and that there are a few things he could do that would make you life so much easier and more pleasant!

The saving foam thing, I would start out with just asking him to rinse the sink as all the rest sounds a bit much - work up to it. The shower mat - it would be better to take it out after the bath so it can dry and not go black, that one should be a simple fix.

Try to avoid sounding whiney and stop when you see his eyes start to glaze over. Just tackle little bits at a time and he should get there!

Changing peoples little habits can be a minefield so just take it gently and I am sure you will have it sorted before long

Hassled · 19/03/2009 09:32

I think it's fair enough actually. MB's just stating the bleeding obvious - which is very necessary at times.

The tone is maybe a bit much - if you can somehow rephrase it to seem less like a giant nag and more like a series of friendly requests that might make it more effective.

Original poster
MinkyBorage · 19/03/2009 09:32

of course I knew what he was like before I married him, I'm not going to leave him over this, just would like him to help out just a teensy weensy bit more with clearing up after himself.

MP, why because I'm treating my dh like a 12 yo? , I am very day. I couldn't begin to tell you the things he does.

OP posts: