Can anyone help please?

[mpuddleduck]

Iam in shock,and don't know what to do.
dh isn't a violent man but hit me repeatedly 3 nights ago when drunk, saying I don't love him and who was I sh--ging, and in front of the children.
He said he was going to kill me and I left with the terrified children who had been woken by the crashing of furniture and slept in the car. But I had nowhere to go and came back.
dh hasn't said a word, we have been polite but not talked at all.
I have never found showing my emotions easy but I'm not sure I do love him anymore.
I would'nt say I'm in a violent relationship, he has been violent when drunk before, but not often, it is always my fault for not showing I love him, he just needs to be loved.

mp, just think yourself into two years into the future. What would you like your life to look like?

Do you want to be living with a DH who hits you repeatedly, from whom you have to hide the knives?

Or can you imagine something different?

Sending you love and strength xx

Sorry but you used to hide the big knives when he went out?? So if he attacked you then what would happen to your children? Surely they mean more than any bloke even if he is their father. I went through shit with my ex h but, seriously, hiding the knives is another level. Spent my childhood with shit like that and no fucking way would I put my kids through that, I put them through enough until I saw sense, and I hate myself for every second of it.

Feeling so lost today, I know you are all right, he thinks Iam wrong, my minister has offered to talk to me, its amazing how word gets round, but I wouldn't know where to begin, or what to say

YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING.

YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING.

YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING.

YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING.

being in an abusive situation really does fuck with your head and your perspective is skewed. please get some counselling and don't accept him back into your home.

you are in a better position now to make the break and it's natural to not want to break up a family but in certain situations, it is negligent to allow your children to be exposed to such danger. you need to develop some thick skin now and let his comments bounce off you.

you are doing the right thing so try to focus on keeping safe.

counselling and professional support would help give you more strength and courage in your own conviction. it's not an admission of failure to accept such help- it's a sign of true strength.

Thank you, I told him yesterday I thought we need to stay apart for longer, he is thinking of finding work at his parents, but said he thinks Iam wrong and he is writing me a letter. I have talked on the phone to a lady from womens aid, but I'm not good on the phone and tend to stick to practical things and let my head go round and round in circles. Where would I go for counselling and professional support?

Thank you, I told him yesterday I thought we need to stay apart for longer, he is thinking of finding work at his parents, but said he thinks Iam wrong and he is writing me a letter. I have talked on the phone to a lady from womens aid, but I'm not good on the phone and tend to stick to practical things and let my head go round and round in circles. Where would I go for counselling and professional support?

Oops, pressed that twice. I'm not sure I gave her all the details, but it was probably enough.

all I can think is, what happens next time he hits you and one of the children tries to make him stop, and he hits them instead, possibly in the "wrong place" Will that be your fault too?

please please dont let him back, keep yourself and your children safe and away from possible harm.

no matter how unreasonable you have been (and I am sure you havent been at all) there is never ever an excuse to hit another person. If he did it to a person on the street for no reason he would be prosecuted.

The phone calls, and texts and letters are all about him making it your fault to split up the family. HE DID THAT THE FIRST TIME HE HIT YOU.

Take care and keep safe - do report him to the police too.

Stay strong. Your dc love and miss their dad but being around that sort of manipulating and violent influence is far worse then been separated from him.

Solidgold said earlier "He won't change. Abusers never change because they have an unshakeable conviction that what they are doing is right".

She is so right. Here he is away from you and the dc, so he knows that it is crunch time, and he is still making you feel bad. He thinks you are wrong and is writing you a letter? Ffs, he could never change.
He is violent and then says that you are wrong because you won't put up with it.

You are doing really well so far. Good luck.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS VIOLENCE

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS VIOLENCE

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS VIOLENCE

As others have said, these men feel that, when you "overstep the mark" they are ENTITLED to react. This sense of ENTITLEMENT is almost impossible to eradicate. Their thought processes go something like these:

"I love her and the kids but sometimes she drives me nuts...(so then I'm entitled to hit her)"

"I know I shouldn't beat her but she pushes me to my limit...every guy has a limit (so then I'm entitled to hit her)"

.....and so on.

Please beg, steal, borrow or buy the book "Why does he do that? - Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men" By Lundy Bancroft.

What you are going through is so, so hard.

Don't expect it to be easy, but please don't let him back into your house.

Allow your 5yo to believe daddy is away on holiday until s/he is old enough for you to explain what actually happened. This will not do your child any harm but to see you being beaten by your h will damage your dc's FOR EVER.

You have come so far since March... don't give up.

Sorry to moan again, feel free to ignore me, I think it helps me to read through the posts as there is no one to talk to like this in real life.

Had a really s**t day today. Had a function to go to and saw a few people that I haven't seen recently, one was saying that dh really loves me and is a nice guy, the other was just inquisitive, another said dh doesn't mean to be bad. (more doubts)

I have had thoughts of ending all the pain for a while now too, I don't think I could leave my children but the ideas won't go away. In so many ways Iam so much happier, but Iam also desperate to come to some conclusion and end these feelings of guilt and ?.

I think it is too late to report the incident to the police, it happened 3 months ago. But I will phone WA again on Monday.

Some friends are really, really crap. For a whole host of reasons they will try and get you to stay in a bad situation. It's almost certainly to do with their desire that nothing changes. Then they won't have to take a stand on the issue. He may well be great - for them. Presumably he doesn't cross that line with them. Of course he doesn't.

Don't listen to them.

And maybe they're great friends usually - but this is not great. They are not doing what great friends should do. Go hunt out that friend who is going to be strong with you and on your behalf. They're there somewhere.

Try and think of great things about your life and all the great things you have coming to you in the long term - and you do. Your life is truly going to be way, way better in two years time.

Go to bed and get some sleep - things always look bleak this time of night.

And do 'phone WA.

Thank you cherryblossoms, they aren't really friends, just people I know quite well. In fact I don't know that I have any real friends which makes me feel even more c**p.

Sleeping and eating are not things Iam too good at at the moment.

Having small dc is an isolating experience. A relationship which involves your partner assaulting you is another isolating experience. And you have just experienced something which is a massive blow to your self-esteem and the foundations from which you view the world. That alone will give rise to shaking your confidence in your ability to judge and trust.

But, check out people you do come across. Go gently; if they pass an initial trust test, trust them a little more. You may be pleasantly surprised.

For tonight, make yourself a warm drink and really, try and get some rest. I can completely understand why that is difficult right now. It's very normal. But tiredness enhances feelings of depression and anxiety. So really, really try and take care of yourself. Though I do understand how hard it is to do that.

So sorry to hear of your 'friends' reactions you never can tell how people react because they don't know the whole story. Especially if he is anything like my ex soooo charming to others they thought I was mad leaving him. It's only after two years that stories of him being abusive to other people are surfacing and each of them thinking it was a one off and forgiving him it. !
Stay strong you are going through perfectly normal but perfectly horrible thought processes and feelings. WA will be lovely and informative and supportive for you.
Good l;uck

Hey mpuddleduck. Hope you're doing ok?

Hi HolyGuacamole, hope you are ok.
Its been 7 weeks since dh went away, he phones the children every now and then and is polite on the phone. I still feel guilty and am still struggling with splitting the children from their father and wondering if Iam over reacting.
He is visiting for ds2's birthday next week, not sure how I feel about this yet, it will be lovely for the dc to see him, but I have said he can stay in the house and feel slightly worried about this.
I had to tell ds2 that daddy will be visiting and going away again, he is cross about daddy getting a job so far away.
I havent been on mn much, too busy just surviving day to day. Thank you for remembering me.

Hey mpuddleduck Just saw your post.

Good to hear you're getting on ok. And if you're too busy to be on MN, then that means you must be getting on with your life and that is nice to hear

I hope everything goes ok in the coming days, will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you. You know there is lots of support on here if you need it, ok.

Good luck

mpuddleuck

You are NOT over reacting. Your H has done and will continue to do a lot of bad things to you if you permit this to happen.

Guilt too is a useless emotion. I bet you anything he does not feel guilty, he probably wonders when you are going to cave in and have him back. This man has been violent towards you (the children have also seen this) and has had violent tendencies within him for many years. Violent men do not change. He is showing no signs of even admitting any responsibility here.

Abusers too, can be very plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges as they cannot hide it forever.

Even though you feel worried about him being in your house you have allowed him to stay there. Why have you agreed to this; out of guilt, for the sake of appearances in front of the children?. You need to closely examine your own reasons for permitting him to stay.

He has not and will never take any responsibility for his actions. You should also read up on codependency; your relationship with him is clearly not either healthy or functional.

This dysfunction will also go onto affect your children to their detriment. Its not just you anymore. Hard as it is you must act to save your own selves, you cannot keep doubting yourself or bury your head in the sand.

You are not responsible for your H either - only you and your children.

Do keep speaking to WA; they can really help you here too.

Well he is here, downstairs in the spare room.I said he could stay because there isnt anywhere else nearby,
ds's birthday went well. H had a sleep whilst I was decorating the cake and then again after lunch whilst I was making party food so I got cross with 2 youngest children for trying to help with baking.

He said he was tired after the journey to visit us. Wound me up today as well, keeps saying he loves me, he isn;t a bad man and is trying to show me we could be happy again, knows he hasn't behaved well for the last 5 years and just wants us all to be together.
He hasn't had any alcohol since he has been here, feel a bit guilty that he really is trying to reform.

You have come such a long way - please don't take him back now. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It doesn't matter if he never has another drink for the rest of his life - you and your DCs cannot be together in a family with a violent man. You know it will happen again, and you and DCs would be living in fear.

Really hope you are safe and ok.