got no friends, very very lonely & wondering wtf is wrong with me

[staples]

When dp goes out to work and dd trots off to school I just want to weep. I spend all day every day alone (with baby) We moved and I don't know anyone. I tried, but it's hard with a bay in tow and miles from anyone. I've not kept in touch with people from university. I have no friends I am so unbelievably lonely. i am crap at making friends. Feel a real sense of panic at social gatherings now, eg went to parents social thing at dd school and everyone was in groups chatting. I don't know what to do. Just barge up & into a group. Hover by the cake and hope someone says hello. I was brave and went up and spoke to someone. Then someone else came up to talk to her, so then they were talking and ignored me. I felt like an idiot and just sort of shuffled off. I can't get a job cos of baby. I have whole weeks where I odn't peak to a single person except dp when he gets in (late) from work.

Now found out there are 3 parties this week in dd class, and she's not invited to any of them (2 of the birthday children were invited to dd birthday party, but she's not invited back) overheard 2 of the mums whispering about it and they shushed each other when they saw me. feel like howling.

Sometimes, doing tiny and silly things, like straightening my hair instead of just leaving it in a ponytail or changing into something else thank PJs or a tracksuit really does help me.

I know it may sound silly but those small things make us "feel better". You don't look at yourself in the mirror and go "ohhhh Lord have mercy!"

I insist on some "you" time and then some small things you can do at home as well. Hope to hear from you soon.

Also Google "AngloInfo". It's a pretty good forum for expats in quite a few countries.

Hi Staples, your post made me feel very sad so just wanted to say hello.

Just read through the thread and I see you aren't in the UK. That can make it hard especially with the language barrier. You say you speak the language?

Mums and tots groups can be hard to 'break into' but I do agree with the advice above to keep going. Even if you don't speak to lots of people each time, even if it's just a smile and hello, then you could always just sit down on the floor and play with your baby, ie being there without necessarily being involved in conversations. After a few visits and getting your 'face' known it could really open things up for you. This was how I approached the mums and tots group I went to, I am quite shy too, not a conversation starter and it took a long time but I made a few friends.

How about any expat societies in your area?

I was also thinking good idea would be joining up to a specific class, eg baby massage/swimming/music/sing & sign etc, where the classes would be small and easier to make friends. The baby massage class I attended was only eight babies and they did a quick ice-breaker at the beginning of the session to get people talking.

Also, does your dd's school have a 'friends of' or PTA type of organisation you could get involved in?

Do you have somebody akin to a Health Visitor? The one in our area 'matchmakes' new mums (if you want to) and gets them together for a coffee or a walk etc.

I can't think of anything else to add. You'l get loads of excellent advice and tips from the lovely mnetters on here.

Oh, last thing. Whatever you do, don't spend all day in the house alone. It is a sure-fire way to feel lonely, bored and down. Go out for a walk with the baby in a pushchair or sling. If nothing else it will lift your spirits and more beneficial to your mental health than housework.

Was going to post earlier but had to go to the shops, so have come back to this thread.

Your story pulled a few strings with me so felt like I had to post.

When I found out I was pregnant I had literally just started my first year of uni. Finished my first year and moved to where my parents lived, the had just moved to a new town and I knew nobody!

I had pnd for a good 10 months after having dd due to feeling just like how you do now. It was horrid, and even now i still get quite down some days. It tough.

Initially when I went to baby groups I hated it, I had lost all of my confidence to meet new poeple etc. Apparently being a 20 year old mum in a new town, minus a scottish accent, well, it didn't sit well and I felt unbelievably excluded.

I did go back when my pnd lifted and it was still kind of the same, but I got very lucky. The women at the group I went to all left and a new group of girls came in. A new group who I now call friends, and I have been out with for a night out, who I meet for lunch to have a moan and a gossip. They're really nice women and I'm so thankfull for having them now.

I will also tell you that I have just gone to the shops wearing a tatty old pair of jeans, no bra, my pyjama top, no make up and no shower so very dirty, minging hair. I think even dd (20 months) was ashamed to be out with me.

I know that it isn't easy, and I know that you'll feel as if you have no energy. But you have to make things happen for you, because no other bugger will. As hard as that might sound, if you can just muster the energy to say, right today I will go for a walk and do some washing, and do it, then you will feel so much better.

Don't set yourself huge targets, just little ones. And build it up from there. Instead of giving yourself a list of 20 things to do, just do a couple and that way you wont feel bad if you don't change the beds, or hoover the carpets etc. Baby steps.

Try out all of the baby groups where you are and find one that suits you, and stick with it. A lot of the time the women at the groups don't mean to be clicky, they're just so happy to be out the house to talk to friends that it can be easy to miss a newcomer.

Don't be hard on yourself. I think you're doing really well.

Message withdrawn

Sorry haven't read all the posts so may have missed things. Not sure how old your baby is, but is it possible you have PND that hasn't been picked up?

Really hope you are feeling better, some great supportive posts here. Take care xx

Hello Staples,

You poor thing - it sounds so rough for you. For what it's worth, I an an expat at the moment not living in the UK and struggle with the language and meeting new people as well. I completely know how overwhelming the thought of going out and meeting people, never mind in a foreign language.

It might sound complete madness to you, but I found tiny baby things helped me to feel a little bit more special every day:

• making a cup of coffee in a proper cup and saucer and having a little biscuit on the side, like in a posh cafe

• having a shower with some very fancy shower gel to make it more of a treat

• painting my toenails

It might sound like nothing but even the slightest nice thing when everything else seems bleak goes help even a tiny bit.

Tiny baby steps are what is needed - slowly, slowly catchy monkey. Then you can start to feel a bit better about yourself and take things from there.

Yes, AmIDoingThisRight is on the dot there. Baby things, no matter how silly they seem, do make a difference. (I did my nails today!)

Yes, yes, agree with AIDTR.

You poor thing, you sound depressed.

Have you spoken to your Dh about how you feel?

I would second that getting out is the most important thing you can do. I LIVED in the park when my daughter were little. Rain or shine. Went there at 9am, didn't come home till dark. Did playground/cafe/ducks/pond/ round and round. Consequently my daughters are very physically strong....................

Staples it sounds like you are very isolated and lonely and getting depressed. Can you go home to stay with your parents in the holidays?
I got like that and it seems to be a downward cycle. Its not normal to be left on your own with young children with no help and it seems to be a problem we have nowadays that women end up in this situation. In the old days there was a lot of community and support that often isn't there nowadays. You also are in a foreign country and in an isolated area which compounds the problem. Women seem to end up going back to work often just for the regular social contact that it brings.
I felt and behaved so similarly to you and then I went back to work and I've gradually changed. I'm low paid, but work for a charity and would even go into work if they didn't pay me. Even though I have less time I manage do the make up, hair etc every day and get the housework done much better. I can also get chatting to people now more easily. I realise I was really depressed and started to loose all my social confidence. I also have a very difficult child which made socialising with mums much more difficult (we had other party issues)and dh was horrible to me.
My mum said to me that it is a bit of a stage you go through and its natures way of making sure you focus on the baby. It could even be partly hormonal. Theres lots of new reasearch showing good it is for young babies to be with Mum. so remember you are doing a really important job and things will change.
Regarding socialising at school - this is definitely very difficult. I went to a workshop on socialising for work and networking and this amazing lady gave everyone great advice and seemed to be the ultimate socializer and then at the end she admitted that although she loved all her work socialising she was terrified of the school playground. It just is really difficult so don't beat yourself up about it. IME at school some mums have older kids and are already overwhelmed with friends and can't cope with any more, some are like you really lonely finding it hard to reach out, some are working and looking after kids and are just too genuinely overwhelmed to bother, some have really horrible agressive children and are paranoid that other mums are judging them, some have a sick or problem child and some are getting divorced or coping with awful stuff at home with dh, and others are being really off because they are just having a really bad day - so i suppose ive learnt not to take things personally.

I became a class rep which was good because it was my job to organise a coffee morning and night out every term.
you will come out of this phase and my best advice is to plan your life to take account of the fact that you need to make it easy for yourself to make friends. So decisions about where you live and what school you send your kids to are maybe more important than you realised before.

I really feel for you and hope things improve.