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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I really do a bad thing to my friend here? Honesty needed...feeling rubbish

91 replies

CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 12:08

I have known this lovely girl for about 6 yrs, used to work with her and had some good times together. Since we got with our partners we have seen much less but always kept in email touch with he odd call and special occasions. So she is a friend but not close. I am married with DD she is engaged.

I have cancelled on her a few times lately due to general child issues such as illness or no babysitter that kind of thing. Which I know is crap but you have no choice sometimes. So this wk she has her hen do which was planned for ages. She changed the venue last minute to a place which takes me 2 hours to get to and I just can't get a sitter, we are all under the weather and tired and I just can't face that kind of journey into town and back late so I had to cancell. I said I was so sorry but will see her at the wedding have a great night.

She hasn't responded and I suppose she is ped with me. The thing is I wish she would just have understood this is what it is like with a child. I feel rotten but planned to go to the wedding 100%.

However - Shall I still go even if she doesn't resopnd at all to me - there is no point in me going if she is huffy with me - it will be another big effort and expense. I am tired and don't need this drama at this point.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 16:06

Thank the lord PM, some comments I just thought well what do you want me to do with DD?? -

yes I will try x

OP posts:
Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 16:14

and I would love to know what they would have done in this situation. I feel bad about it but Jesus it wasn't malicious or purposeful.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 16:24

MN can be unhelpful sometimes...anyway over and out

OP posts:
WowOoo · 18/03/2009 16:27

Think you've done all you can now and she will understand at some point.
Def go to the wedding and enjoy. If not, shall I go instead of you please? I LOVE weddings

LittleOtik · 18/03/2009 16:38

I wouldn't give a hoot if one of my friends cancelled a hen night on me with a valid reason such as yours.

However you should defintiely go to the wedding if you can - I would be really annoyed if a friend cancelled coming to my wedding at the last minute - she's presumably catered for you apart from anything else? And she will be so pleased to see you on her big day if it's been a long time.

Oh and if you can't go can I be WowOoo's date?

Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 18/03/2009 16:42

LOL I will go now - I have bought a frock and everything! If she is still cross i will just get pissed and have fun anyway xx

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 18/03/2009 17:58

Hold on, Crush. You said you'd cancelled a few times on her in the past and that her hen do was planned for ages but you'd binned it at the last minute.

And you said you weren't going to go to the wedding because it was effort and expense even though she invited you and even though presumably you'd already accepted?

To me that's out of order however unavoidable because you've let her down a few times. You did ask for opinions. You can't be annoyed that other people disagree with you and give their opinions when you asked for them.

Polony · 18/03/2009 19:39

Puppymonkey everyone is horrid on here because they're a bunch of cowards with nothing better to do than find someone they can lay into who is unlikely to ever know who they are. Do any of you have any real friends? Or do you just trawl MN looking for people to put down?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 18/03/2009 20:00

Eh? An honest opinion was sought and honest opinions were given. Nothing nasty was said.

If you don't like it, you shouldn't ask for opinions because you're not necessarily going to hear what you like.

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 20:15

Well, fortunately, most of us gave a reasoned opionion, so hopefully she's not feeling too bad - because there is no need whatsoever to feel as if she's got to wear a hairshirt!

She didn't say she wasn't going to the wedding because it was an effort and an expense. She said that "there is no point in me going if she is huffy with me - it will be another big effort and expense", which it will be. Weddings cost a fortune to go to, and if the bride is unhappy with her and doesn't want her there, then there is no point is going to that effort and expense.

helena99 · 18/03/2009 20:17

If the OP had said "She changed the venue last minute to a place which takes me 2 hours to get to" then she would have got sympathy. But tacking "I just can't get a sitter, we are all under the weather and tired and I just can't face that kind of journey" showed that she doesn't really want to go and was relieved to have a valid excuse.

The comment about the wedding being "another big effort and expense" is also weird.

Do you actually like this person or not?

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 20:29

OK - she's not feeling well. Tick for my sympathy. The journey is 2 hours each way and I can't face that journey - ditto tick. I can't get a babysitter - ditto tick (I'm having a 40th party in a weeks time - those who can't get a babysitter are not on my huff list). The wedding is a big effort and expense - ditto tick. If the bride is angry at me and doesn't want me there I'd rather not go to that effort and expense - tick tick tick.

Seems reasonable to me.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 18/03/2009 20:31

And all the other times she's let her friend down? Tick? That would be why the friend could be annoyed? Except that she's might not be because she could be that sort of person who just doesn't mind being let down a lot.

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 20:39

She's cancelled twice in one year! Hardly "all the other times", or "being let down a lot"

Janos · 18/03/2009 20:41

Actually it's bloody hard to do just about anything when you have don't have free child care to hand (lots of us don't) and you do have to plan things ages in advance...and the slightest change in plans can snarl things up.

C'est la vie.

Not attending a hen night is hardly friendship crime of the century, is it?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 18/03/2009 20:42

The OP said 'a few times' originally. How many times is it acceptable to let people down? Oh, I'll understand when I have children. Right.

Anyway, clearly the OP doesn't really feel bad about it because otherwise she wouldn't get shirty with posters who say she should feel bad.

Ergo, what's the point in her posting?

Janos · 18/03/2009 20:49

Don't you have children It'sGrimUpNorth?

Thing is, if no-one else is available to look after them..well..you have to. That's the deal! No way around that one.

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 20:49

And then she explained that it was only twice in one year!

What's the point of a lot of posts on MN?

helena99 · 18/03/2009 20:58

It's the strange way she is phrasing things eg "of course I want to go to her wedding and see her get married and happy but not if she is angry with me."
Shouldn't it be "I want to go to her wedding and see her get married and happy. How do you think I should go about contacting her before then and making sure that we are still OK as friends and there is no ill-feeling on the day."

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 21:00

Perhaps it's just the way it's phrased? Nothing more?

Janos · 18/03/2009 21:00

If it was me in this situation, I'd probably send a card saying something along the lines of 'Really sorry I can't make it, really looking forward to seeing you at the wedding'.

Obviously a bit more sophisticated than that mind you.

tiredsville · 18/03/2009 21:03

Blimey what a bloody commotion. I agree with Paolosgirl.
Sorry kids get ill, babysitters cancel last minute, thats life!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 18/03/2009 21:06

I have children. Erm, but if I had plenty of notice, like say a month, I think I'd be able to organise a baby sitter. Oh yeah, the venue was changed to two hours away. Or something.

I just think the OP doesn't want to go to the hen night and isn't that bothered about letting her friend down. Again. Which is fine, up to her but if she asks for opinions, she's going to get them.

Also, I find the "Oh you'll understand when you've got children," thing really is often a disguise for "I'm a bit tired. Can't really be arsed so I'll just cancel and all that." Which is fine too but people are going to get hacked off with it. Whether they have children or not. Obviously it depends on the occasion - a playdate, no, it's not reasonable but a long standing arrangement that is significant to the other person, I can understand why someone might be upset about being let down.

And a hen night might not be important to some people but to others it's a big deal. You can't assume it's not important just because you might hate them or not think much to them.

paolosgirl · 18/03/2009 21:10

I wouldn't want to travel 4 hours in one evening for a glass of wine! Can't imagine many people would...esp. if the venue has been changed at the last minute.

madwomanintheattic · 18/03/2009 21:12

sitters.co.uk

i use them for last minute can't get a babysitter drama. it takes all the hassle out of babysitting angst.

not for everyone, but as i leave my kids at school without knowing the teachers, i'm happy that their sitters are crb checked etc, and so far it has been fine. after a couple of times you can request a specific sitter if they are available. last minute requests (yes hours) can sometimes be met.

having driven back from all sorts of places in the middle of the night/ morning lol, i think it's a personal decision, but i think i would have gone. and i'd have been furious that dh agreed to work on the one night i'd booked to go out, or that he hadn't taken a day's leave if he was scheduled to work.

but in the grand scheme of things, you don't see her very often any more anyway, so probably just one of those things.