Would love some advice pls - DH cheated

[peedoffnetter]

Hi all, would love to hear your views on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Last Nov I seen a strange text on DH phone about dumping each other by text. Was from a girl he works with. Asked him about it and he texted back to her saying think this was sent to me in error. She came back and said sorry meant for someone else. But he was shaking beside me. That's what started off the suspicion.

I started checking his phone cos he was being very cagey with it, never kept it on him at all times before so alarm bells ringing. I asked him in Dec if there was anything going on and that I was finding it hard to trust him and he denied it. Got annoyed that I didn't trust him. Then in Jan seen a few texts about turning each other on etc from this same girl. Now at this stage, I had picked him up from work do, he was very quiet in car, came home and went straight to bed, barely spoke to me. Left phone out with these texts from that morning still there. Think maybe he wanted me to find them. Also she texted while I was looking thru it to ask were things ok between them as he was very distant with her.

Anyway confronted him and he admitted they kissed last year, once few months before our wedding and once a few months after. He was drunk immediatley regretted it and decided not to tell me, first time cos of wedding and second time cos I was pregnant.
Now that I can live with, but the fact that he lied about it and still continued to text her is the bit that really hurts.

If he regretted kissing her, why did he keep sending texts to her??

He has sworn they did not sleep together and has told me every detail I needed and I believe him. And he has been so apologetic, he's making himself sick, says he'll do anything to make our marriage work, has come to councelling, which he hates. He says he can't believe he risked everything so something that started off as a joke, and was never really meant to happen. Ended all contact with her.

I've decided to give things another go, just wondered if anyone thinks I'm mad, or has been thru this and has come out the other side?

Sorry it's so long!

Oh god I'm feeling abit niave as I would believe he hasn't had sex with her, and was prob flattered by the attention

for you

If you can move past it and accept his version of events as the truth (without lying to yourself - you genuinely believe it) I think you are being very brave to battle on with your marriage.

He probably did have sex with her but whether he did or not, you have made your decision to give things a go, so go for it. I admire you. I have been in a similar situation in the past and found that I could never trust the person again so eventually ended the relationship. Good luck.

I lOVE anyfucker's response though

I think it is highly unlikely that he didn't have sex with her - first thing I'd do is get to the sexual health clinic & make sure that he does the same.

Peedoffnetter.

Please, don't let any post on here add fuel to the fire of your doubt. If you believe that he did not have sex with her, then keep on believing it. Other people's crap partners are not your partner. It is possible for people to get into the situation you describe and not to go any further.

If you want to work with him to sort out your relationship, then go ahead and do it. At some point you will have to take a risk and start trusting him again. He will have to work hard to prove he is trustworthy (sounds like he is trying to do that), but in the longer term you will have to be able to trust him again. And that too is possible. Good luck.

I've actually copied some of the replies on here and emailed them to him. I think I will give him one last chance to admit if things did go further. I'll tell him I'll ring her if I don't feel he's being completely honest cos as time goes by I now feel stronger than I did when I first found out. And if this turns out to be more than kissing, I would without doubt kick him out. I couldn't live knowing he had lied to me and risked the happiness and wellbeing of our children. That's not the kind of man I want in my life.

It's his fault I feel like this, not mine (i've now realised). I believed him at the beginning because I think I wanted to but when I look back, I had asked him again and again if something was going on and he denied it so why can't he be capable of denying they had sex. He knows how I'd feel about that so by keeping it to himself he gets away with it. Woke up so damn angry this morning. I just want an end to all this one way or another. I also can't get my head around the fact that another woman would make herself available to a married man also knowing we were expecting another baby? I baffles me how

1. she finds a disgusting lying, cheating "family man" attractive
2. he can find her attractive when she knows his situation and still offers herself on a plate!

Following your thread, am you feel this way when you should be relaxing and enjoying your pg

You started off really believing he hadn't slept with her, and as being honest says your letting other people's posts make you doubt yourself

Do you really believe he would sleep with someone else
or could it be enjoyed the flattery of her flirting, and when he was drunk(which is no excuse) he gave in and kissed her, in his subconcious keeping her interested so she will continue the flirting?

I don't know just trying to be more positive for you and your young family
what did he say to the e-mail?

You've put that in such a good way PlumBumMum. Flattered by her attention could be the very reason and it definitely sounds like that could be him. I don't really believe he could sleep with someone else no, but then again I dodn't really believe he would kiss someone else.

To be honest when I was trying to catch him out with the texts, all I was prepared for was the admission that they were flirting and that was it. The kissing shocked me to the core as we had both made it clear how we felt about cheating.

He's made me so mad cos now all I think is that our short married life is a sham, everything nice he's done/said to me has meant nothing. I would NEVER have considered bringing another child into a rocky marriage so I believe not only did he let me marry him under false pretences, he let us go ahead and conceive another child too. I feel cheated in so many ways and can't enjoy this pregnancy. I actually had the horrible thoughts of something happening to the baby to make him suffer. What kind of person has he turned me into??? I think now I've definitley hit the angry stage of the process!!!

I think you should e-mail him what you just posted, so hes clear how you feel,
make sure hes clear that you need to know everything, you don't want any nasty surpises

a) you don't want some women telling you she slept with your husband, even if shes promised him she won't say, she could break that promise afterall she shallow enough to go after a married man

b) because your going to the clinic to get checked

And as for horrible thoughts about the baby, thats only natural, as your trying to nuture, but you know stress isn't good for you, so its only natural to think what if and how would he feel then?

I've had internals and swabs done since at my check ups so I'm presuming if there was something it would have shown up.
He didn't get the original email, I've just asked him so I'll send it again and see what he has to say. Find it easier to do all this talk by email and text rather than to his face!
I'll let you know, thanks

Hi there. I am so sorry for your situation - mostly because I know exactly how it feels - like being punched in the stomach. Because I have been there. And your story sounds so horribly familiar to mine. I found texts, he said it was just a flirt and this cycle of finding titbits of evidence which I would then confront him with and more and more deceptions were uncovered again and again. Until I realised that he had been seeing this girl for ages and sleeping with her (having previously denied it) and all the time professing undying love and devotion to me and our boys.

I forgave him and we moved on - moved county in fact to try and leave it all behind. And then guess what? Yup - he did it again, different girl same symptoms. I am still not sure that he has finished it.

The moral of my story - I'm not sure as my story is unresolved but what I have learnt over the years is that men will say whatever they think they need to to get away with stuff. That if they can do it once they can (and probably will) do it again. That counselling, whilst a good band aid, does not fix anything unless you BOTH want the marriage to work.

You need to ask him if he ever wants your marriage to be remotely robust. Because what he has done is destroy your TRUST. And once the trust has gone YOU can never be happy because there will always be that horrible little voice at the back of your mind whch doubts him. He needs to realise that he is/has fundementaly changed your relationship because you cannot trust him anymore. He needs to jump through many high hoops to prove to you that he is deserving of even a scrap of trust. And you need to decide whether you want to bestow the great gift of your trust on him again.

My mother always said that a marriage would have to be so horrible to leave as what is on the other side of the door is really horrible.

Good luck, my dear. It is a long road...

Hi POF. So sorry to hear your tale. Just on your last post re internals and swabs, I don't think stuff will show up unless specifically tested for, so don't take chances and go to STD clinic to make sure you and your little one are ok. xx

Just a couple more words of advice...

if you want to make your marriage work I would not advise digging for more information - you know enough already and if you find more stuff you will be back to square one. Shut the door on it and move on with no more salacious details to torture yourself with.

And trust yourself and your instincts. One thing I do know is that your radar is right.

Thanks for the messages Julia, thing is I knew something wasn't right back months ago which caused me to start snooping and I was proved right. Now I have this nagging doubt that there's more to it than previously confessed. I can't tell whether I'm confusing the feeling or I'm right, like you said my radar is saying keep digging there's more to come. Cna't keep going on like this tho you're right. I'm torturing myself.

As Plum suggested I have emailed him the replies I've gotten from here so going to wait and see the outcome. I'll let you know
Thanks so much for listening

So sorry this has happened . It happened to me when I was pg too and its horrible. I remember that feeling that I wanted to get drunk and blank it all out, but of course you can't do that for your lo's sake.
In my situation he denied it too but it turned out they were sleeping together and he left 'to clear his head' and ended up moving in with her and they were together for 5 years.
But that doesn't mean your situation is the same. Men can get flattered by a bit of attention and flirting and kisses but it doesn't automatically follow that they had sex.
If you think you can forgive him, then he has to bend over backwards to prove himself to you. He will have to try 10 times as hard as he has in the past to make you feel secure and loved and even if it drives him mad he owes you that much.
I hope it works out for you - marriages CAN survive an affair, as long as the partner who strayed is prepared to put in the effort.
Good luck

A friend of mine called her cheating dh's bluff when she was in your situation. She told him she'd been to the clinic and caught an infection from him even though she hadn't.
He confessed everything and it was a whole lot worse than she ever imagined (a string of affairs going back years )

Oh God! Men are total shits sometimes. I had this happen to me too, altho it was after we had our children.
My husband is what many people would describe as shy, polite, respectable. He was and still is a bloody fantastic hands on Dad. People said I was lucky to have such a "decent" husband. My best mate used to laugh that perhaps he was a little too sensible and serious! He was not a man for going down the pub with his mates etc. He was a real home bird.

I would have sworn on my childrens lives that he would NEVER cheat on me. Sadly I was wrong. The man I was married to was someone I could trust. But he had not one but several affairs. Silly old stupid me - trusted him without question. Looking back I had the odd inkling that perhaps just maybe there was something not quite right - but as soon as the thought enterd my head it went cos the thought that he would do that was so extreme and quite frankly more less impossible.
He did the damage limitation thing. First it was a one off, OW had become obsessive, he had regrets about his one night of no sex just kissing with her and now she was stalking him. As time went on and evidence appeard, I pushed him more, my BestFriend questioned some things I had accepted and made me pressurise him more for more painful details the story changed bit by bit over a period of several weeks. Then he had slept with her once, drunk, then sober, then once or twice, then over a couple a weeks, a few months. Then there was someone else etc etc. When it got to number 8 of his OW I realised the pain was just killing me. After 8 OW in 4 maybe 5 years would knowing if there were 1 more or 50 more make any difference to me! In a word NO. The lies the betrayal was too much. All the way through it was damage limitation on his part. He denied having sex in our family car - but then later stuff about that came out. He apparently used condoms (how thoughtful) but 4 of his OW said they had not etc etc.
The point I am trying to make is"decent" men and husbands have affairs and lie to! My husband was not a jack the lad type. He was a real homebird. He seemed to dote on me and the kids. People were envious of me having a hubby that didnt come home drunk or go to footy all weekend etc etc. When people found out the truth - like me, they just could not accept it. People thought I was exagerating or lieing cos it was so far from the man they knew! Men that have an affair or lots of them are all different. I do not know your hubby. Maybe he has not had sex with her, but as you are already finding out for yourself, discovering an affair is a journey (painful one). You will go through many many phases or hurt rage anger etc. You will question different things at different times as your frame of mind changes, as certain things jog your memory. I am 13 months on. I still get sudden thoughts about the past. Yesterday I recalled randomly (for the first time since I found out) my DDs 5th birthday - how we had a massive row - I now think it was all down to the fact the usual Saturday afternoon routine that uaually entailed me and the kids going out out was cancelled for her party and mucked up his oppertunity for a quick shag with his munter of the month. Why and where that thought came from I have no idea!! But this is the journey I am still on.

You can come through this with or without him. It is normal to question everything he tells you. Some stuff you may accept only to doubt later on. Some stuff you may doubt now but be able to accept later. He may be being honest now - but once someone has lied to you on one level, its hard to trust them again. That may be somethin you need to reiterate to your hubby as you work through this.

Am waffling on - sorry. Just wanted you to know and try and put into words that you are not alone. There are loads of us mums/wives/ladies had the horror of finding out our lives werent as perfect as we thought.

Big Big hugs to you.

God MrsLemon, I'm so sorry. It's such a shock when you believe you have no reason to doubt someone and then all this happens. Do they ever realise what damage they cause, not just to the women in their lives but to their children! As for these women who make themselves available knowing a man is married with kids, I just can't understand it. I could never ever do something like that, even before it was done to me.

A child's health and happiness is far more important than any quickie or office romance! I really had a good mind to walk into DH's office with my DD and get this woman to look at her face and remember it forever! DH broke my heart doing what he did but all I kept asking was how could he do this to DD. He could have ruined her little world. She idolises him, adores him and he could have thrown it all away for some flattery from a colleague.

Anyway, before the keys wear away under the strain from my fingers, my DH has come back to me about all your messages. This is what he has to say.......

You can ask me everyday for the rest of our lives and the answer is always going to be no, I couldn't go that far, I know I couldn't. I know I lied and I know that just makes it hard / impossible for you to believe me! Once it came out I wanted to tell you everything (which I did) so I could start fresh ...I still feel like such a b, I know if you thought I had slept with her I would be gone but when you first confronted me I didn?t think that, I thought I was gone regardless?so I didn?t lie about anything from then. I know what I did was $hitty in the extreme but what I have told you is all that happened, I swear to you. I don't want anymore lies, you three mean more to me than I ever thought possible and it's taken this cr*p to make me realise it. That's no excuse, no decent man would put his family thru this but I will make it work. If you find it too hard to deal with, I will try harder to help you. I'll do whatever I can to keep you, I'm so so sorry for what I have done to you.

I really believe him, and I'd never forgive myself for breaking up our family over something I think over time I can get thru.
Thanks for all your kind words and support. You've really helped me
xx

this might be contraversal but i dont veiw kissing some one as cheating i snog other men and my hubby snogs other women.......but we are always honest about it and that is the thing that would piss me off he lied to u and is still in contact with this girl even though he feels that he has done wrong.

I can't understand that, it's not the way I would want my marriage to work but each to their own.
He only has very limited contact with her thru work, he has told her he no longer wants any other contact.

My experience is that he's lying. I questioned my H at length about who started his affair (someone always makes the first move and being tempted is very different to being the one taking he decision to be doing the asking, in my book). He said it was both of them... I had her first email to him that showed she was hinting at a big relationship so thought for ages it was her, until I mentioned this to her H and he forwarded me a message from my H to the OW saying he'd brought up the topic of her being 'special' to him at his leaving do before that mail... Of course when confronted my H said he did it to 'spare me' the hurt. Ho hum. Cover his arse, more like. Can you speak to the OW or her partner / h if she has one? Might seem like stirring up a lot but you need your mind to be put at rest or it will send you mad.

Well peedoffnetter, its up to you now wiether to believe him,
I'll say again don't let other posts sway you

I have never been in your poistion, but I think hes caught himself on in time, hopefully and you will recover from this, and start to enjoy the rest of your pg and your husband keeps to his word

I wouldn't say I agree with cannydoit, but I think we all start with perfect ideals, if he did this he'd be out on his ear, but truth is You love your husband and your family you do have to reconsider these ideals sometimes, but don't be too hard onyourself for going back on what you stand for if you know what I mean

DH told me from beginning that it was him that kissed her, the very first time. She persued with the texts and from the ones I have seen it was her starting off the conversation, but that doesn't make a difference to me. I don't want to talk to her, don't want to see her but know I will have to at some stage cos of their work. She's beneath me and always will be, so I'm not going to embarrass or belittle myself by approaching her. She's getting married this year and probably is terrified I will make contact with her fiance. At the begininning I told my DH to get her to tell her fiance so that he didn't end up in the same position, getting married without knowing but then I changed my mind. It's nothing to do with me, I have enough on my plate at the moment.

Does that seem harsh? I seem to keep forgetting there is another innocent party who's about to marry her? Or maybe they are the same and he plays away too and couldn't care less what I tell him?

heavens what a mess. it's her problem re: her marriage so i wouldn't meddle. absolutely ignore her if you come into contact with her, and DH should do the same from now on.

you'll never know 100% what happened between them but if you want to stay with him and make it work, you've got to make peace and move on.

sometimes it is better not to know every detail - it is just a stick to beat yourself and him with when you are feeling badly.

He knows now he needs to regain your trust and that is what will be crucial to keep you two together.

best of luck, i think you are doing the right thing.