Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I am really quite worried about my SIL...

87 replies

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 21:50

My SIL has just called for a chat. It started off as a normal chat, with both of us having a grumble about partners etc, how the kids were and it ended with me feeling really worried about her.

She said her partner has been very distant with her this week and also quite nasty with his words. She said she didn't know what she had done but that she was now fed up with it. His mum has melanoma and obv he is worried about her, so that is what I suggested.

She then told me about an incident which had occured last week. Apparently he had hacked something in the garden and she wasn't happy with the result. She generally won't say anything about something which upsets her, but she was quite cross and told him. He came in and lunged at her while she was ironing. She held up the iron in front of her and told him not to touch her. He grabbed the iron and pinned her down and held his fist up to her. She said she then found my nephew hiding behind the table in the kitchen and he asked if his dad had hurt her.

Now I know this isn't first time he has done something like this and I am firstly am very very concerned about her. I have told her that under no circumstances must she allow him to treat her this way, I am concerned about the boys and I am concerned that she is playing it down and has lost all confidence in herself. I am really worried about her.

She asked me not to tell my DH (her brother) but i am feeling like I don't really have a choice but to tell him. They are close and I have absolutely no idea how he will take this. I worry that he will totally blow his top and storm down there (we live 2 hours away) Also am I betraying SIL's trust if I say something to DH? If she didn't leave him, she would never tell me anything again...and that worries me.

I don't know what to do!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 21:52

I also told her that if he ever does anything like that again, if she is ever scared, then to get the boys and come here. Not to even bother packing anything (her boys are similar ages to my two youngest). I told her how much we love her and that whatever happens we will be here for her, but i don't know what else to do/say.

OP posts:

inthemaking · 25/02/2009 21:59

All i can suggest you do is be there for her when she needs you!

I can't help with telling DH because I don't know what i would do!

Original poster

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 22:01

I think I may try to get her to come here fpr the weekend. I'll suggest it to her before I say anything to DH. Oh god I am really stuck!

OP posts:

catMandu · 25/02/2009 22:04

Oh Squirdle, I don't envy you the position you're in it must be hard for you. I think that as hard as it would be to upset SIL you must tell your dh. How would he feel if anything bad happens to her and you hadn't told him what you know. Could you perhaps tell him that it might make it worse for her if he goes in all guns a blazing, or that she might clam up and not tell you any more if your dh goes mad.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 25/02/2009 22:05

I think getting her to come for the weekend to you with the boys would be a good idea if she would come without her dp.

It would give you a chance to chat again. You might even persuade her to stay with you or seek help from your house rather than going back.

How worrying

hellymelly · 25/02/2009 22:07

Well I was in a relationship years ago where I was terrorised and although I was childless so the situation was different I am trying to think what might have helped me.
I think I would have liked my brother to wade in and help,he did in the end,but it was so hard to tell anyone what was really happening-I wanted friends to guess I suppose,also I was afraid that he might kill me when I tried to leave and I was afraid of him impacting on the life of anyone who helped,he felt like my responsibility.I think your offer of a place to go anytime is a good one,especially as it was said so kindly and without judgment,hopefully she will feel able to take you up on that.It is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't been through this just how your confidence and power can be whittled away over time.It gets so that you just get through each day and to try and think of changing things is very frightening,as you know that is likely to prompt and extreme response from the violent partner.I could have done with some secret money,to use in an emergency,and a place to go where I felt welcome and wanted.She trusts you and that is a very good thing-I think you have to tell your husband,and on some level she must realise this and almost be hoping for things to be slightly out of her hands.Talk it over with your dh and then maybe the both of you try and work out what you can do to help and then try and get to talk,you dh and his sister,in private.Good luck.

LaDiDaDi · 25/02/2009 22:07

I would tell your DH. this is domestic violence which flourishes in secrecy. The more people who are in a position to support your sil know then the better and the more likely she is to feel able to leave.

Original poster

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 22:10

It doesn't sound to me like she is anywhere near ready to leave him, but if she did come at the weekend it would be without him as he works on Saturdays.

DH is very protective of his family and I couldn't guarantee he wouldn't just snap without thinking it through.

She says she can't leave because it would upset my 7 yr old nephew too much. I have told her that yes he may be upset at first, but that he would accept it eventually and that it would cause many more issues for my nephew if he were to witness anything like the incident that occurred last week.

She's a bloody intelligent lady and always comes across as being so independant.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 25/02/2009 22:20

Yeah well I think I would have come across as independant too,and confident and clever,but fear does terrible things to you,over time it destroys you and changes your ability to act in the ways you imagine you would.There was something I read raised,years ago and it was this we always ask "why don't women leave violent men?" but that is putting the question the wrong way round,and blaming the wrong person,what we should ask is this "why won't men [like this ]let women leave?"

Scrumplet · 25/02/2009 22:24

How awful for your SIL and her son(s), Squirdle - and for you.

This is tricky because, while LaDiDaDi is right about domestic violence thriving on secrecy, your SIL has specifically asked you to keep this information from your DH. As you say, a breach of confidance on your part could ultimately reduce the odds of your SIL leaning on you when she really needs you.

Your SIL has asked you not to tell your DH - not anyone else. So can you contact Women's Aid and ask their advice? Can you get hold of some information about what domestic violence is and the effects it can have on child witnesses, and get your SIL to view it (maybe if she does come to stay) - seeing in black and white that what she's experiencing is abuse, may be the wake-up call she needs. Do you have another family member or mutual friend you could open up to about this before speaking to your DH?

It is very difficult - I appreciate that. I wish your SIL and her boys a safe, speedy exit from this awful situation.

Original poster

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 22:37

Yes speaking to someone totally disconnected to this has crossed my mind, I think I'm going to have to.

My SIL's words were that it has only happened 3 times in 16 years...but as far as I am concerned (and I told her) that is 3 times too many.

I am worried that she won't confide in me if I tell DH, but I am also worried about her in many many ways. Confidence, self esteem, self worth just to name but a few. This is not the SIL I know!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 22:39

Helly, your words have really given me something to think about.

I told her that I would be gone if DH ever even so much as threatened me. She says maybe she shouldn't have held up the iron to warn him off, but I said that I wouldn't have even needed to have thought about holding an iron up to ward DH off, I just know 100% he wouldn't threaten me!! She was obviously scared to have felt the need to protect herself!!

OP posts:

DesperateHousewifeToo · 25/02/2009 22:45

and maybe it has 'only' happened three times in sixteen years because she has learnt to tread on eggshells to keep him happy.

sb6699 · 25/02/2009 22:46

As others have said DV thrives on secrecy. But if you mention to dh who subsequently says something and she doesn't leave she could be in a very dangerous position.

Haven't posted about this before on here and don't want to go into details but I was only able to leave my abusive ex with help from my family.

Could you suggest to her to pack an emergency bag (overnight clothes, important documents such as bank books & passports) to leave at your house and that way if she does find herself in immediate danger she can just leave without worrying about those kinds of things.

Please urge her to contact Womens Aid who will be able to help her with her options.

Original poster

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 22:52

DHW, I think you are absolutely right.

sb, this is what I am worried about...I don't want it to end up that she doesn't trust me anymore. I have told her to come here immediately if she is scared at all. If i do say something to DH, i am going to have to think about it beforehand and hope that he understands that it could put her in a more awful situation if he does say something to her partner.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 25/02/2009 23:02

God, reading back my post wasn't helpful at all was it - probably just made you more confused - sorry it wasn't my intention just going by experience.

A good idea to get her to come over and maybe do some digging to see how bad the situation is. Maybe she's too scared to leave (I know I was - I seriously thought that if I tried to leave and he caught me in the process I would end up dead) and is hoping that now she has told someone they will be able to make her do it. If she comes over and opens up to you that is probably the case.

Finding it a bit difficult on how to advise you as I don't know her or her situation.

Ronaldinhio · 25/02/2009 23:10

I'm sorry but if it were me I'd tell my dh ie her brother.
I know that I may get flamed for this but the next time might be the last time and not in a positive sense.
If you won't do it for her do it for your dns.

Don't allow it to go on.
Let her know that you love her and your dns and that is why she must do something about it now and why you have done something about it (told your dh)
Living with violent or the threat of violence on not acceptable for her children. She has a choice they have none.

WundaWuman · 26/02/2009 07:13

Alternative view here! I think that it's important not to betray her trust. She has confided in you (and perhaps no one else) and you need to think about supporting her if she does not get out of this situation straight away. I would however tell DH that you are very concerned for her, without giving all the details. Def get her to stay at yours very soon and make sure she has enough kid-free time with her bro so that they can have a good chat.

PottyCock · 26/02/2009 07:23

I'm speaking from experience here as my sister had a very violent partner until around a year ago. None of us knew until she confided in my DB's gf, who did tell my DB, and then we all knew. In our case that was a positive thing - we could all pool resoures, get our heads together and decide on a colective approach.

This included talking to her, writing to her - me telling him we all knew what he was doing and that we (and the police) were watching him closely. We didn't agree on the last one as a course of action but we had a scary moment when she put the phone down on my Dad and we all thought the worst and I dashed round to her house in a horrible panic.

The police were v helpful to us and although they said they could not do a background check because of privacy issues, they obv did do one and assured us we were right to be extremely worried, and to encourage my sister to have a safety plan in place in case she needed to get out at short notice.

After she refused offers of help we then decided to just stand back comletely and wait for her to ask for help when she felt she needed it - it took a while, almost a year, but she did get strength to stand up to him and kick him out. Then we were there, no questions, no recriminations. The best thing you and your family can do is make sure you are ready to help if and when she needs you to.

PottyCock · 26/02/2009 07:23

Sorry about all the typos

Nabster · 26/02/2009 08:03

I think you need to have another talk with her and try and get her to understand how her brother would feel if anything else happened and he found out you had known.

I feel so frustrated with situations like this as I can see both sides. Two of my partners hit me and I didn't leave straight away. If my husband did to me what hers has done though he would be out.

Her poor boy seeing that.

Original poster

Squirdle · 26/02/2009 09:28

This has been going round and round in my head all night. I am going to call her this morning and see if she will come up for the weekend. It doesn't have to be a 'you must get out of there weekend' just a nice weekend together.

DH and DS1 kayak on a Sunday morning (DS goes off to his own thing) and SIL is very into kayaking/canoeing, so I will suggest I have the boys while she goes off to do that with DH and DS. If nothing else, she gets a morning to do something she enjoys with her brother.

I'm really worried about betraying her trust but just as worried about keeping it from DH.

I don't think her partner is extremely violent, I don't think it happens on a regular basis (but I could be wrong I guess) What concerns me atm is the way she is, her lack of confidence, making excuses for him etc. If he thinks he can control her with threats and violence, it'll only get worse won't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 26/02/2009 09:29

Yes and my poor little nephew he is so sweet and lovely. I need to get into her that her boys cannot see any of this behaviour...they will begin to think it is ok to behave like that if they see it enough. I don't know if my nephew actually saw it happen, but he certainly heard something

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 26/02/2009 09:33

She has said the time before this when he caused physical injuries, she went to the doctors who logged her injuries. She also told her MIL what he had done. She said she told him she wasn't going to keep it quiet then. Trouble is now, she won't say anything to her MIL while she is ill and I am beginning to think she is losing the confidence to speak out. I am pretty sure I am the only one she has told otherwise.

OP posts:

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 09:34

Tell your husband.

I was in a violent relationship, and very ashamed. I wanted it to be a secret, but that was before I had the bag removed from my head and realised that there was nothing that could be worse. Poverty, poor accommodation, stigma, recriminations and repurcussions of leaving, stress of handovers, stress of court case?/maintenance.

NOTHING IS worse than being in violent relationship, and so even though I completely understand where she is coming from, tell her brother so that this facade is blown to bits and they can start the rest of their lives soon rather than later.

Your husband's poor little nephew. My dc1 aged 4 and a half had regressed to wetting her knickers again.

Flip

1 2 3 4