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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am really quite worried about my SIL...

87 replies

Squirdle · 25/02/2009 21:50

My SIL has just called for a chat. It started off as a normal chat, with both of us having a grumble about partners etc, how the kids were and it ended with me feeling really worried about her.

She said her partner has been very distant with her this week and also quite nasty with his words. She said she didn't know what she had done but that she was now fed up with it. His mum has melanoma and obv he is worried about her, so that is what I suggested.

She then told me about an incident which had occured last week. Apparently he had hacked something in the garden and she wasn't happy with the result. She generally won't say anything about something which upsets her, but she was quite cross and told him. He came in and lunged at her while she was ironing. She held up the iron in front of her and told him not to touch her. He grabbed the iron and pinned her down and held his fist up to her. She said she then found my nephew hiding behind the table in the kitchen and he asked if his dad had hurt her.

Now I know this isn't first time he has done something like this and I am firstly am very very concerned about her. I have told her that under no circumstances must she allow him to treat her this way, I am concerned about the boys and I am concerned that she is playing it down and has lost all confidence in herself. I am really worried about her.

She asked me not to tell my DH (her brother) but i am feeling like I don't really have a choice but to tell him. They are close and I have absolutely no idea how he will take this. I worry that he will totally blow his top and storm down there (we live 2 hours away) Also am I betraying SIL's trust if I say something to DH? If she didn't leave him, she would never tell me anything again...and that worries me.

I don't know what to do!!!

OP posts:

singyswife · 26/02/2009 12:35

Here is a piece of information that will shock you but will hopefully make her do the right thing.

By allowing a child to see this happening she is technically allowing him to be mentally abused and social services would not take kindly to this. He may share this information with the wrong person and they social services will find out and I am afraid to say your SIL will be charged with neglecting the needs of her child by allowing him to witness this.

I know this from someone in RL who had similar happening to them (more often) but ultimately she decided that she was failing her children because they were witnessing this bahaviour and it would effect their lives.

Im sorry if I upset you by posting this but I couldnt ignore this one.

Original poster

Squirdle · 27/02/2009 15:23

Dh is going to be home in about 2 minutes and SIL is arriving at 6 ish. Do i tell him now before she comes?

OP posts:

PottyCock · 27/02/2009 15:28

I vote you tell him. The worst thing people can do is perpetrate secrecy around this kind of thing imvho.

bytheLiffey · 27/02/2009 15:28

Yes do it. Blow this horrible life of hers into pieces. Take control of her life. She probably wants it to take but is paralysed as to what to do next.

Tell her that you are sorry but that you will take the flack she throws at you. As somebody said, when a child is being bullied the first rule of thumb is "tell somebody" and in this instance, tell her you're very sorry but you need to tell her brother who loves her and genuinely has her best interests at heart.

Tell her, again, sorry, but you're not going to keep her secret to cover up for a man that does NOT have her best interests at heart.

GL. She is luckier than most in her shoes as she has you and her brother. I wish I could be there too, just to tell her that AFTER you leave a man like this, it is like a bag coming off your eyes.

bytheLiffey · 27/02/2009 15:29

Sorry, I mean, wants her life to change.

Original poster

Squirdle · 27/02/2009 16:02

Right I have told him. He is understandably upset and really glad she is coming here today. He wants to tell her that I have told him

He says she needs to know that if she wants him to be there, he will be. He would obviously like to go and give her partner the same treatment, but he realises (I hope) that would be the wrong thing to do.

Right I shall wibble off now to go and get some lovely treats for SIL. I am glad I told DH, but now am worried about how SIL will take that

OP posts:

bytheLiffey · 27/02/2009 16:27

It's the right thing to do. You need to get this ball rolling. Her thinking is distorted and she wants to keep things secret but your thinking is not distorted and you know you need to expose the bad guy and tell the person who loves her.

She might feel you've betrayed her, but she will forgive you. SHe'll thank you.

This will probably all blow up massively. You have to all stay strong. If it all blows up massively don't allow her to say that she 'will leave soon'. NOW or never. If she doesn't leave him even now it's all out in the open then she never will.

Tell her about the plaster!

Tell her about all the millions of women who are happier now they've left. MY children more to the point are happier!

How about getting her a plant that can grow. Tell her that by the time this tree (?) is so high or in bloom, her life will be back on an even keel and she'll be happier.

Just an idea. I think I would have found that a helpful idea.

bytheLiffey · 27/02/2009 16:28

Actually, scrap that. It could sound incredibly trite.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 27/02/2009 16:54

Good luck.

Could you maybe ask her what she sees herself doing in 5/3/1 years time?

Does she want to still be living the same life with her children cowering under a table to hide from their father threatening their mum?

I think she'll be relieved that her brother knows.

bytheLiffey · 28/02/2009 09:05

How did it go Squirdle? Are you all exhausted and tense??

Even when you just tidy up a room, it often has to get worse before it gets better!

Lxx

Original poster

Squirdle · 01/03/2009 18:08

Well I have decided after today that I ought to retrain as a marriage guidance counsellor!!

So I had my SIL up for the weekend and we all had a lovely weekend. All the boys get on fabulously and never fight, so that really helps DH didn't get a chance to speak to her about it, but we are keeping an eye on the situation and he is going to call her a lot next week. We are also exploring all the options we can.

SIL left at 9.30 this morning (with my nephews sobbing because they had such a great time with their cousins and silly uncle ) and then I get a call from the neighbour asking me to have his children because his wife was having a meltdown somewhere (ongoing problems there!)

To be fair, I am trying not to get involved with my neighbours problems (even though they try to tell me everything) but I did feel the children didn't need to see their mother having a meltdown.

So the main thing is atm that SIL had a lovely relaxing weekend. I will at some point tell her that DH knows and that he wants to support her.

OP posts:

warthog · 01/03/2009 22:44

i think you've absolutely done the right thing. she got a break, she knows you're there for her, but you haven't intruded unduly. she ultimately has to work this out for herself

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