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Original poster

Hate DH's mean attitude to DC's friends

99 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 14:22

I should say DH is generally lovely but his attitude to the DC's
playdates drives me mad.

He often works from home so is around when our DCs (5 and 7) have
friends around. He has his own study so can shut himself away and not
get involved. However he is paranoid about whether it is my "turn" to
host the playdate. I have explained to him that while I am a SAHM with
school age kids, most of the DC's friends mothers work pt or ft and/or
also have babies/toddlers, therefore it is easier for me to have DC's
friends for tea, etc so if he wants our DCs to have friends over will
have to accept they will more often be at ours. He doesn't seem to
appreciate this and it annoys him to the extent that last night he
looked at what I was giving the DC and DS's friend for tea and asked
whether our DC's got "decent food like that at their friends houses" (it
was home made chicken nuggets, oven chips and green beans followed by
icecream ffs) and was then going on about whether we got "quid pro quo"
re playdates.

He is also petty about me giving lifts to the DC's friends as again
feels not sufficiently reciprocated to the extent that on the way back
from DS's birthday party went mad (with me obv, not child) saying I do
too much etc because we were taking one of DS's friends home and his mum
was not back from work when we dropped him off and so we had to take him
home for 5 minutes before his mum arrived to collect him.

I know this is a such a small whinge compared to the terrible problems some MNetters
have with their partners but so stupid to have to feel tense every time
I tell DH "X" or "Y" is coming for tea after school. Not sure why this
situation provokes such strong feelings for DH?

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 14:33

Your husband is being entirely reasonable. Me and my wife both hate playdates and do not see them as a positive thing.

People just use them to openly blag free childcare and your DH is right to expect and monitor exact reciprocation. We use professional childcare after school clubs and holiday clubs. We pay and think others should do the same.

To be honest I suspect there are people who know you are both at home and deliberately target you. I especially hate the scramble to get playdates fixed in the lead up to half-term and full term holidays.

It happened to us a lot and we put a stop to it as me and my wife both work at home. Your DH is also being disturbed in his work at home an dthat is not fair.

I also question whether our kids get decent food at other people's houses as your DH does.

Frankly, I can see why he is getting annoyed and he has my (and my wife's) full support.

OrmIrian · 06/03/2009 14:35

Your DH is being mean.

I can see it disturbs him at work and maybe cutting back on the frequency might help. But the food and reciprocation thing is nasty.

jeminthecity · 06/03/2009 14:36

Ooh, you sound a bit mean!

Round our way there is a lot of give and take- sometimes I feed children, sometimes my friends do. I don't think anyone knowingly takes the piss, but this is only my experience.

jeminthecity · 06/03/2009 14:37

Sorry, that was in response to ABetterDad.

to the OP- Perhaps your DH will change his tight-arsedness as yourr DCs get older? Or perhaps he is just a meanie.

WilyWombat · 06/03/2009 14:39

Hes being an arse. Its not a competition to see who does the most playdates or the quality of the catering...its about encouraging friendship.

Im sure you are bright enough to notice if any of the mums start taking the P and using you as free childcare.

I guess its difficult if he works from home but surely playdates only happen after school or during the holidays so it cant disrupt his working week too much

edam · 06/03/2009 14:41

Your dh may be lovely in many ways, but on this topic he's extremely mean. He's not your boss! You are the one giving lifts and hosting play dates, not him.

Does he have any friends of his own? Is he the sort of person who quibbles about restaurant bills - 'oh, I only had a vegetarian starter and one glass of wine' kind of thing?

Children need to spend time with their friends just as much as adults do, if not more. If YOU are happy looking after your dcs' friends then tell him to keep his nose out. He can start carping and criticising when he's the one doing the work.

ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 14:49

Playdates are actually just a part of the whole playground mummy clique thing which so many people seem to say they dislike on the 'Making Friends in the Playground' thread today.

DaddyJ · 06/03/2009 14:50

Is this a recent issue? He might be feeling the economic chill.

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 14:51

ABetaDad I want my DC's to have fun with their friends and am in a good position to have their friends round. I don't think I am am exploited in any way by my DCs friends parents. I plan to go back to work pt soon so the situation will be different then.

OP posts:
100yearsofsolitude · 06/03/2009 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FatFree · 06/03/2009 15:09

I've got a very considerate OH who just does a headcount when he comes in

If its an evening when i'm off to work, he's happy to cook for the guests and take them home afterwards.

Our house is very open to our kids friends and it really doesnt take a lot to chuck a bit of extra food on. We have impromptu sleepovers and our friends are a fantastic emergency support network too.

Abetadad, i think its quite sad to have the attitude to playdates (argh dont you just hate that term!!), that you do, but each to their own.

ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 15:23

KamR - why will the situation be different when you go back to work?

ForeverOptimistic · 06/03/2009 15:30

I can see where your husband is coming from. Just because you are a SAHM it doesn't mean that you should host the majority of playdates. If your husband works from home it must be a real PITA if there are always lots of children making noise I think you should cut back on the amount of play dates that you are hosting.

When dh is working from home I never have children around even if it means cancelling a prearranged playdate but then ds's friends can be particularly naughty one of his friends tried to chop my legs off whilst I was panfrying the meatballs.

2shoes · 06/03/2009 15:38

I don't think your DH is being mean, maybe he thinks the other parents are taking advantage of you, tbh it sounds like it is your "turn" a bit more than it should be.

MrsMattie · 06/03/2009 15:40

What a tight arse, in all senses of the word.

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 15:50

Thanks for all the replies, its interesting how many of you think my DH is not being unreasonable (forgot the acronym), just shows you should never go on MN if you just want people to agree with you .

ABetaDad it will be different when I go back to work because I won't be home some nights to host playdates (Fatfree yes, such a silly formal term, when I was a kid I just "had friends to play"...) and will be generally busier trying to fit chores, activities etc into less time.

OP posts:
edam · 06/03/2009 16:01

ABetaDad, did you never have friends to play when you were a child? Do you never spend time with friends now?

Just wondering why you are so hostile to having children round. OK, I can see it might be irritating if one family always expect you to host their children rather than taking turns, but your attitude sounds extreme. Feel very sorry for your kids if they never have their friends round to play.

edam · 06/03/2009 16:02

(Don't listen to the ones on your dh's side, Kam - I work from home and STILL manage to host playdates without turning into a miserable old bag!)

squilly · 06/03/2009 17:19

I'm a SAHM with a one and only dd and I love having kids round to play. DH, however, isn't quite so keen and does worry that I get taken advantage of. I think that might be your husband's worry here, as well as the fact that he's getting disturbed.

I've explained to my dh that I like having kids round (it's like having a surrogate brood seeing as I was only able to have one child) and now the kids are 7/8 they play so nicely together and are no bother at all. I always try to make sure we have playdates on the days when dh isn't around, or I make sure the kids stay upstairs and away from DH!

I usually feed the kids pizza or pasta, but we have sleepovers during the hols and I might roast them a chicken with all the trimmings instead. I'm lucky enough that my dd has a best friend who also has a SAHM so we tend to juggle the kids and their mutual friends between them.

I'd try to figure if the problem is that the kids are disturbing him; he's worried about the money being spent on meals; or whether he's more worried that you're being used. It could just be concern???

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/03/2009 17:22

he does sound a bit mean BUT are you sure you are not being taken advantage of? It sounds a bit like it to me.

Uriel · 06/03/2009 17:29

Are you sure your Dh is not just more of a private person than you are? Some people are just more sociable and love having lots of kids around. Others don't like it and don't feel comfortable with it.

Maybe he feels his home and work space is invaded too often? How often do you have kids round to play?

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 18:15

I think the nub of it is that DH feels me/we are taken advantage if all playdates are not 50/50. I would rather that the DCs have friends to play rather than them be sat in splendid isolation waiting to be "invited back".

Uriel this week DS and DD both had a friend over (on different nights). This is about average.

OP posts:
Qally · 06/03/2009 18:19

Playdates are about the kids, not the parents. YANBU.

ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 18:25

KamR - I suspect that when you go back to work the playdate invites will dry up. Your DH wil be happier and especially if he feels that people are taking advantage of you.

Bottom line is that if you are not around to provide playdates they will move on to someone else.

edam - of course I have friends but this is not about friendship. Its about blagging free childcare as KamR will discover when she goes back to work the 'friends' will suddenly be less friendly.

I already started a long thread on this several weeks ago and got a lot of flack so I will not go on.

lalalonglegs · 06/03/2009 18:42

I think your dh (and ABetaDad) are very odd: unless invitations are hugely unbalanced, then the attitude that you can only have someone over if you are certain that the date will be reciprocated is very old-fashioned and rather unsympathetic. Some people don't feel comfortable allowing relative strangers into their homes - it doesn't mean their children are less worthy of friendship; other people work strange hours which means it's difficult to accommodate having someone over after school or at the weekend. If you're out-going and the children that visit are well-behaved, I don't see the problem - a couple of fishfingers aren't going to bankrupt you. It's nice to teach them hospitality rather than this niggardly nugget-counting.

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