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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the other woman. Need advice

99 replies

NikosNikki · 19/02/2009 19:32

I will start off by saying I am the other woman. I got myself into this unintentionally and I fully expect to be flamed but I could really do with some advice. I have nobody else to speak to.

Basically I unintentionally became involved with a married man. I knew he was married when it started. I did have feelings for him before it actually started but I had NO intention of acting on them. When he started instigating things, I tried to walk away. I told him I didn't want to be involved. He asked me if I would say the same thing if he wasn't married. I made the mistake of saying no so he just wouldn't let it go.

I feel horrible and I know I deserve it. I have no excuse but now its started, I can't stop thinking about him and everytime I do, I think of his wife (who I know) and their happy kids and I know I'm very close to destroying their entire family.

He won't stop. I have tried but I have to see him all the time. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Mutt · 19/02/2009 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 19/02/2009 20:11

Pathetic

whereismumhiding · 19/02/2009 20:14

NikosNikki, please go on a dating site for single parents, start looking for and dating other (SINGLE or divorced) men and you will see there are other (& probably) nicer men out there for you rather than someone's husband (your friends!) and your children's friends' married father. I feel sorry for his wife and children, he doesnt sound a catch.

wizard1 · 19/02/2009 20:20

NikosNikki, I can give you the other side of the story if you wish. I have recently found out that my H was kissing & texting a colleague. I am currently pregnant on number 2 at the moment and can honestly say, I thought my world had collapsed. I've never been so scared or upset. My feelings towards the OW are non-existent. She owed me nothing, she didn't know me and I couldn't care less about her. But then I didn't know her! It may very well have been different if I knew her.

MumOfBaby · 19/02/2009 20:24

I think you should walk away. To be able to sleep at night or look yourself in the eye in the mirror. I'd be devastated if I was his wife.

But then I must add, he's a nasty cheat and so I feel bad for his wife anyway. It's already gone this far.

How tragic.

girlandboy · 19/02/2009 20:31

Can't think what you are expecting us to say really!

"Shame on you" is the first thing that springs to mind.

That's of course if you're not a troll, but just a rather selfish woman.

SulliedYouth · 19/02/2009 20:39

Do I know you? You sound very much like the second rate hag that was having it off with my husband!
As someone else said, grow a spine, stop being so selfish and go get back in your kennel!

fabbiemamma · 19/02/2009 20:43

His wife is probably ugly, boring and haggard. Carry on and give the poor guy some pleasure

catsmother · 19/02/2009 20:44

You might not have any choice at the moment about seeing him (though I suppose it's good you're looking for another job) but although you've not yet slept together, you are nonetheless helping him to commit emotional adultery.

You don't HAVE to talk to him - except if and when your job role demands it. Then, you remain professional.

If he persists in "pestering" you after you have made it clear you're not interested in an affair with him, then he is guilty of harassment and you could report him to HR.

That's all you have to do to stop this thing in its tracks - stop engaging in his attempts to chat you up, tell him you're not interested, don't get drawn into hypothetical conversations about how it'd be if he wasn't married and then TELL him that you WILL report him for sexual harassment if he doesn't leave you alone.

You make it sound as if you have no choice but to go along with it but that's totally immature shite. Sure ..... it may hurt to resist something you want ..... for a while but it won't be forever. I bet the majority of us here have had (above board) workplace relationships which have gone wrong, and have had to still see that person at work ...... and guess what, we survived.

harleyd · 19/02/2009 20:44

this place is fucked up and full of twats tonight

HappyWoman · 19/02/2009 21:05

Come on - flirting is fun, we have all done it and it can get out of hand.

If i were you i would flirt outragously in front of his wife - it would probaly make him uncomfortable enough to stop.

I do know of some friends husbands who i fantasize about - but believe me i would really lose all respect for them if they ever thought it would go any further - i know i wouldnt and would be quite offended if they wanted to. Keep it in your dreams - as it sounds as if you cant trust yourself not to let yourself down.

OrmIrian · 19/02/2009 21:09

He has more to lose than you. Remind him of that.

dittany · 19/02/2009 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 19/02/2009 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slummymummy36 · 19/02/2009 21:35

Simple! Tell him to fuck off or you will tell his wife he wont stop making passes at you.

OR

Do him for sexual harrassment at work.

Both will probably be equally effective.

KiwiKat · 19/02/2009 21:51

Oooh - you can't let this guy go - what a catch! Lying to his wife means that OF COURSE he would never lie to you. Just because he's fooled you into betraying someone you know and like because your shallow ego needs a boost doesn't mean you're selfish and stupid, does it? And imagine how impressed all your colleagues are with you've been doing - please don't kid yourself that they don't see what's going on right under their noses.

And if you're a troll - well done. You've pushed a big button and got us all riled.

KiwiKat · 19/02/2009 21:52

Oooh - you can't let this guy go - what a catch! Lying to his wife means that OF COURSE he would never lie to you. Just because he's fooled you into betraying someone you know and like because your shallow ego needs a boost doesn't mean you're selfish and stupid, does it? And imagine how impressed all your colleagues are with you've been doing - please don't kid yourself that they don't see what's going on right under their noses.

And if you're a troll - well done. You've pushed a big button and got us all riled.

AnyFucker · 19/02/2009 21:53

having to laugh at fabbiemamma's (read, troll) attempt at stirring up outrage being completely ignored...

Hesdoneitagain · 19/02/2009 21:57

I'm so slow I didn't realise fabbiemamma was a troll just thought she was being deeply sarcastic.

[mentally tries to wake up!]

piechart · 19/02/2009 21:59

I was the 'other woman' for nearly 2 years, its a totally crap place to be. I was totally fooled by a man, he painted a dire picture of his homelife & marriage, and I was really convinced that I was 'helping' him.
I also know someone who was the 'other woman' and the man left his wife for her and within a few years he had left her for someone else.

Deep down I think you know that this is not the right relationship for you, but sadly I think we sometimes carry on doing things despite the hurt they may cause ourselves and others.

All the MN posting daft stuff should think themselves very lucky they have never been in this position.

piechart · 19/02/2009 21:59

I was the 'other woman' for nearly 2 years, its a totally crap place to be. I was totally fooled by a man, he painted a dire picture of his homelife & marriage, and I was really convinced that I was 'helping' him.
I also know someone who was the 'other woman' and the man left his wife for her and within a few years he had left her for someone else.

Deep down I think you know that this is not the right relationship for you, but sadly I think we sometimes carry on doing things despite the hurt they may cause ourselves and others.

All the MN posting daft stuff should think themselves very lucky they have never been in this position.

charmargot · 19/02/2009 22:05

What a wanker man. Totally using you. If he had any real feelings for you he wouldn't put you in this shitty position.
Get out quick.
Good luck!!
There are some nice men out there.

LeQueen · 19/02/2009 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SulliedYouth · 19/02/2009 22:14

at LeQueen

Margaretwwl · 19/02/2009 22:20

My hubby is also having an affair with his colleague ( an ex friend of mine), who's half his age. She knows our kids, knew I was pregnant with no3, when the affair started. But it didnt stop them. The pregnancy was hell, the past 2 years have been hell, constant lying (he's never admitted it/ said sorry) so Ive asked him for a separation, which he's refused cos he doesn't want to hurt kids! He thinks we 'discuss' things ie I get things off my chest & things are fine, but no - I'm not putting up with that anymore.
You know what to do. You have children. Think about them. What message are you trying to teach your kids & his? That it's OK for a partner to cheat & lie? It's OK to be with a married person? It's OK to hurt people so long as you're enjoying yourself, having a little fun?
of course, you 2 may be in love, in which case, he/ you should divorce before continuing your relationship.

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