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Original poster

Hate DH's mean attitude to DC's friends

99 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 14:22

I should say DH is generally lovely but his attitude to the DC's
playdates drives me mad.

He often works from home so is around when our DCs (5 and 7) have
friends around. He has his own study so can shut himself away and not
get involved. However he is paranoid about whether it is my "turn" to
host the playdate. I have explained to him that while I am a SAHM with
school age kids, most of the DC's friends mothers work pt or ft and/or
also have babies/toddlers, therefore it is easier for me to have DC's
friends for tea, etc so if he wants our DCs to have friends over will
have to accept they will more often be at ours. He doesn't seem to
appreciate this and it annoys him to the extent that last night he
looked at what I was giving the DC and DS's friend for tea and asked
whether our DC's got "decent food like that at their friends houses" (it
was home made chicken nuggets, oven chips and green beans followed by
icecream ffs) and was then going on about whether we got "quid pro quo"
re playdates.

He is also petty about me giving lifts to the DC's friends as again
feels not sufficiently reciprocated to the extent that on the way back
from DS's birthday party went mad (with me obv, not child) saying I do
too much etc because we were taking one of DS's friends home and his mum
was not back from work when we dropped him off and so we had to take him
home for 5 minutes before his mum arrived to collect him.

I know this is a such a small whinge compared to the terrible problems some MNetters
have with their partners but so stupid to have to feel tense every time
I tell DH "X" or "Y" is coming for tea after school. Not sure why this
situation provokes such strong feelings for DH?

OP posts:

Doha · 08/03/2009 12:03

Edam you hit the nail on the head.

Not to be allowed to play with your friends leaves you very lonely, isolated and a lot of the social skills you should learn as a child are not fully developed.
I have friends -yes but all made when l was over 21. I have no school friends or childhood friends and it took a while to realise l was worthy of friendship and just a bit distrustful and unsure how to react or interact with people.

edam · 08/03/2009 12:59

oh, doha, that's so sad.

kettlechip · 08/03/2009 13:15

I can see both sides of this. I think playdates are great for encouraging friendships, between the dc's and often the mums as well. I'm not going to lose sleep over what the ds' eat elsewhere and the relative cost and nutritional value over what they eat at home.

Having said that, I cancelled a playdate yesterday because I just couldn't face our clean (for once!) house being completely trashed. My friend and her dd are lovely, but we seem to host the majority of playdates with them, and without fail every basket of toys is emptied, crumbs are trod in everywhere, and I spend a good hour cleaning up and mopping floors once they've gone. I always make sure the ds' help the host to tidy up when we've been elsewhere for playdates.

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 13:39

ABetaDad only has a limited time on his present system. In the next few years he will not be able to impose his friend's children on his DCs and they will start to have opinions about all the out of school clubs-in short they will want to make their own friends and they won't care less whether best friend's mother is trying to get free childcare!

Doha · 08/03/2009 13:58

Hey Edam

Yea it's sad but l'm lucky to have a brilliant DH and 3 wonderful DC's who have helped to show me the meaning of friendship.

That's why l encourage everyone to "spoil" their kids with sleepovers play dates whatever to help them gain social skills and interactions.

I would love to have a "best" friend like others but that's not to be l have friends who l can call on but tend to keep people at arms length.

Please please keep up the playdates with the kids-it doesn't matter about who does what or who cooks what or about the mess. It can be cleared up but you can't regain your DC's childhood--there is nothing better for me tahn to hear kids chatting and laughing together. That's priceless.

Doha · 08/03/2009 14:00

OOOP sorry OP

This thread has stired up feeling which l thought were long gone.

RockinSockBunnies · 08/03/2009 14:10

ABetaDad - God - what a cynical and suspicious view of people's motives . I have no idea why you would assume that
playdates are simply about parents exploiting others for 'free' childcare. Lots of people don't have playdates at weekends because they spend time together as a family or go away for a weekend.

I love DD's friends coming to play. It's only possible once a week, but every Thursday it's great when there's another child in the house. I like it that DD's entertained and it means I can get on and do some work while the children play. It's certainly no hardship to feed another child and I don't worry about how things are reciprocated.

So, to the OP - your DH sounds unreasonable and grumpy. Can't he relax and maybe play with the children?

ABetaDad · 08/03/2009 14:25

piscesmoon - me and my wife have just spent all morning discussing this very issue.

We are planning to move them to a school at 11 and 9 that does day boarding until 8 p.m. and sports camps in the holiday.

They will still have no choice.

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 14:35

I just get the feeling that you don't like children-other than your own ABetaDad! I am going to be really contentious, scuttling off with my tin hat, but I wouldn't have DCs if they were going to be in school until bed time every day and still go in the holidays. Even parents who send away to boarding school have long holidays to compensate and time to enjoy their children.

dizietsma · 08/03/2009 14:35

Yeah, gotta say ABD, your interpretation of why people prefer not to visit on the weekends is pretty poor. We don't do too much visiting with pals at the weekend because we prefer to spend the time together as a family. Goodness knows, the day will come when us parents will be boring saddos and DD will only want to spend the weekend with her pals, I'll enjoy every weekend gifted to me until that day.

dizietsma · 08/03/2009 14:41

"We are planning to move them to a school at 11 and 9 that does day boarding until 8 p.m. and sports camps in the holiday.

They will still have no choice."

Why did you have kids? Because everyone else was doing it? Because it's expected of you? Because you needed a legacy?

Certainly doesn't seem to be because you actually enjoy them. Your poor kids

I wish people who don't like kids would stop having them.

My dad was sent to boarding school aged 8. He hated it, was bullied abombinally and missed his family dreadfully, it has emotionally damaged him, in his words.

I suppose your kids will be so used to being emotionally regected they might actually prefer the company of their peers because it hurts less...

Leaving this thread now, it makes me too sad.

Merrylegs · 08/03/2009 14:43

Good stuff, AlphaDad. Frees you up for even more Mnetting time. (Far preferable to child care, dontcha think?)

right back at ya.

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 14:44

I am coming to the conclusion that you are a troll, ABetaDad!

Doha · 08/03/2009 14:56

Agree piscesmoon--l call troll too.

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 15:03

It has been very clever-it was only the last post which is way OTT!

ABetaDad · 08/03/2009 15:45

Its Ok - DS2 has already made it very clear to me in the last fortnight on several occassions and in very strong terms he wants to be more independent and he does not want me fussing over him.

prettyfly1 · 08/03/2009 16:07

well he will get that abetadad wont he - you wont ever see him with your current plans - you will just be that man who pays for his educational bills but doesnt really connect with him emotionally. I hope you are a troll I really do. Seriously, you are arguing over the cost of a couple of beans for your ds friends but can pay to pretty much forego the entire role of parent???

edam · 08/03/2009 18:34

he's had to be independent, though, to the point of being prevented from playing with his friends. Hardly surprising he thinks he doesn't need you.

motherinferior · 08/03/2009 20:38

Actually, I don't have a problem with my kids' friends coming over to play 'as childcare', ie on a day when they would otherwise be at after school club. Or - see above - because their parents have a crisis.

And I shut my office door, get on with my work, and just hope that the VERY LOUD WHISPERS of 'we have to be QUIET, mummy's WORKING' aren't at too high a decibel level just when I'm conducting an in-depth interview

nooka · 08/03/2009 22:09

But the "childcare" thing really doesn't make sense. All the arrangements I know about (nannies, au pairs, childminders, after school clubs etc) are arranged and paid for on a monthly or termly basis. Having the occasional time when one of my children goes to another child's house after school arranged perhaps a few days in advance makes no difference at all to my costs, and is actually very inconvenient. Surely the childcare argument only works if you manage somehow to arrange for your children to stay regularly with a group of parents?

I only agreed to afterschool playdates if my child was very keen because it was difficult for me to manage. It is one of the really nice things about dh being at home that they now can visit as many friends and have as many friends over as fits with the rest of their life (homework etc). It's all about making sure your children have a nice life and good friendships isn't it? Not your own convenience and prejudices. What if your child really likes someone whose parents both work and cannot do afterschool stuff without support, or where the family is spilt and the child spends the week ends with a dad who isn't local. Are you going to tell your child they can't be friends with that child because of the hassle to you? No wonder your children are looking forward to leaving home (and this is a 5 year old??!!)

jasmeeen · 08/03/2009 22:30

Dizietsma - agree with all your posts. Very well said.

midlandsmumof4 · 09/03/2009 00:25

Probably too old to contribute to this as my sons are now aged 19-28... No such things as playdates when they were little, just friends around to play after school or during holidays. Whoever was there at meal times were fed unless they had to go home at a certain time. Its still the same now-I cooked 8 Sunday lunches today (OH, 4 sons and 'guests') and there's always a bed if anyone needs it. OH has a moan sometimes but he loves it really-I think .

piscesmoon · 09/03/2009 08:16

My DSs are also older now, midlandsmumof4. I don't know at what date the horrible term 'playdate' came into existance-I think it should be banned. Friends to play or round to tea makes it sound so much better.

gagamama · 09/03/2009 16:55

Don't school-age kids usually arrange their own 'playdates' during the course of the school day though? I know whenever DSD has a friend round or goes to a friends, she comes bouncing out of school and sidles up to me and announces that X friend is coming home with us, or she's off to go to Y's. The adults involved then collude to check this is ok and make arrangements. In my experience it's never a case of parents trying to offload their offspring, it's the kids wanting to spend extra time together. And 9 times out of 10 they've decided whose house they want to go to because they've already decided they'll be playing with a specific toy which one of them has!

Playdates with my younger DCs nearly always include the parents.

I can see what he means though, when I was a kid my mum was a childminder and by some strange arrangement had one of my friends and her brother every morning and night, meals included, even though they weren't paying mindees. I can only assume my mum went along with it as not to upset my friendship with this friend (we were close but I ended up hating her being at my house ALL the time). Plus it meant I had someone to walk to and from school with I guess.

I'm rambling now, but I do think your DH is being petty and mean.

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