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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I really do a bad thing to my friend here? Honesty needed...feeling rubbish

91 replies

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:08

I have known this lovely girl for about 6 yrs, used to work with her and had some good times together. Since we got with our partners we have seen much less but always kept in email touch with he odd call and special occasions. So she is a friend but not close. I am married with DD she is engaged.

I have cancelled on her a few times lately due to general child issues such as illness or no babysitter that kind of thing. Which I know is crap but you have no choice sometimes. So this wk she has her hen do which was planned for ages. She changed the venue last minute to a place which takes me 2 hours to get to and I just can't get a sitter, we are all under the weather and tired and I just can't face that kind of journey into town and back late so I had to cancell. I said I was so sorry but will see her at the wedding have a great night.

She hasn't responded and I suppose she is ped with me. The thing is I wish she would just have understood this is what it is like with a child. I feel rotten but planned to go to the wedding 100%.

However - Shall I still go even if she doesn't resopnd at all to me - there is no point in me going if she is huffy with me - it will be another big effort and expense. I am tired and don't need this drama at this point.
What would you do?

OP posts:

irises · 18/03/2009 12:11

Yes, I think you should go to the wedding. I presume you must be a single mum as you need a sitter, and she should understand that you can't make it to the hen do - a two hour drive each way is going to be a nightmare.

She may not have responded to you backing out of the hen night purely because she's mega busy organising the wedding.

If you don't go to the wedding, it may be the end of the friendship imo.

WinkyWinkola · 18/03/2009 12:13

I think she's totally justified in being hacked off with you if you've cancelled on her so many times. We all know that things come up with kids etc but to let her down 'a few times'?

I think she probably feels she's had enough and has been let down too many times.

You knew this hen do was in the diary - it's not a surprise so I think you have been out of order to cancel on her again and at the last minute.

Perhaps instead of expecting her to understand your parenting issues all the time, you should try to understand that this is an important time for her too?

It doesn't sound like she's giving you any drama either. I think she's probably upset that you don't really think enough of her to go to her hen do. I think she'd be gutted that you even regard her wedding as only a 'big effort and expense' and probably wouldn't want you there anyway if that's your attitude.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:13

No I am not a single mum but DH is working this Saturday.

Yes I fear you are right about not going to the wedding, I just don't want to go if she is pissed off and hasn't got back to me at all by then...

OP posts:

starzzz · 18/03/2009 12:13

Why cant your DH look after your DD while you got to the Hen do?

tootiredtothink · 18/03/2009 12:17

She won't be huffy with you - it's her wedding day!!!

TBH I can understand why she was a little annoyed at you cancelling for her hen night, surely her changing her venue had nothing to do with you not being able to get a babysitter? It sounds to me as if you just couldn't be bothered (not saying you couldn't btw) and it may have come across that way to her too.

If you do value the friendship then go and enjoy her wedding and wish her well - it's costing her to have you there too!

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:17

WW If I can't get a sitter then what do you expect me to do leave DD alone .

I said I felt bad about it. It is an effort and expense for us but of course I want to go to her wedding and see her get married and happy but not if she is angry with me.

OP posts:

BionicEar · 18/03/2009 12:17

I can see why your friend is probably upset, but it also may be that she's caught up in wedding plans and that's why she's not got back to you.

However I can well understand why you didn't want to spend at least 4 hours of a night driving, so think she should be able to understand that too.

Hope you get things sorted.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 18/03/2009 12:18

So you're not going to go to the wedding if she's pissed off with you? She's got every right to be pissed off with you! I don't think you can be arsed and you're trying to wriggle out of being there for your friend at every opportunity.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:19

I can't get a sitter from the time it now needs me to travel there which will be 5pm. Doesn't anyone understand this? I feel worse now.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 18/03/2009 12:20

Oh sorry, Crush. I thought you said the hen do had been in the diary for ages?

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 18/03/2009 12:21

You dont know that she is pissed off with you, she might have notresponded because she is busy and has other things to worry about

Stop worrying and just go to the wedding, if she is a bit peeved she will be even more peeved if you miss the wedding too

SerendipitousHarlot · 18/03/2009 12:21

I shall be honest. Bearing in mind that my hen night/wedding was planned for a year in advance - the couple of friends that didn't bother turning up to the hen night, or one that didn't turn up to the wedding as she was working - I won't forget it.

I can understand why it's too much hassle for you, and it's not like she's your best friend or anything, but I just thought that I'd give my pov

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:22

Obviously I did a really bad thing because I can't get a sitter for my child for the right time. Why on earth has she got "every right" to be pissed off with me when I am in such a difficult situation? oh just forget it.

OP posts:

bananapaddlepop · 18/03/2009 12:22

Can you phone her and apologise or send her a card before the wedding? you definitely should go to the wedding or you're not being much of a friend. IMHO.

thumbwitch · 18/03/2009 12:23

I totally understand - if OP's DH is working on saturday and the original venue was much closer, then no doubt he was due to take care of DD while OP went out. Since venue has now changed to being 2 hours away, DH won't be home in time to look after DD before OP has to leave, so babysitter required.
Doesn't take much to work it out.

As far as the wedding is concerned, I would still go. Your friend is unlikely to be pissed off with you on her big day!

Tillyscoutsmum · 18/03/2009 12:23

Is your dh working all night ? I can see that having to go at 5pm might be a problem and if she has changed the venue at the last minute, then that's not your problem. Is there any way you could join her a bit later once your dh gets back from work

It is difficult with children and sometimes making the effort to go out just seems like too much hassle but I can see why she would be a little bit pissed off. I still think you should go to the wedding though. She'll have far more important things to think about on her wedding day than being huffy with you

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:24

yes it was in the diary but at a different venue. I let her know and was honest.

OP posts:

ItsGrimUpNorth · 18/03/2009 12:24

I think she's got every right to be pissed off because you've let her down a few times already. Don't you think she'd be right to be pissed off? Wouldn't you be?

BitOfFun · 18/03/2009 12:26

I see what you mean, Crush...I would just drop her a cheery e-mail explaining the problem with your dh working and not being able to find a sitter who could put the kids to bed, and wish her well for the wedding, saying how much you are looking forward to it. Don't worry, these things happen

thumbwitch · 18/03/2009 12:26

and another thing - small DC do create problems with keeping appts - a couple of good friends were unable to make it to my wedding due to child sickness at the last minute. She will understand that when she has some.

but do send her something for her hen night to say you're sorry you can't make it but are looking forward to seeing her at the wedding.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:26

Thank you ThumbW for understanding. I will go - I will enjoy it and hope she will understand either way.

I just text her to apologise again. I can do no more.

OP posts:

Stretch · 18/03/2009 12:26

I would be upset with you not going to the wedding, but not a hen night, they are not important IMO. But then, I didn't have a hen night!

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:27

God thank you later responses I feel better now - I was going to cry reading some responses here that were just not how I felt at all!

OP posts:

Babbit · 18/03/2009 12:28

It sounds like you texted her to let her know rather than telephone as you are waiting for her to reply. I think you should ring her. I'd be pissed off if someone texted tbh

KTNoo · 18/03/2009 12:28

So did the change of venue mean you would need to travel further and get a sitter for longer? If that's the case then not your fault. If however the change made no difference to the time you could have arrranged something before, IF you had really wanted to go.

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