Help me do the right thing - Friend is planning an abortion. I think she's doing the wrong thing but, somehow, I need to be supportive of her decision <glup>

[NorktasticNinja]

OK, so maybe she's not really a friend in the strictest sense of the word, (she's DPs business partner's wife) but our lives are totally and utterly intertwined and we like each other a lot.

She already has one DD who's 18 months, wants more children and wasn't using contraception. Now she's pregnant and will be having an abortion on Friday . I find her actions and choices really hard to swallow, but obviously it's not about me and what I think or feel about the situation or her choices.

I haven't actually spoken to her myself yet, her DH told my DP this afternoon. DP's the type who can be frank and open about his feelings (the same as mine) without upsetting or hurting anyone's feelings. That's not something I could pull off.

She's made her decision, it can't have been easy and I know I have to be supportive. It's going to be farkin hard. I'm pregnant with DC2 myself ATM (24 weeks) and although I'd always stand up for a woman's right to choose I could never have an abortion myself, whatever the circumstances.

I just can't understand WHY she wasn't using contraception when she's this against have a second child now.

So, help me do the right thing. Please. How can I go about being supportive of her? What can I say?

I'm just so horribly shocked and sad about the whole thing.

goodnightmoon - my profound apologies for that miss-type

Blu - I have considered abortion, it was with this pregnancy. It was planned and wanted but the terror of the practical and financial situation has taken me to some very dark places. I couldn't do it, even though it might well have been the right thing.

Do you think that is why you are reacting so strongly to her going ahead with an abortion - because you on some level wonder if you shouldnt have done the same. Something you said about her feeling guilty so is doing it for the sake of the business, makes me think that perhaps you feel guilty because you couldnt. If so you need to let it go. You made the right choice for you and she is doing the same. Support her and help her but stop teh self questioning in the way that you are. Your obviously a bit scared yourself and i think you might be transferring that so please just try to leave her be unless asked. I hope you dont think i am being hurtful, i dont mean to, it just seems that you are distressing yourself such a great deal for something that really isnt anything to do with you.

if the termination is out in the open, and these are people who discuss things openly and are expected to do so going forward, i don't see why the OP should not express an opinion, or more accurately - lend an ear and help this woman talk through what is going on.

NN - you asked if i would have been offended at the time of my own decision if someone had questioned me. well maybe i would have been, but i think i would have appreciated the opportunity to talk about my decision making process and whether or not it made sense.

what offends me now is that NO ONE questioned me. I was a 32 year old woman in a loving, stable marriage and a comfortable financial position, who knew she wanted to have kids "eventually." My right to choose was so blindly supported that i was never made to think how it might not be possible to conjure up a child on my own schedule, or that i was reversing a decision that had been made for and by me and DH by not using contraception effectively.

i totally respect what people are saying here about not pushing your views on someone else who may not be interested in them at all. I am just adding my own experience.

That is fair enough NorktasticNinja. You do sound like a thoughtful and caring person, that comes across in your posts. It is difficult and I appreciate that.

One point- I find it odd that so many people keep saying it has nothing to do with anyone except the person concerned.

well, on one level that is true- it is her body, her baby, her marriage, her choice etc etc. BUT on the other hand, everything we do has consequences and touches other people's lives.

If we have relationships- and by that I mean all kinds, including being friends with people, then what happens in our lives does touch them- and to think otherwise is not being honest.

I don't believe we should live our lives according to "What would people think", but at the same time we have to accept that what we choose to do does have consequences, as we don't live in a vacuum.

I am sure there are poeple who have lost friends due to the decisions they have made, and that is inevitable. Just because the decion wasn't theirs to make, doesn't mean that they have no opinion.

Very embarassed I kind of see your point, but what i dont quite get is why this woman choosing a termination is somethign that is anyone elses business at all. It wont affect the op other than if the woman falls apart afterwards, thus causing business related issues. The only people who stand to be truly hurt by this are the woman and her partner, so no it isnt anyone elses choice.

I completely agree with prettyfly1. This is a decision for the woman concerned and her DP.

NorktasticNinja, this is obviously a really emotional topic for you, and of course you are entitled to your feelings. But in your shoes I would really not say anything other than "I'm so sorry you are having to go through this". TBH, any comments about your pregnancy are probably not going to be well received. Hope this doesn't sound harsh.

I found it deeply, deeply disturbing and difficult when my brother's girlfriend decided to get rid of her baby. I don't understand it. I find it very upsetting. I couldn't possibly bite my tongue and if I were you I would simply have to steer well clear for the duration, or blurt out my true feelings to try to stop this awful thing from happening.

I know that's controversial, but I am being honest about my feelings.

It sounds as if these people are making it the OP's business - she feels she cannot 'say nothing' as others have suggested because that will be interpreted as negative.

It seems all this Dutch soul-bearing is designed to drag everyone's feelings and opinions out in to the open.

Actually, NN, what you said about being honest and genuine sounded caring and compassionate - if you speak to her from the heart like that she will know you feel for her and will support her decision, but you will not compromise your own beliefs and feelings - and, as others have said, it might be the gentle 'shaking' she's waiting to hear.

two cheers for the Dutch.

i'm not convinced that the British way of concealing true feelings and sweeping everything under the rug is always healthy.

Yes but at this point, the woman in question hasnt said anything at all to the op. Not a word. The conversation has all been between her dh and the womans.

I do agree the the op sounds very caring and concerned but i am just so unsure that unless asked directly what she thinks, in which case it will be very difficult to lie, that she should get involved. Spider noone will flame you for that. The beauty of a site like this and the right to choose is it allows for open discussion and your opinion is no less valid. Abortion is a massively emotional topic and particularly as the op has had serious doubts about her own pregnancy and is very scared about the future herself, i think she should excersize her right to not get involved. The wopman may well get defensive which in turn will upset op further and lets not forget she herself is heavily pregnant and this is their business.

By business btw i mean company in which they all work. The fall out from this could be huge if handled badly. I really really feel that op should just ask to not be involved.

it sounds like the OP is involved no matter what. In any case, feelings are going to be stirred up when she has her baby.

The OP feels she won't be allowed to 'exercise her right not to get involved' - it seems she feels that will be enough to cause offence.

It's possible the matter will never be openly mentioned, in which case the OP will still have to deal with painful feelings, but won't be pressed in to service as a 'support' for something she has ambivalent feelings about.

It sounds like the reality of this is that you are actually pretty angry about her decision, however much you couch it in terms of confusion, mystification, frustration or sadness. With this in mind, I would really be aware of your own motivations/feelings before saying anything. There is often stack loads of passive/aggressive 'concern' between women. Believe me, she will see through it. Leave them to it. For some women, termination is highly, highly emotive and saddening, for others, it just does not carry as much deep impact. It may be that your friendship will alter-she may not be the person you thought she was, nor you the person she thought you were. I have done some things I would never let my closest friendsknow of for fear they would be so appalled they would drop me. This may be a deal breaker for both of you- I suppose I am daring to say, if it was-would it matter?

"One point- I find it odd that so many people keep saying it has nothing to do with anyone except the person concerned."

But in this case, it really really doesn't.

OP is entitled to her feelings etc and allowed to vent them here and to others, but she just can't say anything to the woman concerned. It really is not for her to comment on such a deeply personal decision.

I, and I'm sure many other posters have made deeply personal and perhaps painful decisions that we would no want to be hauled over the coals for.

NN you have had 3 pages of people saying it's her decision stay out of it (I'm paraphrasing but you get my point), but the one person who said, a gentle shake may be appropriate is the voice that you have heard... Others may have equal weight to their advice but haven't shared so intimately re their own experiences.

You want to let her know what you think. If the dutch honesty is the thing, maybe you'll be able to very gently. I would be very very careful with how you proceed. And I think you need to think carefully about your motivation before you do say anything. What do you hope to achieve?

I think Prince's post is pretty wise.

And agree with the posters who suggest, if you are asked for your opinion, that you stick to 'as I'm pregnant at the moment it's very hard for me to talk about abortion'.

And agree with Prince

x post with edam!

I will stick my head above the parapet here.

I've had an abortion myself. I won't go into my reasons why but it was absolutely the right decision for me.

Had anyone tried to talk me out of it, or expressed concern that I was doing the right thing etc then I've had told them where to go in extremely strong terms and it would have effectively destroyed my relationship with them.

i am not anti-abortion at all, but if a couple who has a child and wants more are using it as birth control after the fact, for financial reasons, i think there is realm to question the wisdom ...

In private maybe, with your dp. Not to them.

I think the 'I am pg and can't talk about abortion' sounds v hoier than thou, too, as if pg is some halowed state into which a friends differnt decision cannot be allowed to impinge. It would drive me wild. She has been pgh before, she is pg now.

I don't think you should necessarily conceal how you feel - but you can just let her know that you realise that how you feel about termonation is of no relavance to her, anyway, and that you support her as an individual come what may.

If you do.

if you don't, then maybe it is you who have interrupted the friendship with how your belief and feelings affect your friendship, rather than her with her casreles sex, abortion and frank Dutch ways.. And that's OK. You don't need to be the victim in this.