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Original poster

Hate DH's mean attitude to DC's friends

99 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 14:22

I should say DH is generally lovely but his attitude to the DC's
playdates drives me mad.

He often works from home so is around when our DCs (5 and 7) have
friends around. He has his own study so can shut himself away and not
get involved. However he is paranoid about whether it is my "turn" to
host the playdate. I have explained to him that while I am a SAHM with
school age kids, most of the DC's friends mothers work pt or ft and/or
also have babies/toddlers, therefore it is easier for me to have DC's
friends for tea, etc so if he wants our DCs to have friends over will
have to accept they will more often be at ours. He doesn't seem to
appreciate this and it annoys him to the extent that last night he
looked at what I was giving the DC and DS's friend for tea and asked
whether our DC's got "decent food like that at their friends houses" (it
was home made chicken nuggets, oven chips and green beans followed by
icecream ffs) and was then going on about whether we got "quid pro quo"
re playdates.

He is also petty about me giving lifts to the DC's friends as again
feels not sufficiently reciprocated to the extent that on the way back
from DS's birthday party went mad (with me obv, not child) saying I do
too much etc because we were taking one of DS's friends home and his mum
was not back from work when we dropped him off and so we had to take him
home for 5 minutes before his mum arrived to collect him.

I know this is a such a small whinge compared to the terrible problems some MNetters
have with their partners but so stupid to have to feel tense every time
I tell DH "X" or "Y" is coming for tea after school. Not sure why this
situation provokes such strong feelings for DH?

OP posts:
noonki · 07/03/2009 14:57

Dizietsma - I no longer need to post as you said it so well.

My best childhood memories are mainly running about with my friends.

FatFree · 07/03/2009 16:08

I remember growing up, with my mates just following me home from school and mum asking "so who's staying and who wants feeding!"

I think that is why i am the same way with my kids friends. My daughters had another one of their impromptu sleepovers last night which i only found out about when i came in at 3am after a night on the piss

My 5yr old son had been invited to his friends and had been taken to pizza hut! It wasnt a birthday or any kind of occasion, just him going to his mates to play and his mates mum deciding to take him out

I dont keep a tally of whos turn it is, which is ridiculous! Just go with the flow and be happy that your child (and you) have a good circle of friends

sobanoodle · 07/03/2009 16:53

With the majority here. Yes of course I'd notice, and have, if people start to use playdates in a childcare sort of sense with no reciprocity whatsoever, but after 10 yrs of having children over/ my 4 being invited over, really it's true that 90% of parents are just being friendly hospitable and sociable and teaching their children how to run a social life - different of course when they hit their teens and can do more for themselves !

And it certainly doesn't have to be niggardly my turn/your turn hospitality - I definitely go with the flow and so do most others. After a school run mum has had a baby for eg there's an unwritten rule that her older dc/s will get invited to a few "extra" playdates. What goes around certainly comes around and my dcs have certainly been treated to that sort of kindness. Similarly I have done the same - not usually with the same families obviously - it's more a community spirit and nobody's counting...

thirtysomething · 07/03/2009 17:07

Lots of great posts on here. I do host lots of "playdates" and my children rarely get invited elsewhere. Basically i think because other parents are even busier than we are - occasionally maybe it's because they just don't like having kids round, but for me that's not a reason not to let my kids have their friends round.

i can only control how I behave in relation to my kids, not how their friends' parents behave. i want to teach my kids generosity, social skills, and the ability to compromise. They put all this into practice when friends come round and I don't give a stuff what they eat at other people's houses if they are ever invited out. the main thing is to model appropriate and mature behaviour and as another poster said all this "nugget-counting" ain't going to help them grow into generous and compassionate adults is it!!!

prettyfly1 · 07/03/2009 17:16

oMG - i LOVE having my sons friends over and I dont mind him going there. What an utterly miserly git your dh is - seriously. It doesnt matter what the parents think - its about the kids. My son loves it therefore I do.

ABetaDad · 07/03/2009 17:31

Merrylegs - I am nothing, if not dependable and consistent in my views.

Some women like that in a man

Nighbynight · 07/03/2009 17:50

Abetadad, I must say when I saw this thread title, I thought your dw had joined mumsnet!

ABetaDad · 07/03/2009 18:03

Lets just say that if my wife joined mumsnet - you would know about it!

Her views on cloth nappies, natural childbirth, extended breast feeding, play dates and the like would not go down at all well and I would sound reasonable in comparison.

One of her clients once gave her £5 and said "Thats for your husband - I want to buy him a drink because I feel sorry for him".

Most men are terrified of her.

seeker · 07/03/2009 22:22

So, abetadad - do your children never have friends to play?

piscesmoon · 07/03/2009 22:53

I think having DCs friends to tea and child care are two very different things. If they want friends back it doesn't matter if you don't know the parents and it doesn't matter if they don't invite your DCs back. You are doing it for your DCs. Childcare is when a parent asks you, as a favour to look after their DC and you hope that as you did a favour they will return it, if you are in need. Nothing like the same.

sobanoodle · 07/03/2009 22:58

ABetaDad,

Following on from your theory that people "want playdates with " your dcs, when you think the back story really is "want free childcare" from you, what would you think about a family who invite your dc/s over in the hope you will reciprocate during a holiday, (scenario you paint) when said family have other children not part of the invitation whom (shock horror) said parents still have to look after during said holiday, thus negating your view that it's all about "childcare" rather than being friendly.

As a parent,if you're on duty for one or 2 or more dcs anyway, is having one of them away at the Beta household really going to make much difference ?

madrose · 07/03/2009 23:11

i teach so get the holidays - yes i help out friends with the occaisional childcare issue during the holidays - l LOVE it. When my DD has a friend over she is SO happy, and I love watching/hearing her play with her friends. I like hosting playdates - because I get to spend time with my DD (ok we might just be in the same house) but I hoping to get her used to having her friends over now - so later on in life when she's a teenager hopefully she'll bring her friends to the house where they will be welcomed so I know where she is, who with and what she is doing.

It's personal choice - and that's mine

edam · 07/03/2009 23:32

ABetaDad - apparently there are plenty of men who are terrified of me. I still manage to have ds's friends over to play.

seeker · 08/03/2009 05:55

Actually, I think it's the word - playdate- that puts people off - and no bloody wonder, it's awful. It also makes it sound like a big deal - when it's really just a few more beans in the pot and another slice of toast. And an esier time for the hosting mum because if they've got friends round you don't have to play with your children yourself!

LoveBeingAMummy · 08/03/2009 06:02

Your DH is either worried you are being taken advantage of OR maybe worried about money?

Abetadad as usual is the voice of the man!

seeker · 08/03/2009 06:13

But if you don't feel that you're being taken advantage of then you're not!

And how much does it cost to feed one more child?

nooka · 08/03/2009 06:20

We didn't do much "playdating" in the UK, because I was only home one afternoon a week, and it took a bit of organising. The dcs didn't either because it just was too complicated if it couldn't be on that day. That's because we used childcare, and you can only really do that on a regular basis. In fact if the children had gone round to someone's house after school the childminder (who we would have been paying anyway) would not have been able to pick them up, so I or dh would have had to finish work early, so all in all a huge hassle. We thought we'd done really well to get friends home to ours every couple of weeks!

Now dh is at home, and we live in a much smaller community the children are starting to go home with their friends, play for a while and come home for tea. Much easier, and no great feelings of obligation. Having your friends over/going to their houses is about helping your children develop their social skills surely? Plus meeting their friends and checking that the relationships are healthy ones (also a good excuse to meet their mums and dads too).

ABetaDad · 08/03/2009 08:41

sobanoodle - my kids are not here during the working week as they are at school, after school club or holiday club. Weekends we have friends over with their kids. Our kids are out 8.15 - 5.15 every day.

Its the weekday playdates that we cannot handle because we work at home. I have tried to accomodate a few playdate requests by suggesting weekend playdates but people are never interested in that because of course they are off work then and have no need of free childcare on those days. Its so brazen what they are up to.

Celia2 · 08/03/2009 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choosyfloosy · 08/03/2009 09:02

remember abetadad's thread very well - also seem to remember it was eventually decided that because he was from the north the word playdate was anathema to him. Fair enough, it's an awful word - i picked it up from MN and other middle-class southern cesspits such as the no-longer Manchester Guardian as it's a quick shorthand for 'having other children round or my child going round to other people's houses'. So I will now start using HOCROMCGRTOPH instead of playdate to avoid annoying anyone.

I do think that if your dh is genuinely being disturbed at work by the noise of children in the house, this needs to be sorted. Headphones a good start perhaps. Do you have a shed which could be an office as well? Being middle-class southern jessies we're lucky enough to have a garden and a good-size shed which is now dh's haven workspace. But he does need to realise that this is only going to get worse - what about when your dcs want to do band practice, rehearse plays, actually invite their own friends over without being asked? All potentially a lot noisier than HOCROMCGRTOPH. His needs do need accommodating. If you don't have a shed, does anyone else have one he might borrow? Perhaps someone whose children you are occasionally HOCROMCGRTOPH slightly more often than them? Just a thought. Toodle pip old fruits.

compo · 08/03/2009 09:04

ABetaDad - yes, sooner or later your kids will want to have their friends over in the week
you will have to choose btw letting them do that or knowing that they are always at other people's houses or hanging out in parks in the freezing cold
they won't always be in childcare until 5.15pm

Doha · 08/03/2009 09:33

I was never allowed friends round when l was young and consequently had a very loely childhood.
Now have 3 DC's who l have always encouraged to bring friends round and we have had many sleepovers as we call them.

Now they are older DD 22 and DS 18 and l know their friends well , when they go out at night l know who they are with and what they are capable of (IYKWIM}. They know they are welcome at my home at any time.

DD2 is 13 and has changed to senior school 1 year ago- l encourage her to bring her friend home and often have a headcount at night to see how many l am cooking for. DD3 said to me last week her frineds think l am cool .

What cost is it in time effort or even financially to have a great relationship with your kids as they grow up. Thet are not young forever.

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 09:40

I think that is a much better attitude Doha-I bet you are not keeping a list of how many times they are invited back!

seeker · 08/03/2009 11:27

Had it not crossed your mind, abetadad, that children have activities at the weekends - and that families like to spend time together? The one day I don't like having people round is Sunday, because the dcs do sporty stuff on Saturday and Sunday is our only family day. NOT because I don't need childcare on that day!

edam · 08/03/2009 11:49

Quite, seeker. ABetaDad has a weird take on his children wanting to play with their friends and is determined to interpret everything to fit with his theory.

My mother worked but we always had mother's helps in our own home so having friends to play was never a problem - and, tbh, in those days children just played outside all day anyway, only coming home to be fed.

Can't imagine how miserable it must be if you are never allowed to play with your friends. And what effect it must have on you as an adult.

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