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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

got no friends, very very lonely & wondering wtf is wrong with me

85 replies

staples · 18/02/2009 08:38

When dp goes out to work and dd trots off to school I just want to weep. I spend all day every day alone (with baby) We moved and I don't know anyone. I tried, but it's hard with a bay in tow and miles from anyone. I've not kept in touch with people from university. I have no friends I am so unbelievably lonely. i am crap at making friends. Feel a real sense of panic at social gatherings now, eg went to parents social thing at dd school and everyone was in groups chatting. I don't know what to do. Just barge up & into a group. Hover by the cake and hope someone says hello. I was brave and went up and spoke to someone. Then someone else came up to talk to her, so then they were talking and ignored me. I felt like an idiot and just sort of shuffled off. I can't get a job cos of baby. I have whole weeks where I odn't peak to a single person except dp when he gets in (late) from work.

Now found out there are 3 parties this week in dd class, and she's not invited to any of them (2 of the birthday children were invited to dd birthday party, but she's not invited back) overheard 2 of the mums whispering about it and they shushed each other when they saw me. feel like howling.

OP posts:
Lindenlass · 18/02/2009 08:40

Oh crap

Have you tried volunteering with something like NCT? Whereabouts are you? Maybe some kind local MNers might be able to point you in the direction of friendly groups.

compo · 18/02/2009 08:41

oh no, that is awful
have you invited any children round to play?
if you want to get in contact with old friends jst to make you smile it's worth giving facebook a go

Ceebee74 · 18/02/2009 08:43

Oh you sound so

Is there any mother * baby/toddler groups that you can go to? I know it is hard but at lesat you would be in adult company for a couple of hours. Are there any groups through your HV - baby massage, reading etc.

Please don't be down on yourself - there is nothing wrong with you - just parents in their little cliques.

How old is your baby?

Lizzylou · 18/02/2009 08:50

Oh Staples, you do sound down.
How old is your baby? Are there any baby massage groups? I agree mother and toddler groups are the way forward, esp as women with new babies are often in your position, suddenly not working and at home all day.
Have you spoken to your HV? She may know of any groups in your area.
The library?

Just wanted to reassure you about parties, my DS1 is in reception and is having a joint party with DS2, we simply cannot afford for him to have the whole class (which other children in his class have had) so we are only inviting about 7/8 children from his class, some of those who aren't invited he has been to their parties. It's not personal, it's economics unfortunately.
Those other Moms were prob trying to be tactful in their own way.

Do you live near another MNer? Have a look on Mumsnet Local.

Gravitygirl · 18/02/2009 08:50

Sorry you are feeling so down x

If its any consolation, I feel exactly the same, however I dont even have one at school yet . I am deading that as I suppose I have pinned my hopes on making friends there were in reality I know the cliquness will probably be worse.

Where do you live? do you have any playgroups you can go too?

Like someone else says, I have to remind myself that its not me ( I hope lol) but just other parents already in groups, its a tough one to break into!!

SleepyCaz · 18/02/2009 08:51

Oh you poor thing. Try not to feel sad. How old is baby? Where are you from? Have you told DP how you feel? x x

maddylou · 18/02/2009 08:58

It will get better-keep trying,you only really need one good friend,thinking of you -good luck.

Geepers · 18/02/2009 09:03

If it helps I feel similarly to you.

I am just unable to make conversation, and although I will occassionally (once a month maybe) get a 'hello' or a smile at the school, I think I must generally be know as 'she who does not speak'.

I probably come across as quite rude and stand-offish, but really I am just very shy, so look at the floor or away from people so I don't embarrass myself.

To be honest I have just learned to accept that I am like this. I know deep down that it's not because I'm a bad person that I don't have friends, it's just I am shy.

sheena1 · 18/02/2009 09:07

I know from experiance its very hard but have you tried any local mother and toddlers groups with my dd i was so lonel never went to any as i was scared wat people would say hated walking into a room with lots of people but with ds i said to myself no more of this so i found out about a mums n tots so i got there early so i was kind of the 1st one in and as people came in they saw me spoke to me and ds and now i have a good wee group of friends . .it is hard but after the 1st few times going you become relaxed and whether anyone speaks or not to you ur there u hear local gossip whats going on .

so sorry for your dd not being invited to partys some people r cruel x

ABetaDad · 18/02/2009 09:17

staples - my sincere best wishes for you because your post has made me very sad and reminds me of my own Mum.

I only found out recently what my Mum went through when I was a teenager. She was not a very outgoing person and living in an isolated rural community with little money and not able to drive she became very lonely and I dare say clinically depressed.

A year ago, my youngest sister told me what happened. Apparently my Mum would just upstairs and cry for hours. I was unaware of this as I was away at boarding school. My Dad was not the kind of man who showed his own feelings very easily and did not know what to do so he ignored it and hoped she would just 'snap out of it'.

I am telling this story because I hope it will at least comfort you that this is not your fault. There is nothing weird or unusual about how you feel.

I agree with others that finding a playgroup would be a good start. Making friends is often a lot easier if you have a common interest or at least a common circumstance as the other people in a group. You have at least got someyhing to talk about when you walk in the room and if you are 'helping out' at the playgroup then you are doing things with other people too.

What about a local church group or perhaps a local charity that you might be able to help out with for just a few hours?

Above all you must talk to your DP and try to get him to understand how desperate you feel. Is there any way you could afford to send your baby to a local nursery so that you could perhaps go out to work? If you can work and earn enough just to cover the nursery fees it would surely be worth it just to get out of the house. Not sure what the rules on childcare allowance are now or whether your baby is still too young to be eligible.

maddylou · 18/02/2009 09:20

At my local church they have someone who is specifically focussed on families and children ,they run the mother and toddler group,if you could tell someone like this they will help you,it doesn`t matter if you are not religious you can still go,they are very hot on community now

cupcake78 · 18/02/2009 09:57

I know how you feel and I only have the one and wish I could enjoy being at home more. I have joined a college and go to class once a week. Its been a life saver for me! I feel like I am part of something and i'm me not "just a mum".

I tried mums and toddler groups but just found they weren't for me at all. The mums all knew each other and I found they all went to the same groups. I felt like an outsider and just couldn't break into there little group. I'm not a shy person but my confidence has disappeared since I had my ds.

Dh works long hours, I am looking for a job but its not easy to find one at the moment. I also spend weeks wondering how to fill my day in, not talking to people and have a desperate need for interaction. I have started to shop at the local market at least the stall holders talk! Its abit of human contact. I have also found softplay to be a god sent! They hold sessions daily and i feel better because i'm doing something with ds not just hovering by the cake (I so understand!) and people do at least acknowledge me.

You should tell us where you live, maybe someone on here lives near you.

cluttercup · 18/02/2009 10:24

Where are you staples? There has been some good advice on here so far and perhaps mumsnet can be a little support until you manage to find "your people". After moving, I was in a similar position to you so I know just how lonely you are. I felt I had nothing in common with the preschool Mums and felt very isolated. Then one day, someone just spoke to me, we got chatting and she introduced me to lots of other people. It took me a while but it will happen for you - in the meantime, find some support on here. x

bloss · 18/02/2009 10:40

Message withdrawn

FriarKewcumber · 18/02/2009 10:44

oh you sound so miserable. Where are you? I'm blessed with a think skin and an outgoing nature and even I feel like a lonely pillock at some groups. Much better to arrang coffee with one or two other people than expect to make friends when they;re hunting in packs.

The otehrs mums may have been whispering about how unreasonable it was that your DD wasn;t invited.

GooseyLoosey · 18/02/2009 10:53

You sound so sad.

On the birthday parties thing, this has happened to ds and I was similarly upset. DS on the otherhand seems not to care in the slightest. On that basis, dh tells me not to get hung up on the details of the ebb and flow of young children's relationships - and he is right. Don't dwell on it - there is nothing you can do but rise above it.

With the baby - get out of the house. With ds, I wallowed in lonliness and unhappiness - it was awful. With dd, I forced myself to go to toddler groups - nothing happened for a long while, but eventually I had been going for long enough that I did make some friends.

Lastly, if you do not invite other children around to play with your dd currently, do it. I hate approaching other mothers but grit my teeth and do it. I also grit my teeth and ask them around for coffee. It is not easy but you can force yourself to do it.

dietstartstomorrow · 18/02/2009 10:58

I actually let out a big aaahhh at the 'shuffled off' part of your post

It's hard when your new, but would just say keep on trying. You'll soon be like one of the oldies.

XX

Original poster
staples · 18/02/2009 11:20

Thanks so much for your kindness.
When dp was getting ready for work today he asked me ' what have you got planned today?' and I just burst into tears. Same as any day. Nothing, just isolation and housework.
I can't say too much. I will keep trying.

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 18/02/2009 11:22

Where are you - could you meet up with other Mnetters?

Lizzylou · 18/02/2009 11:26

I am in East Lancashire, anywhere near you?
I met a lovely friend via Netmums meet a Mum.
It's easier to meet one person, chat away online, arrange to meet if you want to and then build from there.

Please don't feel sad, you can fix this. I do know exactly how you are feeling, lots of people on MN do, it's entirely natural. Babies seem to take your self-confidence away.

helips · 18/02/2009 11:33

Whereabouts are you Staples?

slayerette · 18/02/2009 11:34

When DS was a few weeks old, I was miserable, frightened of not being able to look after him well and went out very little. My HV came round and told me that if she didn't see me at her mother and baby group she was going to come and get me and make me go. So I shuffled over there with DS, who wouldn't stop crying (he had to have cranial osteopathy in the end), HV offered me a cup of tea and I burst into tears!

Well, HV swept DS off, one woman came over and poured my tea, another found me a chair and a biscuit and we've been friends ever since - five years on. Baby groups can be a lifesaver. And don't be afraid of showing your feelings - it helped me break down barriers really quickly and found me two good friends.

bloss · 18/02/2009 11:35

Message withdrawn

Stitchwort · 18/02/2009 11:40

It isn't just you, a lot of mums feel like this I know. I stopped going to a few groups because they were cliquey and I'm not outgoing enough to force my way in. But I have found a couple of smaller groups that I feel happy in. So keep trying.

What about swimming groups or the cinema, makes you feel like you are getting out but not as much pressure to make conversation as you are doing something.

Odeon do special baby screenings, www.odeon.co.uk/fanatic/newbies

Notquitegrownup · 18/02/2009 11:42

Staples - just signing in as another person who knows exactly how you feel. We moved just before I had ds1 and I thought that meeting other mums would be easy - but they all turned up at toddler groups with friends they already knew.

It does get better. MN is a great place to start. You can make real friends here, and whilst you are waiting, you get to talk to real grown ups, about stuff other than babies! Check out the MN classics threads for silly conversations and find yourself giggling (I really missed laughing with friends)

I also found that joining a church toddler group was helpful and that joining(starting) a book group was a good first step to making new friends - it was so good to get out in the evenings and be able to talk. If there isn't one near you, try sticking an advert on your local library notice board to start one up.

Best of luck.