How to describe how it feels reading all these posts? It's so good on one level, to know it's not just me going through all this, to find my own thoughts and feelings echoed so often; but at the same time it's so incredibly sad that we're all going through such awful, horrible things, feeling so bad about ourselves, struggling so much to come to terms with things, just to believe that what happened, happened. I just want to cry reading a lot of the posts. It's not fair.
AN, thank you for what you said about believing my words - that means an awful lot to me. And I agree of course that Pinky, you are so NOT a waste of space - but just tonight I was in the kitchen, creating pure chaos, going crazy and calling myself a f**ing moron. They really got us coming and going, didn't they? That self hatred, once planted, just keeps on running and running, without them even being there any more.
OPO, thank you too for what you said before about understanding all of my post last week (fri) that too meant a lot to me. And your posts today - could relate so, so much to them. I am REALLY struggling with motherhood at the moment. And it tears my heart out that this is the case. I have the opposite but the same - DS is not in nursery, so I don't have that guilt - but because I never get a break from him (his sleep has been terrible lately, evne in the day and evening, as well as all the night wakings, and I feel like I'm going out of my mind) I end up shouting and just being so horrible to him, not all the time but too often. It's very up and down, we will always have some lovely times in a day, but we have some truly awful ones too. I feel like I'm behaving towards him like my parenst behaved towards me, as if he's a big nuisance - and I know I'm not like them but still, it's horrible, when I love him so much and fought so hard to have him to find myself looking at him with that coldness and anger. It's absolutely killing me.
Just not coping. I know exactly what you mean OPO about not taking anything else on. I crave the time and energy to deal with my "stuff" and I know that's another reason I'm getting horrible with DS, because I dont' have that space for me, for looking after my inner child. My therapist keeps saying she supports me in skipping sessions with her and using the money to pay for childcare in the day so I can do some work on myself (and rest) as the way she works depends a lot on doing homework too and I used to do tons, and now do very little. Am really struggling with that though. Am just struggling with everything. Never enough time to cook proper meals, always jars and ready meals and takeaways - well, a lot of the time, anyway. Never any time to do all those millions of jobs that build up. Just a sense of things all being about to topple over on top of me. And it's rubbing off on DS, he's getting more anxious and needy with me, which I find harder and harder to deal wiht and it's a vicious circle. I thought to myself recently - how can I comfort DS and tell him everything's allright and he's safe, when I still don't feel safe myself? Where am I supposed to find that from?
I may get that book you're talking about AN, it sounds very sensible. I guess if it takes some of the pressure off that's a good thing. I always think everyone else is coping so much better than I am, and my therapist is always trying to tell me that there's a lot goes on behind closed doors.
Anyway, have to go now, finish clearing up the humungous mess I made before trying to cook a proper meal batch for DS for once, after a particularly atrocious night last night and just being so frayed. And nearly having a big row wiht DH who is under enough pressure at work at the mo without worrying about me and DS too, but fortunately at least we managed to avert that. Night all.