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Help me do the right thing - Friend is planning an abortion. I think she's doing the wrong thing but, somehow, I need to be supportive of her decision <glup>

108 replies

NorktasticNinja · 24/02/2009 13:07

OK, so maybe she's not really a friend in the strictest sense of the word, (she's DPs business partner's wife) but our lives are totally and utterly intertwined and we like each other a lot.

She already has one DD who's 18 months, wants more children and wasn't using contraception. Now she's pregnant and will be having an abortion on Friday . I find her actions and choices really hard to swallow, but obviously it's not about me and what I think or feel about the situation or her choices.

I haven't actually spoken to her myself yet, her DH told my DP this afternoon. DP's the type who can be frank and open about his feelings (the same as mine) without upsetting or hurting anyone's feelings. That's not something I could pull off.

She's made her decision, it can't have been easy and I know I have to be supportive. It's going to be farkin hard. I'm pregnant with DC2 myself ATM (24 weeks) and although I'd always stand up for a woman's right to choose I could never have an abortion myself, whatever the circumstances.

I just can't understand WHY she wasn't using contraception when she's this against have a second child now.

So, help me do the right thing. Please. How can I go about being supportive of her? What can I say?

I'm just so horribly shocked and sad about the whole thing.

OP posts:
NorktasticNinja · 26/02/2009 19:16

She's doing OK, thanks for asking. She's having a tough time of it (obviously) but she's bearing up alright, all things considered.

After talking with (well, mostly listening to) her yesterday I'm more worried than ever that she's doing the wrong thing, but more at peace with my own feelings too.

Mainly we just talked about how she feels but I was able to ask the couple of questions that I felt I had to as well. I feel I've managed to be properly supportive but stay true to myself too. Thanks to all of you who've posted, I couldn't have done that without you.

She said she found it good to talk and she was definitely more relaxed around me afterward.

I asked her in no uncertain terms if she is absolutely, totally and utterly sure that it's what she want's and she says it is.

I asked how she thinks she'll feel when my baby is born (in three months) too, she says she can't see it being a problem for her at all. That's great and I so hope she's right. Anyway, she appreciated it when I said that I wouldn't mind or think anything strange of it at all if she needs to avoid DC2 for a while when he comes.

A lot of the things she said did make me worried that she's going to regret it later though. I really really hope not.

She says she tries not to think of it as an abortion because it's so early (it is very early), that seems mainly to be because it's called something else in the literature. I've never heard of the procedure she'll be having, it's called an "Overtijdbehandeling" (bad translation = "overtime treatment").

She says she probably want's to TTC in six months ish.

I'm worried because she's had to make the decision so very quickly, she was a week late when she tested +,you see. She says if she had to wait another week she couldn't do it. The way she talks about making the decision makes it sound like they made a snap decision and hung onto it for dear life.

I didn't raise those things with her, apart from a genuinely accidental look at it not being an abortion. It seemed like a step to far in the face of her certainty. Maybe I should have done, I hope I won't have cause to wish I had

Anyway, that's the end of it now. I hope her dates are right and she'll be able to have the procedure as planned tomorrow, have peace with her decision and get on with her life.

OP posts:
pinkteddy · 26/02/2009 19:39

It sounds like a medical termination of pregnancy - or the abortion pill. Usually prescribed if you are less than 9 weeks pregnant. I guess that's why she is in a hurry? Glad you are feeling better about things.

NorktasticNinja · 26/02/2009 19:43

No, it's not the abortion pill, that's what I'd assumed she'd be having but it definitely isn't. They actually advise against having that (if at all possible) here, apparently.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 26/02/2009 19:44

Oh dear Nork, I imagine it must have been very difficult for you. It does sound like she is very much rushing herself through it but i dont think there is anything else you can do. I am guessing she is taking the oral treatment to induce miscarriage, which can be done up until nine weeks. Even i have to say that preferring to conceive in six months as opposed to now seems a somewhat flimsy reason for a termination - as someone with history of struggling to conceive after an abortion, those are odds I wouldnt want to play with, however i think you did absolutely the right thing and I am so gld you feel better.

Flightattendant27 · 26/02/2009 19:47

There's nothing you can do then - I'm always so sorry when people decide to abort because it's the wrong time, or something - I have a friend who had an abortion years ago for that reason, and proceeded to TTC for about 10 years before finally falling pregnant again. I think sometimes people take their fertility for granted.

I'm going off on a tangent but I very nearly did have a termination with ds2...the situation wasn't good, and almost everyone I knew told me it was the right thing (save for a couple of very decent friends they know who they are!)

He's asleep right now on my lap - this dear little child whom nobody ever would have known had I not brought him into the world. I guess that's sentimental argument but the pain that causes me when I think of it is immeasurable.

Glad you managed to handle it so well NN. Well done xx

pinkteddy · 26/02/2009 19:51

sorry hadn't really read your link properly before now but it just sounds like a surgical termination then from your translation. Don't understand the hurry if so? Maybe there isn't an equivalent treatment/procedure offered in the UK. As prettyfly says I don't think there is anything else you can do - you have given her food for thought anyway and I agree you did the right thing.

NorktasticNinja · 26/02/2009 19:56

Awww, Flight, I'm so pleased pleased for you. You've given me a little glow inside

I'm afraid they do take their fertility for granted, DP has said the same. They've conceived extremely quickly twice before (MMC and DD) and this happened in a time of high stress, bad diet etc etc (and whilst they were both smoking)...

pinkteddy - I think it's something not available in the UK then, it can only be done between 12 - 16 days after the period was due. Hence the hurry.

OP posts:
goodnightmoon · 26/02/2009 22:06

sounds like you handled it really well, and best of luck to her ...

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