Married ladies- how did you catch and keep your hubby? I need help!

[poshsinglemum]

Hi everyone.
As the name suggests I am a single mum. I don't want to get on the dating scene for another couple of years or so but need advice for when I do. I have never been married and I've always gone for the wrong men. I am totally clueless about relationships and have had several very destructive relationships and lots of flings. DD's dad turned out to be nuts and due to complicated circumstances is now abroad and can't see dd due to passport complications. I have given up for now and resigned myself to possible permanent singledom. I'm trying not to be bitter about men and love.
I am generally very happy and now I have dd I no longer feel desperate for a bloke.(I think that desperation was a very real problem of mine and attracted the wronguns.) However, I feel like I'm missing out. So just for fun- how did you meet, keep and marry your dh? Has anyone done ''the rules''? I tried but threw the book away as it did my head in or is it really better to let the man chase you? Has anyone done the chasing and caught the man of their dreams? Would be really interested to know how people met their partners and how they kept them interested. It just seems like so much hard work.

If I could combine solidgold's and becstar's advice, I think that would sound about right:

don't think you have to have one

but if you do: try to make most situations in married life win-win rather than "I have to win" or (a trap many women fall in) "he has to win"

I can't really answer.
Would you like me to get DH to post when he gets home. He can tell you how he persued me and managed to both win and then keep me.
Lucky man

Agree with nailpolish, basically .

Don't ever wait around for a man - you need to guide him to where you want him to be. But he needs to think it was all his own idea.

Well my wife didnt really 'catch' me as such.

However, I knew for sure that we would eventually get married from literally the moment we met. Not love at first sight really but more a sort of immediate logical conclusion. At first, she hated me of course so that was a bit of problem.

Anyway, as luck would have it we shared a kitchen and a bathroom at University and one day she asked me to come to her room (she had stopped hating me by now). I went for a coffee and a bit of a chat and as I was leaving she pinned me against the wall and gave me the biggest snog of my life.

I didn't leave for another two hours . Never been apart since then.

RE: Keeping a man/him keeping you, agree with lots of others tbh

Sex, laughter, having consideration for the other's feelings, supporting each other, be interested in the other's views/experiences (thats why I listen to boring techy stuff from DH and he listens to me bitch gossip about school run Moms)and sex.

As a single mum I tried internet dating (some scary, some odd, some really nice but not for me). I went out as often as I could (not very often) but most enjoyed going clubbing because I loved the cheesy 80s nights and dancing. My mother told me I'd never meet anyone 'nice' in place 'like that' (den of iniquity).

I met my dh in a club when I was very, very pissed happy. I wasn't looking for anyone (that night), I was on a hen night and just out for a giggle.

I didn't have to try and keep him- we were right for each other so it was entirely natural.

Hi all.
Seems like the rules is a load of bollocks then really what with all you go getting ladies.

i know catch him and keep him is a bit naff but ultimately men don't just fall into your lap. or do they?!

my problem isn't with the catching but with the keeping. i can't be that obnoxious.

I think to be happy in oneself is the way foward and defo don't let them see you shave your legs

lolwith those who mantain make them think it's their idea- it's so true i think.

ROFL at some of these responses!

If you are the sort of woman who likes the sort of man who needs to feel he is the boss, then proceed accordingly. I imagine it involves flirting and being chased and allowing yourself to be caught and being mysterious and so on.

If on the other hand you are the sort of woman who likes to be in charge and is happy with a man who is happy with that, then proceed accordingly. Fix him with your gimlet eye, pursue him and charm him and live happily ever after.

If you have to use "tactics" which don't come naturally and are meant to attract the sort of mate which actually isn't your type, you can only be onto a loser

I do agree that ''keeping'' should come naturally with the right person so mabe i havn't found the right person yet. Am 30 though so a bit confused really. Am i too old or young to find the one?

In my mid twenties, I got sick of men dumping me and decided to change my behaviour. Basically, I became a complete bitch!!

Anyway, it worked.

I developed a strict policy of 'I don't phone men' which worked well and usually got the desired result. It did result in an argument with DP though after we'd been together for 6 months and I was still refusing to phone him.

I'm over it now

I'm a diehard feminist and The Rules make me shudder, but sadly much of the theory does actually work.

Men don't want something they think they can have. They want something they think they'll never be lucky enough to get. Make sure that's you.

30 is exactly just the right age to meet "the one" posh

PSM,

Why do you yourself think you're both clueless about relationships and had lots of destructive relationships?. Have you ever thought about that?. Are you falling for the same type of emotionally unavailable man each time?.

Would be thinking about what you learnt about relationships from your own parents. You may have learnt a lot of damaging lessons from them and you will need to "unlearn" them. I would also say love yourself for a change. You need to love yourself fully before you can love another.

Would suggest you read "Women who love too much".

Hi Meercat,

I totally agree with what you have said. That's why I'm taking a few years out of the dating game and to be honest I am feeling miles more confident and happy than I have for ages. Dd is helping with that but also I am enjoying being alone and rediscovering myself which is liberating.

I think I have been going for emotionally unavailable men. When I met dd's dad I thought that he was too nice! He chased and chased, went on about kids, treated me with respect yet I had a hunch that his culture which is vastly different from my own would create problems. I was right. Still, it was refreshing to find a man who actually appeared to chase me.

My first love was very intense and lasted for five years. It was also too young and I felt older at 20 than I do now at 40. He was very controlling to the extent wher he controlled what I ate. I developed an eating disorder and ruined a promising career which has taken me ages to build up. I am therefore very cautious about getting heavily involved. I am also going to read Codependant no more.

DH and I met on a work night out - got v.drunk and ended up in bed together. Woke up the next morning blissfully happy and decided to get married.

I think the thing that was most important was that having decided we wanted to be together forever we were completely honest with each other. Told each other everything, what we wanted in life, now - in 5 years - in 10 years - in 20. Our goals and aspirations matched, so did our value system.

I see friends who have been in the same relationship for 5/10 years. Living together but not married, they grow and change but not necessarily together because they weren't making a lifetime of commitment when they started out, so talking about the future becomes a big scary elephant in the corner. I know some people manage a slow slide towards commitment successfully, but it doesn't work for everyone.

What nail polish said!

Met mine at a friends' wedding when I was 33. Saw him, smelt the pheremones, decided he was the one, flirted my little socks off all day and then played hard to get via email for about 3 months, after which I invited myself to visit him for a weekend (it was a long distance thing) and went and bonked his head off for two days. After which I pretended it was just a 2 night stand until he begged me to come again . Then once we got established I refused to move to his city and in with him until he had proposed, which he did a year after our first weekend.

I learned avaluable lesson- don't ignore that hunch or gut feeling.

at 30 sorry.

cathch and keep what the hell does that mean?

Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was 2009. My mistake. Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere around the early 60s.

I used this method

I never 'caught' DP and he's not my property to keep. We're not married, but if we were I would eat my own faeces before referring to him as 'hubby' as we are both adults...

I don't suppose I'm the type of woman from whom you wished to solicit opinions, am I?

I have no idea why my dh hasn't ran away screaming yet, especially at, hmm, a certain time of the month.
We met when I was 20 on holiday in Mexico of all places. Slept together within days, moved in within a year. Had 2 dcs and got married last year after 10 years, now pg again. We've got a 14 year age gap too, so no one thought a holiday romance with some one 14 yrs my senior would ever work out, but there you go, for some mysterious reason it works.
Hmmm, maybe our secret is that he's working away from home and I only have to put up with him every other week Or maybe our secret is simply that we have a nice mixture of things we do together and separately so we don't get too bored with eachother.

I dote on dd but I'm a bit that her dad didn't turn out to be the one. Tbh I had my doubts about her dad when I fell pregnant even though I loved him fiercly. However, I loved dd from the moment I knew I was pregnant and she will always be the real love of my life.