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Original poster

Did I really do a bad thing to my friend here? Honesty needed...feeling rubbish

91 replies

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:08

I have known this lovely girl for about 6 yrs, used to work with her and had some good times together. Since we got with our partners we have seen much less but always kept in email touch with he odd call and special occasions. So she is a friend but not close. I am married with DD she is engaged.

I have cancelled on her a few times lately due to general child issues such as illness or no babysitter that kind of thing. Which I know is crap but you have no choice sometimes. So this wk she has her hen do which was planned for ages. She changed the venue last minute to a place which takes me 2 hours to get to and I just can't get a sitter, we are all under the weather and tired and I just can't face that kind of journey into town and back late so I had to cancell. I said I was so sorry but will see her at the wedding have a great night.

She hasn't responded and I suppose she is ped with me. The thing is I wish she would just have understood this is what it is like with a child. I feel rotten but planned to go to the wedding 100%.

However - Shall I still go even if she doesn't resopnd at all to me - there is no point in me going if she is huffy with me - it will be another big effort and expense. I am tired and don't need this drama at this point.
What would you do?

OP posts:

Simplysally · 18/03/2009 12:29

I think you should make the effort to get to the wedding even if the hen night is out of the question, practically speaking. She wouldn't have invited you if she didn't want you there but she would be very hurt if you don't go to either. Any chance your dh could leave work early or take time off to enable you to get out?

Socialising with non-parents once you have children does take more effort but it's something we have to do.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:29

I didn't tell her with the text - she can't pick up at work everything is done on email.

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 18/03/2009 12:29

Crush, I think you should go to the wedding. I do not think you should feel bad about missing things. I know I am knackered since having kids and going out takes a massive amount of energy. Hen nights are crap anyway.
If your friend is disappointed, she should say so and not huff like a little girl. I can't stand people who do that!

Simplysally · 18/03/2009 12:29

Ah sorry for repeating everyone else.... slow typer!!

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 12:30

I think you have let her down, but last-minute change to the hen night venue can't be helped - if you can't go you can't go. Can you spend (some of) the money you would have spent on the night to send some flowers or a bottle of fizz to her at the new venue? With a 'wish I was there' message?

As to previous occasions, well, within a few years she'll probably have a DC of her own, and will start to see what the fuss is about. Go to the wedding, keep the friendship going, have a lovely time

KingCanuteIAm · 18/03/2009 12:32

Crush, it would be fair enough if it were a one off, however, you do seem to be saying this happens a fair bit and, as you don't see each other much anyway I am guessing it would work out to a fair %age?

I would go with the card and appology and go to the wedding, the last thing you wnt is to taint her wedding day by not turning up surely?

Wizzska · 18/03/2009 12:37

Crush, it was a shame you couldn't go to the hen do but hey, that's life. Go to the wedding and hopefully you can find a way to make it up to her. Can you email her again and suggest a way to make up for not making the hen do? Take her out for a meal or something. Hopefully then she'll realise you still value the friendship, or what DreadPirate said.

wannaBe · 18/03/2009 12:48

but this isn't about you not going to her hen night is it? It's about you cancelling on her at the last minute, again. Imagine this post in the opposite:

"I have been friends with this girl for about six years now. We used to be in touch a lot, but she got married and had a baby and now we don't see each other that much. We hav eorganized to get together a few times but she always cancels at the last minute. Anyway, I'm getting married next week and my hen night has been arranged for a year. I had to change the venue, and as soon as I did my friend said she wouldn't be able to come any more. I understand that things do come up but it seems like it's every time with her. I'm just starting to get a bit pissed off with it all."

SerendipitousHarlot · 18/03/2009 13:01

Good post wanneBe

chuffinell · 18/03/2009 13:02

5 pm is not a good time for people with small children, neither is a 4 hour drive. i totally sympathise with you, and would find it difficult too.

hopefully she will have forgotten all about it by the wedding day and will understand more if she does go on to have kids

PersephoneSnape · 18/03/2009 13:07

I'd invite her and her fiancee for dinner in your house prior to the wedding if it's not too near. I'd go to the wedding anyway. hope you do and have a lovely time.

piratecat · 18/03/2009 13:07

could you not go to the new venue but turn up later? Let her know you are hoping to do that? I(f it was me i'd be really pleased, that you had been able to make it. Her hen night is important to her, and i nkow that it is really hard with the childcare, and then they get ill, but ont his occasion, it might be great to meet and catch up. Positive thinking and all that!!

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 13:09

Whoah - hold on a minute! She changed to venue of the hen night at the last minute, which meant a 2 hour journey for the OP. I wouldn't want to spend 2 hours travelling to any do at night time.

Wizzska's suggestion was a good one - write to her and apologise and ask her if you can treat her to a meal. It can be difficult if you have children, they get ill and you can't get a sitter - she'll understand when she has some of her own.

For what it's worth, I think you've had a pretty hard time from some of the posters on here. A true friend will understand - I know mine do when I have to cancel, as do I when they have to back out of something.

Baffy · 18/03/2009 13:24

I don't think you've done a 'really bad thing', but as wannabe's post shows, try to look at it from her point of view. She will want you there.

Given that you mentioned that you've already cancelled on her a few times, you must realise that you've done it a lot.

If you can't get a babysitter from 5, but can get one from 7, then why not just go at 7. Yes you may miss some of the night, but you will have made a massive effort, you can be there for and hour or two to celebrate with her, and friends really appreciate that on important occasions.

(For all you know, you may be the last in a line of people who are cancelling or letting her down at the last minute.)

If you have a babysitter, then go for the hours you can make. Unless that is, that you are just making excuses and really can't be bothered with the effort and expense regardless. In which case she probably does have a right to be a bit fed up with you.

Sorry. Don't want that to be harsh. But as hard as things are when you have children, friends are important too. And weddings and hen do's are pretty significant times that friends want to celebrate together.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 14:36

Thank you those who gave a reasoned response to me. I appreciate what you have said. I do think some people get a kick out of making others feel shitty on here, I said I felt rotten about this in my op but don't see how I can leave DD on the doorstep

I did preface this by saying we have not been the closest of friends, and I have cancelled twice out of 1 year, albeit things I had arranged. I have been kind of fueling the contact with her but I like her, she came to my hen do and wedding and I planned to do the same.
I suppose it does sound like I can't be bothered, and if that means traveling 2 hours both ways to have one drink which is all I would be able to do then I guess I am. I can't tell her where to have the do I know London is the place to have these get togethers but when you live out in the sticks it is bloody hard to get transport and you have to end up leaving at 10 to get the last train home. Boring I know but my reality.

I like the suggestion of sending a bottle of champ to her, however now I have sent 2 long apologetic emails and I text msg and nothing back. If I hear nothing shall I still go ahead and send it or does that seem a bit weird?

I have decided I am still going to the wedding but will feel a bit wary if she doesn't respond at all....

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 14:51

Rather than emailing and texting, I think (for what it's worth again!) it would be better to pick up the phone and speak to her. Emails etc can sound as if you're taking the easy way out by not facing her (not that I think you've done anything criminally wrong), but speaking to her will help clear up any ill feeling, if there is any.

QuintessentialShadow · 18/03/2009 14:54

Call her and explain. The onus is not on her to get back to you. It is on YOU to apologize profusely.

Greyclay · 18/03/2009 15:11

She has already apologized profusely.

CWE - for what it's worth, I think this is just a case of friends being at "slightly different stages in life" and, IMO, you have already done your penance by apologizing, you SHOULD go to the wedding and your friend can feel p'd off at you but I guarantee she will look back on this with a fresh perspective once she has children of her own. But in all honesty, she doesn't have to "get it" right now and she probably won't. That's just the way it is sometimes and there is no right or wrong about it.

People have entirely unrealistic expectations of each other sometimes. One person's life priorities does not have to be equal to another's.

A phone call certainly wouldn't hurt but don't flagellate yourself too much. Do what you can as her friend as best as you can and be at peace with it.

I too like the idea of champers.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 15:19

I have noted she does not accept calls at work and will not pick up.

I HAVE APOLOGISED PROFUSELY fgs I am missing a hen do through no fault of my own, what do you want, blood?

thank you Grey that makes lots of sense, she may not "get" it until later you are right....

OP posts:

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 15:22

It's funny I have heard on here so many times people say - give her a break maybe she has a lot on, or is feeling low, don't make her feel bad etc when they say they are psed off a friend has cancelled. Not so on here for me and I mean that in good humour..

OP posts:

BlackEyedDogstar · 18/03/2009 15:27

go to the wedding in a hairshirt!

no don't.

I think she needs to accept that a late shift of venues might cause travel difficulties for some of her guests. I wouldn't want to shlep about for 4 hours to celebrate with a teensy glass of cava, so you're not alone. Anyway you can't make it so it's just too bad.

BitOfFun · 18/03/2009 15:29

You must come across as being a seasoned MNer with the hide of a rhino, Crush

RubyrubyrubyHareb · 18/03/2009 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 15:33

well it has been 3 years now after all!

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 18/03/2009 15:45

I don't really understand why everyone is being quite so horrid on OP.

"Letting her down..." etc. She's only said she can't go and get pissed on a hen night, ffs - she's not refused to visit her while she's dying in hospital!!!

CWE, can't you ring your mate when she's not at work to have a proper chat and explain it all? If she can't pick up at work, that is?

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