Did I really do a bad thing to my friend here? Honesty needed...feeling rubbish

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I have known this lovely girl for about 6 yrs, used to work with her and had some good times together. Since we got with our partners we have seen much less but always kept in email touch with he odd call and special occasions. So she is a friend but not close. I am married with DD she is engaged.

I have cancelled on her a few times lately due to general child issues such as illness or no babysitter that kind of thing. Which I know is crap but you have no choice sometimes. So this wk she has her hen do which was planned for ages. She changed the venue last minute to a place which takes me 2 hours to get to and I just can't get a sitter, we are all under the weather and tired and I just can't face that kind of journey into town and back late so I had to cancell. I said I was so sorry but will see her at the wedding have a great night.

She hasn't responded and I suppose she is ped with me. The thing is I wish she would just have understood this is what it is like with a child. I feel rotten but planned to go to the wedding 100%.

However - Shall I still go even if she doesn't resopnd at all to me - there is no point in me going if she is huffy with me - it will be another big effort and expense. I am tired and don't need this drama at this point.
What would you do?

I have cancelled on her twice in year was just being honest, once when DD had chicken pox, again not because I snubbed her just bad circs.

I said we were not best pals from the op. People have done this to me countless times - I always see where they are coming from especially where children are concerned. When she didn't respond I was concerned she was super mad at me -which I feel is unreasonable since I can't just dump my child- and I wanted some thoughts on if it was still "ok" to go to a wedding at great expense and effort, YES, when the Bride is ped off at you.

I wasn't expecting people to feel so strongly that I did an unspeakably dreadful thing. I said I felt bad and have apologised, but I will say again one last time that I really don't have any alternative but to cancel. Please read my posts - there was a location change that more than doubled the traveling time for me. I don't feel bad anymore, I have done all I can. I will attend her wedding in good faith and hope one day she will see how hard it is to arrange nights out with little ones.

That really is it now, thanks again those who helped me sort it out in my head as it were....

Dear Crush, you haven't done a bad thing. Life happens to everyone, if you are ill, your DCs are ill,it's sods law it will happen when you've said you will see someone,even for their hen do. I am sure your friend would rather see you at her wedding than not, so go and enjoy and don't take any notice of the negative comments.

Exactly, Tiger. Quite honestly, if I had been faced with a 4 hour round trip of an evening just to attend a hen night then I would have definitely not been able to find a babysitter.

Hope it all works out for you

I felt bad for not going to a childhood friend's wedding because it was no kids and my 1 yo dd's 1st birthday...it happens and you have to make decisions around what you can and can't do - but me and dh did take them out for a meal in advance to wish them luck and I hope this helped to show our hearts were in the right place.

Sorry It'sGrim I thought you didn't have children from your post. My mistake and I apologise.

But two hours away that is a big deal, even if you're child free. Especially for a glorified piss up.

Anyway, even if you did have child care organised, the sitter could let you down at the last minute.

Jeez, some of you are being plain nasty about this.

Crush, it's fine. You've got kids, she doesn't. We all know how knackering it is.

It'll work itself out, for better or worse. I didn't go to my cousin's wedding for the very same reason.

He hasn't spoken to me since, but I'm cool with that. He wanted me to travel up to Lancashire, with a three year old, for the reception only, which started at seven and involved a loud band.

I hardly see the OP as in anyway inflammatory, or inviting of pointless, bitchy comments.

crush, you cant feel and about it if she changed the venue at the last minute, and it means you have childcare issues

you have told her you cant make it and apologised, which is all you can do

the wedding is more important than the hen night, and i assume it wasnt just you and her on the tiles, so if she isnt close friend i wouldnt worry too much about it

she is probably just busy with the run up

feel bad

Crush, has she got back to you and is she ok with it?
If not, don't worry about it - she is probably just too busy - I had a few "can't come" email responses for DS's christening but I really had too much on to send back any "Oh, that's ok, never mind, you'll be missed blah blah" replies to them.

Thanks guys, was beginning to think I was a really bad person lol! no she hasn't got back but I have said my piece so hey, we will see. x

I still think the way some posters are going on about "letting her down" in relation to not going out to get pissed with a friend really funny....

Don't worry too much, as soon as she has kids she will realise the truth! that the age of fun social times and changing plans at the drop of a hat is OVER!!! cackle cackle.

You said you let her down twice in a year, that is barely anything, I wouldn't worry. it will blow over. I remember not understanding before I had kids why people made such a song and dance, oh how I regret it now!!!

I think people get really funny and caught up in weddings, it's usually the most important thing in the world to them for about a year and they expect it to be so for everyone else. I for one really loathe hen nights with this insistence nowadays on a spa hotel, expensive dinners, cocktails etc. I never have that sort of money to spare and if I did I wouldn't want to spend it on a night when I only know one person (the Bride) and barely get to talk to her because her 10 other best friends are there. But then I am just a grumpy old woman about these things!

The OP hasn't done anything wrong, she can't help the venue change, and you know what, I'd be relieved to have a valid excuse not to go.

update - she did get back to me.

I can tell she was disappointed but she was OK with me about it and understood not pissed off at all!!!. I will send her some champers tomorrow and defo go to the wedding YAAAYYY

thats good to hear

Good news

and fwiw, I don't think anyone on here was particularly nasty or bitchy and I'm sorry if it came across that way. For some people (including me!) hen nights are a big deal, and driving 1-2 hours is pretty normal to keep in touch with friends. Plus, your op saying you'd cancelled a 'few' times initially did sound like you do let her down a lot.
So I don't think it's particularly nasty or bitchy to give you that point of view - especially given that you asked for 'honest' opinions

Each to their own and all that

Enjoy the wedding!