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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married ladies- how did you catch and keep your hubby? I need help!

106 replies

poshsinglemum · 26/02/2009 14:23

Hi everyone.
As the name suggests I am a single mum. I don't want to get on the dating scene for another couple of years or so but need advice for when I do. I have never been married and I've always gone for the wrong men. I am totally clueless about relationships and have had several very destructive relationships and lots of flings. DD's dad turned out to be nuts and due to complicated circumstances is now abroad and can't see dd due to passport complications. I have given up for now and resigned myself to possible permanent singledom. I'm trying not to be bitter about men and love.
I am generally very happy and now I have dd I no longer feel desperate for a bloke.(I think that desperation was a very real problem of mine and attracted the wronguns.) However, I feel like I'm missing out. So just for fun- how did you meet, keep and marry your dh? Has anyone done ''the rules''? I tried but threw the book away as it did my head in or is it really better to let the man chase you? Has anyone done the chasing and caught the man of their dreams? Would be really interested to know how people met their partners and how they kept them interested. It just seems like so much hard work.

OP posts:
MannyMoeAndJack · 27/02/2009 08:07

We met at work. I let him come to me. I was patient and waited until he rang, etc. In other words, I let him do the majority of the running.

'keeping him interested' - this part should easy if you are genuinely right for each other. If you feel as though you are working hard or somehow changing yourself to make a relationship work, then you are probably not right for each other.

Good luck!

sleeplessinstretford · 27/02/2009 09:04

I was on my own with a dd for erm years-had nice job,house,career and utterly disastrous love life although I quite liked it like that as whilst i was shagging random unsuitables/marrieds none of them would interfere with my life/dd which was what i wanted. I was perfectly happy with this situation and didn't want to ever live with anyone/have any more kids-so-I used to work in london a couple of nights a week and he lived there,he was a fof,thought he was gay (he smelled too nice/dressed to camply to be straight) and was too considerate-We started to email/text/hang out when I was working down there and had 2 hours to kill between meetings he'd come see me. Anyway,after 6 months of us hanging out (we'd got really close,i still thought he was gay so had shared hotel rooms with him etc.)he sent me a valentine with a poem in saying he thought i was beautiful and always would-i still thought he was gay and put this down to his considerate side-anyway,a month later he left his friends birthday in the countryside to get back into london to meet me for breakfast on my birthday and his birthday kiss was longer and 'more mouthy' than an amicable one-next time i saw him,i got horribly pissed and shagged him-it was amazing-did long distance thing for a year or so longer-i got accidentally pregnant-he moved up here and now lives with me and our 2 daughters in my house-i don't work and he supports all of us in his own sweet way. I love him so much i can't believe this has happened to me.
We laugh at the same stuff,he thinks i am unbelievably beautiful, his best friend told me that the day after he met me he'd told him he'd met the girl he was going to marry.I got a good one when i needed one-and i do nothing to keep hold of him other than love him and say thank you to him-that's the key-saying thank you and not taking each other for granted and then it's reciprocated.
sorry, very long that wasn't it?

cheekysealion · 27/02/2009 13:12

Nailpolish i love you post!!!!!!

Were you friends for the 11 years before you were together as a couple? did you have other relationships in that time? {nosy emotion}

Gorionine · 27/02/2009 13:23

we where introduced to each other by my best friend. We got on like a house on fire and got married 5 months later. Still very happy after 13 years and 4 DCs.

For us it is little things really like letting one sleep a bit longer in the morning or make them a cup of tea without having to ask... little attentions go a very long way here. Most of all I think being positive and see OH bad habits as "potential qualities" also helps.

Millytwohearts · 27/02/2009 16:19

Hi there

I met my DH on Dating Direct 3 years ago. We married two years ago and have two beautiful DDs ( 19 months and 10 weeks!) I have recommended DD to my Sister-in Law and to my niece and they have both found wonderful new life partners. Let me know if I can tell you anything else.

ruty · 27/02/2009 16:26

sorry but LOL at 'feed him, fuck him, rinse and repeat'

Homebird8 · 27/02/2009 17:32

My DH gatecrashed my birthday party in 1992 and never went home. I hated him, he hated me. We grew accustomed to each other and then realised we didn't want to be apart. We're coming up to our 14th wedding anniversary in May. 2 DSs who keep us on our toes but we're a team and that's what matters. He's also my best friend (but don't tell the girls)!

Sycamoretree · 27/02/2009 17:57

DH was working freelance for the company I still work for when I got my first assistant job. They asked him to cover my desk when I went on my summer holiday. When I came back, he had "re-done" all my "systems" and everyone said how marvellous he was. Needless to say I was very and even more put out when they asked him to stay on another couple of weeks to do some extra work. We were forced to sit opposite each other. He was so far from being my type as to be ridiculous. One particularly hot day he sauntered down to our reception and I suddenly got an email form our receptionists computer from him. Let just say, it was quite, erm, saucy . I was so suprised by my reaction to the email that I agreed to go for a drink....10 years and 2 kids later, we are still very much in love. I think my advice therefore would be to keep your eyes open, and take a chance on someone, even if at first they don't seem like your "type".

Staying happy for me = staying silly and not taking life too seriously. Backing each other up, bolstering each other against the shit life throws at you, and always remembering to say thank you for a cup of tea and reminding them that you still cherish them. And always, always saying sorry when you've been unreasonable - even if it takes a week to eventually swallow your pride!

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 27/02/2009 18:56

This sort of thing makes my toes curl too and I specialised in feminist literature at University but I hated it. Virginia Woolf makes my toes cuurl too. So how to be a modern, independant lady and yet have a relationship.
In short, what I really mean is HOW DOES ONE HAVE A SUUCCESSFUL relationship? Do tell me- I havn't a clue! After all, those women who are flaming me probably have succesful relationships- no?

Come on girls- I'm really not that sad- as I said-it is a FIGURE OF SPEECH!

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 27/02/2009 18:57

lol ruty- that's what I've been told!

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 27/02/2009 19:01

I'm a bit jealous of all you ladies who met said dh when drunk. I've met loads of men whilst drunk and most of them have turned out to be fuckwits. i've met loads of men whilst sober but they fancy the prettier, thinner girls.

It's easy for attached women to groan at ''catch them and keep them'' naff phrase coz unlike me they havn't been more or less single for 10 years. Please don't put the smug into being married.
I am really apprechiating those with amusing/ heart-felt stories. Keep them coming- you may even restore my faith in romance!

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 27/02/2009 19:03

we all just did-strip away all the hot dates/presents/treats- imagine one of you washing up while the other one dries and puts away and still enjoying each others company then you have it- you do need to work at it a bit-but if there's nothing there when all the bangles and bows are stripped away you'll struggle. As my grandma used to see- one day you'll find the lid to your teapot...

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 27/02/2009 19:04

Reality- I do agree with you also- Since dd's birth my outlook ha scompletely changed and I am genuinely loving setting up home on my own and I have no interest in dating but it does make me sad as most of my mates have lovely, supportive partners and daddies for their kids and it makes me wonder where it all went wrong.
Mabe light-hearted with a tinge of sadness.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 27/02/2009 19:36

am as many of you make it sound so simple and i guess true love should be simple.
i met dd'd dad when wasn't drunk. he asked me directions but he wasn't lost.he just wanted an excuse to talk. we exchanged numbers. he kept texting and chasing and although i liked him i was very cool as was very busy with my pgce. he kept going on about kids and i couldn't believe i'd met someone who was so keen. i got pregnant and he freaks out and fucks off abroad leaving me heartbroken. shrugs. now he wants to see dd but can't coz his passport has expired in iran and he's stuck there. i always thought that love would win but in this case it wont. cries.
am truly grateful to him for giving me the most wonderful baby girl.

OP posts:
MannyMoeAndJack · 27/02/2009 20:09

'as many of you make it sound so simple'

Well, I think a lot is down to luck too, plus being in the right place at the right time and actually being ready for that person at that moment. If I'd met my dh when I was much younger, less experienced, less travelled, etc, then it may not have worked out at all.

As Oprah Winfrey said, 'Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity'.

Sycamoretree · 27/02/2009 20:13

You are witty and smart and in touch with your emotions. You are also clearly open to the idea of a loving relationship and now see where things went wrong in the past.

You can't do much more than this - give yourself a break. I won't give you platitudes - I've got too many single girlfriends in their late 30's to be that patronising. But you sound really nice, and funny etc etc.

And you are thinner and prettier than many girls out there...

helsbels4 · 27/02/2009 20:35

I met my dh when we were both still at school and worked part-time as students in a supermarket. I fancied him from the moment I saw him but he already had a girlfriend (we were only 16!) We were still working at the supermarket and he was still with his girlfriend a year or so later, so I started kind of seeing another boy who worked with us. Next thing I know, my now dh had dumped his girlfriend and wanted to know me! We had a few drunken fumbles but got together when we were eighteen, moved in together when we were 24 and married at 26. We've been married for 13yrs in May. We have had major wobbles along the way though and at times it has been really tough but during those times when I can't stand him, I wonder how life would be without him around and I don't think I could stand that either. Oh and I didn't take my vows of marriage lightly either, so that plays a part for me too.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 27/02/2009 21:01

Sycamore tree- I love you! Thank you!

OP posts:
HeadFairy · 27/02/2009 21:21

I met dh while we were both crew on a round the world yacht race. I joined the race to get away after I'd had a bad break up and was sworn off men. I don't think I did anything special, heck I didn't have a shower or wash my hair for the first 4 weeks after we met as we were at sea the whole time. I think the most important thing is to be yourself, be passionate about the things you love, believe in yourself and you will attract the right people.

I think resorting to any kind of tactics to snare and keep a man only results in a relationship that's based on lies. If you never shave your legs in front of him and only ever nibble carrot sticks at meal times with him, how on earth are you ever going to give birth in front of him (if you go on to have children) or be honest in any way about anything?

dustbuster · 27/02/2009 21:30

sleepless in stretford - I love your story!

womblingfree · 28/02/2009 10:05

Met DH when I was going out with one of his friends, who I had met when (v. loosely) dating another mate of theirs, and via a couple of dates with my now BIL!

What can I say - I live in a fairly small town !

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 28/02/2009 10:20

Hi Headfairy,

I agree with you. I actually messed up a lot due to tactics and it feels unnatural. In the future I'm going to be myself and if he dosn't like it he's not mr right.

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 28/02/2009 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GentleOtter · 28/02/2009 11:56

My dh was a hard one to crack because of our mutual shyness. It took three dates before he would speak and nine months before he kissed me. I persevered as I knew he was a good man and worthy of the effort.
It took an entire bottle of sloe gin one night to break the ice - he stayed and never left.

Trust, friendship, humour and honesty are good values - love seems to fall in to place after that.

sparkyoldbint · 28/02/2009 13:24

Reality is one hell of a fortunate lady and describes how a relationship should be. I reckon I'm pretty lucky too, at age 50 (after one disatrous marriage to the wrong bloke) I met my fiance online. We've had a few ups and downs (largely due to the fact that we currently live 200 miles apart and that makes it very hard) but have smoothed it all out I hope and couldn't be happier.

I was happy in myself before I met him and have DD of 9 so he's a wonderful bonus. We add to eachother's lives and now that we've been together a while and understand eachother, I feel pretty sure that this could be for keeps. Not sure if I actually want to get married though but perhaps that's a case of once bitten twice shy. Never really played games with him but in the early stages it's definitely best if you let a man think he's the hunter; even if you have your sites on him, let him do the running. All you have to do is sit back a bit and let him prove himself to you before you take it any further. Would say though that a lot of frogs need to be kissed along the way.