Can anyone help please?

[mpuddleduck]

Iam in shock,and don't know what to do.
dh isn't a violent man but hit me repeatedly 3 nights ago when drunk, saying I don't love him and who was I sh--ging, and in front of the children.
He said he was going to kill me and I left with the terrified children who had been woken by the crashing of furniture and slept in the car. But I had nowhere to go and came back.
dh hasn't said a word, we have been polite but not talked at all.
I have never found showing my emotions easy but I'm not sure I do love him anymore.
I would'nt say I'm in a violent relationship, he has been violent when drunk before, but not often, it is always my fault for not showing I love him, he just needs to be loved.

Honey,
hitting you repeatedly and threatenning to kill you is a deal breaker. It doesnt matter how nice he is the rest of the time.

He has an anger problem when he is drunk and his behaviour towards you is so not acceptable. He is trying to blame you saying you dont love him enough. He has serious issues. Normal men dont do that.

Really the only way you could realistically stay with him, was if he accepted he needs help and went to anger management classes to work on his problems - the GP surgery will have details.

If not, the others are right, you NEED to leave or throw him out, and make your DC feel safe. They shouldnt have to feel scared for mummy. Or scared of daddy. Daddy has a problem which you cant fix by "being more loving". How much more do you want your children to see? Arent you worth more than this?
Much love xxx

The vast majority of people are not 100% bad. Everyone has aspects that we like/love/admire. If he was 100% bad you would never have been attracted to him in the first place. If he was 100% bad it would be simple to leave him.

It is when the bad outweighs the good. In this case, the bad has most definitely outweighed the good, in so many ways.

A decent man would never hit you and there are many, many decent men out there. Your DH is an example of a minority of men who think it is ok to use their fists and emotional maipulation.

Your DH has unfortunately manipulated you into thinking that he is normal and you aren't. If he was so normal, then why is his violence and control such a big secret? It's a secret because people would be utterly disgusted with the way that he treats you, his wife, the mother of his children.

The more you read about abusive men, the more you post on here, the more you confide in your RL friend - the more you will undo the manipulation that he has put you through.

Jasper said *your dh MOST CERTAINLY IS a violent man.

He may well carry out his threat to kill you.

GET OUT NOW>>

My flower.. i agree with this post. I would like to add to it too.
He may well not actually WISH to carry out this threat but next time he hits you, if he hits you in the wrong place, it almost certainly WILL kill you.

I am so sorry you are going through thins.
I know how you fall in love with a really nice man, the one who is GREAT when sober, who kisses you, holds your hand, makes you feel wanted and special. This is how they suck you in.
You forgive when he shouts at, threatens or hits you because you are hoping that those times won't last long and you will have 'lovely DP/DH' back again, and all will be well.

I am sorry to tell you that as he has done it once, and got away with it, he will do it again. And you know what..it will probably rob you of any sense of self worth you have.. and will only stop when he hurts you too much (sorry to put it like this but you may as well start the funeral plan now) or when he hurts one of your dear children..because this is what it took for me to finally leave, a mixture of nearly ending up my life in a wheelchair, and him starting on the kids.

He affected me so much that i am now in another relationship that isn't ideal, but i put up for the sake of two things..1, he doesn't hit me, and 2, he has lovely kids who i could just not bear to be parted from
But where is my self respect? Long gone I lost so much self esteem that i can barely even raise the effort to get up in the morning let alone tell new DP that he is a twat and that i don't deserve to be shouted and sworn at.

You will feel like this, for a while, where is the self worth in you now to turn round and say "Oi you cunt..you hit me..prepare for a night in the cells buddy and a divorce letter when you come home. Shitbag."
Instead you are like "Maybe if i loved him more???"

IMO you must love him very very much to put up with him fucking hitting you. He doesn't deserve that kind of 'devotion' misplaced as it is.. he deserves to be flippin sleeping with one eye open and crawling round on his belly begging forgiveness.

You do realise he is a bully..as real men know they are stronger than us..they would not DREAM of hitting a female. Ever. My ExP would never of hit another man..only women and kids who couldn't fight back.

My opinion? You are wasting your very kind heart on this man. I can not advise you to leave or whatever, i have been where you are, i know its hard. You will be hit probably many many more times and harder each time until you get the courage to leave, it will also become more frequent..because it is NOT going to stop now it has started.
Your DC's will learn to keep out of the way but listen for your screams so they know you are still alive

IMO you should leave him now for his safety

Yes..his..because if you are anything like me, you will stay and try and love more, be hit more, get ground down more, until one day, walking round like a drugged up zombie, and not knowing who you are any more, not even caring whether you live or die, you will stick a knife in the bastards neck.

I am sure RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion won't mind me copying and pasting this just in case you didn't get to read it as kindly linked by another poster.

------------
I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

StercusAccidit, that has made me cry.....

Not my thread...but relevant in a lot of ways...

..being scared of the future and making changes doesn't justify living in an unhappy present.. But it doesn't make it any easier to make the changes..

Sorry atilla are u atillathemeercat.. if so its me bluesapphire77 this is my new name hun

I am just trying to explain to OP how this is going to pan out.. she may decide to stay but when she sees it going in the general direction everyone has said, inc. me, hopefully she will see it is time to get out.

I did try and be totally honest..if she splits with him she will still be affected for a long time, she will take a while to get back the self respect he has robbed from her, but i couldn't say 'leave and it will all be a bed of roses' cos it just isn't.
She will probably find another P with a victim radar if she decides to leave, hopefully she will be brave enough to snd them and any subsequent packing.. or stay single until she isn't a blip on victim radar any more and find herself a nice loving man who deserves the love she is wasting on her DH.

Cooee OP
Are you still here hun and are you ok xx

great posts ster, hope you ok

Fantastic posts stercus

Sorry atilla are u atillathemeercat.. if so its me bluesapphire77 this is my new name hun

Hi StercusAccidit aka bluesapphire,

I posted earlier on this thread (2/3). I am very saddened to read of AtillatheHoney's sitation and hope she finds the strength within herself to leave.

I am also saddened to read that you are still with this man who treats you so badly. No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

AttilatheMeerkat

Yoohoo hi attilathemeerkat
I thought it was you but with a bit of a namechange lol
yeah i am still with the (as reality would put it) grade 8 twat after getting rid of the grade 10 twat

BUT ... IMO... if i wasn't or hadn't been through some things i have, i wouldn't be able to help or sympathise with others.. so i guess i wouldn't change a thing about my life or past tbh
Even though sometimes i do wonder if i'm a shit magnet or if in a previos life i REALLY pissed him upstair off or something lol

The best thing would be for you to get some counselling just for you. After so long it would be hard break away, maybe harder than staying?????

mpuddle, we all understand how, now that the bruises are fading, the hope is rekindled that maybe it will be alright in the end.

Please go back and read your first post.

He hit you repeatedly - repeatedly....

He couldn't help it because he felt you didn't love him enough. THIS is the real danger sign. He feels entitled to hit you.
He may even concede that it would have been better not to hit you but his sense of entitlement remains. He still feels entitled to hit you again should he find himself with no option. You may not yet understand this but that is what's in his heart.

Have you read Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft? If not please get it?

I am sorry to drone on. I know you need all the support you can get and, believe me, you have it, please come back and talk. We know you can't just up and leave and you need time to make that decision.

How are things mpuddle? Hope everything is ok?

Hi,
Sorry for not replying, I decided to go away for a couple of days and had no internet access.
Dh thinks we can just carry on as normal I think he thinks I will calm down and change my mind about one of us needing to leave.
I still feel sick when I think about what I should or should not do.
Thankyou all for your replies, Iam reading and re-reading when I get the chance.

hi there there is a group on facebook that is very good to read too, hope u ok

.........take care.

Just coming back to this thread as Iam having serious doubts today. dh is away to give me space to think. dh has been away for 18 days, he has gone a long way away to his parents and is biding his time by playing cricket and fishing. He is phoning every few days to speak to the children and ask if I have any news (whether I have decided to try again). ds2 said after he spoke to him today, "daddy is going to bring me sweets when he comes home".
I have felt sort of numb since he left, although life feels much calmer.
I suppose Iam revisiting my origional post to remind myself why I needed space in the first place. dh says he is sorting himself out and will do anything to keep me and the children together, but I think I know in my heart it is just too late. I just can't stand the letters and texts that make me feel like a big bad ogre.

how could you be the ogre???

did you beat him in front of the children?

did you scare him out of the house and force him and the kids to sleep in the car?

did you take your insecurities and inadequacies out on him and attempt to excuse your violence by saying he didn't love you enough?

how much does he love you that he would do all of the above to you? how much does he love his kids that he would do it to them?

so a few self pitying texts and the promise of some sweets is supposed to take it all away?

do me a favour!

stop trying to excuse him, don't take responsibility for his actions. Do not accept any blame for this situation. It is not your fault he is a pathetic worm who can't control his fists.

You did the right thing in getting him out, now listen to that voice inside your head that tells you he must not be allowed back. EVER.

I know, but Iam the one who has to say I don't want us to live together as a family anymore. I can see the pattern from when we were first married, punching holes in the wall to the last event,it is just as so many MNetters have said.
But somewhere in my head I think what if he does change? 90% of the time he is a good dad, and it goes on,I know I want to stay apart, but don't want to admit it. Iam sorry Mn is the only place to let off steam and try and make sense of all this.

He won't change. Abusers never change because they have an unshakeable conviction that what they are doing is right, that they areentitled to demand obedience, to own and control their partners and to enforce their will with violence.
He doesn't 'love' you, he thinks you are a possession he can do what he likes with.

You are NOT the one who broke the family up - he did that, can't you see?

You are the one who is doing what she can to protect her children.

You said he was "biding his time" - that is exactly what he is doing. Waiting. Waiting for you to give in. What he should be doing is getting help, seeing a psychiatrist, having anger management therapy, doing something ANYTHING to change his horrible violent ugly personality.

But no, he is fishing ffs, fishing and feeling sorry for himself and conjuring up pathetic promises to his kids so that he can worm his way back in to their lives.

He ended it on the night you wrote about in your OP. This is the consequence of HIS actions.

Hear, hear mrsboogie.

mpuddleduck - him wearing you down with guilt and layering it on, sucking in with you, making promises.....all things he has been doing for years.

Making you feel like you are some bad person if you choose not to take him back plus it is pretty low of him to be trying to reel the kids in and telling them he is coming back, when at this moment that is not certain. It is his way of making you feel bad, playing on a mothers guilt and he knows it....grrr! TBH, I'd probably expect more tricks of this nature, anything designed to make you feel guilty.....maybe sending you flowers, talking fondly of old happy times etc.

You have come so far and have even started to tentatively feel some moments calm in your life....which is truly fantastic!!

There is no big rush for you to do anything, except to realise that it is completely fine for you to cope without him, no need to feel guilty for that, or anything else for that matter! Calm is what you deserve and I hope you get loads of it

this thread breaks my heart.
mpuddleduck, punching you ONCE is more than reason to leave.

When you read in the papers about women who are killed by their partners, who do you think these women are?

jasper, I know, there was a news report just a few days after my first post here. I don't think I have ever told anyone before but I used to hide the big knives when dh was out drinking .
HG I think I need to come to a conclusion for myself and the children, so we can move on, my 5 yr old still thinks daddy is just away for a holiday like has happened before.
Although I feel guilty, I also think it would be kinder to dh to let him move on too.
The longer it goes on the more I think maybe IIam over reacting, and the more the doubts creep in.

mpuddleduck, the reason you have doubts is because your H has reduced your ability to believe in yourself and your judgement to such an extent that you are lost.
You are NOT over-reacting. Of course he doesn't want to lose you, he will have to start the mindgames and control-building with someone else and it will take time to wear them down to the extent that you have been.

He is certainly not going to change IF you give in and agree to get back together with him - because why would he? You tried to leave him, he will have persuaded you back, he will have WON, he will have CONTROL and POWER over you and boy will you pay for it.

The reason the doubts are creeping in is because the distance from the pain of what happened is dulling the picture - try and keep it clear and bright to remind you of why you need to be apart from this man.

Good luck - you CAN do this by yourself for yourself and your DC.