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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to keep things 'alive'

26 replies

sowhatis · 19/02/2009 13:03

so what do u all do to keep things fresh and alive?

ive been married for 10yrs, things are far from exciting as like everyone, daily life with kids gets in the way.

there is an ex that i talk to now and again - normally as a symptom of life being boring - and i dont want to go down that road. it all stopped a few weeks ago as things were becoming to 'emotional' and it was more than a chat in the end.

so what can i do to put a spark into my marraige? me and dh have talked alot and i want to feel wanted - something he isnt very good at.

any help much appreciated

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 19/02/2009 13:10

Do you make him feel wanted? It is a two way street and sometimes it is easy to forget that men like to feel wanted as well. What would you like him to do? Do/could you do the same things for him so he realises how good it feels? Maybe a cheeky text during the day? A little note on the pillow for when he gets in from work? Write him an IOU for something you know he would like you to do to/for him. Or whatever you want him to do for you. Sometimes you just have to show them, rather than tell them, what you want.

OrmIrian · 19/02/2009 13:12

"It is a two way street and sometimes it is easy to forget that men like to feel wanted as well"

Yep. Good start. It's amazing how a bit of kindness and love oils the wheels.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/02/2009 13:13

we read a great marraige book which said to 'act how you want to be loved' which we both did - then came another issue (his family realted) and that all stopped.

i guess i dont show him much affection - because he doesnt/cant show me much - i know its a 2 way street, and i know im running in the opposite direction and looking for 'kicks' elsewhere.

i have tried the texting thing, he doesnt seem to 'get it' really, or responds with something that jst isnt a turn on, so then i get pissed off.

thank you for responding xx

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 19/02/2009 13:28

Try the IOU thing. You can make up your own or buy 'cheque book' style ready made ones. There is one at lovehoney called naughty or nice that I use. Maybe you could buy the book and take turns to use it? I really do think that we women do have to teach our men what to do. Imagine its like teaching a child something they don't 'get'. I bet you don't get pissed off with them about it. Treat your DH the same. Show him again and give him the opportunity to imptove.

Do you still love him? Do you still fancy him? Do you just love being with him? If you do, persevere. It can be done. Really. It is hard work for you to begin with, but if he loves you he will want to learn.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/02/2009 15:35

he does love me, i do lovve him, not dont think 'pphhhooorrrww' at all. but i do try and my sex drive is far higher and he doesnt like to make a move on me, so i always do and then get fed up with trying all the time. he rarely refuses, but i always have to initiate.

OP posts:
Nabster · 19/02/2009 15:37

My hubby and are a bit mismatched when it comes to sex but we have talked a lot just recently and both of us have made the time to be close. Spontaneous sex is hard to have with 3 children, a stressful job and a knackered couple, but planned sex is still sex and still good.

Comprimise works and reminding hubby about other options.

Cuddles and little kisses are important.

BonsoirAnna · 19/02/2009 15:40

If you want your life to be exciting (not boring) you have to go out and find excitement. Life doesn't pitch up at your doorstep and come to find you - you have to go out and find it for yourself.

Do new things - both separately and together. Read books and magazines, visit a town you have never been to before and learn about it. Look at the world around you and find out about architecture, landscape, agriculture and everything else that has shaped your environment (and yourselves). Work out who you are - and then work out who you could be.

cupofteaplease · 19/02/2009 15:43

My dh and I are really mismatched at the moment in the bedroom too

We've only been married a year, but dh just isn't interseted in sex- says he's too tired. I think it's because I'm too fat, so have started on a strict diet, and slowly it's working, but STILL dh doesn't notice me.

Feeling a bit bad, because I went out with some friends recently and got some male attention from my bf's fiancee's bf (are you keeping up?!). Nothing sexual at all, but the following day he rang my bf to tell her that he really enjoyed meeting me and that I'm a lovely person etc. But clearly my dh dosn't see me that way.

So no advice, but sympathy!

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/02/2009 15:52

I am doing more stuff on my own and also lost alot of weight and doing exercise again.

He isnt doing much, hes got a few nights/days out with the guys planned (after me pestering him to get off his arse and do something different).

i am trying to put some sparkle back in, but get fed up of trying and then go competley the other way where i cant be bothered even having him around/talking to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatis · 23/02/2009 17:06

this weekend has been awful. we have snipped at each other (which we never do) and although he has now agreed to try marraige counselling, when we can actually go (no one to look after kids) is an issue. i now feel like i dont even want to try.....

anyone been here?....

OP posts:
Nabster · 23/02/2009 17:07

I have been where I wished things were over so I could be free of my life.

GiantMutantRat · 23/02/2009 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sowhatis · 23/02/2009 17:12

nabster - thats what i feel like. he works such long hrs that is only here at the weekend and i feel like i dont c him anyway and it wouldnt make that much of a difference.

giantmutantrat, good idea, but one of the probs is that i hae a higher sex drive than him and he never attempts to come onto me - can imagine gorgeous weekend - but sexless.

OP posts:
Nabster · 23/02/2009 17:14

I want it more than him too but we talked about it. Our weekend away is this week (1 night) for my birthday present.

Original poster
sowhatis · 23/02/2009 17:15

we have talked and today he agreed we need to try something to help. i feel empty, but heavy with a sick feeling and i jst dnt knw what to do.

hope you have a good weekend xx

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 23/02/2009 17:15

Men are crap at texts seriously not the way to go. Slip a dirty or romantic note in his jacket pocket and tell him about it at 11 in the morning when he is at work.

Original poster
sowhatis · 23/02/2009 17:41

sounds a good idea prettyfly, but i dont think he will 'get it' and i dont ctually think i can be bothered now. thats the biggest problem.

OP posts:
Nabster · 23/02/2009 17:46

I tried flriting with DH in the next room via facebook yesterday and he didn't get it!

sayithowitis · 23/02/2009 17:55

well, if you can't be bothered, there's nowhere else to go really is there? You either want to get things sorted or you don't. if you don't, maybe you have do sit down and decide what is going to happen now. Do you want to stay in your marriage? if so, it may be that you have to create a new (for you) type of relationship, or you bring it to an end. if you want to get your 'kicks' elsewhere, you need to talk to him about it to see whether he is happy to remain in your relationship or not.

Original poster
sowhatis · 23/02/2009 18:00

my dh wouldnt get it either.....

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 23/02/2009 18:35

take pictures of your breast and send it too him when you know he will be busy/have company works every time!

saying that, my DP working such long hours just now - hardly see him, when hes home hes sleeping, i got majorly pissed off yesterday because he put all his attention on DD (as it should be) and i was on the outside - its hard to deal with and difficult to feel sexy after a day trudging behind them pushing the pushchair loaded with stuff while they are hand holding and laughing together - replaced by a younger woman, and shes only 3!!!!!

Fizzfiend · 23/02/2009 19:00

My dH would be mortified if I sent him a rude pic. He can barely look at me naked (and I look good BTW!) After years of being kicked back, I have given up. I know it's wrong, but how much does a girl have to take? I am seeing someone else now - keeps me from having to take cold showers every day and it makes me feel wanted. It's a huge risk but this is my life...I'm having a mid-life crisis or something but I'm suddenly realising we only get one shot at this life. Sorry for this all about me post. But just thought you would like a different opinion. Sucks when the men don't want you...it seems to be the way of the world these days as far as I can see....

LucyEllensmummy · 23/02/2009 19:07

Fizz

Pan · 23/02/2009 19:11

No, texts are good!! It's such a turn on to get messages, from the suggestive to the filthy. I only worry about being in a car accident (not texting btw), and some kind of investigation revealing the content of my phone........

Original poster
sowhatis · 24/02/2009 08:28

Fizz, what a bad situ to be in, know what u mean though.

Pan, thats quite funny!!

we talked again and now he wants to go counselling and i just dont know what i want. my head is such a mess with this all.

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