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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

got no friends, very very lonely & wondering wtf is wrong with me

85 replies

staples · 18/02/2009 08:38

When dp goes out to work and dd trots off to school I just want to weep. I spend all day every day alone (with baby) We moved and I don't know anyone. I tried, but it's hard with a bay in tow and miles from anyone. I've not kept in touch with people from university. I have no friends I am so unbelievably lonely. i am crap at making friends. Feel a real sense of panic at social gatherings now, eg went to parents social thing at dd school and everyone was in groups chatting. I don't know what to do. Just barge up & into a group. Hover by the cake and hope someone says hello. I was brave and went up and spoke to someone. Then someone else came up to talk to her, so then they were talking and ignored me. I felt like an idiot and just sort of shuffled off. I can't get a job cos of baby. I have whole weeks where I odn't peak to a single person except dp when he gets in (late) from work.

Now found out there are 3 parties this week in dd class, and she's not invited to any of them (2 of the birthday children were invited to dd birthday party, but she's not invited back) overheard 2 of the mums whispering about it and they shushed each other when they saw me. feel like howling.

OP posts:

maddylou · 18/02/2009 11:51

Right count me in ,Im your friend and if I live anywhere near you we can meet up-OK whos next?

noshouting · 18/02/2009 11:59

Hi Staples, how old is your baby?
An activity based group like swimming, yoga is sometimes easier as you have that common ground to talk about straight away.
Are you in Glasgow if so we can meet up.

NotaChance · 18/02/2009 12:05

Oh Staples, it can be so hard at times. I bet there's at least one other mother at the group feeling just like you.

What about at the park - talking to Mum's there? Or library book groups - they do baby ones too?

(Sorry if these have already been suggested)

I am naturally shy too - it is such a struggle, but you WILL get there in the end.

(((((((hug))))))

mascarpone · 18/02/2009 12:16

for you. I can't bear the thought that you are sitting there on your own feeling miserable...

Here's my point of view as someone who does organise a church toddler group - I would love to have more people attend!! If someone came up to me and said that they wanted to come to toddler group but didn't know anyone and frankly felt absolutely terrified about the whole thing, I would make every effort to make them feel welcome and introduce them to people. I wouldn't think they were an eejit either if they burst into tears ...(I have SO been there!).

Also, don't forget that those people who do look like they know loads of people and have loads of friends are often just as worried underneath and have often been in the place that you are now!!

Whereabouts are you??

Original poster

staples · 18/02/2009 12:33

aw I wish i could take upp all these kind offers. can't say where i am, would 'out' me (am name changer), but sadly am not near you. must do school run now- thanks you lot, wish so much I could meet up with such lovely sounding people

OP posts:

bloss · 18/02/2009 12:45

Message withdrawn

FriarKewcumber · 18/02/2009 12:50

I'm WEst london...

Monkeygi · 18/02/2009 13:05

Hi Staples. I'm in Surrey and have felt exactly the same as you- and I grew up around here! It's very difficult to break into the little cliques I know. It might eb cold comfort but it took me 2 years to break into a group at my ds's school. They all later told me they thought I didn't want to talk to THEM as I always stood off to the side!
The trick is to keep trying different things until you find an environment you're comfortable in. It could be a mums and babies swimming class, or a toddler group, or story time at the local library or even, if your dp/someone is available to babysit and finances allow, a class or group you have an interest in yourself. It helps if you have the shared interest to chat about until you feel more able to open up.
Finally, there's a thread on MN at the moment under 'other stuff'- Meet-Ups' (I can't do links cos I'm rubbish) where you can put your area and see who else is around. I've just done it myself.
Good luck.
And if you're around here-get in touch!

Eve34 · 18/02/2009 13:10

Bloss and Staples I understand how isolating it can be having small children, I work keeps me sane just, but I work from home so still have no day to day contact with adults - I am not far from Winchester Bloss - saw your dentist thread - was going to suggest mine but see you have to sorted. would love to meet new people, it is my new start to get out more. Ds loves the abbey gardens if you fancy it sometime?

CoteDAzur · 18/02/2009 13:13

Definitely persevere with Mother & Baby groups. It's lonely at first, especially when everyone else seems to know each other. But it's all about becoming a familiar face. Then people open up to you.

SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 13:13

Staples, where are you? I am a very lonely single mum and feel exactly how you do in social gatherings.

potatoes · 18/02/2009 13:17

I have just moved house miles away from all my old friends too, there's a website called netmums.com which has a local meet-a-mum thing, I have met 2 mums already and have started to go to a group with one of them, much easier when there's 2 of you. Also get in touch with your local NCT as they seem to meet in small groups and are really welcoming. Really hope it gets better soon.

potatoes · 18/02/2009 13:19

Bloss I'm in Andover I think that's pretty close to Winchester?

theyoungvisiter · 18/02/2009 13:23

Oh you poor thing - it's so hard moving and people can (without meaning to) get really insulated in their little groups.

The good thing about having a baby is that it is a ready-made conversation starter - I think it's just a matter of going to as many post-natal/yoga/swimming/etc etc groups and talking to as many people as possible and some of them will click.

How about spotting a couple of conducive looking mums in the playground and inviting them and their DDs on a joint play-date? By which I mean, invite the mum as well as the daughter so YOU have someone to talk to as well?

Does your DD feel bad about the parties?

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 18/02/2009 13:26

Staples, the others are right about you needing to get out. Try a few mother and baby groups and go to the one(s) that you feel the most comfortable with. Force yourself to keep going for a few weeks and before you know it you'll no longer be the new ones, but a familiar face and people will get to know you and begin chatting more.

I found a good way to break the ice was to talk to the other babies initially, not their Mums (I must have looked like a nuter!!) - Things like hello, what's your name? Or that's a pretty dress, where did you get that from? Then the childs Mum would invariably answer - her name's xxx or it's from M+S and there you go - ice is broken!

There are so many other people who fel the same as you that I'm sure you wouldn't be recognised if you say where you live - maybe start with the county? I live just outside Cardiff - is that anywhere near to you?

mascarpone · 18/02/2009 13:33

I live just outside Leamington Spa in Warwickshire if that's any good....!

kettlechip · 18/02/2009 13:51

I really sympathise. (I'm down south west by the way) We also moved hundreds of miles to a new area when ds1 was 6 months old. I left a really lovely group of friends and was gutted. I made it my challenge to join as many toddler groups as possible and make just one friend at each. 3 yrs on I seem to know most people in the town, but it did take time to form proper friendships and break into established circles. I think you have to be as smiley and responsive as possible when people talk to you. I often used to start a conversation with a compliment - telling someone I loved their top/bag/whatever and asking where they got it. A bit simple, but a good icebreaker.

From the other point of view I now always make an effort to chat to new people at toddler groups but it is really frustrating when you don't get anything back and I must admit I give up fairly quickly now if people don't seem to want to be friendly.

ABetaDad · 18/02/2009 13:52

IwishIwasmoreorganised - interesting observation that you about breaking the ice by talking to the baby not the parent.

A few of the old folks round our village I got to know by talking to their dog first. Old people are quiet isolated too and once you talk to them about their dog then it all opens up.

I also got to know a near neighbour when I stopped to talk to her about her horse. I rode ponies as a child and we got talking about the problems she has with her Shetland pony's feet. Now thats a weird way to make a new friend.

As I said to staples in my previous post - its often about just finding the thing you have in common among your interest or circumstances and a baby fits both of those criteria.

My Mum is now very hapy older person and has lots of cpommon interest which she found with people once she moved back into a fairly vibrant village full of sprightly older people. Never seen her so happy but she is stil reserved with peopel she does not know.

Stitchwort · 18/02/2009 13:54

I'm near Manchester!

GooseyLoosey · 18/02/2009 14:00

How about not saying where you are exactly but just which bit of the country - ie NW, SW, London etc. No one would guess who you were then and if you wanted to, you could maybe CAT people who say that they live in the same region as you.

dietstartstomorrow · 18/02/2009 14:50

Im West Sussex - and always happy to meet someone new

bellavita · 18/02/2009 15:05

Hey I am near York - is that any good?

upagumtree · 18/02/2009 15:25

Oh Staples, i'm so sorry to here that you are so down. I know you don't wanna "be outed" but i'm in South Lanarkshire and would luv to meet up if you are near. Hate knowing that people are feeling so lonely...coz i've been there and know what sad a time it can be. Chin up honey x

dillinger · 18/02/2009 15:30

Im in the same position as you and its so hard. I have no family nearby either, theres other mums on here that are near me and arrange meet ups but I just dont have the confidence to go. They sound lovely but I worry about so much - what if ds plays up, or I cant park etc So Ive never joined in, esp since I didnt go to the '1st' one, if you get me! I used to live in town centre but now more residential, I went to a toddler group near me but it was awful. I tried to appear approachable, smiled etc but I felt so uncomfortable, felt like I was being stared at etc Its totally put me off going. I met a girl last year and when we meet we get on well but to me it all feels a bit 'fake'. I cant put my finger on it, its just a feeling I get. I do try however but usually dont hear anything back from her for weeks etc so that leaves me wondering whats what.

I think Ive always been a bit of a loner, and it was never as painful as now that Ive got children. Feels sometimes that my two are going to be socially inadequate because I didnt take them to toddler groups! I too wont speak to anyone until dp gets home tonight, and what little confidence I had is vanishing - I wont even pop to the shops, I havent been outside since sunday, and that was with dp and our 2, not just me and kids. I feel more of a failure nowadays than I ever have done.

Its so hard and I feel for you. If it helps Im in Bath xx

Original poster

staples · 18/02/2009 15:35

God, you're all so nice. Reassuring, but more than a bit depressing to learn so many people feel the same. I am not near any of you. For the sake of outing myself, hope I don't, I'm not in UK. How I wish there were so many mum/baby activities. very jealous to hear about stuff like story time in the library

I can speak the language but I think there's just such a huge cultural barrier. If I try to smile or say hello or make eye contact they look at me like I'm a moron or something (that's if I'm lucky, else they just totally blank me). Not good for self esteem. I'm sure a certain type of personality might do okay here, but for me I'm drowning in loneliness and boredom.

And then that, plus having baby in tow makes things like voluntary work not possible.

SilverSparkle, must be so much harder for you, being a single mum to boot Does no one on here live near you? Maybe you could benefit from all these lovely people?

OP posts:

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