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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm the other woman. Need advice

99 replies

NikosNikki · 19/02/2009 19:32

I will start off by saying I am the other woman. I got myself into this unintentionally and I fully expect to be flamed but I could really do with some advice. I have nobody else to speak to.

Basically I unintentionally became involved with a married man. I knew he was married when it started. I did have feelings for him before it actually started but I had NO intention of acting on them. When he started instigating things, I tried to walk away. I told him I didn't want to be involved. He asked me if I would say the same thing if he wasn't married. I made the mistake of saying no so he just wouldn't let it go.

I feel horrible and I know I deserve it. I have no excuse but now its started, I can't stop thinking about him and everytime I do, I think of his wife (who I know) and their happy kids and I know I'm very close to destroying their entire family.

He won't stop. I have tried but I have to see him all the time. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

KerryMumbles · 19/02/2009 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

herbietea · 19/02/2009 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nabster · 20/02/2009 08:45

NikkosNikki this is what you could cause

flaminhell · 20/02/2009 09:02

NikkosNikki, its a game, hes playing, he loves the way you react, he loves how excited he feels, he loves the pure lust of expectation, but honestly without a doubt, you will not have been the first and you wont be the last.

Hes playing and once he has won, he will disappear as fast as it started, or worse it will all come out in the open, and every woman you know through school, or just the town you live will turn against you, you will be the scarlett woman, and no one will trust you near their dh.

Whether or not you realise it yet, this has all the hallmarks of being the biggest mistake you ever made.

walk away, do not look, think or react to him, it will be hard, but a lot easier than the fall out that is waiting for you a few months down the tracks.

Supercherry · 20/02/2009 10:10

I haven't read all the thread but really what is so attractive about a man who will cheat on his wife and children? A man like that disgusts me. He is a liar, a cheat and a coward, I mean really doesn't that turn you off?

Supercherry · 20/02/2009 10:13

The reason it feels so exciting is because it's forbidden and you only see what he wants you to see- it's not real life is it? He's probably a right boring bastard to live with.

MrsMattie · 20/02/2009 10:14

Hi OP.

I don't think you are some sort of fictional 'baddie', fwiw. Shit happens, people make crap decisions and let their heart/sex drive rule their head sometimes.

You've got caught up in a situation which isn't going to have a happy outcome for anyone. You can still salvage it, though. Just cut ties with this man, tell him it's over, and walk away with your dignity intact. You'll get over it. Promise.

pramspotter · 20/02/2009 10:41

The kids and the wife are more important than any romantic/lustful feelings that you have. Get away from him. Move if you have to.

Snooch · 20/02/2009 10:56

The fact of the matter is people always want what they can't have. Neither of you can truly have, or ever really know, the other, even if you do have sex. You don't see him lounging around on the sofa in front of the telly, farting and scratching his bollocks, he's not aware of any of your annoying little habits, as he is of his wife's...he's really just a bored man looking for a bit of unexplored fanjo. That's all you are to him, but maybe that's just what you want anyway.

Yeah, shit happens....the kind of shit that as his wife would probably make me hunt you down when I find out and scalp you. Amongst other unmentionable things. Ho hum.

wilbur · 20/02/2009 11:02

A friend of mine has recently discovered her h's affair with someone she knows. The devastation and mess and pain she and her children are experiencing is monstrous. You do not have any idea of what you are doing, you cannot possibly conceive the damage you can inflict, not just now, but for years and years to come. Fathers who leave their children and betray their family leave a legacy of mistrust and pain in their children forever. You are responsible for that. Stop now.

wizard1 · 20/02/2009 11:12

If it's not going to be you, it's going to be someone else. If I were you, I'd treat myself better and get a single man who knows how to treat a woman properly.
I have been on the other side. I've recently found out my H was kissing & texting a girl he works with. It's devastated me but for the sake of our DD and unborn child I have decide to make another go of it. I blame him 100%, that other girl owed me nothing, no loyalty nothing. but that's because I did not no her. I couldn't care less about her but I think as woman/mothers we shouldn't make ourselves available to married men.
Do the right thing and tell this creep to get himself sorted out or he'll lose his whole family.

pramspotter · 20/02/2009 11:13

Remember that even if a man has a wonderful wife the idea of getting off with someone new will be more exciting and he will destroy his children's childhood to get this thrill. He can't admit this so he paints the marriage as bad.

Don't help him a long with this OP. Nothing about you is more important than those kids.

Poor wife, being married to such a jerk. Even if their marriage lacks he shouldn't be doing this.

wizard1 · 20/02/2009 11:18

Supercherry is so right. That was my first question to my H when I found out about his relationship with this other girl. I kept asking him why she would find him attractive when she clearly knew he has a gorgeous DD and a pregnant wife at home. Why kind of woman was she? I think if you want a real life look at what could happen to you, look at the Ramsay family case, the names the mistress got called and the family unit pulling together. Her name is mud now

LeQueen · 20/02/2009 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 20/02/2009 11:48

"But, how would you feel if he was described as a man who was fully prepared to lie to his wife, lie to his children, break his wedding vows, potentially wreak his children's emotionally security....which is equally as accurate"

Or perhaps just as accurately as this middle-aged, boring bloke, who farts in bed, wears Homer Simpson underpants and never puts his clothes away (OK I'm using my imagination - insert alternative descriptions if you prefer).

Because sooner or later that is what he will become to a greater or lesser extent. is it worth the angst for everyone involved.

fruitbeard · 23/02/2009 06:28

SulliedYouth I have reported your post.

Please stop with this ridiculous, childish vendetta.

You know that your nasty comments are going to hurt another MNer who should not have to keep coming on here defending herself against your quite loathsome insults as you pursue her around the board.

Please get over it and stop using MN for your petty 'revenge'. It may momentarily make you feel better, but it makes you look rather unhinged to those who actually know the situation.

prettyfly1 · 23/02/2009 14:05

Fruit, sorry but without meaning to come across as nosy, what is that about - is there something we should be looking out for on other threads. There is a bit of a high alert for many of us on bullying at the mo so any suggestion of it going on is going to get a strong reaction. Been lurking on this thread for a while and although the critiscm has been harsh, it doesnt appear to have gotten too horrific.

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 14:20

I think that when you posted you really knew the answer. You step away-you are the adult and can cope with heartbreak, you don't mess up other lives-particularly the children. He seems very weak-be the strong one and cut off all contact.

prettyfly1 · 23/02/2009 14:27

ahhhh - just tracked this story back. Both sides of this particular equation need to stop using mumsnet as a slagging off forum. It is making everyone very uncomfortable and if you know each other then do it in rl. Tbh you are both coming across as women who are very typically attacking one another instead of the real criminal - that being the man involved. Why dont both of you find forums he is on and beat him up for a while. OP you know its wrong. You know you need to stop or you wouldnt have posted here. My advise as someone who has been where you are is to get out now.

juliaruralwife · 24/02/2009 11:42

If he is cheating on his wife he would cheat on you. How would you feel about that? He really cant be that irresistable. Get out and meet some single men, please, and leave other peoples husbands alone. How would you feel if your future husband and father of your children did what this man is doing? Put yourself in her shoes - seriously. Think about it.

SulliedYouth · 01/03/2009 11:07

Fruitbeard
I have only just seen your post. I think it is very unfair of you. I have recently changed names and had left this behind. I dont think you do actually know the full story and dont think I have done anything wrong in writing like I have. It is not a childish vendetta and she does not need to defend herself. If you want the whole story, email me and I will tell you but dont start judging me unless you have the true picture. The person you are on about is more than able to fight her own corner and having spoken to her recently I have changed my name so that we can both leave it behind on here. I also asked for my previous posts to be deleted as no matter what has gone on between us, I dont think that she should feel that she cant post on here. I will continue to post but to be honest yu and others like you are not making it easy for either of us. I will not respond to anymore jibes about me, her or the situation now.

SulliedYouth · 01/03/2009 11:08

Prettyfly1
You talk much sense and this is now being done!

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 01/03/2009 11:21

Is the man puting some kind of undue pressure on you? Because (despite the usual screaming from the monogamy obsessives) the impression I got from your posts was not evil-husband-stealing-bitch, more someone who was/is actually a bit afraid of this man and his constant pressurising. Some people are better at resisting constant pressure and manipulation than others - I think you may be someone who is a bit easily led and vulnerable. The best advice you have had is: tell him to leave you alone, once and for all, work related contact only, and if he doesn;t stop you will report him. I think maybe what you were asking for was the support to do that.

Fizzfiend · 03/03/2009 18:50

solidgold: you speak the most sense on MN! I actively seek out your posts now to see your advice. You are a great realist...thanks for your very non-judgemental advice!

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