Would love some advice pls - DH cheated

[peedoffnetter]

Hi all, would love to hear your views on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Last Nov I seen a strange text on DH phone about dumping each other by text. Was from a girl he works with. Asked him about it and he texted back to her saying think this was sent to me in error. She came back and said sorry meant for someone else. But he was shaking beside me. That's what started off the suspicion.

I started checking his phone cos he was being very cagey with it, never kept it on him at all times before so alarm bells ringing. I asked him in Dec if there was anything going on and that I was finding it hard to trust him and he denied it. Got annoyed that I didn't trust him. Then in Jan seen a few texts about turning each other on etc from this same girl. Now at this stage, I had picked him up from work do, he was very quiet in car, came home and went straight to bed, barely spoke to me. Left phone out with these texts from that morning still there. Think maybe he wanted me to find them. Also she texted while I was looking thru it to ask were things ok between them as he was very distant with her.

Anyway confronted him and he admitted they kissed last year, once few months before our wedding and once a few months after. He was drunk immediatley regretted it and decided not to tell me, first time cos of wedding and second time cos I was pregnant.
Now that I can live with, but the fact that he lied about it and still continued to text her is the bit that really hurts.

If he regretted kissing her, why did he keep sending texts to her??

He has sworn they did not sleep together and has told me every detail I needed and I believe him. And he has been so apologetic, he's making himself sick, says he'll do anything to make our marriage work, has come to councelling, which he hates. He says he can't believe he risked everything so something that started off as a joke, and was never really meant to happen. Ended all contact with her.

I've decided to give things another go, just wondered if anyone thinks I'm mad, or has been thru this and has come out the other side?

Sorry it's so long!

I think he had sex with her. I think he is a coward and a shit and wouldn't just tell you the truth without you winkling it out of him. I think he is probably still lying to you.

Sorry

Fro what you say I don't think you are mad at all.
I think you are very reasonable.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you

if he is prepared to make amends, go to counselling and be honest then i would give it another go.

but i do think he probably had sex with her.

and you don;t know the whole truth, but if you want to make a go of it then do it

No, I don't think you are mad.

I think you love him, nothing wrong with that.

If I am being honest, I think he has lied about how far it went and now he is petrified he might have thrown your relationship away.

I admire you for taking such a strong stance on this.

Is he willing for you to have access to all (including any he hasn't told you about) phones and email addys? I would insist on that as a minimum.

He has broken your trust and he is going to have to work very hard to get you back to where you were before.

I am so sorry.

They all say they didnt sleep together at the start...go into relationships every discovery starts with "we just kissed"...and he isnt going to tell you the truth unless you co-erce it out of him, are you sure you want to know?

I've used every trick in the book to get him to admit if they did have sex and he's adamant. He says the texts were jokey stuff and he didn't think there was anything serious to it, as for the kisses he said they would defo not have happened had he been sober. He's also told this to the girl.

He says he couldn't possibly have slept with her and that he's disgusted he even went as far as kissing and texting. I do believe that

I haven't been in your situation but know people who have.

I certainly don't think you're mad, and only you can decide whether your marriage can be salvaged, but I think you need to establish exactly what happened with the girl. Your husband denied in December that anything was happening, but in January you found some more texts. The pattern often seems to be that husbands who have had affairs are not candid about the extent of the relationship and there are more and more revelations over time. Kat2907 may well be right - they may have slept together and your husband is withholding that from you. But even if they didn't, there is the emotional intimacy. The girl clearly thinks it was/is a relationship, which is why she talks about 'dumping'.

Are you still going to counselling? Are you sure the contact has ended? Do they still work together?

This is survivable but it takes a long time to rebuild trust. Have you got friends in RL to talk to?

Good luck.

Sorry! x-post!

If you believe him and you think he is making an honest go of your marriage, then I guess you just have to get on with moving forward...I would be her clear to him though that if you ever get a sniff of something like this happening again he will be out on his sorry arse. Beyond that, I don't see what else you can do, as it seems like you want to forgive him and believe his version of events. I wouldn't, but you have to go by what you feel. Good luck.

My gut reaction would also have been that he has slept with her. Sorry

If you decide that you want to make a go of it then he has to win back your trust.

He must give you full access to phone and bills, and email accounts and anything else (facebook?)

Continue with the counselling. Talk to some people in RL, friends or family. Don't blame yourself - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

For me, I would work through it if it is a one off fuck up, but I wouldn't be able to forgive a second time, and I wouldn't want him to continue working with her.

God thank you all so much for your quick replies and opinion, it does help having someone to talk to. I'm a first time poster, MadBad don't know what RL is.
I decided against telling any friends/family cos I couldn't deal with their pity and input but I really need to talk about it.

We talked like we never talked before and he says he took me for granted, adores me, can't believe he's done this to me. Will leave it I can't get over this but will be devasted as he really wants to make this work. He also said he's glad it's out now even tho I'm hurt, I know the truth and maybe in time find it in my heart to forgive him.

Really believed him about the no sex thing, but now I'm not so sure! How do I get him to admit it if he now knows that I would certainly end it if he did do it!!

Also he leaves his phone out all the time now, in a light way lets me know who and what text/call is about should he get one.
He doesn't use facebook or any of them. He still works with her but they sit far away from each other and has told me if they have to deal with each other what it's about and how long they spoke for.

Also this other girl is getting married this year and when i found out I texted her from his phone to ask her to put a stop to this, there were kids to consider, I hope she's proud of herself etc. He spoke to her the next available opportunity after it all came out and told her in basic terms he'd confessed all and that he no longer wants to be friends with her. Work contact is all he wants. She asked what I said to him, and he said without being rude, none of your business, this is between me and my wife.
She broke down and told him she's never felt so shitty in her life

hi peedoffnetter, i also believe he has had sex with her, they wouldnt still be texting after all this time if all that happened is kiss, sounds more like a fling to me i think you could try sying to him 'i know you hve slept with her, i need you to admit it to me or i cannot start again' even trysaying, i have already forgiven you, whatever you tell me will make no difference to our reltionship as i have already decided tht we give it another go, but i would really apprecite your honesty?

RL = real life

If you don't feel he had sex with her don't change your mind on the basis of other people who don't know you or him. You know him better and should be able to tell if he is lying or not.

I don't think you are mad for trying to fix your marriage but he is the one who needs to do the work.

I am really sorry you are going through this!

I too beleive he is prolly lieing about not having sex with her. For him, its about ddamage limitation just now. I am not saying he did not want to get it all out in the open but prolly is scared of loosing you so will admit to what he needs to but thats it.

Have you spoken to the other woman? Has she told you about how far their dalliances went? Its not always a good idea to do so. You will never know whether she is telling the truth or being a total bitch to cause extra trouble and saying stuff to hurt you more.

I dont think there is anyway you can find out for definate (short of your OH confessing more) whether or not they actually had sex. A very good friend of mine has been down this route and collected evidence for 7 or 8 months (painful for her)before confronting him. Her take on it was - once he knows I know something is going on I will prolly never find out the full extent of the truth. I have to say I agree with her. However, she went through hell keeping her mouth shut for so long.

Perhaps sit down with your OH and say to him that you to find it very very hard to beleive they did not have sex. Ask him why not? They were "together" over a quite a substantial period of time, Ask him, what she would say if you asked her? Watch his reactions etc. I think you have to press him on this and if he gets stressy with you - tell him he is lucky you are willing to to talk about it and after what he has done, there are bound to trust issues!

You are not mad for loving him and wanting to try again. I always think in these situations if you feel like you do, its worth trying, you have little to loose. If at a later date you find you cant live with it or can no longer trust him, you can end it all then. If you end it all now, "trying again" maynot be a option in the future.

Good luck! Hope you can sort it.

I hope this thread isn't confusing you even more.

Don't forget we don't know the situation and whether he had the opportunity to go further than texts etc

I know workplace "romances" can be very intoxicating and make people act in hitherto-unheardof ways.

If you are sure it is over and his actions continue to support his words, perhaps you would be best to just keep moving forward.

Whether he slept with her or not, the damage to your relationship is done as emotional dalliances are often just as bad as physical flings.

Perhaps you may never know. If you can live with that, and have truly forgiven him then I am sure you can recover from this.

Sorry. As loopylou6 says, RL = real life.

I understand how you feel about not wanting pity from friends or family, but are you sure you haven't got one trusted friend you could talk to?

Are you sure you would end the marriage if he had sex with her? If so, it's probably best not to try to get an 'admission' from him. And anyway, as nabster says, you know your husband and your situation. We don't.

I think I would end it if he did have sex with her. I always thought cheating was cheating, (emotional relationships by phone/kissing/sex, it didn't matter which) and always thought if it ever happened to me the person would be dumped. By having been thru it now I can tell a difference between something quick that happens thru drink or something thought out and planned like meeting up for sex. Not sure if I'm right but seems to be how I feel at the minute.

I did say that I needed all details no matter how bad to be able to move on and he still swears it never went that far. He said that he's done a lot of thinking since and he has realised he would never have slept with her, that they started out as friends and it resulting in mindless flirting and stupid drunken kisses. He was flattered but not very interested. Interested enough to risk his marriage and family tho!!

I've toyed with the idea of telling a friend but I just can't when it comes down to it. Everyone thinks we're a great couple, we're only just married and we have no. 2 on the way. I'm so embarrassed. I'll just have to talk to him again and see what he has to say. I'm so sick of this, it's going on weeks, it's all I think about. I can't hear a sad song on the radio without bursting into tears, my DD asked me the other day why my eyes were so sad.

Wish I could just turn off and forget about it. Wish I could get drunk!!

Sorry to be so negative about the sex thing. In the end an emotional affair can be just as hurtful.

You should go and get checked at the GUM clinic though IMO. Just in case.

And you shouldn't feel embarrassed, but I understand if you do. Someone in RL who knows about it can be very valuable though.

Yeah I admit it would be good to talk to someone who knows us face to face but don't think I'm able for it at moment.
Can't believe this has happened to me, then I feel like an utter drama queen cos there is some much worse out there that can happen.

Been really great getting ALL your opinions, thanks so much for listening. I really wish you all the happiness in the world!!

Thanks again

Not a drama queen at all

A central part of your life has been rocked.

You're not a drama queen at all. You sound very calm and thoughtful. And if you chose to scream and shout, you'd be quite within your rights!

Hi Peedoff

As others on here have said only you know your DH but just wanted to add my story.

My DH had an affair for over an year. I had suspicions from very early on but he denied it over and over. When I found a text and confronted him he still denied it. I rang OW and she told me they had been having an emotional affair but not sexual.

I was so hurt but decided to give it a go. A few months later he received another text from her which made it clear it wasn't over . At this point I kicked him out . Still he insisted that it was not sexual.

It was another couple of weeks after that he finally admitted that he had slept with her but only once.........of course a few months later I learnt it was ongoing for months....but he always used protection.......yep you guessed it a few months later found out that they hadn't always used something.

I now have an STI and absolutely no trust in my DH.

I don't want to worry you but there are so many similar posts on here. Please get yourself checked out for STI's and think long and hard if you can believe him and you can trust what he is saying.

It is good that he will go to counselling but you say he 'hates it' my DH was the same - it was all for show he lied to the counsellor

Hope that your DH is telling the truth butplease don't be too quick to believe everything he says.

My DH only ever told me anything after a LOT of pushing and arguing and even then it was rarely the full truth. I doubt I will ever know the full truth.

so sorry, IBelievedHimToo

what an utter bastard, covering his back at your fucking expense

spineless tosser