Am I being a control freak or is this a perfectly list of things dh could do to help me out perfectly reasonable?

[MinkyBorage]

1)Clean the sink after your morning shave using the cleaning spray and cloth under the sink and ensuring that you have rinsed off all the cleaner and turned the spray nozzle to OFF afterwards
2)Wipe any spills off the toilet seat after use
3) Put the bread away after having breakfast and wipe and put away the chopping board
4) Leave used mugs and cups in the kitchen
5) Ensure that you bike is never left in the hall during the day
6) Tell me what time you need to leave home in the morning half an hour before leaving
7) Ensure that the non slip mat is removed from the bath before you shower
8) Give the bath a quick rinse out after you shower
9) Put your laundry in to the correct laundry basket
10) Empty the bin when it is full, put the full bag in to the wheelie bin and put a clean bag back in the bin
11) Empty the recycling bin when it is full and put the contents directly in to a green bin outside, not the wheelie bin.
12) If there are items on the floor next to the recycle bin, please could you put them outide in the green bins, not the wheelie bin
13) If your orange trug (clean laundry basket) is left on the stairs with your clean clothes in it, please could you take it upstairs and empty it as soon as possible, and leave the empty trug under our bed.

Aww, back off you lot! MB is just trying to work through it to get to a solution! There are a lot worse things she could have done! (Little post-it-notes on verything springs to mind )

or a rota

or writing 'WASH ME' on the sink (sister's ex once did that ti her - she was livid)

True

The thing is, to me at least, the whole - he was this way when you married him thing - is not really relevant. I am guessing that they had no dc when they got together and that things have changed a lot since then. It is not unreasonable to expect someone to change and adapt as the situation they are living in changes and adapts. At the beginning I am sure rinsing the sink after he shaved did not seem a big thing but when you ar trying to get a couple of dc washed and dressed in the morning it becomes more of an issue. I don't think it is asking too much of someone to notice that things are different now and change accordingly.

MB has had to change, just imagine if she only did the same amount of washing andironing as when they first got together or the same amount of cooking? Things change, you change with them. If one person doesn't it leaves the other person carrying too much of the load and can lead to resentment and frustration, none of which makes a happy home or marraige.

I think it is relevant though - the sink and toilet things would have driven me just as mad before dc as after and the laundry and cooking thing arent the same as they are not new things just increased amounts of the same thing you were doing already.

Thats very garbled but hopefully you can see what I mean.

I actually agree with LadyBee
As Betadad says men are very forgetful and I don't see why you should have to remember every job and remind your dp to do it everytime when he can just have the info on hand to refer to.
If you start having to remind him everytime that just makes you a nag and you can't win.

To be honest I don't think the list you've mentioned are even that difficult to do and its not unreasonable to expect someone to clean up after themselves a little bit.

I kind of SWYM, but it is different isn't it? Moving from being a batchelor to being in a relatinship is not the same as moving from being in a relationship to being a family? Leaving a dirty toilet with children around is just beyond gross and, I think, a person should be able to see that for themselves really - even if they never wiped a toilet in their life before!

But why would you have put up with it and done it all before you had kids? surely thats a mixed message? Cos you've let it go on for so long without comment...

Thats saying that you dont object to doing it all just because you're a woman - you're only objecting now cos you're workload is so huge.

i think your goal is entirely reasonable... but that it can be reduced to one core message that you can reinforce with rewards and punishment (think pavlov)....

the key message is "take responsibility for yourself, i am not your handmaiden / skivvy / cleaner"

simple and snappy. tell him calmly and clearly that this is what you expect. repeat as often as necessary... if that dont work it's dog training....

Well, I just asked my dh about this (we are sad couple) and he said that his first thought was that you were giving your dh a list of jobs to do, but everything on your list was actually common courtesy. He said he wouldn't mind a list, himself, as he forgets household jobs quite often. (Note to self- write list).

Re the loo thing - I mentioned to my dh and ds1 that I was tired of cleaning wee off the walls (v small toilet room coupled with Niagara Falls-style splash effect) so could they please EITHER wipe down after use OR sit down to wee.Dh now sits down, ds1 wipes after use.

Personally, I'd go with the list, but trim it down a bit. And start with the things that bug you most.

It is not a mixed message - the message is "when it was just us I was happy to do it, now I have actual children to look after so you need to be acting like an adult not a child". This is not a child we are talking about who can get confused by "mixed messages" it is an adult who has the capacity to see, understand and adapt.

The whole "he's just a man, they are so simple" type of argument really gets my back up, they are an adult human being and can be expected to manage the same as any other adult human being!

I've gone on strike before.

So hard to do and petty but then he's pretty good at doing most important things and only needs reminding when I'm snowed under.

Sorry, but I think you are a control freak with a bit of OCD thrown in!

That list reminds me of something students put on the wall in shared houses.

Blokes simply don't think like that I'm afraid - I'm guessing he works and some of the things you describe are symptoms of beeing in a hurry, not disrepsect.

Do you want him to walk around with a clipboard so he can tick off the orders on your checklist?!

Maybe you should have a general chat with him about tidyness before issuing these demands?

Sory to be blunt but you asked for opinions!

But why would you have been happy to clean his wee off the toilet seat when it was just you? why would you ever be happy to do that? [looks confused]

like you didnt mind being a skivvy before but now its unacceptable?

And I dont believe in that simple man thing either...equally if I could get away with not doing any cleaning at all I would...

MinkyBorage - I completely agree that your DH ought to be doing all these things as a matter of course.

However, I think a huge long list is not the way forward.

Keep the list private and train him gently, one item at a time . Men are like dogs - blow jobs chocolate drops were invented for a reason .

I wouldn't Kate, but some people might

It doesnt matter (to me) which way up you turn it - things change, women adapt, men should too. Simple as IMHO!

I don't really see it as a women/men thing at all.
Bonsoir, you are very naughty. Ladies are like dogs too. Lilies or roses work for me

some of those are ridiculous for him to need to be told i.e. wipe piss off the seat.why would anyone think it's ok to leave piss on the seat in the first place?

but others are completely control freaky. i.e. the half hour before he leaves. taking the non-slip mat out. bike not in the hall (depending on space issues). and putting the chopping board away,in my house chopping board is used so often that it gets cleaned after use but it stays out.

i think you need a compromise - if he can live like that why not give it a try.

I know my h would hate a dirty sink - but if i didnt do it he would soon get the message that if he wanted a clean sink he would have to clean it.

Washing though - i dont think my would notice how dirty some of his things got and as for a laundry basket - not a hope.

But then i am useless at loading the dishwasher (according to h), so now he has taken over that one.
But then i think he may have realised i was only being dumb - as everytime he attempts to do washing something happens - rougue red sock, shrinking my stuff...... get the picture.

You have to make him want to do it iyswim. otherwise try and live with lower standards.

But it can be frustrating too - so good luck.

Bonsoir - just mentioned your advice to my wife as a subtle hint. Not well received.

Thank goodness I didn't mention I got the whole idea from a naughty lady in France while chatting over the internet.

spray nozzle to OFF !!

Have a word with yourself

No I don't think you are a control freak. Perfectly reasonable list. If explaining repeatedly doesn't work then why not try a list? Good idea. I like it. Doubt it will work though if my experience of men is anything to go by.

ABetaDad -

I use cheekiness with DH. One evening I went over to him with a look of real concern on my face. I said, "Oh, honey, what's wrong with your legs?"

He was all, "Er - nothing?"

Then I just pointed to his pile of dirty dinner plates sitting on the table in front of him.

I used to give DH a maximum of four things to do on his day off:

1 - drink coffee
2 - scratch balls
3 - clean floor
4 - cook dinner

That way at least I knew two things would get done.

Maybe concentrate on one or two things at a time till they are resolved and ditch the list as it will only drive you potty when if he doesnt do them all and to your standard.