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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am really quite worried about my SIL...

87 replies

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 21:50

My SIL has just called for a chat. It started off as a normal chat, with both of us having a grumble about partners etc, how the kids were and it ended with me feeling really worried about her.

She said her partner has been very distant with her this week and also quite nasty with his words. She said she didn't know what she had done but that she was now fed up with it. His mum has melanoma and obv he is worried about her, so that is what I suggested.

She then told me about an incident which had occured last week. Apparently he had hacked something in the garden and she wasn't happy with the result. She generally won't say anything about something which upsets her, but she was quite cross and told him. He came in and lunged at her while she was ironing. She held up the iron in front of her and told him not to touch her. He grabbed the iron and pinned her down and held his fist up to her. She said she then found my nephew hiding behind the table in the kitchen and he asked if his dad had hurt her.

Now I know this isn't first time he has done something like this and I am firstly am very very concerned about her. I have told her that under no circumstances must she allow him to treat her this way, I am concerned about the boys and I am concerned that she is playing it down and has lost all confidence in herself. I am really worried about her.

She asked me not to tell my DH (her brother) but i am feeling like I don't really have a choice but to tell him. They are close and I have absolutely no idea how he will take this. I worry that he will totally blow his top and storm down there (we live 2 hours away) Also am I betraying SIL's trust if I say something to DH? If she didn't leave him, she would never tell me anything again...and that worries me.

I don't know what to do!!!

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:05

Very good analogy about the plaster RIMOD, that's exactly what it's like.

I posted documents to my parents house before I left. I walked away with the clothes on our backs. Nothing more.

Mere possessions. When we got back my Mum brought the children to Tesco and got htem new clothes. I had been so worried taht my parents friends would judge me or pity me. But instead, they were turning up with m&s and next vouchers for me so that I could buy a few new bits (they knew we'd left with the clothes we had on). Other people turned up with toys for the children. All the people I'd been so afraid of letting down or so afraid that they would judge me, I was absolutely moved to tears by their support. I hope your SIL gets a chance to see that when she does leave, people will be so supportive of her.

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:07

Squirdle, you're a good SIL. [hug] bloody hard for you too.

Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 11:15

But I feel soooo helpless...I don't feel like I am or can do anything

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:19

I put my mother through this for about two years before I finally left. I nearly drove her to a nervous breakedown. I confided in her alone, and obviously she begged me to leave. She told me she would look after us all and still for some reason I was paralysed to leave.

But I did get there eventually, and with your total support which she's so lucky to have, Ithnk your sil will get there too.

It takes a while for the scales to fall from your eyes.

Realising that my four year old daughter was wettig her knickers was a real wake up and smell the coffee moment for me. Your sil will have her own MOMENT at some point, and that'll be it then. she won't look back.

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:22

You should continue to carry on talking to the wmen's aid too because they can help you. YOU need a crutch too, if you are your SIL's coping valve.

Perhaps, let your sil know that you can't be at peace yourself until she takes herself and your nephews to safety.

Lay a little bit of responsibility at her door on that count..

Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 11:34

I have just persuaded SIL to come up tomorrow after school. She says she will go back on Saturday night because her partner will want to spend time with the boys I quite blantantly said it doesn't really matter what he wants, if he is causing that atmosphere in the home then the boys need a break from it as does she!! Anyway, I have left it to her to decide when she wants to go home, but the main thing is, she is coming for a bit.

She says she is fine...again , she feels stronger today...again

I have just said again, we are here for her anytime.

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:35

Tell her that you realise that she alone can't stand up to him., but allow you and her brother to stand behind her and the three of you together will be a strong united force. He can't bulldoze over three of you. If only she would let you stand behind her.

RIMOD's analogy of ripping off the plaster is so spot on. It is so exactly like that.

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:42

What she says about feeling strong today strikes a chord. I used to tell myself that.

But sTrength is realising and insisiting that one's life not be offered up as a sacrafice merely for somebody else's convenience.

Once she's left him, she won't need 'strength' just to get from one end of the day to the other. She'll be able to use her strength to move forward. Build a happy life. NOt to just carry on treading water for ever. This isn't strength. This is treading water. Keeping her head below the parapet until the next blow up.

HOPE this helps you by the way, knowing how to reason with whatever arguments she presents to you as 'reasons to stay with him'.

Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 11:45

bytheliffey, thank you. You have helped so much...all of you. It has made things a little clearer in my mind. I think i will see how she is over the weekend and then maybe broach the subject with DH on Sunday.

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:53

NO matter what she says to you, no matter what reason she gives to stay with him, it's distorted thinking on her part.

I only understood this myself after I left.

I feel for you too, after she's left, once she gets back on her feet, she'll have ROOM to think about how it was hard for you too.

Take carexxxx

Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 11:55

I'm not worried that she isn't thinking this is hard for me...she has enough to worry about. I just want to see her happy.

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 11:57

ps, do tell your husband, her brother!!

The need to HIDE things shows that she realises his behaviour is unacceptable. SO, feeling 'strong today' comments aside, she is there because her self-esteem is damaged. She is deciding to carry on enduring behaviour she knows is unacceptable.

Be honest to people who love you and have her best interests at heart.

LadyBee · 26/02/2009 12:06

Squirdle, I was going to suggest that you broach the subject when your husband is around on Friday when she comes up. Could you just talk about your worries for her safety, openly and honestly, while her and your DH are both in the room?

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 12:09

Squirdle, I don't usually post pics of my children, but they're on my profile now. Two 'before' photos, where neither of the children could muster up a smile for the camera.

The last photo I took just before christmas walking home from school, they were both laughing so I took out my mobile and snapped them.

The difference is amazing. They were quite glum before I can see that know. Poor things.

Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 12:12

That will be difficult LadyBee, not just because it will be difficult iyswim, but also because we have a 15 year old who will be desperate to spend time with his aunty without the little ones around (while they are in bed)

I think I will see how DH thinks she was on Sunday...that could be a way into letting him know the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 12:13

Liffey they look worried before but now they look much happeir! Beautiful children btw

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 12:15

happier

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 12:15

I think so. It was only when I came home that I realised those smiles were forced.

Original poster
Squirdle · 26/02/2009 12:15

Right I need to go and collect my littlest man from nursery now. Thank you all so much for your invaluable help.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/02/2009 12:16

point out to her the damage being done to the chldren by them witnessing any of these incidents. how will they grow up ? they will assume this is ok.

it isnt.

you are doing the right thing to be there.

keep saying " i am concerned for your safety and that of the children, you know you can come here anytime day or night"

point out that it only takes a moment, a slip for a blow to land in the "wrong" place, or an iron to slip (and this was self defense what she did) - or a child to come between them to try to protect... the consequences could be disastrous...

and tell her to rememeber that abusers/violent people do not abuse 24/7.

they dont look like abusers.

that is partly why we all took so long to leave....and the denial - we never want to believe that the person we made love with to have children together could possibly do this to us...

it comes in waves, and is separated by moments of charm and even tenderness (remorse). cycle of abuse

buy her the lundy bancroft book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (Paperback - 1 Sep 2003)
23 Used & new from £6.76

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 12:18

chat later, hard for you too.

Lx

cestlavielife · 26/02/2009 12:19

liffey - spot on - we me and children werent "allowed" to laugh or sing* before - now we do so all the time....

*literally - dcs were even told off in car for singing as he "had a headache" ...

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 12:27

same here. I always had to keep them quiet.

Flightattendant27 · 26/02/2009 12:28

I think tell him. She is probably worried her dp will know she let the cat out of the bag and therefore treat her worse.

You have to be aware this could happen and have measures in place before anyone goes storming in.

Whose name is their house in? Can you ring womens aid and get their advice?

I think your DH needs to be told as it can't be allowed to happen - first rule in a case of bullying is TELL someone.

Flightattendant27 · 26/02/2009 12:29

Plus it's likely to get worse.

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