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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the other woman. Need advice

99 replies

NikosNikki · 19/02/2009 19:32

I will start off by saying I am the other woman. I got myself into this unintentionally and I fully expect to be flamed but I could really do with some advice. I have nobody else to speak to.

Basically I unintentionally became involved with a married man. I knew he was married when it started. I did have feelings for him before it actually started but I had NO intention of acting on them. When he started instigating things, I tried to walk away. I told him I didn't want to be involved. He asked me if I would say the same thing if he wasn't married. I made the mistake of saying no so he just wouldn't let it go.

I feel horrible and I know I deserve it. I have no excuse but now its started, I can't stop thinking about him and everytime I do, I think of his wife (who I know) and their happy kids and I know I'm very close to destroying their entire family.

He won't stop. I have tried but I have to see him all the time. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ScorpiowithabigS · 19/02/2009 19:32

Just step away and don't do it anymore.

MarlaSinger · 19/02/2009 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PottyCock · 19/02/2009 19:35

Sorry, no sympathy here. His poor kids won't be happy for long will they, thanks to you and their Daddy?

What a couple of snakes you are.

shonaspurtle · 19/02/2009 19:35

You don't have to see him all the time. You want to. Think harder about those happy children.

Try harder.

Lilyloo · 19/02/2009 19:36

What exactly are you asking for help with ?

sowhatis · 19/02/2009 19:37

For your own sanity step-away.

He has no intention of leaving otherwise he would have done it by now.

i was involved in an emotional affair which was wrecking both our lives (as our heads were not in 'real life' but the fantasy we had built up - which never involved leaving the partner)- we stepped back, it hasnt been easy, but the best thing to try and save our marraiges.

he is looking for a 'kick' from the boredom of married life - but you have to step back for your own sanity

Miyazaki · 19/02/2009 19:37

I can't tell if you have kids or not. Bit masochistic to choose to post this on a site full of mothers, a large percentage of whom have husbands or partners.

What do you think we're going to say?

JulesJules · 19/02/2009 19:38

Walk away. There is no way this can end well, and it can only get worse the longer you let it go on.

Doha · 19/02/2009 19:38

Do the honourable thing

Walk away

How would you feel if somwone did it to you

No excuse -shame on you

slummymummy36 · 19/02/2009 19:38

Am newish to this site but I think you're on the wrong one if you are lookin for sympathy.

Walk away now before you really hurt his poor wife and kids.

Find yourself a SINGLE man for your sexual needs - to a mrried man you will merely be a just a hole for him to put it, no matter what line he spins you!

dittany · 19/02/2009 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyslippers · 19/02/2009 19:39

Basically I unintentionally became involved with a married man. I knew he was married when it started

change your phone number

ignore his calls

you KNOW what to do, you just don't want to

it will all come crashing down and it won't be pretty

DrillBit · 19/02/2009 19:39

He won't stop but why cant you. Sounds like your trying to lay all the blame on him from your post. When you know dep down your are just as culpable.

Your close to destroying his family isnt that alone enough to make you walk away.

Nabster · 19/02/2009 19:40

Do the right thing.

If you do, then maybe just you will get hurt.

If you don't, then lots more people will.

catMandu · 19/02/2009 19:40

Ok, sit down and imagine the worse thing that could happen, imagine how his wife would look, what she would say, imagine what the children would say, imagine them crying, imagine them all hating you.

Then walk away, every time you are tempted to see him/call him - go back to imagining all the above.

You know it's wrong, you have to be strong and stop it.

BFQi · 19/02/2009 19:41

The wording of your post makes it sound like you don't really believe you are responsible for this situation. You are. You have a choice, and I'm sure you know what the right one is.

Pennies · 19/02/2009 19:43

on a number of levels.

Original poster
NikosNikki · 19/02/2009 19:44

I know. I have had it done to me too. I keep telling him I feel too guilty about his wife. He says what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I asked him to think if he would say the same thing if it was her messing around behind his back, would it be ok if he didn't know. He changed the subject. He asked me if I want him to leave her. I said of course not. I don't want sympathy, I just genuinly do not know how to solve it.

I have tried walking away. I changed my phone number, stopped answering the door etc but I work with him so cannot stop seeing him.

I don't actually want it to carry on. Even if he did leave his wife, I have no interest in him as a proper partner. He knows this. I know he feels the same way.

I do have children, yes. They are friends with his children. This is what I mean, I know his wife and his kids and everything and they greet me with smiley faces everytime they see me and I can barely look his wife in the eye anymore. I'm starting to think she will twig sooner or later that something is up anyway but he doesn't seem bothered. Like nobody will ever know but it's making me ill. I don't know how to stop it when I have to see him all the time

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 19/02/2009 19:44

Why do you have to see him all the time?

As others have said tell him its over, walk away, change your number, or don't answer his calls

Are you friends with his wife?

seeker · 19/02/2009 19:45

How can you unintentionally get involved with someone? I am presuming you are an adult woman - walk away.

dittany · 19/02/2009 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 19/02/2009 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum1369 · 19/02/2009 19:46

Cat is right - try to imagine where this is going. Do you want him to leave his wife ? Do you want the guilt and the fallout from that ? Do you think it will go on without anyone finding out ? It might though that is unlikely - and if it doesn't can you live with the guilt and sharing him ? What do you want from the relationship - it can't ever be perfect because too many other people will get hurt. Once this has started you can't go back to how you were with him. In order to extricate yourself from the situation you have to walk away right now really and take steps to keep right away.

EffiePerine · 19/02/2009 19:46

at 'unintentionally'

'what did you do, trip?'

ladyhelen2 · 19/02/2009 19:46

A friend of mine was involoved with a married man with kids for over 3 years. It destroyed her life for most of that time. I have never seen her more unhappy whilst it was going on.He promised her time after time he would leave his wife but he never did. Once she finally ended it she was able to move on and now is married to a lovely man and has two gorgeous kids. But for 3 years she was MISERABLE. Walk away from this now before this happens to you which it will unless YOU end it. And thats not even touching on the actual morality of the situation.