Would love some advice pls - DH cheated

[peedoffnetter]

Hi all, would love to hear your views on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Last Nov I seen a strange text on DH phone about dumping each other by text. Was from a girl he works with. Asked him about it and he texted back to her saying think this was sent to me in error. She came back and said sorry meant for someone else. But he was shaking beside me. That's what started off the suspicion.

I started checking his phone cos he was being very cagey with it, never kept it on him at all times before so alarm bells ringing. I asked him in Dec if there was anything going on and that I was finding it hard to trust him and he denied it. Got annoyed that I didn't trust him. Then in Jan seen a few texts about turning each other on etc from this same girl. Now at this stage, I had picked him up from work do, he was very quiet in car, came home and went straight to bed, barely spoke to me. Left phone out with these texts from that morning still there. Think maybe he wanted me to find them. Also she texted while I was looking thru it to ask were things ok between them as he was very distant with her.

Anyway confronted him and he admitted they kissed last year, once few months before our wedding and once a few months after. He was drunk immediatley regretted it and decided not to tell me, first time cos of wedding and second time cos I was pregnant.
Now that I can live with, but the fact that he lied about it and still continued to text her is the bit that really hurts.

If he regretted kissing her, why did he keep sending texts to her??

He has sworn they did not sleep together and has told me every detail I needed and I believe him. And he has been so apologetic, he's making himself sick, says he'll do anything to make our marriage work, has come to councelling, which he hates. He says he can't believe he risked everything so something that started off as a joke, and was never really meant to happen. Ended all contact with her.

I've decided to give things another go, just wondered if anyone thinks I'm mad, or has been thru this and has come out the other side?

Sorry it's so long!

Whether you want to know every detail is up to you - I know my imagination went to work cooking up several different ways of things happening and dwelling on which was right was much worse than actually knowing. Personally also, I told the OW's H. I felt he had a right to know and that also, if he didn't she'd got away with meddling in my family and ruining my kids' lives without any consequences of her own - meaning she'd probably do it again to someone else unless he was keeping a close eye on her... This would (and did) also mean he intervened when she tried to spark up contact with my H again.

Also, I agree with the post about your morals / views / ideals. I always said 'no second chances' but in the event I couldn't mess up my kids' lives just to suit my own beliefs. Hopefully it will pay off - my view is that it would have been painful either way. At least now you know how he behaves when he's doing bad things and what to look for. And he knows he won't get another chance so imho is less likely to do it again.

Peedoffnetter

I know you have come to a decision to trust him and move on. I admire you for that and I hope his future behaviour justifies it.

But I would just like to re-iterate the previous poster who said that checks for STD's are NOT routinely carried out at antenatal appts even when you are swabbed etc.

They have to be specifically requested and go on the form that goes to the lab.

Sorry, I just think that you might have missed that. I think you should also make it a condition that your dh gets tested too. The humiliation can only do him good .

All the very best wishes. x

Thanks anyfucker, I'll defo do that. Thought any abnormalities might have shown up regardless of what tests they do.

Thanks everyone

Peedoff - from the email he sent it sounds like it didn't go any further than he says.
I think you will have to trust your instincts but don't bottle things up. Ask as many questions as you need, however uncomfortable it makes him feel. As someone else said, there will be things that jog your memory and make you wonder, so its best to keep it all out in the open.
I really really hope you are one of the lucky ones and that this was just a blip.
Will you try Relate or some counselling? I definitely think that would be a good idea.

I really hope you can work through this together. Good luck!

"she is beneath me"
sorry I don't get that attitude at all
she is on the same moral level as your husband.
Arguably he is worse as he is the one that is married with kids

to Ginny's wise words:

"I hope it works out for you - marriages CAN survive an affair, as long as the partner who strayed is prepared to put in the effort"
I would add

and as long as the betrayed partner can genuinely forgive and move on and not keep casting it up.

Good luck, I really hope it works out for your family

Re the 'how could he fancy someone who is offering it on a plate' question. Well, men seem to be able to compartmentalise their lives more easily than women. He still loved you, but fancied her - simple as that. For her, well, she probably thought he might leave you at some point - who knows?

I would take him up on the counselling thing.

I agree with Dior.

And I'm another person this has happened to so can totally understand the posters who think it has gone further than he says. But if you've decided you want things to work between you then I would give all of your effort to making that happen now.

I spent a long time getting to the real truth. Including meeting the OW. And all it has done is add more images to my brain that make it even harder to get over. You are hurt beyond belief already, you have a dd to think about and a lo on the way, you love him and you want your marriage to work. That's they key really. And if he's as genuine as he sounds on that e-mail then I think you both have a great chance. Good luck.

how do you know she was offering it on a plate? what kind of a concept is that anyway?
They BOTH did whatever it was that they did.
Why this need to castigate the OW?

Is this really the place Jasper...someone was asking for advice not really the place to start that bunfight again, a lot of the women on this thread have had their lives turned upside down by affairs and rightly or wrongly dont feel inclined to view the OW through sympathetic eyes.

Why not start another thread if you feel the need to discuss it?

just realised no one had reacted to Jasper and I bumped it

good luck peedoff, trust your instincts on this if you feel he is being honest now

yes wily, the silence was particularly deafening!

never mind, you are absolutely right

Note to self: check time of last response if replying via "threads im on"

Wily, yes this is the place.
It is perfectly appropriate to comment on any part of the discusions, including that sort of misogynistic claptrap

.IF one castigates the OW as some kind of devil whore one will see one's errant dh in the same light.

How can that make for progress if the OP genuinely wants to forgive and move on?

I know others agree

It was not the only comment I made.

whether it is right or wrong - the ow will nearly always be seen as the devil whore. The (lying) h will to cover himself and continue the have his cake... tell the ow how dreadful his homelife is and somehow say his needs (usually sexual) are not being met at home, and tell his wife that the ow handed it on a plate.
I am sure at some time both these things are true.
What is so wicked about affairs it that it is a game where not all the players even know they are playing. So it is never ever fair.
The ow has the choice to tell the wife too - she is intelligent enough to know it is not right but because of selfish reasons convinces herself the wife is not her bussiness and it is the h 'problem'.

We could all live in a world like that - only intested in our own interests and let others merrily carry on a course that we know to be wrong.

But i think most people can see it is morally wrong and so have the right to see the ow as the homewrecker she usual is (whether intentionally or not).
Fact : sleeping knowingly with a married man will more than likely cause a huge amount of pain to others - and the fact that he is doing it too is no excuse.

Life is unfair and we all know that the ow will get a hard time - so why do we ever try and defend it - its not like the rules have changed is it?

FWIW, I can see where Jasper is coming from. The OW may have been fed lines about how your marriage/relationship was not going well. I know that, when I had a fling with a man in a relationship (years ago) I hoped he would leave her for me. I also liked hearing from people how horrible she was. Not proud of that but it is true.

He didn't, but couldn't seem to stop flirting with me and asking me for sex whenever possible. They seem to be able to do this - I know he felt horribly guilty as he would not be able to face me for days after we had a 'get together' of any kind.

I drunken mistake is one thing. Texting each other over a period of time consititues some form of a relationship, in my books. My ex was a cheat and I would NEVER put up with it again. If he's done it once, he'll do it again.

Jasper, personally I do see this woman as beneath me. Why wouldn't I? I have never and would never knowingly strike up any kind of relationship with a married man. I have my own morals and principles.

I was also merely pointing out that I feel nothing for this woman as far as trashing her car or ruining her future wedding goes!

I have said from word one that OW owed me nothing, it was my DH who cheated and decieveed me. He was the one who caused this pain for our family and I hold him 100% responsible. I still feel that things like this wouldn't happen if more people, men and women had more morals.

Peed off - I agree with you completely and utterly respect your viewpoint. I am sick and tired of the hackneyed old argument that the OW cannot be blamed etc. as she has no allegiance to you. What about decency to other human beings; do we not ALL have a responsibility to behave decently to eachother?

Every one of us probably knows men who, if we gave them a green light, would be in like a shot. In other circumstances, perhaps so would we! But we don't (even when single) because we know it is wrong - they are attached. I think at some level, most of us also know that people (not just men!) are only human and that temptation is very difficult to resist. So we do the decent thing and don't tempt!

I also think there is a world of difference between OW who get into these situations not knowing the man is married/attached, or who were pursued and pursued until they couldn't resist any longer. Still wrong, but perhaps more understandable. What I have zero tolerance for is the OW who cannot take no for an answer and does all the pursuing; like it's a game she must win at all costs. I genuinely think in these situations, it's not much about the man involved and is more about competing with other women. Such women are actually very damaged, but they wreak havoc as they set themselves new challenges i.e. getting the man to disparage his wife, getting him to leave her etc. In these cases I suspect it's not the sex that is giving them their kicks - it's the winning/causing harm drug.

You only have to look at this board to recognise that such women exist and it is not misogynistic to make that comment. I think the people on here are pretty fair about the woeful failings of the men in their lives too and they don't let them off the hook either.

If we just all behaved decently and with integrity, so much harm would be avoided. In the OP's case, her DH sounds truly remorseful and I wish her well and admire her stance. It doesn't sound though, does it, that the OW in this case is similarly anguished at causing another woman so much pain and, if her fiance found out, him too?

Let's hope for karma in all these cases.

Or if they thought of the consequences... It does take two to do it, so personally I think both are worthy of being looked down on - after all, he couldn't have done it on his own, it took another lowlife to make it happen. PON, you've got the right attitude. Many people blame the OW too much, when really it was their H who actually took the decision to screw up their life and so deserved the majority of their anger.

Having said that, I do believe her partner has the right to know what she's like, before a couple of years down the line and there are children involved and so forth.

Yes, both people can be blamed - in fact, blame the man more - he is the one that has directly hurt you. The OW, whilst being a lowlife as well, doesn't know you personally.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - Brilliant post. Exactly what I wanted to say but put much better than I ever could.

Thanks for those posts. You're right, she doesn't know me but still had the gall to write a message on our wedding card and admire my wedding dress in a pic!!!! WTF??

Wish I had the balls to inform her fiance, but I'm not sure it's my place. Is it lack of balls or just respect for someone else's relationship? If I was to contact him, I would want it to be for the right reasons and not to make her suffer for my own benefit.

Thanks for your post whenwillifeelnormal, that's exactly what I was trying to say, but head is so messed up I can't think straight. I have told DH maybe a break would do us both good, cos I have to admit as the weeks go by I get a bit stronger and more determined to make him suffer and work for the family he nearly threw away. Having to move out for a while would kill him but again as with informing her fiance, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, or making them suffer to make myself feel better. I have never been more confused.

It's a hard choice to make whether you will tell her partner or not. One the one hand, you could say you were letting him know the truth, but on the other hand, would you be doing it as some sort of revenge. Personally, I would tell him. I wouldn't care if it made me look bitter or whatever.