Would love some advice pls - DH cheated

[peedoffnetter]

Hi all, would love to hear your views on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Last Nov I seen a strange text on DH phone about dumping each other by text. Was from a girl he works with. Asked him about it and he texted back to her saying think this was sent to me in error. She came back and said sorry meant for someone else. But he was shaking beside me. That's what started off the suspicion.

I started checking his phone cos he was being very cagey with it, never kept it on him at all times before so alarm bells ringing. I asked him in Dec if there was anything going on and that I was finding it hard to trust him and he denied it. Got annoyed that I didn't trust him. Then in Jan seen a few texts about turning each other on etc from this same girl. Now at this stage, I had picked him up from work do, he was very quiet in car, came home and went straight to bed, barely spoke to me. Left phone out with these texts from that morning still there. Think maybe he wanted me to find them. Also she texted while I was looking thru it to ask were things ok between them as he was very distant with her.

Anyway confronted him and he admitted they kissed last year, once few months before our wedding and once a few months after. He was drunk immediatley regretted it and decided not to tell me, first time cos of wedding and second time cos I was pregnant.
Now that I can live with, but the fact that he lied about it and still continued to text her is the bit that really hurts.

If he regretted kissing her, why did he keep sending texts to her??

He has sworn they did not sleep together and has told me every detail I needed and I believe him. And he has been so apologetic, he's making himself sick, says he'll do anything to make our marriage work, has come to councelling, which he hates. He says he can't believe he risked everything so something that started off as a joke, and was never really meant to happen. Ended all contact with her.

I've decided to give things another go, just wondered if anyone thinks I'm mad, or has been thru this and has come out the other side?

Sorry it's so long!

Peed off - I'm glad you're feeling stronger, but don't be surprised if on other days, you feel utterly helpless and weak - all of that is quite normal. The problem with getting him to move out would be that you'd probably have to start telling other people about your situation and it sounds like you don't want that, which I perfectly understand.

As for telling the fiance, I'm not sure where I am with that one. My DH and I thought long and hard about telling the OW's DH, as we never believed her claim that she had told him about the affair. I really examined my conscience on that one - did I want him told to help him avoid a life of pain, or was it to wreak some vengeance so that her life was as disrupted as much as mine? Not that I think there's anything wrong with that concept. It is unbearable sometimes to think that she is living consequence-free.

In the end, we decided that telling him would only cause him considerable pain and another factor in our decision was whether we might have some angry DH turning up at our house and shouting the odds in front of our DCs, who are old enough to understand what that would mean. So don't think I'm being particularly altruistic in this - if we didn't have kids or if they were a bit too young to understand - we might well have told him. My DH incidentally, was always willing to face the cuckolded husband and take the consequences - it was me thinking about the chain of events his knowing might start, that halted proceedings.

In our case too, after my DH ended the relationship, the OW made a thorough nuisance of herself and made some horrible online attacks on us as a family. We have ignored that up till now, but have decided if she does anything like this again, telling her DH the whole story will be a very effective punishment.

I just hope that her DH returns to his old ways (he himself had two affairs) and that this time, he bins his appalling wife and finds someone lovely. Difficult one for you, peed off, as the fiance in this case might still have the chance to pull out of the marriage. Do you think there's any chance she has come clean to him, on the basis that these were only kisses?

One other word of warning. Sooner or later, one or both of them will move on and this episode will be behind them - and you, hopefully. However - and this is hard - you might have to accept that this woman was attractive to your DH and him to her.

If it was just kissing and flirtation, there might be a sense of an itch not scratched. Years down the line, she might get in touch again -and your DH might feel that he can't tell you that she has, as that will rake it all up again. It then becomes a secret - and secrets are very intoxicating. Depending on where he is at that point in terms of his self-esteem, it could lead to something else. He might feel that he once had such a hard time for only a kiss, he may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. Also, this woman has broken a taboo with him and somehow those people are much easier to become involved with than a total stranger.

I would make him promise you now that if she ever makes any contact at any time - even years later - he will tell you about it. Reassure him that it won't lead to an argument - as long as he deals with the contact appropriately. Tell him to forget being polite - a firm "no thank you" is what is needed here.

Hope this helps and that your strength continues.

Peed-off. Who knows if he did or didnt sleep with her, but as there is some element of doubt etc. I think its really important you get checked out for STI's asap, because of the potential damage they can do to babies while in the womb. Even if you dont believe your dh slept with her, i would do it just incase.
As for the OW fiance.. i know thats a tough decision. I personally would tell him, as it could save him wasting precious years of his life. but you do what feels best for you and your family. Best of luckxxx