Can anyone help please?

[mpuddleduck]

Iam in shock,and don't know what to do.
dh isn't a violent man but hit me repeatedly 3 nights ago when drunk, saying I don't love him and who was I sh--ging, and in front of the children.
He said he was going to kill me and I left with the terrified children who had been woken by the crashing of furniture and slept in the car. But I had nowhere to go and came back.
dh hasn't said a word, we have been polite but not talked at all.
I have never found showing my emotions easy but I'm not sure I do love him anymore.
I would'nt say I'm in a violent relationship, he has been violent when drunk before, but not often, it is always my fault for not showing I love him, he just needs to be loved.

he IS violent.
it IS NOT your fault. you do not make him do it.

abusers do not abuse 24/7.

it only takes one hit to land in th wrong palce to cause serious damage - or what if one of your chidlren gets in the way next time?

you wont forgive yourself will you?

abusers abuse then be nice - it is how they work.

get out of this violent relationship now .

mpuddleduck,

Re your comment:-
"I would'nt say I'm in a violent relationship, he has been violent when drunk before, but not often, it is always my fault for not showing I love him, he just needs to be loved"

Stop making excuses for him; there is never any justification for violence. Those above words written by you or very similar are often spoken by victims of domestic violence. You ARE in a violent relationship and you need to ultimately make a better life for yourselves without him in it.

You are not your H's rescuer or saviour.
Take heed of the words written by others too on these pages.

Please call Womens Aid; they can help you. You're all being affected by him currently and he will only drag you all down with him.

You need to consider as well what both you and he are teaching your children about relationships. Damaging lessons are being imparted here by both of you.

Your children won't thank you in the longer term for staying with such an individual if you remain alive long enough that is. You are in a dangerous situation and by turn your children are as well.

mpuddleduck,

Now that the children have been involved you have LESS reason to stay than before, when you were persuading yourself it was only you the violence affected.

This man is NOT normal.

You can see that, and you already know that this is going to get worse.

Please listen to these gals who are telling you that you CAN leave, that your life WILL be better, your children CAN grow up feeling safe, secure and loved.

Take the first step now.

PLEASE.

Thank you all, the children told a friends Mum, who now knows the situation, which to be honest is a huge relief for me, Iam going to talk to her tomorrow.

good,

the more people who know the more you will realise:

this is NOT your fault.

you do NOT have to live with a violent man.

you do NOT have to protect him, or hide what he is doing.

There is loads of help and support on here and in RL.

Please call Womensaid, as well as talking to your friend.

Sending you hugs...........

I am wishing you lots of support and help,and hoping you will lean on people if you need to.There are lots of us who have been there and come out the other side.I was childless then thankfully but I have a lovely kind and gentle husband now who would never ever hurt me.I was a model at the time,I am well educated,and to the world at large I looked confident and glamourous but I went home to this man who terrified and terrorised me.It could happen to anyone,it is not your fault.Violent men are often excellent manipulators and this helps them get into a relationship and keep the person with them,before violence starts to become more and more regular.It is his shame,it is not yours.All the best.

Hellymelly, I hope you got on ok with your friend today?

So glad to read that you are going to talk about this with someone who can offer you RL opinions and support.

Sorry, that was for mpuddleduck

use every ounce of courage that you have in your body to break away from him.

put what feelings you have for him to one side and deal with what's best for your children and for you.

it will continue and probably get worse.

you have a choice but your children don't so do the right thing.

well done for breaking the silence... it's a very brave move and hopefully the beginning of a better life.

Can I ask how long you have been with him? When was the first time it happened and what triggered it?

My mum was in a violent relationship with my 'step dad' and although i was older (19 when they married) and i knew what was happening i could not get her to leave.

It started out with him having one too many and then all of a sudded she didnt love him enough - SLAP thIs carried on for sometime she told the police and pressed charges.

All of a sudded he couldnt hit/beat her with out going to jail so he just poured hot drinks on her or held a hot iron inches from her face because that he could get away with

In the end she took herself to hospital with blood coming out of her ears he was full on sorrys but after all it was your fault for x y & z and to top it all his mother came out with "its not his fault hes tired you now"

MUM DIDNT LEAVE UNTILL HE HIT ME.

By this time i was 22 and she didnt fully stop contact untill i 23 and pregnant and told her i would not let her have anything to do with DS if there was any chance he might be around as DS would not be safe.

I have still not fully forgiven for not leaving earlyer for not staying safe for not wanting to be safe and alive enough to leave for me.

You do not want your children to feel that way about you to blame you for not keeping Them safe for not keeping You safe. You do not want them to grow up without you. You do not want them to feel guilty or that any of this was/is there fault.

One thing i read when i was trying to understand why she wouldnt leave was:
"In a voilent relationship the bond is tighter because you fall in love and have a honeymoon period. Then everything goes along fine. Then there is an outburst. Then there is the sorrys it wont happen again if only you did ... it was just because ... Then your back in the honeymoon period and the bond between you becomes stronger, you dont think it was that bad really, more impotanlly you both dont want anyone to know, and so the circle goes round the bond braking and rejoining even stronger to keep the secort and to smooth over the cracks"

My mum aways says its like a mirror once its been broken (the trust) you can put all the pieces back together but they never go back as before and the cracks will always be there.

His outbusts will become bigger and more often.

Do everything you can to make sure you and your children get out of there safely!

pawslikepaddington, that is just how Iam feeling today,all your posts say to leave, but today the bruises are fading,and as I admit that I want to leave I wonder if Iam making a fuss and should just forget it again and get on as usual. he asked me today what I wanted to do, said he couldnt cope with me sleeping in ds's room. I said maybe we should go our seperate ways as our marriage of 17yrs doesnt seem to be working, he said he loves me and doesn't want to leave.
I don't think he will be violent whilst sober. My friend had been in contact wiht a local womens aid lady and I now have her number. It was weird talking, relief, embarrassment, just strange.
sorry about the bad writing finding it difficult to write all this.

i was in the same place it took me 3 years to go but i did it, i went to a refuge and even though it is hard yes i am finally getting me back

keep posting muddleduck

You are not making a fuss and you shouldn't just forget it.

It will happen again.

I would urge you contact Womens Aid. They are fabulous and will not put you under any pressure, but will be able to discuss your options with you and will understand how you're feeling.

I get from your posts that you are feeling really sad and resigned to the situation. Will re-iterate what mehdismummy said, although we all know it is hard to pluck up the courage to end things with him, in a few months you will wonder what took you so long to leave.

sb is so right, my h use to tell me he loved me and there would be times there would be a glimmer of hope for me when he would do or say something nice and i would think to myself that it was all ok and he really did love me. well it doesnt stay like that it would be days sometimes weeks we could go without the abuse but it was still there in the air iyswim. i lived feeling scared, i know now that it would never have changed i got out because if i had not i would have had a breakdown, and its has been massively hard and still is, i still wonder when at my lonliness or broke if i did the right thing, but everyone does deserve to be loved and spoken to as an equal, a man who abuses will never change wether he is sober or drunk, i know its hard but please just keep posting, you will leave when you decide to but start to put money away leave passports etc with relatives or friends and pack as much as u can, womens aid are brilliant

If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your children.

If you have a daughter, do you want her to grow up and marry an abusive man? Do you want her to put up with domestic violence when she is a woman? Because that is what she learnt at home?

If you have a son, do you want him to grow up thinking it is ok to beat the woman you love? Do you want his girlfriend to end up in a refuge or worse? Because this is what he learnt at home?

I know it's hard, but the children have got to be your first priority. What they see now is what they will use to base their own adult lives on. And don't imagine that if your dh doesn't do it in front of them again, that they won't know. Children do know.

abuse cycle

traumatic bonding

Puddleduck - He says it's your fault for not showing you love him. This is NOT an excuse. There is no excuse for violence against a partner. If he can't cope with it, he should talk it through, or get counselling, or even end the relationship. He should not be beating the life out of you. It is not your fault, it is HIS.
DOn't be pulled in by 'I'm sorry', I love you etc. He has done it more than once, and it's getting worse.
I'm not one for shouting 'leave the bastard' but in your case, I would seriously urge you to get out. For your sake and your children's sake.

You need to think carefully about this. If your best friend was in a similar relationship, what advice would you give? If your child was in a similar relationship in 20 years time, what advice would you give?

It's so hard when you are in it to see it for what it is. You are in a violent relationship - it will only escalate. Do you want your children to witness this and model their future relationships on this?

I don't want to sound harsh - sorry if it comes across that way. I wish you all the best and hope that you can come through this, whatever you decide.

...

In the end it wears you down.
H not hit me, but gets intensely, frighteningly angry. but lived with outrageous jealousy. I have had enough, now he is desparate. But I am still scared of making him angry.

I have lost count of the people I have allegedly had something going on with (including women). Despite having never been unfaithfull.

I don't know what to advise, but it hurts.

Take care, listen to the advice and think long and hard about what you want. If you decide to give it another try, draw a thick black line and move on. But if it is ever crossed again, I would say leave.

All the best, look after yourself and your DC's,....xx