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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate DH's mean attitude to DC's friends

99 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 06/03/2009 14:22

I should say DH is generally lovely but his attitude to the DC's
playdates drives me mad.

He often works from home so is around when our DCs (5 and 7) have
friends around. He has his own study so can shut himself away and not
get involved. However he is paranoid about whether it is my "turn" to
host the playdate. I have explained to him that while I am a SAHM with
school age kids, most of the DC's friends mothers work pt or ft and/or
also have babies/toddlers, therefore it is easier for me to have DC's
friends for tea, etc so if he wants our DCs to have friends over will
have to accept they will more often be at ours. He doesn't seem to
appreciate this and it annoys him to the extent that last night he
looked at what I was giving the DC and DS's friend for tea and asked
whether our DC's got "decent food like that at their friends houses" (it
was home made chicken nuggets, oven chips and green beans followed by
icecream ffs) and was then going on about whether we got "quid pro quo"
re playdates.

He is also petty about me giving lifts to the DC's friends as again
feels not sufficiently reciprocated to the extent that on the way back
from DS's birthday party went mad (with me obv, not child) saying I do
too much etc because we were taking one of DS's friends home and his mum
was not back from work when we dropped him off and so we had to take him
home for 5 minutes before his mum arrived to collect him.

I know this is a such a small whinge compared to the terrible problems some MNetters
have with their partners but so stupid to have to feel tense every time
I tell DH "X" or "Y" is coming for tea after school. Not sure why this
situation provokes such strong feelings for DH?

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 18:46

lalalonglegs - I think KamR's DH and me are genetically linked via our Y chromosome.

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/03/2009 18:51

Actually I agree with ABetaDad to a point. And I hate 'playdates' as well. Other people's children get on my fucking nerves if I'm honest

piscesmoon · 06/03/2009 19:06

There was a long thread from ABetaDad with his hatred of playdates. Your DH is being unreasonable-it doesn't really matter if you are being taken advantage of, it is lovely for the DCs. To start quibbling about the quality of the food is missing the whole point.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/03/2009 19:11

ooh, I remember that. He got slaughtered, poor guy.

Still, he clearly has balls of steel.

2shoes · 06/03/2009 19:14

I always hated play dates, not that I ever called them that.
they should be renamed "find a mug to feed your child"
it is much better now ds is 17 and they just pop round.

ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 19:22

HecatesTwopenceworth - I shall take that as compliment.

Mooseheart · 06/03/2009 19:26

I sometimes feel as though other parents are doing me a favour by letting their children come round and entertain mine!

As a newly back to work mother, I have to say it would be nice to have a little help during half terms etc but I by no means expect it from the other parents!

I think you sound lovely, friends that do what you do so willingly are one in a million, and I think your dh and abetadad sound like complete arses.

seeker · 06/03/2009 19:27

but if your children are having fun with their friends, why on earth should it matter whether there is complete parity of playdates? I just DON"T GET THIS AT ALL!!! Even if the other parent's motives are a bit suspect, if it's fun for your child, does it actually matter whether you open the extra tin of beans more often than they do?

I love a houseful and I don't work outside the home, so I am sure that I have others more than they have mine. So what?

cwtchy · 06/03/2009 19:57

Nobody likes to feel like they are being taken advantage of, so I can kind of see your DH's point, OP. But on the other hand, what kind of community are you living in if a playdate is considered free childcare? Surely it is just your DC having his/her friends round to socialise outside of school?

When I was a kid I has quite a few friends round after school. My mother would feed us and then we would disappear upstairs/out the garden for a few hours. So it kept me entertained too. It's a shame that these days a lot of parents would rather pay to pack their kids off to various expensive activities than go to the great effort of having an extra kid in the house now and again.

seeker · 06/03/2009 20:44

It's the counting I can't cope with. i can't imagine saying"No, ds, you can't have your friend round because it's his mum's turn to have you and he can't come to ours again til you've been to his" Does this strike anyone as a sensible and mature attitude?

OrmIrian · 06/03/2009 20:49

I wonder if the same attitude extends to adults friends? 'No we won't invite X because he hasn't invited us there for ages'.

mamadoc · 06/03/2009 20:54

Kam (and others who feel similarly) I think you have a great attitude and your DC and the others will love you for it.

DD is a bit young for playdates yet but from my own experience I was the only child of a WOHM in a rural area where everyone elses were SAHM. I am sure I had more than my fair share of playdates and often home baked cake when we could only run to shop bought but I don't think anyone begrudged it. I was always made welcome and actually still have a good relationship with some of my school friends parents even now.

random · 06/03/2009 20:54

Never been called playdates in my house ...just the dcs having their friends round ..I couldn't care less if they got invited back or not ..my oldest dds all grown up but always had mates round when they were younger ..I fed them .they slept over was never a problem

PerArduaAdNauseum · 06/03/2009 21:01

@ beta et al - the last half-term I asked around the playground for children I could borrow to keep DS entertained. Was I being taken advantage of with all the free childcare I was providing?

FFS.

cwtchy · 06/03/2009 21:21

Mamadoc, I still get on well with a lot of my school friends' parents too - or should I more correctly call them after school care providers?

They still try and feed me (and now my DD too) if I drop in to say hello! And funnily enough I don't get given an itemised bill at the end of it.

Nor do they insist I march their (30 yr old) child over to my parents for some fish fingers in return

izyboy · 06/03/2009 21:26

Oh KarmR you sound like how I feel I should be, nice, generous and fun.

izyboy · 06/03/2009 21:27

...but your dh is the grouch I suspect I really I am.

piscesmoon · 06/03/2009 21:41

Some parents could never have back because they were always busy-I don't see that it matters if it is one sided.

edam · 07/03/2009 12:29

I work at home but in a freelance role that means it often spills over beyond ds's school hours. I have ds's friends round to play but sometimes have to disappear into my study (he's five so doesn't require constant supervision).

There are several SAHMs who I consider very generous, in that they are always offering to have ds if I need a couple of hours cover during half-term or after school. I don't ask, they offer. And I really appreciate it, think it's very kind of them (they always say something about it being no bother as it keeps their kids entertained).

Equally, I help out when I can - one SAHM has been given a really awkward time for parents' evening so I'm having her boy over at bedtime (her husband will be at work). Slightly difficult but she's been a real help to me so I'm pleased to have the opportunity to reciprocate.

It's a virtuous circle, I think. No resentment, no freeloading, just friends helping each other out and, most importantly, our children get to play with their friends without us parents acting like passengers in a cab watching the clock anxiously because we suspect the driver is ripping us off and going to King's Cross via Birmingham.

Very glad I don't live in ABetaDad's world, sounds like a miserable place to be, especially for his children.

cloudedyellow · 07/03/2009 13:44

God forbid we should actually LIKE or ENJOY other people's children.
Individualism at its worst.
It makes me think of the beaches in summer with the ABetaDad's type families enclosed in their windbreak worlds. Little tribal homes set up on a public beach. Sad sad sad.

dizietsma · 07/03/2009 14:05

My DD is 3 and her toddler friends are a house trashing handful when they come over, but I'm always pleased they're over because they make my DD happy and occupied!

As for complaining about feeding them, we are seriously skint family, and finding an extra portion of food for my DD's friends is absolutely no problem, I don't know WTF is up with the rest of you!

I'm totally baffled by some of these responses, kids aren't meant to be lonely composed ornaments that you dust occasionally, they're meant to scream and romp about with their pals. I love the vivacity of a house full of children, I cannot wait until I have a large enough house to have a brood running through the house all day.

If you work from home and cannot stand the sound of happy kids, get a pair of headphones FFS! Works for me when I need to study in a busy cafe whilst DD is at preschool. Only prima donnas need exam hall silence to work and study, IMHO.

Honestly, when I hear the nasty bitchy way some people complain about their kids just being kids and playing with their pals, I just want to scream- WHY DID YOU HAVE KIDS THEN? What on earth were you expecting?

motherinferior · 07/03/2009 14:13

I agree (as ever) with Edam. I don't consider that I'm providing 'free childcare' when we have DD1's mate N round next Wednesday - yes, her mother asked because she's got a work crisis, but heaven knows they've had DD1 round often enough under just the same circumstances.

We hardly ever had friends round when I was little. I was miserable and lonely. And frankly when other kids come here I retreat to my office, get a bit of work done, offer them pasta at tea-time. I like my children, and their friends. They're nice kids.

Merrylegs · 07/03/2009 14:23

Hah! Read OP's post and was going to reply "is your DH Abetadad?" and look - he was the first to answer!!!

Excellent.

Say to Dh - "There's a whole world of real stuff to worry about. I'm happy, our children are happy. Now, I'm going to make the kids and their friends tea. Would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee while you're working?"

(And resist the urge to pour it in his lap.)

Lazycow · 07/03/2009 14:37

Do people really dislike other children so much? I find having childen over halves the time I have to spend looking after my only ds and find having a hoard of children running round causing chaos fun.

I mostly like other childen and at the end of the visit I can hand them back - can't do the same with ds when he is being annoying - What's not to like ?

compo · 07/03/2009 14:45

brilliant post dizietsma
my dh constantly moans about having to take the dcs to birthday parties, pushing them on swings in the playground, taking them places etc etc and I always say this is what you sign up for when you ahve unprotected sex!! maybe instead of telling kids at school about newborns we should just take them to softplay places to scare them into using condoms

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