Am I being a control freak or is this a perfectly list of things dh could do to help me out perfectly reasonable?

[MinkyBorage]

1)Clean the sink after your morning shave using the cleaning spray and cloth under the sink and ensuring that you have rinsed off all the cleaner and turned the spray nozzle to OFF afterwards
2)Wipe any spills off the toilet seat after use
3) Put the bread away after having breakfast and wipe and put away the chopping board
4) Leave used mugs and cups in the kitchen
5) Ensure that you bike is never left in the hall during the day
6) Tell me what time you need to leave home in the morning half an hour before leaving
7) Ensure that the non slip mat is removed from the bath before you shower
8) Give the bath a quick rinse out after you shower
9) Put your laundry in to the correct laundry basket
10) Empty the bin when it is full, put the full bag in to the wheelie bin and put a clean bag back in the bin
11) Empty the recycling bin when it is full and put the contents directly in to a green bin outside, not the wheelie bin.
12) If there are items on the floor next to the recycle bin, please could you put them outide in the green bins, not the wheelie bin
13) If your orange trug (clean laundry basket) is left on the stairs with your clean clothes in it, please could you take it upstairs and empty it as soon as possible, and leave the empty trug under our bed.

I think hitting him with a list of 13 bullet points is a bit ambitious... I agree with specialmagiclady to suggest them one at a time.

First off, don't give him a list. It won't get things off to a good start. Really.

Can yuou sit down and talk about this? Maybe say you're finding it hard to keep on top of things and it would be a great help if...

start with a few things - 3 max - pick the most important stuff.

yes do it a bit at a time - think the list is ott. my dh would freak if I presented him with this and would hand me one back headed 1.stop nagging me
maybe say that you need some more help as you are struggling, are there any chores that he feels he could take over?

This is the first week I've mentioned cleaning the sink, and I just asked if he could give it a wipe with a flannel, but whatever he's doing with the flannel isn't working so I though I'd try to make life easier for him by putting some sparay and a cloth under the sink. Hmmm.

MP he did live on his own for years before we moved in, but he's a sort of bigger picture person, he doesn't notice detail, but HATES mess. His old flat was a minimal batchelor pad and he had a cleaner. We're getting a cleaner again, but only once a week, and there are 4 of us making a mess here atm, soon to be 5, and it's a very different ball game.

It just seems a bit infantilising

A bit like "Put pants on before trousers"

TBH if he doesn't NOTICE mess you are onto a loser imo

Or practice a light hearted instructional tone...
"I'm just going for a bath"
"ok, rinse it round when you're done"

said in a light conversational way so it does not sound like a nag or anything!

If you're getting a cleaner, cd you market it as 'tidying up so the cleaner can get the big jobs done'? After all, it's a waste of money to pay someone to do the routine stuff...

yes, OK, point taken. I'll talk to him and go through the things I've mentioned, then see which he thinks he might be able to help with.

I one tried to present DH with a housework rota

older and wiser MNers will be able to tell you how that went

What MP said.

Why on earth MARRY such a slattern if you didn''t want to put up with it?

well if he is someone who hates mess I think that I would just stop doing one area eg the laundry and let him take over. My dh does most of the washing here - his father was ex army and trained him to do shirts military style so hes welcome to that....
It does seem that the domestic systems are ones that you have developed and want him to fall into line with eg trug goes under bed when emptied. Let him do it his way then he feels that it was his choice. With 3 kids he does need to do more but you need to let him do it his way.

I think the list seems long, maybe one thing at a time is the way to go. Wee on loo seat and hairs after shaving should be automatic: leave it the way you would like to find it.

I agree that doing it to 'set a good example for children' is a good plan.

I have a useful point on the 'could you...' vs 'do this...' phrasing. I read that peple are more likely to do things if they have said that they would, so you should always phrase these requests in such a manner that they have to reply that they will. Then if they don't they're not just going against your wishes, but also going against what they have said they will do (and humans like to be consistent). So if you ask 'Will you put the bins out this evening' (in a non-hypothetical manner) and h says 'yes I will' he is much more likely to do it.

moopymoo has a valid point. Perhaps you need to let him take over a specific 'household duty' and let go and leave him do it HIS way. I would give him a choice. Say right these things need doing and I can't do them all so which one will you take over? His choice then and cannot complain then can he.

Didnt you post the other day about him not being able to do any jobs round the house due to special needs? It was something like he couldnt put the recycling in the right bin as his ocd made him think it looked messy?
If he's always been like this and you've always accepted it then perhaps its your nesting instinct kicking in now and you want eveyting perfect?
If he cant cope with the jobs then you'll only wind yourself up more with trying to make him follow a list...

Don't do it!
Having a metal list of all these things you feel he should be doing will drive you mad.
Have a general chat about it instead

You should have married a woman.

i think you need to split them out into things that are

a) disgusting if he doesn't (hairs in sink after shaving, wee on toilet seat) and moan about those.

b) things he is doing but not properly/completely, e.g. bins/recycling. Talk to him about this.

c) things you want him to do your way. e.g. laundry emptied etc.. You probably have to loosen up here and let him find his own way.

My husband does all those things automatically so I do not think UABU to expect your husband to do them. However, not sure a list will help much. He's a grown man in his own house and you probably just have to accept him as he is.

Ok, I'm going to go against the majority here and say, try it. We might find this overbearing or patronising, but actually, some men people like having clear expectations / requests. Rather than 'can you help out a bit more', which is vague and difficult to know what to do, these are specific detailed jobs.

So I'd try it. I'd just revise the list slightly, and don't just hand him the list, sit down and say "there are some specific things it would be helpful if you could please take responsibility for, I've made a list, what do you think about these..."

I think I'd try to make the list no more than 7 items, 10 at the most. I think that 10 (round number) is not too many, but 7 is usually thought of as being the maximum no. of things people can remember. If you want to make a memorable list I'd preface each request with a single word, i.e.

1)WHISKERS.
Clean all your whiskers off the sink after your morning shave. I have put using the cleaning spray and a cloth under the sink.

2)TOILET.
Wipe any spills off the toilet seat after use

3. BREAKFAST.
   Put the bread away after having breakfast and wipe and put away the chopping board (say where)

4. CUPS.
   Leave used mugs and cups in the kitchen

5. BIKE.
   Put your bike away where during the day

6. I wouldn't do the time one...I think you can remember to ask?

7. I'd probably not do the bath mat one either

8. BATH.Give the bath a quick rinse out after you shower

9. LAUNDRY. Put your laundry in to the correct laundry basket

10. BIN.Empty the bin when it is full, put the full bag in to the wheelie bin and put a clean bag back in the bin

11. RECYCLING. Empty the recycling bin when it is full and put the contents directly in to a green bin outside, not the wheelie bin.

12. I think I'd skip the recycling around the floor - you could add it into the one above.

13. TRUG. If your orange trug (clean laundry basket) is left on the stairs with your clean clothes in it, please could you take it upstairs and empty it as soon as possible, and leave the empty trug under our bed.

MinkyBorage - YANBU but for goodness sake I beg you please do not give your DH that as a physical written list - my wife does give me written lists all the time and I am really really good at cleaning, washing and shopping etc and I just do not need that kind of control freakery so it drives me irrationally bonkers and we eventually have a row.

Beantin - my wife uses exactly that tone with me. You are right men's brains are wired differently. There are some days she use that tone a lot and it drives me irrationally bonkers and we eventually have a row.

In general, men are simple creatures and very forgetful. They work much better with nice rewards as positive reinforcement rather than nagging . I would just advise taking away the cookie jar until DH gets the message and when he responds properly just make sure he gets a nice big kiss and a choccie biccie.

It works for me

Blimey moses. That's all I can say.

... or you could take him to dog training classes (sounds like abetadad could recommend a good one)

that's a better idea - do you have a whistle?