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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the other woman. Need advice

99 replies

NikosNikki · 19/02/2009 19:32

I will start off by saying I am the other woman. I got myself into this unintentionally and I fully expect to be flamed but I could really do with some advice. I have nobody else to speak to.

Basically I unintentionally became involved with a married man. I knew he was married when it started. I did have feelings for him before it actually started but I had NO intention of acting on them. When he started instigating things, I tried to walk away. I told him I didn't want to be involved. He asked me if I would say the same thing if he wasn't married. I made the mistake of saying no so he just wouldn't let it go.

I feel horrible and I know I deserve it. I have no excuse but now its started, I can't stop thinking about him and everytime I do, I think of his wife (who I know) and their happy kids and I know I'm very close to destroying their entire family.

He won't stop. I have tried but I have to see him all the time. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 19/02/2009 19:47

I think you are doing this for effect...why don't you get a hobby, and stop bothering people?

Marthasmama · 19/02/2009 19:47

You have no interest in him as a proper partner? Then WTF are you playing at? Why are you potentially screwing up a family for a bit of fun? You have no shame.

Miyazaki · 19/02/2009 19:48

You have to be able to sleep at night. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and like what you see. Everybody fucks up sometimes but you know that you are doing it. And you know that you are in the process of fucking up innocent lives. Just stop it. Walk away. Blank him. If he genuinely will not leave you alone tell him you will speak to the police.

BCNS · 19/02/2009 19:49

I will firstly say for your own sake let alone his family's .. step away..

I have been the wife.. and I would blame the husband in this.. he knows what he has.. and if he doesn't want it he needs to leave before starting up something new.
and he knows it.. he deserves nothing less that have both of you leave him.. but that's just MO.

But you really shouldn't have gone along with it .. knowing his situation... but you know this.

his wife is going to torment herself as to why she isn't good enough.. what you have that she doesn't... she will wonder what you did .. or what you said to each other.. the stress in the house will be unbearable.. and no matter how hard she tries to hide it from the dc's it will seep like poison to them..
it will be a utterly slow and painful death of a marriage.
the dc's will wonder what they did wrong for all this to happen.

see that makes walking away so much easier doesn't it.

ladyhelen2 · 19/02/2009 19:50

x posts so just read yours with the more info. This will come out in the circumstances. You will get caught. You'll have to get another job and stop seeing him.

beansontoast · 19/02/2009 19:51

actively try and find someone else...someone who will be all yours...you and his wife deserve better than him.

shonaspurtle · 19/02/2009 19:51

Ok then.

Tell him if he contacts you again, touches you again, behaves in any way which would be inappropriate behaviour in the husband of a friend you will consider it harassment and report him to the police.

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 19/02/2009 19:51

I have no sympathy for you.

STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM....and he will soon get the message, get bored and probably move on to some other poor cow.

sickofsocalledexperts · 19/02/2009 19:51

I do understand what you're saying Nikos. It is like an addiction and it's like saying "just stop smoking". It's not as easy as that! Why not try not seeing him for 2 weeks, just break the task down into manageable chunks. Then use that 2 weeks to do some nice things for yourself to take your mind off it. You will have broken the addiction just a little, and after 2 weeks you might find it easier to tell him to F* off. And remember this - you're just in the addictive, can't-keep-away-from-him, lust stage - that goes after 2 years with every man, and you're left with the same old scene - bloke watching footie on sofa and jumping your bones when you'd rather go to sleep. If you can see it for what it is - just the chemical attraction of first lust, and not think of it as anything deeper, it might be easier to step away. He sounds like a fairly arrogant obnoxious character - and let's face it, he just wants the sex. Just try and make sure it doesn't all blow up in your face, as you could end up stuck wi the schmuck when the wife kicks him out!

oxocube · 19/02/2009 19:52

Nikos, are you married/living with someone? Do you have to stay in the same job or is there any chance you could move away and start again? I am not going to judge you although there are many on this site who will, perhaps with personal reasons for doing so. I think it is possible to get caught up in a moment and to continue for a little while until reality hits you. Maybe you love this man but honestly, its never going to end well. In your position, if at all possible, I would look to make a clean break from the guy, your job etc and start over.

Nabster · 19/02/2009 19:52

You need to make a choice.

Also a new job might be sensible.

dittany · 19/02/2009 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BCNS · 19/02/2009 19:53

Oh and one more thing.. IME the wife will already know.. maybe not who it is with.. but she will know. trust me on that one. poor woman.

MarlaSinger · 19/02/2009 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NikosNikki · 19/02/2009 19:54

We have not actually slept together. I should have put that in the OP, I realise.

I am looking for another job.

OP posts:
Miyazaki · 19/02/2009 19:55

You must be very bored tonight.

The Wire is very good - only £15 from Amazon for Series One. Treat yourself.

BCNS · 19/02/2009 19:56

it makes no difference if you have slept with him or not.

spookshowangel · 19/02/2009 19:56

hey hun. this is a shit situation that u are never going tocome out of clean either he wont leave her and u will either be left onur own feeling guilty about what u have done or he will leave her for u then u have to live with the guilt of taking a dad away from his kids or worse she finds out and generally the do an u have hurt everyone.
the fact that a man chased u intencionally alsost smugly when he knew u knew he was married should have warned u off.
you are going to get very badly hurt here and probably hurt a lot of other people.
think about it and go with your gut and take care of urself.
ignore the judgement because everyone does shit stuff just not everyone is honest.

KayHarker · 19/02/2009 19:57

I'd blank him. Completely. Neccessary work interaction only. Shutters down, m'lady, it's the only way.

If he doesn't lose interest (and I think it might take a few weeks, but I think he might) then you will need to think about another job. There's always fallout from this kind of crap, and if it's just the hassle of finding a new job, that really is the very least of the nastiest consequences.

No more excuses, NikosNikki, you have to be a hardnosed bitch on this. Make your choice to stop and stick to it like there were lives depending on it. Because there are, really, aren't there?

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 19/02/2009 19:58

The fact you havent slept together is fortunate...please dont, it will further complicate things. Think how you would feel if you were his wife. The gut wrenching pain she will feel when she eventually finds out about the two of you.
Show some respect for your friend and yourself.

MarlaSinger · 19/02/2009 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilyloo · 19/02/2009 20:00

You want people to advise you how to say 'no'
bit odd to me...

Miyazaki · 19/02/2009 20:01

odd is one word for it

MarlaSinger · 19/02/2009 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilyloo · 19/02/2009 20:05

At least name change when you are trolling on different threads .....